How Good A Friend Should You Be To An Ex?
Posted by: Annika Harris
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Friday May 29th 2009
Last night, I found myself packing up my ex-boyfriend’s stuff in preparation for his move. He didn’t have anyone else willing to help, including friends and family, so he was doing it alone. My main reason for helping, obviously, was because after three months of separation, I missed him. We’ve talked occasionally, so it wasn’t like he had called me out of the blue and said, “Help me pack my s**t!”
Even though we hadn’t seen each other in a while, it still felt like we were friends when I saw him. Not being his girl anymore made it easier to deal with the bra (that wasn’t mine) I found in his drawer. To be fair, he warned me, saying that I might find some things I didn’t want to see. (I believe it was from a previous girlfriend long ago because it was all stretched out and I know he has better taste now.) During the packing process, I started to wonder whether I’m a pushover. He’s not my boyfriend anymore—was helping him with his move too nice a thing for an ex to do, or was I just being a good friend?
After the jump, instances when it’s okay to be good to an ex and when you’re being too nice to the jerk who broke your heart.
| GOOD | TOO GOOD |
|---|---|
| Texting him on his birthday | Throwing him a surprise birthday party |
| Emailing him links to job openings | Updating his resume and writing cover letter |
| Returning a favorite shirt that he left at your place | Doing his laundry and picking up his dry cleaning |
| Letting him take your extra sporting event ticket | Buying him season tickets post-breakup |
| Helping him pick out a new suit | Helping him pick out a new suit to wear on a date with his new crush |
| Walking his dog while he's away for the weekend | House sitting for a week while he sows his wild oats in Vegas |
| Not dishing about the breakup to his friends | Pretending to be BFFs with his friend's whiny girlfriend because she hates change |
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EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
hmm maybe some are just more into the whole “lets still be friends” thing than I am but I think of an ex as just that, an ex. Even if things were cordial and mutual, I see no need to do any of the things listed above, not out of wanting to be spiteful but just the principal of it.
Arty
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]
@ECM I think the decision to be friends with an ex or not should depend on the situation—if you were friends before you dated, how you became a couple, if the break-up was friendly and not gut-wrenching, etc.
Back on topic, this is a good list. The stuff in the right column is definitely beyond the bounds of friendship.
tabby
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
I agree with everything except the resume writing. I do that for my work study students all the time. It is a hard economy out there and very few people have good resume writing skills. Why wouldn’t I want to share the knowledge?
kristy1584
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
Ex is an ex they arent someone I communicate with at all! Its called a break up for a reason! My latest ex still texts me and emails me all the time and I NEVER respond. Im done with him, Im moved on with my life and Im assuming he has seeing as how hes now married. I just think its weird to be friends with exes and I like dating people who think the same way. I dont wanna date a guy all caught up in his ex gf. Its uncomfortable.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
Agreed Kristy
And for idea of if you are friends before hand you can go back to being friends afterward, this may be true for some but I have never seen it stay LT. Just because you built a relationship on being friends first doesnt mean you can go back to that status after becoming much more involved. Maybe it works for some and more power to them but I personally dont see the point.
Arty
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
The point is, sometimes people enjoy hangout out together, and it doesn’t make sense to stop just because the sexual and romantic feelings do. At least, that’s why I’m still friends with my ex. If other people don’t want to stay friends with their exes, that’s fine with me, and I’d appreciate it if others weren’t judgmental about my friendship choices. To each her own, right?
retro chic
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 09:09 pm: [report]
@Annika/article’s: “My main reason for helping, obviously, was because after three months of separation, I missed him.”
—Probably the truest, most honest admission about the pretext of “helping” an ex so soon post-breakup—an excuse for “helping” ourselves. It’s just hard to let go all at once. Be sure you’re appreciated, not used, ie, helping him move into his new GF’s place.
aminata
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]
I think this list is too good for an ex, no matter how cool they are. If I did all that stuff on the “good” list, I’d feel like a door mat.
C.Munro
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 04:31 pm: [report]
I’m at least friendly with more than half of my exes. Then again, most of my relationships start out as friendships, never get all that intense, and don’t last very long, so I guess there’s not much material to build a grudge from. It doesn’t seem like it should be a big deal. If I enjoy someone’s company and don’t have difficulty being around her, why wouldn’t I want to be friends?
What I don’t do is sleep with or date exes.