Fox News Does Kinky Sex

Ah, Fox News. We hardly knew ye! Most Americans know the Fox News Channel as the home of some of this country’s most famously conservative pundits, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity among them—and Roger Ailes, a former Nixon adviser, is the network’s president. But, as it turns out, FOXNews.com aims to take a more hardcore approach to reporting the news. On the website, Dr. Yvonne Kristin Fulbright is the network’s in-house “FOXSexpert.” In her column, Fulbright offers conservative news-mongers sex tips and advice that are downright raunchy. From sado-masochism to premature ejaculation, celebrity sex tapes to transcendental orgasms, it’s Fox gone wild. After the jump, the best of the sex that Fox News has to offer.

1. On “Transcendent Sex”: “The closest I’ve ever come to such a spontaneous, divine experience involved my life-force energy shooting up from the base of my spine during an orgasm. It happened when I was with my ex-lover and I found myself blissfully lost in a purplish-turned-white light that went beyond my body.”

2. On the Male Sex Drive: “After all, evolutionary argument argues that men are supposed to be promiscuous. That’s what allows them to spread their seed in their effort to guarantee the success of the human race.”

3. How to Get a Woman in Bed: “Know how to serve one helluva cocktail.”

4. How to Stop Prematurely Ejaculating: “One of the lovers then squeezes his penis, for 3 to 4 seconds, using the thumb and first or second forefingers at the very base of his penis or at the ridge under his penis head.”

5. On Cheating: “If you’re worried about turning into a cheater (or committing a repeat offense), yet you can’t love the one you’re with, invest in a blow-up doll.”

6. On BDSM: “Whether practicing bondage and discipline or S&M (sado-masochism), many individuals and couples thrive off of the power dynamic certain forms of sex play offer. With one partner in charge and the other submissive, acts can involve binding, spanking, pinching, and verbal humiliation, among other activities. Some people like this because they experience sexual gratification from being dominated, from calling the shots, or from inflicting and experiencing pain.”

7. On Celebrity Sex Tapes: “Unlike plotless porn videos, celeb sex offers us two things we thrive on when it comes to a sexual rendezvous: a context and emotion. In knowing who they’ve hooked up with, married, had kids with, fantasized about… these sex tapes are the soft (or hardcore) porn version of ‘Friends.’ Better yet, we don’t feel nearly as dirty watching these videos because they’re not having sex for money or for your viewing pleasure. These tapes involve more than two sweaty, naked bodies writhing and sliding all over each other. Unlike most porn, there’s a mental element — an energetic exchange — to their sex, and that draws us in.”