Frisky Rant: Should Women Use Sex As A Power Tool In Relationships?

This past week on VH1’s “Tool Academy,” the dudes were taught humility by admitting their deepest fears about their relationships and prancing around in tutus.  However, their girlfriends have been trying to put them in their place since the season began by withholding sex. Granted, none of those bros deserve a piece of their girl’s promise land, since they’ve been complete bastards, but if these ladies are willing to stand by their jerky boyfriends while they man up, what’s the point of not having sexy times?!  It simply turns sex into a control issue. However, these “Tool”-ettes are not alone in their belief that keeping their legs closed for business will bring about a positive change in their love life.  The question is, does denying what you both need—sex—get you what you want—a good relationship?

Case in point, on “Tool Academy,” Shawn, the winner of the bake sale challenge, worked so hard to prove to his girl that he indeed loves her and is willing to fight for her even at the cost of his public appearance.  Because of his successful self-sacrifice, he won his girlfriend, Aida, a princess themed date: a carriage ride that culminated in a highly coveted conjugal visit. After bunking up with a bunch of dudes, these guys salivate at even the chance for some alone time with their lady.  However, like fellow “Tool” Matsuflex before him (whose GF has been withholding sex for their entire long term relationship), Shawn didn’t get any when they got into the bedroom. While his girlfriend admitted to wanting it too, she asked him why it always had to be about that and didn’t she deserve to be a princess for one day?! He replied with a befuddled “Yes,” but I, as a woman, was confused too.  Why hold back now?  What kind of mystical, hypnotic influence does she think her vag holds?  Is she setting herself up for failure by putting sex with her on a pedestal they both can’t seem to reach? But instead of asking her these questions, he went back home to the men’s bunk and nearly beat the crap out of another dude to get out his frustration (see above video).  Violence is not the answer, people.

Here at The Frisky, we’ve been debating a similar sex question that touches the same kind of control issue—whether or not a woman should have sex on date number one if she wants something more than a one-night-stand.  Do we really need to dangle that carrot to keep a man interested in us?  A bunch of you, like “V for Vixen,” chimed into say you dated for years or married people who you slept with immediately. On the other hand, in the UK, a mathematical study just “discovered” that a guy who has sex on the first date probably is a bad mate.  But does keeping his Jackson out of action really change the kind of man that he is? If he’s really only interested in having sex with you, does dragging it out with dates make it any easier or better when you do finally have sex and then he never calls again? Sure, if you ask your grandma, she’ll probably tell you not to do the nasty immediately under any circumstances, but is that really ancient wisdom or just the conventional, potentially outdated kind?  No one wants to completely let their heart and hormones dictate their love lives when the biggest erogenous zone is your brain, but there’s got to be a balance.

Power corrupts and nothing is worse than relying on your vagina just so you can have clout in your relationship. Abusing your wonderland like that is pathetic. Just look at “Tool Academy”‘s Matsuflex! It’s completely rotted his relationship with his girlfriend.  Because she hasn’t ever had sex with him since she thinks she’ll lose the upperhand in the relationship, it’s all he is fixated on and has even admitted to cheating. Now, it’s one thing if you’re not feeling a guy and your don’t want to put out for that reason. We should never have obligatory sex because it’s always lame! However, if you’re not having sex with him to either punish him or to make him work harder, you’re actually hurting yourself more.  It degrades your whole she-bang when it’s reduced to being a mere instrument of authority. You can’t go around ruling sex like you’re the Czar of Cooter when it takes two to tango! 

If sex is used solely as a reward, it makes making love even more out of your control because then he just has to do those few obedient things to get it out of you. Your vagina is not for cashing IOU’s!  Our mothers have, for centuries, fought for us to have just as many rights and the same value in society as men.  Why should we negate all their hard work now that we’ve reached (or are close to) that equality by attributing our sole value in a relationship to a (man)hole in our underpants? You should feel free to speak your mind at all times and share yourself when you want to, that’s what a true partnership is. 

“Tool Academy” was meant to inspire bros who act like complete douchebags and treat their girlfriends like pieces of meat.  However, if both the men and the women are going to graduate and take their relationship to the next level, they have to start seeing themselves as more than just objects of desire and their love affair as more than just sex.  So, while the show’s producers have been focusing all their attention on the dudes and their many, many issues, I think it’s time to turn the tables on the ladies and start giving them the self-esteem they need to see that they’re more than just holes to be filled by a man.  That would be the true tool they’ll need the rest of their lives.