Girl Talk: Friends With Benefits? I Don’t Think So
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
relationships
4:00PM, Sunday December 7th 2008
Not long ago, I met a guy that reminded me of that sexy NPR storyteller Ira Glass. Instantly, I fell in nerd-love with this doppelganger. After dating for a while, though, we realized we had only one thing in common: sex. So we decided to be friends with benefits. According to a Michigan State University study, sixty-percent of college co-eds have been involved in an FWB relationship, and plenty of my thirty-something girlfriends were doing it to stay satisfied, so I figured I’d give the laid back, no-romantic-attachments approach to getting laid a whirl. A year later, faux-Ira and I still hang out and hump. After our most recent rendezvous last weekend, I began to wonder what I’m doing. What are the real benefits to friends with benefits? Sure, now I have an in-case-of-sexual-emergency-hit-Glass-lookalike. At the same time, I’ve started to realize my situation is causing me to question the meaning of friendship, challenging my chances at romances, and wobbling my emotional stability.
When Friend Is A Four Letter Word Ironically, booty-call buddies devalue the closeness of camaraderie while raising the stakes on romance. The cornerstone of friendship is open communication, and becoming a friend with benefits actually shuts down those open lines. Let’s face it, if the only thing you’re doing together is having sex, it isn’t the same thing as sharing who you are. According to “Friends With Benefits, And Stress Too,” casual sex actually adds anxiety to a budding connection. Sometimes, an FWB is really a way of avoiding a real relationship. I know I retreated to friends with benefits status before I even had a chance to get rejected in the boyfriend battle. Over-analyzing every little detail of a relationship under the guise of girl talk is bad, but acting like you don’t care about having a relationship at all isn’t much better.
Whatever Happened To Wining And Dining? These days, dating has gotten as casual as sex. We’ve replaced courtship with text messaging and online social networking. Consequently, our relationships are as disposable as our technology. With an FWB, there’s not much wooing or chasing. And romance? Forget about it. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am isn’t a relationship. A relationship is honest-to-goodness, face-to-face commitment. Isn’t the slow seduction part the most exciting part of a relationship? Friends with benefits jump to conclusions—the conclusion of the possibility of a real relationship, in most cases. One-night-stands are one thing, but if you’re a repeat FWB offender, let’s call a spade a spade. You’re dating, but by any relationship standards, those are pretty superficial relationships you’re having.
Riding The Highs and Lows Being addicted to FWBs isn’t just socially confusing. Mother Nature’s messing with your head, too. Biologically speaking, sex is a drug. Or at least it feels that way for women, thanks to oxytocin, the hormonal transmitter that makes you feel happy, relaxed, and bonded to your partner after sex. In an FWB, your mind may be telling you no about a guy, but your body may be telling you yes. It’s confusing. Men don’t get this bonding hormone in the same dosage, or, in some cases, at all. Oftentimes, as much as we women tell ourselves we’re not attached to these dudes we do, the fact of the matter is that it’s not something we can totally control. Part of how you feel about him is a side effect of sex. If you’re not careful, casual sex can actually cause depression.
Why do we keep falling into the friends with benefits trap? Ten-percent of the time, an FWB turns into more, but in the meantime all we’re getting is less. Why do we settle for coach when we could go first-class?
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AnchorLicious
wrote on September 17 2008 @ 03:51 pm: [report]
Ooo… sounds like you got duped into second “Glass.” but ferilla, it’s time to r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Catherinette Singleton
wrote on September 18 2008 @ 07:05 am: [report]
Sometimes it’s not how you get there (coach or first class) that counts, it’s just getting there.
There are rare occassions when this kind of arrangement works without destroying the friendship. But most of the time, someone ends up falling for the other person and then feels like crap when it’s not reciprocated.
Ms. LeFay
wrote on September 18 2008 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
You so right! Once there is sex, the friends part seems to erode. While he used to be the one to listen and the one to give you that males perspective, all of a sudden he becomes your sexual conscience and surrogate dad. It’s such a guy thing. They like the idea that you are open and sexually free until they are the beneficiary, then they hate that there other beneficiaries too. In one gush admiration becomes condemnation. In my experience it is a bad idea all around.
What about me
wrote on September 19 2008 @ 08:30 am: [report]
It is just sex!
Why make it complicated
Live/love NOW
Geeze Louise
MissChaotic
wrote on September 19 2008 @ 08:32 pm: [report]
lol @ the MSU survey…I went there, and I believe the results. Firsthand.
GiGi
wrote on September 21 2008 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
I guess we settle for coach because we’ve become addicted the attention and pleasure it bings.
We have a bit of the phobia of being alone, and carving of being wanted sexually. So we’ll settle for the-straight-to- the business rather tan the relationship because its a quick like a high and wuick ix it gets you what we all desire.
The minute we don’t have it. We fall into worthlessness which goes hand in hand with depression. Always search for hit (lust) which is mistaken for the natural high (love).
Erin G
wrote on December 7 2008 @ 09:45 pm: [report]
I’ve had a bit experience in the FWB arena. Whether or not you get caught up in the whole “I Think I Have Romantic Feelings, Crap!!” ordeals is mostly case-by-case. Don’t forget it has just as much to do with the guy attached to the penis as it does you.
Now they say that casual sex leads to depression. What’s the solution? Only have sex with guys you are romantically involved with on some level? What if, due to a slew of reasons, you simply never have those sorts of feelings for anyone you meet, and those people you do feel that way for don’t reciprocate?
Are you supposed to just stop having sex? Talk about depression!
I think maybe the solution is to limit this “Friends With Benefits” to just those who are “Sex Friends”—guys you don’t hang out with other than for sex. Take back the power: Wham-Bam-Thank-You-‘Dan’.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 7 2008 @ 11:08 pm: [report]
@Erin and What about
I think you both have elements in your response that I agree with. Erin I think you touch on something that could be put to good use by more people, dont try a fwb situation if what you are mainly looking for is the F part. If you have simply a hookup relationship with a guy and keep it to only that then you run less of a risk of becoming emotionally involved, this is only my opinion of course and it is coming from me as a male. Also on the second part that I agree with is that if you are out for sex and receive it from one person regularly without much complication then I dont see it as devaluing either aspect, the act of sex or the benefit of few-strings-friendship. Its an act of compartmentalizing in my opinion and thsoe who can do that effectively and enjoy it will be able to enjoy the fwb setup. =)
PS, how do you insert emoticons in these posts?
Jennie G.
wrote on December 7 2008 @ 11:37 pm: [report]
Wow. I really needed to hear that right now. I was wondering why my FWB situation wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be. It’s incredibly frustrating. Mainly because we aren’t friends at all. Thank you, Erin G.! My FWB is now a “Sex Friend”. I feel better now
shannac02
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 09:25 am: [report]
The Theory of FWB is a great one, but, it doesn’t take into account that MOST women are emotional creatures. Being that intimate with someone is bound to make you fall, unless you’re just not attracted to him at all, in which case, you’re probably not having very good sex… In my humble experience, sex with someone that you’re into and attracted to and (sometimes) in love with is the best and most satisfying sex. When that’s not an option, and you just need a little nooky, then the FWB is basically your best choice…
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 10:29 am: [report]
shanna
Good point hun, I agree that the setup doesnt take into account the emotional standpoint of both people involved. Even if you are attracted to the person but you realize the situation and want to keep it just fwb, I believe it is possible. Like you said though, sex with a partner you care for and who openly loves you back seems to be the most satisfying. (hushes on the rest of my thought) =)
suzybabies
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 11:22 am: [report]
most men are emotional creatures as well. i ve been in some fwb wiht guys and eventually one partner becomes attached to the idea of turning it into a ‘real’ relationship. it sucks but it is inevitable
for a good laugh check out http://www.studyandscore.com/exam
Diana Vilibert
wrote on December 8 2008 @ 10:48 pm: [report]
Most of my FWB situations were ex-turned-FWB…which, as you can imagine, always turned out SO well. That said, I think the key to a successful FWB relationship is hooking up with someone you could never see yourself dating…and not to fool yourself into thinking you can settle for FWB when you’re really secretly in love with the guy.
deej
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
In my experience, it’s the same as any other relationship dynamic. Sometimes things can get a little rough; an argument, communication issues, whatever. Emotions aren’t static and feelings can change, but sometimes the change is a temporary thing.
Having a FWB can be extremely satisfying for all involved, if everything’s above table and people are honest. It may require some talking at times, but so do all relationships. It was reading The Ethical Slut that helped me understand that love doesn’t necessarily equal sex and vice versa. And that enjoying sex with a friend can be highly rewarding and fun!
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
I agree deej and I dont think that it is inevitable that feelings have to develop for one person or the other in a fb situation. I think that if feelings are developing then someone went into to the arrangement wither half heartedly or with the wrong mindset and they only fooled themselves into thinking, it will only be sex and thats it. I think you can also be an fb with someone you could date, not to contridict, it is just a matter of how you approach and and the expectations you set. You can have sex without emotional attachment if you really want, its just how hard to try towards that end, in my opinion.
aryn525
wrote on December 17 2008 @ 04:40 pm: [report]
I think I agree with this… to a point. It sounds like there was no effort for a friendship before sex came up.
SouthOfNowhere
wrote on March 28 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
What’s the rule on becoming FWB with someone you already have feelings for? Is that a bad idea?
cntrygirl
wrote on March 29 2009 @ 07:31 am: [report]
Well I was FWB with the same guy for six years! We now have a nine month old son together. We are having to go through the stage of getting to know who each other are, outside of the bedroom and bars. We are not together but still sleeping together? We go to each others family functions? We have met eachothers friends? What the future holds, only time will tell. However the question still runs through my mind, even though we have a son together, am I still just that peice of ass, or does it have any meaning at all behind it?? My head has never been so twisted and confused, yet I can’t make myself stop sleeping with him? Believe me FWB can get complicated quickly, even though my son is the best thing that could of ever happened to me.
SouthOfNowhere
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 08:45 pm: [report]
wow @cntrygirl ... that’s a crazy setup you have going on there. you guys never talked about it??
surewhynot
wrote on August 13 2009 @ 06:23 pm: [report]
wow! I went into my “fwb” a year ago thinking, it is just sex. Great sex with an old flame, friend for 20 years, share so much in common. Today, all that I mentioned and more feelings, deeper and the sex is just getting better and better. how the hell do i let that go? I must do it, I must…thank you for this article. time to say good bye and farewell to my lover…oh, boy!
turninnburnin3
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
This was a great article! I finally got out of my terrible FWB “relationship”. Turns out he was an a$$! And I actually liked him and I thought if I just continued with the ridiculous charade he would like me and we would develop a meaningful relationship. HAHA..never happened. And before that I was FWB with an ex. Even though it was perfect for me because I didn’t have any feelings for him, he ended up getting hurt in the end. My feelings are usually someone always gets hurt. So you think I would learn my lesson, nope! I just got involved with another FWB except this time he is actually nice. I didn’t think it would turn into this situation. I thought we could just be FWB. Now I am falling for him. So I am stuck in this terrible situation that makes me feel like crap, again.