11 Years Old And Out Of The Closet: The Trouble With Gay Middle Schoolers
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
news
1:45PM, Monday September 28th 2009
We’re not just the first generation to elect a black president—some say we’re also the first generation in which gay teenagers feel safe coming out to their parents and classmates. In Sunday’s New York Times Magazine cover story, writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis chronicled how adolescents are so much more confident telling their friends, families and parents that they’re gay at younger ages than ever before. Just how young? The author spent time with middle schoolers across the country who’ve come out of the closet at 13, 12, and even 11 years old.
It’s no surprise the reaction on the tip of everyone’s tongue is, Wow, kids must be getting pretty damn mature these days to know they’re gay in 7th grade ... are they really gay? But Eileen Ross, director of the Outlet Program, a support service for gay youth in California, put it best when she told the Times that type of reaction just underscores the double standard our society has for gays and straights. She pointed out to the magazine, rightly so, “No one says to [straight teens]: ‘Are you sure? You’re too young to know if you like girls. It’s probably just a phase.’ “But that’s what we say too often to gay youth. We deny them their feelings and truth in a way we would never do with a heterosexual young person.” However, I didn’t read Denizet-Lewis’ article and wonder if these teens aren’t actually gay. I wondered if it might sometimes be better for gay teens to stay in the closet.
Regardless of their age, I believe people incur psychic damages by denying their true selves. But it is also an undeniable fact that being gay, or even being perceived as being gay, is downright dangerous for kids in a heartbreaking number of homes and schools across the country. In the best case scenario, kids get bullied at school; in the worst case, they get beat up or killed, or their parents throw them out of the house. The 120 Gay-Straight Alliances that have sprung up at middle schools across the nation can be an oasis of support, but they can’t protect a 12-year-old from six years of abuse from classmates (as opposed to, say, zero years, when they graduate and move out on their own). And not for nothing are there people who do so-called “gay conversion therapies” for teens. If I were a gay teenager and thought my parents might seriously ship me off to some terrifying “gay conversation therapy” place, you’d bet I’d stay in the closet, too.
I’m not saying I think the closet is better for anyone; I’m merely afraid of what will happen for some kids who do come out, since they are minors and they’re at the mercy of their parents’ will. (Although, being at the mercy of your parents doesn’t necessarily change with adulthood: My best friend, at age 25, is still in the closet with one of her parents. That parent is footing the bill for college and grad school and she doesn’t want to risk losing that financial support.) It’s impossible to know what’s best for individual kids in each situation: staying in the closet until they can move out on their own or just being themselves, consequences be damned. [New York Times Magazine]
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bogart4017
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
Its like the President said—-America is changing. When i was growing up a 7th grader dare not come out. Come out to who? A guidance counselor? Your best friend? Forget it. Back then all gays were stereotyped as swishing pansies. No one ever heard of the terms “top” or “bottom” and gays only came out at night.
ACooper
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
I don’t know, I have mixed feelings about this. The pain of having to hide your feelings might be worse for some kids. I also think teaching a 12 year old to lie is never a good idea. What are you going to say to these kids? “Hey, pretend to like a girl/guy just for a little while! You might have to lie, fake it, make stuff up, hide part of yourself, but at least you won’t be teased!” Ugh. Teach kids to be proud of who they are and respect themselves, and maybe they will respect other people’s different ways as well…
Riley
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
It won’t be easy for them, some areas more so than others. However, someone has to do it; it takes a lot of courage and regardless of initial reactions, things will improve.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
Is that you Anderson Cooper?
lea322
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
I’m sorry, but a 25 year old choosing not to come out to their parent so that they will continue to pay for their education is not doing anything to help the gay community.
Queen Frostine
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
Teach tolerance and acceptance and one day it might not matter what a person’s sexual preference is. Then maybe there won’t be a closet to be in anymore.
VsegdaOdna
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
I dont think a large portion of the kids who are coming out are feeling the kind of backlash youre talking about. If it was a concern of theres, they would probably opt to stay “in the closet” longer. Those who are coming out probably have a strong support system or are wanting to face the adversities rather than be stuck hiding themselves.
bethlynn00
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
I totally understand what you are saying and I think that fear is what has kept a lot of LGBT youths from coming out sooner and I know ALOT of young people who have been put out of their homes because they came out and end up on the streets. And a part of me wants to just ask them, “why couldn’t you have just waited till you were 18 or able to care for yourself, then you could be at home?” Then I realize that the real wrong is with any parent or family member or friend who would turn their back on a loved one, especially one as vulnerable as a teenager and put them out on the streets to fend for themselves. I commend those who are able to come out and hope that more youths feel comfortable with coming out, but more importantly I want our society to get to a place where we are not encouraging young kids to stay in the closet out of fear for their safety.
Ginger
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
I know a guy who won’t come out to everyone he knows. I’m not gay (but I constantly have to defend my friends to relatives who have no business criticizing my friends for being gay) but I still think that if someone is going to reject you over something as simple as gender preference isn’t someone you should really care about in the long run.
The town I grew up in was so small and so freaking conservative that towards graduation every year there was this mass coming out of boys (it was fine for girls to be ‘bisexual’ and show how much they ‘loved’ each other). And then all the gay boys would find each other and go ‘ohmygod, I thought you were cute for the past two years!’ and get together and only have the summer to be young and screw around instead of having four years to do it instead of making out with girls at parties to keep a cover.
Like a few other people said, the kids coming out probably have a support system. The very few boys who came out during highschool (instead of when it ended) were the ones with loving parents who were with them all the way.
conspicuous
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
I agree with Queen Frostine—we need to teach tolerance now. In my mine, it’s sort of like the recent article you posted ‘11 Rape Prevention Tips For Rapists.’ We shouldn’t be telling the gay youth to stay in the closet longer for fear of what will happen to them. We should be telling the parents, bullies and what-have-you that HEY—it’s not okay to judge, be prejudiced, or inflict harm (mental or physical) on someone because they are gay.
flashofwit
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
What a coincidence. My mother called me yesterday to tell me about my fourteen year old cousin who was recently body slammed into a locker. All because she’s a girl who wears guy’s clothes and has short hair, which means she needs to be called a ‘fag’ and physically injured. She can’t participate on the dive team now, because her shoulder is so messed up and has people at school watching out for her as well. It just makes me so incredibly sad because maybe she is a lesbian or maybe that’s just how she likes to dress, but regardless, she should feel safe to express herself the way she wants to, without fear of harm or harassment.
amorsalado
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
It breaks my heart that kids are afraid to come out because of fear of backlash from their own parents. Parents should be the first line of support.
My step-son is only ten, but both his father and I have wondered if he’s gay for several years. We’ve never, of course, asked him or insinuated or anything else. We have, however, made it perfectly clear that we believe all relationships are absolutely fine, be they inter-faith, inter-racial, inter-cultural, homosexual, etc. etc.
We strive every day to raise an open minded child who feels comfortable with who he is and with coming to us with his questions and concerns about everything. That certainly won’t keep him from getting bullied in school, but it’s a first line of defense as it were.
dudette
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
In my own opinion 11 is a bit young to come out of the closet. As a straight woman I cannot say that I had even started liking boys at that point, and was definitely not sure enough to declare my sexuality to the rest of the world. Perhaps confiding in a close friend or your parents about how you might have those feelings, how it is ok if it were to develop into a sexual orientation. No one should be branded at that age either way STRAIGHT, BISEXUAL, GAY, because you still have a lot of personal, physical, and mental development to do. As you grow older, your sexuality will become clearer to you.
*sam*
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
I think it’s great that adolescents are starting to feel comfortable enough to come out sooner! My best friend is gay, and she didn’t come out, even to me until we were 20. She told me once, that she wanted to tell me once when we were 12 or 13, but changed her mind because she didn’t want to scare me off. She then went on to date a bunch of (d-bag) boys in jr high & high school until she *finally* had the confidence to go after a girl once she was in college and not living with her parents. Likewise, another good friend of mine, came out in like jr high or high school, but didn’t realize he identified more with the “transgender” label until he was 24. We joke about how before he decided to transition, he just considered himself to be “the biggest dyke in the world—‘super dyke’” (note: “dyke” is his words, not mine).
I’m with queen on this, instead of encouraging youth to stay “in the closet” we should instead be teaching tolerance at younger ages. I’m sorry, but telling kids to wait so they won’t get bullied, is like telling kids in the 50s & 60s to not mingle with kids of mixed ethnicity because “nobody wants to be teased for being a [insert racial slur here]-lover.” Instead, this just goes to show that we need to be teaching tolerance at younger ages. Kids are taught to accept different races and religions as young as 5 when they first enter kindergarten, so I don’t see why sexual orientation or gender identity should be any different, so long as of course it’s taught in an age-appropriate manner. Discrimination is never going to be eradicated if you don’t start with the youngest generations first.
emflow
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]
I don’t think 11 is too young to know if you’re straight or gay. I’m female and predominately straight. I distinctly remember being younger than 11 and having crushes on male TV show characters, and later around puberty having crushes on male classmates.
Granted as people mature they develop a better understanding of their sexuality. It’s never okay for someone to be branded with a label they didn’t choose, but at the same time we shouldn’t invalidate someone’s feelings because they will probably mature and understand those feeling more completely or in a different light.
Raugiel
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]
I have to vote No on advising anyone to stay in the closet. My experience growing up was that kids who were pretty sure it would be (reasonablly) safe to come out of the closet did so when they were ready. Those who didn’t waited. I think kids will continue to do this, and hopefully more of them will see a safe opportunity to come out.
It is unlikely that a kid who thinks s/he will be in true danger for revealing their sexuality is going to come out, so I don’t think that needs to be the big fear. In fact, for each kid who feels s/he can come out today and does so, there will be another one down the road that finds a safe place to do so him/herself.
Shasta
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
I don’t think kids should be encouraged/discouraged either way. They understand their environment and their consequences. If you live in Kentucky, I suspect you’re not coming out until you leave the state. If you’re in a progresive or urban school you may come out. The regional differences vary widely.
Eleven is young only because all kids seem to be a little embarrassed and overwhelmed by their emerging sexual attraction to others.
ootie
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]
There is no “right age” to come out—people should come out whenever they are personally ready. If kids are getting ready to come out earlier, they should be coming out earlier. In a lot of places, this will be accepted (for example, I went to an arts middle school/high school and nobody ever gave a damn). In the cases of kids coming out in environments that they will face a lot of adversity, they obviously can see that their sexual orientation isn’t too popular, and decide to come out anyway. This shows that coming out is really important to them and they are willing to take the risk in order to be the person who they truly are. I can completely understand why kids and teens in more judgmental places would want to stay in the closet, but if they decide coming out is what’s best for them, more power to them. Maybe more people coming out in hostile environments at younger ages will help their peers to become more tolerant in the future.
Queen Frostine
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]
I had a boyfriend whom I kissed behind the school yard when I was 10. When I was 12 I had my first sexual experience with a girl (well, a very heavy second base). I knew very well at that age that I was attracted to both. I didn’t understand the terms bisexual, or gay or straight. I just knew what I liked. But I was well aware of my sexuality even then.
majicksand
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]
I’ve always told my sons that it’s ok for them to be who they are, regardless of what that means. I’ve gone so far as assuring them that I would cut off any family members (including my parents) who refused to do so.
My older son is 16 and heterosexual. My younger is 6, so who knows? My 17 yo “foster” son recently told me he is attracted to both boys and girls but is uncomfortable putting a label on his sexuality. We talked about it long enough for him to be secure that it doesn’t matter to me and haven’t discussed it since. Neither of his biological parents knows. He admitted to being afraid of how they would react. I’m glad he felt comfortable sharing his feelings, and I’ve let him know he can always come to me with questions or concerns. I’ll always do my best to help. Other than than, as far as I’m concerned, it’s a non-issue.
chelseadagger
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 05:20 pm: [report]
I think it’s sad that she’s afraid to tell one of her parents for fear of losing financial support. It just breaks my heart.
Ginger
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 05:34 pm: [report]
@chelseadagger I know a girl who came out to her father recently and had him cut her off. She came back to school this semester so I think something was worked out, but for a few weeks she was really scared about being able to support herself even with three jobs.
Frisky Noetic
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 06:02 pm: [report]
“Teach tolerance and acceptance and one day it might not matter what a person’s sexual preference is. Then maybe there won’t be a closet to be in anymore.”
Well said, Queen Frostine.
Whatever age one becomes ‘aware’ of their sexuality, there should never be a need to question or suppress it.
Regardless of the challenges (even horrific ones) that youth (and adults) may face, the fact that they are speaking up and refusing to “go into the closet” is a good indicator that society is taking a step in the right direction, tolerance, wise.
papayalily
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:34 am: [report]
I know lots of kids who came out when they were teenagers. I know a couple that knew that they were gay for as long as they can remember. But if they came out to their parents or anyone besides their BFF depended rather greatly on how they thought their parents would react. If there was any chance that their parents would kick them out, send them to “conversion camp”, beat them, etc then they wouldn’t come out. However, if their parents would be ok, then they came out to their parents. Kids are still very aware of the homophobia that exists and only chance it if they know it’ll be ok.
Elleohelle
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:57 pm: [report]
‘Are you sure? You’re too young to know if you like girls. It’s probably just a phase.’
I don’t say it, but I think it. Say what you will, before a certain age I don’t think kids really understand what they’re getting into, so I reserve judgement. If they say they’re straight, fine, gay, sure thing. I’ll just nod and smile and wait a few years.
As with the coming out issue, I think you’re looking at it wrong. Some people think abuse is worth being true to themselves. Yes, in theory, it’s much easier to stay hidden, but staying hidden has a huge toll. Overall, Papayalily is right. Most kids know when it’s safe to come out, and these numbers aren’t every gay kid ever, they’re just the percentage that feels secure, which is more the point of the information, than the amount itself.
majicksand
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 07:06 am: [report]
Among my gay friends, it seems the boys often knew first. Some of them say they “knew” as young as 5 or 6. It wasn’t really about the sexuality at that point; it was more about their interests. They wanted to play dress up and use the Easy Bake Oven and had no interest in G.I. Joe or football. That’s not definitive of course, but if they say they knew, I have to trust that they did.
sic.itur.ad.astra
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
I’m a middle school teacher in what would probably be described as an inner-city school. I mostly deal with 7th and 8th graders, who range in age from 12-15, so I don’t know about the younger students, but I have several openly homosexual or bisexual students. For the most part, the students are treated well by their peers. I did have one fight because a girl refused to sit next to another student who was a lesbian, and before I could reprimand her for the rude comments she made, she got punched in the face. We had another openly gay couple (two girls) who received multiple referrals for making out in the girls bathroom and holding hands in the halls (which is not allowed in the middle school setting regardless of sexuality). In my experience, it seems that girls around that age have an easier time of coming out than boys do. I have one student who I am almost positive is gay, but he “goes out” with more girls than anyone else. But he expresses his attraction for the Jonas Brothers daily. I think it’s great that these kids feel accepted enough to not have to hide their true feelings for fear of what their families and peers might do.