First Time For Everything: Getting Spanked
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
sex
9:00AM, Monday June 1st 2009
My first spanking was at my 16th birthday party. My guy friends tackled me on the kitchen floor and took turns giving me 16 spanks. And maybe one for good luck. I don’t remember. Once freed, I was livid. I was mortified.
And I was totally turned on.
By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.
In the years to come, I got some playful spankings, during which I was always twisting, giggling, and trying to get out of it. My first serious boyfriend loved to smack me on the ass as a joke, as did my second serious boyfriend. The more I protested, laughingly telling them to stop, the more they did it. And getting playful spanks always, always led to making out. I look back now and see that both guys realized I loved getting spanked long before I did.
You could say I was in denial about my spanking fetish. It wasn’t that I thought slapping booty was abuse, nor was my starched WASP upbringing to blame. No, the problem was my feminist sensibilities. I realize now that the term “feminism” is vague and means different things for different people, but when I was younger, I assumed there was a way a feminist should think and act. So, even though I liked the feeling of getting spanked, I felt conflicted about giving up my physical power, thinking spanking wasn’t something an independent and opinionated woman should enjoy. Just how, I fretted, could a partner take me seriously as a thinker, a doer, and a creator when I wanted to be submissive to him? What if people think I’m weird or screwed up?
But my sex drive proved mightier than my hang-ups and spanking became a main course of my sex life—albeit a shameful one—in college. By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked. And I was, by a few different guys who, to varying degrees, were down with giving me spankings. But I still felt kind of ashamed because they themselves didn’t enjoy it, but they spanked me anyway because they knew it made me happy.
When I was 21, right after I graduated college, I began dating Brandon, a brilliant, charismatic, confident 22-year-old. I loved how his dominant, even arrogant personality manifested itself between the sheets. (Really, the only place I could put up with such a personality.) I didn’t have to ask for him to spank or dominate me because he did it naturally, and I didn’t feel like I was “choosing” to be submissive. But when we broke up after nine months, I knew I wanted the next guy I dated to be dominant in bed, like Brandon had been. I did a little Googling about submission and spanking fetishes and discovered it was a lot of other people’s fetishes, as well.
Fast forward a few years, and a few sexually unfulfilling relationships, to Charles, the first guy who made me feel like there wasn’t anything wrong or un-feminist about wanting to be spanked. I’d known Charles for years, so he knew about my feminist activism and the writing I do about women’s issues. Once Charles learned about my dom/sub fetish, he knew—and respected—how conflicted I felt. Charles wanted to spank a woman as badly as I wanted to be spanked, and that was what mattered to him. Plus, he’d struggled with apathetic partners, as I had, and he owned a paddle! Alas, Charles also had a girlfriend.
Not that that stopped us. No, we were selfish: Charles cheated on his girlfriend with me. But those few weeks were sexually charged, passionate and wonderful. And other than feeling guilt about the cheating, I didn’t feel ashamed about what we were doing. Getting spanked and dominated in bed by an enthusiastic partner was the most sexually liberating feeling of my entire life.
Eventually, Charles and I ended our relationship when he wouldn’t end it with his girlfriend. I talked with my therapist, Dr. B, about how the emotional part of the relationship hadn’t been right, but my sexual chemistry with Charles had been spot-on.
However, instead of addressing how disappointed I felt that my intimate relationship had ended, or why I was in yet another relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, Dr. B focused on why I liked to be spanked. She kept steering the discussion back to what being submissive must mean in the grand scheme of things. Did I think I was bad? Did I think sex was bad? Did I think I deserved to be punished? Was I working out my relationship with my parents? Was it oedipal?
No, I kept telling her: I wasn’t hit as a kid, I was never abused by my parents, I’ve never dated an abusive man, and I’d never hit my own kids. But week after week, she’d ask me these same questions, and I’d have to tell her, nope, I still don’t hate myself, and I still wasn’t abused as a kid.
Eventually, our therapist-patient relationship ended, too, when I realized Dr. B didn’t get it and likely never would. I’d gotten over my conflict, and there she was bringing it up again. I may be a submissive, but I wasn’t going to put up with my shrink’s judgment!
I’m still coming to terms with my feminist beliefs, and how they interact with my desire for submissive sex, especially my spanking fetish. At this point in my life, at 25, I finally feel comfortable choosing to be submissive in a relationship with a man in the bedroom, as long as he is choosing to behave in a dominant way and he respects me outside of the bedroom. My love of a good spanking is not a conflict for me anymore. In fact, I respect myself more than I ever did for knowing exactly what pleases me and not being afraid to ask for it.
It took me far too many years to realize that it wasn’t very feminist of me to police my own sexuality, to label it “good for feminism” or “bad for feminism.” It is what it is! After I saw “Milk,” the movie about gay rights activist Harvey Milk, I decided I wanted to be someone who completely owns her sexuality, even if it’s not mainstream. I’m not ashamed anymore, and I don’t have to pussyfoot around asking for what I really want: I absolutely have to be submissive and spanked often, if not all the time, in order to enjoy sex.
Even though my sex life is the best it has ever been, it’s more important to me that I’ve figured out how I define my feminism for myself. The thrills of a dom/sub relationship might not work for other women and men who use the same “feminist” label that I do, but I’m not worrying about them anymore. I know I can enjoy a bedroom dynamic which, outside the bedroom, wouldn’t be acceptable. And I can still call myself a feminist.
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subpar
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
KUDOS Jessica! WOW! This was one of the most refreshing posts I’ve ever read, on this site or any other. So often, you read about sex and there’s a sense of detachment on the author’s part. I don’t care what Sue Johanson or your next door neighbor or your gyno said about fetishes, I want a first hand account. And you gave it, girl.
On another note, spanking is the bomb.
bogart4017
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
What kind of Dr makes a patient feel guilty about a fetish. If i was into it i wouldnt mind giving a little lite spanking—a letting a guy be dominate in bed? Its natural. What guy wouldnt want it?
sparklestar
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
She had likely been taught Freudian psychotherapy techniques and just wasn’t going to let go of them! WHY do you feel the need to be spanked? WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS? WHAT DOES YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS TELL YOU THROUGH THIS?
Some people buy the Freud stuff and a lot of people don’t, different strokes for different folks!
I PERSONALLY love to be spanked and I have been in kind of the same position! I was a women’s studies major, wrote an anti-pornography/pro-women dissertation but feel conflicted in the bedroom when all I want is a good spanking!!
My current boyfriend is the only guy to truly understand this. He is a switch so he can dom or sub and we like it both ways. I’m so happy to have found somebody as sexually liberated in BDSM as I am and it’s wonderful. He doesn’t make me feel as if I am compromising my feminist beliefs by receiving a good spanking as really… I am the one who is most liberated by ordering him to do it ! Being a sub isn’t necessarily submissive as you are the one who is really in control.
z3nger
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
I went through exactly what you went through (without the Dr.B part) and I’m happy to now be able to embrace my submissive side and be in a very committed relationship with a great guy who is dominant but respects me completely. =)
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
I can say from always having been the spanker and not the spankee that it is a big turn on for me both as a male and as someone who is Dominant in that area of their personality. I am no alpha male who likes to control conversations or meetings but I have no problem being so behind closed doors. I think that some may associate it in the more raunchy and playful “just smack a girls ass” way but I can say, as another poster did, that if you explore those sides of your personality with a committed partner it can be very fulfilling. I wont do into a whole D/s thing here but there are other mild kinks that are very fun as well…. =)
Lynn
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
I would never be able to be so honest in a public forum. Kudos!
Spanking is fun - I’m glad you don’t feel bad about it anymore. It would be a great waste of an ass if you did!
John DeVore
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]
Wow. Great post.
I’ve been with women who are into spanking. I’m not into spanking. These women were very smart, willful, strong. Never once did I ever consider them… weaker? Nor anti-feminist doormats. They just knew what they liked, and owned it.
Sometimes it’s hot to surrender.
Amelia
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
Yes, good for you Jess, for expressing yourself so honestly. And for the record, I love a good spanking too.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
hehe I agree Lynn. I definitely wouldn’t have offered up my take on it either unless someone else had gotten the ball rolling
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
John, to each their own.
some are into more than others, some not at all. We can one and all turn the other…rosey..cheek lol
Ginger
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
Everyone before me pretty much said it all, but I still need to say how amazing this article was.
tattooed_redhead
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
Thank you!!! I consider myself a feminist, I am definitely a strong personality, and nothing gets me hotter than being totally dominated in bed. Glad to hear I’m not alone!
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]
damn, these posts are a double edged sword. I am glad that they get kinks out in the open that some might not otherwise comment on and they really bring the point home for some since they are written from experience. The bad part, for me at least, now there are all these strong, confident and intelligent women commenting on how they like to be spanked and dominated. Bites my tongue and dabs my brow
IrishErin
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
I love that in my current relationship I don’t have to feel weird about discussing any sort of preferences. We click so well that every “kink” we’ve experimented with came about organically. He is very internalized and detached in person (according to most people) until he knows you very well. And while I talk a lot, I’ve always been known as very proper and modest. But in the bedroom, we rock the dirty talk like nobody’s business. I find it hilarious. Because nobody would expect it. And when spanking came into the picture, I was worried about his reaction. But he just went along with it merrily and enjoys it as much as I do. We are both switch in that we like to be dom sometimes and sub others. It’s a blissful feeling to be free in your own skin with someone else who is the same, no?
develange
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]
Hmmmm, perhaps there will have to be a spanking session tonight.
retro chic
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
Just don’t spank like a porn star dude. Own it, and it grabs either side of me.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
hmmm…someone know cpr if I pass out? grabbing and sides being mentioned does nothing to help me stay calm
Bad Breakup
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
Haha oh this is too much! I really shouldn’t be reading this at work…Luckily there’s a desk blocking the view of my lower body! It’s awesome to hear all these women own up to it and be proud of what they like. Add me to the list of men who enjoy giving a lady a nice hard spanking every once in awhile!
Lluvia
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 10:22 pm: [report]
Sorry, but this sexual behavior hardly registers on the “shocking” scale. You like to get spanked and you’re a feminist—not since the 1970’s have these things been categorized as mutually exclusive (since you were a women’s studies minor, I’d recommend brushing up on some past readings; Ellen Willis and Betty Dodson might be a good place to start).
Also, it’s kinda hard to take this whole story seriously since you got the name of the organization of WHICH YOU WERE ALLEGEDLY PRESIDENT ON YOUR CAMPUS wrong. It’s National Organization FOR Women, not “of”, and anyone who has been a member should know that. Credentials, please?
Simosa
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 08:24 am: [report]
Great post Jessica. I loved it.
Jessica
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 08:25 am: [report]
@Lluvia Oh my God, you’re right. Embarrassing!
brett06
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
i find the beginning of this post upsetting, not to be too critical. but you described a situation that i would consider sexual assualt (which is very different from what you described from other situations which were all consentual) did you correct those guys? did they apologize? its important to make it clear to young men what is and isnt consent.
majicksand
wrote on June 4 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
I always thought enjoying submission in the bedroom was not only normal but healthy for a progressive woman. I’m in charge of a lot in my daily life. I have to be dominant most of the time, so in my most intimate moments with someone I trust, it’s nice to not be in control. I need time to relax and let go without worrying that the world will fall apart. Thankfully, I have a man who loves and respects me enough to know when to switch gears.
divegirl
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 02:53 am: [report]
This is an awesome post. I feel the same way about being submissive - I have to have it to be fully turned on. I love to be controlled. Not in real life, though. Only in bed. I don’t think there is any shame to any sexual fetish - as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone deliberately. Way to own it.
waveslikec
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]
this is a HORRIBLE post. sure, get spanked, whatever. as long as it’s in your choosing, but don’t call yourself a feminist and have pride in being one when you don’t practice it. feminism should not only be about females rights but about solidarity with other women, and you completely disregarded any type of respect for another woman by knowingly having sex with an attached guy. obviously, contrary to your feminist statements, you’d rather be submissive to a man and disrespect another woman for sex.
when did feminism become just a theory without the practice?
snap
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:41 pm: [report]
@waves: and that was a horrible response. feminism isn’t about unconditional loyalty to every woman on the planet. it’s about being who you are. no one condones cheating, but how can you absolutely condone unfettered loyalty to a stranger? and when a man cheats, it’s NO ONE’S fault but HIS OWN. it’s not the other woman’s fault: it’s his fault. and if it wasn’t with her, it would have been with another woman. i’d say that a true feminist would hold a MAN accountable for his own indiscretions, rather than the woman who just participated.
Darwin
wrote on June 6 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
Um yes! While Waves response is heavy handed I agree with the sentiment. I too was surprised by the lack of guilt over the infidelity. Your response is also heavy handed, but really sexist. Unless your hypothetical man lies to the other woman, both share blame.
blwpyrtv
wrote on June 6 2009 @ 11:52 pm: [report]
Jessica, I know you probably didn’t intend for this essay to prompt such a dead-serious note, but I hope you’ll consider at some point addressing the sexual exploitation which is enabled by the legality of spanking minors without their consent. You’d be surprised at the level of violation that some guys have gotten away with under the cloak of “discipline.” (For illustration, see the news article at http://www.nospank.net/n-j87.htm among others.)
While the taboo against sexual spanking between consenting adults continues to erode, there is, tragically, a much stronger taboo when it comes to the subject of sexually abusive spanking.
Pucka
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 10:33 pm: [report]
Thank you, thank you, thank you. while i do not encounter the same dom/sub fetish or excitement you do, i completely relate to the simple spanking issue and conflict. i finally came to terms with a lot of this last year, but it’s so reassuring to see someone else’s journey.
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
As for me, I am a middle-aged guy and my last ‘real’ spanking was eons ago and purely ‘spur of the moment’. I modeled for a friend during a late Christmas/birthday party at my pad. After she tugged off the tear-away bikini I was wearing, she had me dane around in the buff, then found a chair and called her ‘bad boy’ over. Before I knew it, I was over her lap for a “fair yet firm” bare hand to bare hiney spanking. When she finished, she teased - “If I would have know AHEAD of time, I would have brought my PADDLE along!” The bare hand spanking was a shock, but I actually enjoyed it.
We poked fun after then and joked about it even amongst friends. She never did that to me again and several other women have teased that all men are nothing but bad boys and that we all need kept in line. Most agree that a bare hand is best on a bare hiney.
While my spanking desires are not met, I still say it would be fun to be across a woman’s lap, totally submissive and at her tender mercy, the same way I felt all those years ago!
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
Sorry - I met “she had me DANCE around…....” OMG!
venusian
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
Maybe someone can help me out here.. boys and girls alike… I wanted my ex to spank me but he couldn’t really get into it. He was madly in love with me ... and often pretty tender in the bedroom. the sex was the best of my life but we couldn’t get passed this. he said he didn’t want to disrespect me or that he COULDN"T bring himself to do it. this isn’t the first time this has happened ... what gives?
Dave The Rave
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]
venusian - sounds to me like your partner just didn’t have the sae tastes as you did. As for me, a friend one teased tat she would have had no problem spanking me and wanted it in return. Like your man, I told her I could not to so, since I didn’t know my own strength. Granted, had we actually done that I might have actually given her a mildly tanned hide, but I am not one to ever hit someone. So, sometimes us men err on the side of caution and that tends to be our downfall.
boogienights
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 10:54 pm: [report]
“By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.”
this is awesome. it’s a real turn on when confident women are go-getters but also know how to let their shield down and have a kinky-reggae time
seo techniques
wrote on July 9 2009 @ 12:11 am: [report]
Awesome Post Jessica! I really loved this quote : By day, I was a women’s studies minor, wrote a weekly feminist column for the student newspaper, and was president of the National Organization of Women on campus. By night, I really, really, really just wanted to be spanked.
Seo Techniques
Forex Forums
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 08:05 am: [report]
Wow, this is quite the story
I absolutely love this sort of thing, and any guy that has such a girl is very lucky indeed!
seo techniques
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 08:32 am: [report]
I wish my girfriend would read this. Now all I have to do is make her read this somehow without making it look like I purposely made her read it
Regards,
TJ from Dazzle White Free Trial
cherikee
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 05:47 am: [report]
Whoever said that the birthday spanks were assault(bretto6) is a sad, sad person. It is called FUN! You are supposed to be embarrassed and mortified, that is the whole point. A lot of people get birthday spanks growing up, it is innocent and harmless. Lighten up and enjoy life! Women have put so much fear into guys with this “assault” attitude that it just ruins relationships. Men are expected to be aggressive and make the first move and you can’t ask for permission because that ruins the “mood”. Many guys are scared to do anything, make any move, fearing that it is taken the wrong way. Sure, there is a line that can be crossed, but the problem is that every woman has a different line, how are we to know where that line is until we “test” you? Even then, sometimes a “no” IS a “yes”, making it even more confusing.
Dave The Rave
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 04:37 pm: [report]
Cherikee,
“Birthday spankings” were the norm when and where I was growing up and sometimes it could get out of hand, as it were. There is a difference between one person making another bare their hiney to be spanked in private, rather than when a roomful want the “victim” to do so. They tried that with me one time and I called them a bunch of perverts! That earned me a few slaps over my jeans, which didn’t bother me.
But, when one of them had a birthday and the very same crowd was there, I very bluntly told the person - “Okay, BARE that butt!” I got a very ignorant look!
“Well, if you wanted ME to do so, then fair is fair. Drop them jeans OR ELSE!!!!”
After a few more words, it was made very clear that this sort of stuff was to NEVER take place AGAIN! - or at least not in a “group” setting.
Spankings can be fun when done correctly AND are consensual.
cherikee
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 05:10 pm: [report]
It was always over the pants in my experience, never heard of a bare butt spank for a birthday. I guess that would be a whole different experience.
zwei351
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
Putting the spanking aside, and based on how you told the story, doesn’t being submissive mean that you like to be… lazy in bed?
Does it mean you suffered some kind of child abuse?... NO, it just means you like your partner to take care of things while you enjoy the ride. Nothing wrong with that. (unless you’re not doing anything at all, in which case it becomes a problem)