Friendship Groups Work In Films But Not In Reality
Posted by: Annika Harris
Filed in:
news
2:15PM, Wednesday August 6th 2008
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was released in theaters today, and this time around the women have been apart all year, but their summer plans will keep them separated. According to the film’s website, “Now it will take more than a hurried note…or even a treasured pair of pants passed back and forth among them to keep their lives connected.” But this got me thinking…Do friendship groups like The Sisterhood and Sex and the City, in which all the friends get along and are connected equally, exist in reality? In my experience, the answer is a resounding, “No.”
I’ve never been the sort of girl who enjoys being in a group, so most of my friendships are based on one-on-one relationships. A few years ago, my BFF Nicole decided to take me clubbing for my birthday. Now, it’s pretty sad to go to the club for a birthday celebration with only two people, one of whom is the birthday girl, so she invited two of her friends (my acquaintances) along. Let’s call them Tania and Yvette. We had so much fun dancing for hours, and we all started hanging together on the weekends.
I started putting my fears of friendship groups to rest, but I always wondered whether our little group could exist without Nicole. So in order to forge a deeper bond with Yvette and Tania, I started attending events with them even if Nicole wasn’t going to be there. And after a weekend getaway with all “my girls” last summer, I finally started to feel connected to each one individually.
But then disaster struck. We and some others went to a club for Yvette’s birthday. Before Nicole and I left the house we had a nagging feeling that things wouldn’t go well. And they didn’t. The night was a total fiasco, to say the least. Yvette drank too much, passed out and had trouble breathing. And I got into a fight with her younger, immature cousin. We never came to blows, but there was serious neck-rolling and name-calling on the streets of Manhattan.
I took a break from the group after that night, but I continued to chill with Nicole. We all needed respite from each other. We came back together when Nicole had a crisis earlier this year, but we haven’t hung out like we did before. Then, Nicole moved out of state and the friendship group totally dissolved. I’ve made contact with both Yvette and Tania, but nothing has come out of that. I learned that they continue to get together occasionally, but haven’t invited me along. I’m not too sure I’d go anyway because things could be weird.
I learned a great deal through this experience. First, friend groups don’t work unless there is a dominant friend who is connected to everyone and works at keeping the group together. Two, nothing beats a one-on-one friendship with someone you’ve known since you were four. And lastly, I’m too damn old to be up in da club. What do you ladies think? Was this an isolated case or are friendship groups doomed from the beginning?
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Simosa
wrote on August 6 2008 @ 03:58 pm: [report]
I always had the feeling that Carrie was the one all the girls were friends with and that if she moved - the others would simply lunch now and then and talk about her.
There is always one girl who is the connector and those main girls are her best friends - but then they are usually part of other girl groups too.
This is true in my life. I have a group that I’m the center of and then I am part of other groups with others at the center.
lilo
wrote on August 6 2008 @ 05:55 pm: [report]
This is a good topic, and Annika, I agree with you. I have a really nice girlfriend group that I see 4-6 times a year (even though we live in the same city). We all used to work together and have done this for years, while each of us also have one-on-one relationships. Each friendship, for me, serves a certain purpose. But none of us are best buds with the others. This is plenty. The whole every weekend thing with a tight friend group would be a complete drag.
I do have a friend who did EVERYTHING in a friend group—a bunch of women who were very bored in their long-term relationships. When she (the only single one) landed a happy new relationship, she had a falling out with the “leader” and suddenly became disinvited from all events, so even lost the other “friends.” Even grownups can be mean girls.
LucyInTheSky
wrote on August 6 2008 @ 06:49 pm: [report]
I see your point, but I don’t think all friend groups have to be a certain way to function. I have a fairly large group of girlfriends (9 of us!) and we all spend time equally well together as in smaller groups. We went to college together and were in the same sorority, so maybe that’s the difference… we BECAME friends as a group all at once. Sure, some of us have “best friends” within the group (usually roommates), but we all hang out as often as possible. There’s inevitable conflict, but we’ve been together for a long time and value our group dynamic as much as our one-on-one relationships.
The only negative thing is that all of my life triumphs and tragedies have to be repeated over and over again to each individual person… the date you went on with that great guy becomes mundane after you’ve told it to your 8th friend!
Elle
wrote on August 7 2008 @ 07:16 am: [report]
I agree with you Annika. I’ve tried to do the group friendship thing, but it doesn’t work out. I find that people grow apart as they get older and their interests change and they find love, etc. I still have 2 girls that I consider my “best friends” but even still we only see each other a handful of times a year. I’ve never really been an overtly social person and I prefer to have one or two great friends rather than lots of acquaintances.
Lynn
wrote on August 7 2008 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
I think it can work. When I first went to college, I was in a group of 4 girls. We all met each other at the same time and did things as a group and one-on-one. Not all of the friendships lasted, but it wasn’t because the group couldn’t sustain itself. We were divided by geography and lifestyle, just as any friendship can be. I’m still friends with two of the girls, but not at all as close as I once was. And it would be weird if the three of us saw the fourth girl, just because she’s been gone for so long. But it’s not because our group friendship failed.
toyen
wrote on August 7 2008 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
“First, friend groups don’t work unless there is a dominant friend who is connected to everyone and works at keeping the group together.”
This may be true, but they have to be benignly dominant and not domineering! I had a circle of friends for a while, until I inadvertedly pissed off the “dominant” one (who I’d been friends with for years). Even though we were in our late twenties, it got uglier than high school with vicious lies being spread, manipulation, and all sorts of ugly tactics until no one from the group would speak to me anymore—even one of the friends I’d introduced. Pretty pathetic. I like my friendships one on one and much more sane now.