Five I Love Yous That Don’t (Have To) Count
Posted by: Catherine Strawn
Filed in:
relationships
10:20AM, Wednesday July 8th 2009
How many people have you said “I love you” to? If someone asked me that question, I wouldn’t know how to respond. I have managed to block out some of the love I may have spread over the years, just as some people shrink the number of people they’ve slept with. We’re not callous people here at The Frisky, but some of us have said that phrase when it shouldn’t have been said. Here’s when “I love you” doesn’t necessarily count.
IT DOESN’T COUNT IF…
1. ...you were young and naive.
You told your high school boyfriend you loved him, didn’t you? And then the two of you broke up a few months later? I did. At the time, I thought it was love when someone sent you roses on your 16th birthday and mailed you letters while you were at summer camp. But it’s not. And then he got weird, wouldn’t let me dump him, and started showing up at my house uninvited. Definitely not love.
2. ...you were lonely.
This isn’t nice to do to someone, but sometimes you don’t realize until after the relationship is over that you were only in it because you were bored. You just kept staying together and going through the steps that you go through when you’re in a relationship, including saying “I love you.” And then, after you realized this, you broke his little heart. Oops. If you’ve done this accidentally, try not to do it again. If you’ve done this on purpose, shame on you.
3. ...your blood alcohol content was five times the legal limit.
We don’t advise binge drinking, but things can get out of control from time to time. We know. When they do, you might say something because you’re feeling so in the moment. Really, you’re just feeling those seven gin blossom cocktails.
4. ...you only have a vague idea that you might have said it.
Just like you can totally blank on remembering to pick up milk at the grocery—or whether he actually penetrated—you can forget about the feelings you had for someone after you’ve moved on. It’s possible that you and the guy you dated freshman year of college said those three words, but the relationship after him was so much better and deeper that it eclipses any love the two of you might have had.
5. ...you slipped up and said it.
A new relationship can sometimes feel like an old one, and you might accidentally say things you’ve said to other guys, i.e., called him someone else’s nickname or said “I love you” to him before drifting off to sleep. It sucks when this happens because it might scare the new guy off, but it’s not your fault you’re having relationship deja-vu.
Now, go forth and choose your words wisely.
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Jessica Wakeman
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
Post-orgasm is when I’ve let “I love you"s slip out that maybe shouldn’t have happened….
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 10:28 am: [report]
And for a lot of guys, I bet it would be PRE-orgasm.
I Go To 11
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
How about when someone says it to you, and you’re not sure how to respond, so you say it back anyway? I’ve had some awkward moments when I was dating someone new, they seemed to fall for me, but I was still getting to know them and I didn’t know if I loved them or not. I’ve always wondered what the best way to handle that situation would be; I didn’t want to seem mean, but at the same time I was taken aback by the whole thing. (Not that it matters for me now, since I’m engaged, but I’m curious to see what others would do. Plus, these were in my younger, more clueless days.)
Emilie
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
i definitely have done #5. the new beau and i were passing out from a “rough” night and i responded to his “goodnight baby” with a drowsy “i love y….” before i realized what i was saying. yikes.
marirene
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
I am with Jessica… and I never regretted anything more in my life after b/c I was in my curious phase and she wasn’t
lolabolt
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
Hey (@?) I Go To 11, I’ve experienced the awkward moment where I was dating someone new (I am still dating him now), that fell for me and declared it first, but I was still unsure. He had given me many blatant signs that he felt that way and that he was going to tell me, so I wasn’t as blindsided as I could have been whenever he actually said it to me. After he said it, I pretty much smiled, kissed him and thanked him. He seemed to be a bit confused and said, “do you love me?” I then told him that I thought it to be disingenuous to tell someone that you love them simply in a reply to them having said it first. I thought I pissed him off, but he took it well.
About a month later, after thinking about it and thinking about how I wanted to tell him and how much he means to me, I told him that I loved him.
This didn’t happen that long ago, but a few nights ago when we were laying in bed he told me that he appreciated that I didn’t tell him that I loved him just to say it back. He appreciated my reasoning and said it meant that much more to him (and really demonstrated to him that I meant it) whenever I DID say it to him.
Even thought I was slightly prepared to hear those words based on his actions for a few days leading up to it, it was still shocking to hear, namely since I wasn’t SURE, SURE that I was completely on the same page as him. I didn’t want to seem mean intentionally, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it back on principle, either. I’m glad that I waited. It would have ended up being true anyway, but I prefer not to toss those words around carelessly.
Lynn
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
@I go to 11 & lolabolt - I’ve been in a similar situation. An ex told me he loved me after one month (!!!!) and I just smiled and kissed him. I thought he would get the hint, and I wouldn’t have to be mean about it, but he just looked at me all hurt and said “but don’t you love me too?” and I’m ashamed to admit that after a tense pause, I said “yes.” I shouldn’t have, and I regretted it right away, but why did he go ASKING me that when obviously I didn’t want to say it! Arggg!
Huny14
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
Can I just say that I love that you guys are letting me take back my life mistakes. Gimme another. Five friendships that don’t count? Five things you’ve said to your mother that don’t count? I’m really pumped for another one.
Shasta
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
@Lynn - You’re not still with this guy are you? If you are I bet he starts checking your texts and accusing you of cheating in about two months. Sounds totally insecure.
ot2b2009
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
What about the person you say, “I love you” to who makes you take it back? They shouldn’t count either.
And, for the record, I was in college, not in elementary school.
Simcha Whitehill
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
during sex… you’re just in a haze
Elena
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 06:22 pm: [report]
@huny14: hahaha, i love it! i agree 100%, we need more lists that nullify our life mistakes.
staceface
wrote on July 8 2009 @ 09:26 pm: [report]
@ I go to 11: Totally! Most awkward situation ever! In the past, my go-to response (not that this happens all that often, but I guess often enough that I have a go-to response) is “Thank you, but I’m just not there yet, and I don’t want to say that with you until I’m totally ready. That way, we both know that I mean it when I say it.”
That response, of course, was developed after one really, really bad post-sex moment where the boyfriend said it, and I said something like, “And I love…cake.”
Infamous
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 04:09 am: [report]
@staceface: Best response ever! But, in your defense, cake is pretty awesome. Haha!!
pornqueen
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 07:22 am: [report]
Definitely, pre, during and after sex. It does not count! Not at all. I think I said it once but I was in a complete orgasm induced trance that I don’t even recall saying it. He says I did… I say I don’t remember.
I’m so going to steal the “and I love…cake” line. Hillarious!
onewriter
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
@lolabolt and anyone else I missed…thank you for fixing my conundrum!!! I am going to be telling my man this weekend that I love him because it’s eating me up inside holding it back, but I don’t want him to think he has to return it for the very reasons you’ve stated. I’m going to tell him before I say it, that I need to talk to him but I only want him to listen to me and not respond. He will. He’s a good listener. Then when he is ready some day, he can say it to me with no pressure. Thank you thank you thank you!!! (and to think I almost didnt’ read this article and comments!
Lynn
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
@Shasta - oh god, no! He’s an ex for a reason. Way too smothering.
nowhere88
wrote on July 11 2009 @ 05:45 pm: [report]
AHHH!!! Last summer I was dating someone (which turned out to be just a summer fling) and it slipped out because I thought he had said it to me, but apparently I was wrong. I think I might have freaked him out a bit.
Inakika
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
Huny14,
You hit the nail on the head for me!! How about 5 things directions I should have run in BEFORE I married him!?
TokenMale
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]
I don’t get all the super insecure guys who follow up with “But you love me too, right?” Not only is it incredibly manipulative, it makes you sound like a human puddle.
I’ve had to deal with much worse. I once had a girlfriend who when we were just starting dating replaced ‘love’ with “like”. Aww, I like you. Every time she’d say that it just was another awkward reminder of how new and insecure we were together.
I’m glad to see lots of women here handle pre-emptive I love you’s better than that.
onewriter
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 02:29 am: [report]
I finally said “I love you” to my partner tonight. Thanks to all your posts. I told him that I didn’t want him to say anything when I was done but I had to talk to him. I told him how I’d been feeling-like Arthur Dimmsdale in Scarlet Letter, and I was being eaten up with the need to tell him something. After I told him, we talked for about an hour about things and I’m very satisfied with the conversation. Apparently, he had figured out a while ago how I felt, so, it wasn’t a huge surprise, but it seems like we are both happy with the outcome of our conversation.
Lynn
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
@TokenMale - awww, I don’t think it was so bad of her to say that! I’m biased…because my BF and I said “I like you” for a year, 10 times a day, before we finally said “love.” It was a cute way to express our affection before we were 100% ready to say “love.” We took a while, but I like it, because we didn’t rush into it. We still say “I like you” more than we say “love” just because it’s more fun and flirty!
_jsw_
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:44 pm: [report]
@onewriter: Congratulations - it’s always a bit nerve-wracking, but oh-so-good when it turns out well!
onewriter
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:46 pm: [report]
@jsw thanks! he’s such a dear…
Em.El.E.
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 12:30 am: [report]
YES!!! hahaha i can officially not count any of the times i have told a man that i love him! WOOT WOOT! (this is including the awkward to someone saying it and you saying it back because thats all you could say!) this is excellent news. Thankyou!
juliePS
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
in the words of my favorite college hookup: “When a guy says ‘I love you’ anywhere in the vicinity of sex, what he really means is ‘I love THIS.’”
fifi
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 09:31 pm: [report]
@juliePS: True, true! Guys would say ANYTHING you want them to say when you’re hot and heavy in bed.
That goes for girls, too, but in a different way. I’m still trying to figure out the perfect moment to say “I love you” to my boyfriend (I really, really do). But several times, during really awesome sex, I had to bite my tongue to keep from screaming it!!!
changkaken
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 04:32 am: [report]
From China , I am looking for sb to help me with my poor English.