First Time For Everything: Rough Sex
Posted by: Rachel Kramer Bussel
Filed in:
sex
11:30AM, Monday August 17th 2009
I thought I’d had “rough sex” before; I’d been spanked on my butt plenty of times, had my hair pulled, even been caned once while strung up with my hands over my head. That hurt, and I cried, and I liked it, because I’m submissive like that, but it was just a one-time thing. I’d had plenty of encounters with talking dirty, spinning all sorts of nasty fantasies, where, most of the time, I was on the receiving end of some very hot epithets. But I’d never wanted to be choked until I got together with the guy I’m dating now.
The newness makes me feel, to invoke Madonna for a moment, in some small way, like a virgin, like I am giving him some part of myself I’ve never given anyone before.
He knew I was into spanking, and we’d been friends for over a decade, so the first night we got together was plenty kinky. But from there, in the past four months, it’s only gotten more intense. I don’t know exactly when it started, but once he put his hand around my neck during sex, I realized I loved it. At first, it was just a bit of added pressure, almost an afterthought, somewhere else to touch me. Since then, though, it’s become something I crave in a way that sometimes scares me, and I like both parts: the physical intensity, and the scariness. Sometimes, in addition to spanking my butt, he also hits my breasts, and, at my request, slaps my face. Sometimes this happens during sex, sometimes while I’m going down on him. He’ll grab my hair, yank it hard, pushing and pulling me like a puppet, and I love it. Actually, love is an understatement. The more dominant he is, the further I want him to go.
There’s something both exciting and arousing for me about the way we interact. I’ve done kinky things before, but usually in a more casual context, or in a more playful way, and I’ve never been choked before. The newness makes me feel, to invoke Madonna for a moment, in some small way, like a virgin, like I am giving him some part of myself I’ve never given anyone before. Even if he doesn’t know that, I do, and it makes it feel special.
I’ve been trying to find words to describe just why it’s so exciting, and, despite writing daily, I find it a challenge. If you’re not into any type of BDSM, I doubt you can understand the thrill, but I’ll try. You know how sometimes your mind drifts off during sex? (And please don’t tell me it’s never happened!) Even if the sex is good, sometimes your mind just goes somewhere else. Well, when someone is slapping your face or choking you, that doesn’t happen.
It’s not only that it keeps me firmly rooted in the present, nor is it only psychological, though that’s a big factor. It’s physical; the minute he starts to get rough with me, I get wet, excited, ready. My body responds just as much, if not more so, as my mind. The same way kissing might pull the trigger for some women, choking does for me—or rather, getting choked by him. I know for sure that there are plenty of past lovers who’d have been booted out of bed for trying it with me; that just wasn’t what we were about. But with this guy, it’s all about adrenaline.
Is it scary? Not in the sense that I think I’m going to get hurt, but sometimes the depths of my reactions do unnerve me. I also think there’s a cultural sense in which women, especially feminists, aren’t supposed to say they like rough sex like this, lest it be equated with violence against women, so let me be clear: I’m not condoning violence or non-consensual activity in any way. This is something that we both get off on. The misconception that consensual BDSM is a precursor to violence, which has been addressed here before, disturbs me greatly. It’s why I’m so glad that porn company Vivid just released “Penny Flame’s Guide to Rough Sex,” with instructions on how to do it safely; knowing that other people, not just Eliot Spitzer, are into choking, makes me feel like it’s more acceptable. Maybe I shouldn’t need that added validation, but I do. Because it’s one thing to tell your friends you’re into spanking—people do that at birthday parties and in fraternity houses—and another to say you like to be choked during sex. Claiming that is probably scarier for me than actually doing it.
For me, playing rough is also a way to depart from my everyday “I’ve got it all together” façade, because it truly is a façade. Half the time, I feel like I’m barely making it through the day, a panic attack waiting to happen. When we go there, into the very intense world of rough sex, there is no pretense that I am holding anything together. I’m not, on some level—I’m letting him run the show, even though I sometimes make requests (“hit me harder, pinch my nipples,” or move his hands toward my throat). He is (and I mean this as a compliment, I really do) a sensitive, sweet guy. I wouldn’t say shy, but certainly not macho or caddish. Yet when we engage this way, he becomes someone tougher, meaner, fiercer. Knowing that deep down he’s a good guy makes that transformation really hot for me. I don’t think I’d be into playing that way with a guy who thought he was God’s gift to women—or one who thought that all men are meant to dominate all women (I’ve met kinky guys like that and they’re horrible).
To me, the only truly “dangerous” part about it is that every time we do it, I want to go further. Rough sex takes me into a heightened state where it feels like anything can happen. I usually end up with tears in my eyes, but they are tears of intensity, pleasure, arousal, excitement, fear, uncertainty and submission, all rolled into one, like when you’re moved by a piece of art and can’t let your emotions out any other way.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
“Penny Flame’s Guide to Rough Sex” Isn’t new. I’d wager a guess that it is 6-8 months old.
That being said. This is a good story, and has an illuminating theme about how everyone needs to do a bit more exploration about what they like.
EarthGoddess
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
<geek>It’s a good thing you don’t live in Bon Temps, LA or know any vampires. You’d be in trouble, girlie!</geek>
realily
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 11:26 am: [report]
I liked this piece. It was honest and bare. It was also really insightful. I literally laughed in recognition reading the passage about drifting off during sex-that definitely doesn’t happen during bdsm play. Thanks for sharing this of yourself-I know how you feel about the deliciousness of letting go and not having to ‘play’ in control all the time.
Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
BDSM is often misunderstood and unfairly judged—this piece was incredibly open, insightful, and intelligent. Thanks for sharing, Rachel!
Emi
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
I liked this piece too! And I understand what you mean. I never really thought of myself as submissive until I met my boyfriend, but I absolutely love rough sex. To feel that abandonment of everything during the day, and even at night in the bedroom not letting anything hold you back. No shyness, no self doubts or insecurity, no worries, nothing.
Keeper
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
And men get chastised for treating woman like objects. Uh, if that’s the way they prefer it, then it isn’t a guys fault.
dixie1966
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
This really hit home for me. My current boyfriend has made me feel safe enough to act on some of my own BSDM fantasies. It is an incredible turn-on and nothing gets me hotter than seeing his reaction/arousal to my kinkiness and willingness to indulge his. There is so much freedom and excitement at what we’ll think of next. It’s really the best!
Natalia
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
As a dominant woman in general, I love being dominated in bed as well. I enjoy choking and hard spanking but I find it difficult to get someone to actually do it, especially since I am such a small girl (5’, 110 lbs). Once I got a really nice after-sex spank that was what I wanted DURING but he was worried he’d hurt me, etc, how do I get him to get over that?
dixie1966
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
... BDSM. Sorry.
ThatWeirdGamerChick
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
All I’d recommend is to be very careful with erotic asphyxiation (sp?). The euphoria experienced during is caused by dying brain cells, which is a bit weird to think about, and if it’s done too often or not properly, can cause serious damage, and I’m sure everyone has heard of accidental death caused by said action. Sorry to be the kill-joy
Joey Daytona
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
You’ve given we who enjoy this ‘dark’ play lots of hope. When we meet someone we want to be liked, but can be afraid to be too honest or we scare the nice ones away. I like the ones who are nice on the outside and wild on the inside!
He’s a lucky guy to have found someone who likes the rough kink too. Just have a safe word handy and be able to breathe and speak it.
Coral
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
Although I am into quite a bit of BDSM, it can be quite ‘dangerous’ and damaging to a woman who is a survivor of sexual, and even physical abuse. It’s hard to describe, but it’s not easy to keep a balance of being able to enjoy it without feeling ‘dirty’ or guilty.
stiffinp
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
Thankx, but no thankx. I do not get a turn on by excessive roughness.
To “ThatWeirdGamerChick”: Is that when someone simulates hanging themselves and jerking off?? That was in an episode of “6 feet under”.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]
@stiffinp: No, that is auto-erotic asphyxia.
Laurel
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]
As per choking, I agree with Dan Savage’s advice in his most recent podcast: http://podcasts.thestranger.com/savagelove/archives.php#a045532 . Choking can be really hot, but it’s not safe. (I know I know that’s part of the fun, but seriously. Who wants to end up like David Carradine?) There are other, safer options for breath play.
friskybachelor
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]
Erotic asphyxiation with a partner is far safer than auto-erotic, since you have someone there who can stop if it goes too far and can provide immediate assistance. Passing out with a noose around your neck is a very bad thing if you’re alone… But the whole thing is dangerous, so keep that in mind when you’re playing.
As to the writer - be careful with breasts. They scar very easily compared with other parts of the body. So no whipping or using objects to hit the breasts.
loveitlala
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 07:50 pm: [report]
GamerChick, your brain cells don’t die, it’s just like holding your breath. Now, if you pass out, that’s something else entirely. You may have a stroke due unless the blood begins to return.
Brain cells dying… I remember those rumors in middle school.
nutmeghan
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 08:30 pm: [report]
although i am still a virgin, i agree w/you that playing rough can be quite fun. i don’t know that i would enjoy going quite as far as you have, but you’ve definitely brought up an interesting issue- is there such a thing as going too far, if both parties are willing? i wonder…
ThatWeirdGamerChick
wrote on August 17 2009 @ 11:29 pm: [report]
@loveitlala
“Any activity that deprives the brain of oxygen has the potential to cause moderate to severe brain cell death leading to permanent loss of neurological function ranging from difficulty in concentration or loss of short term memory capacity through severe, lifelong mental disability to death.”
-www.absoluteastronomy.com
“Depriving your brain of oxygen causes permanent brain damage. Like any high, that ecstasy gasper are looking for is the result of brain cells dying.”
-this site, ‘Dr. V’
Holding your breath for too long could cause damage, that
is why the body automatically shuts off (AKA passes out), which will sometimes help a person start breathing again, like if he was holding his breath intentionally.
staramour
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
At first, my comment was just going to be a general “thanks” to Rachel for writing a great article. So, first off, Thanks! I am into rough play & it’s always great to hear it from an articulate woman’s perspective. It helps me find words I don’t always have. I love rough play with my boyfriend, including having his hands around my neck. Breathing, and specifically holding my breath, is part of how I have an orgasm, and it is arousing to let him control it. Breath play is not the only things we do together, but he does everything lovingly, carefully, and respectfully. He is always willing to stop if I find we - or I have asked him - to go too far.
And that’s when I realized reading Coral’s comment made me want to offer this also. I was raped in college and when I first wanted rough play with this boyfriend - and he’s the only one I have been able to explore this with - it was finally MY outlet for wanting a man to be in control and dominate me in a way that RESPECTED what I wanted out of it.
Like the author, I try really hard to keep my act together for the outside world. It is really wonderful to be able to give up some of that control but also know I won’t be taken where I don’t want to go. It takes a whole lot of self awareness and willingness to communicate in a sincere way, but I have to say the dominant play we share is helping me enjoy my best sex life ever. I’ve been out of college for 15 years and worked with 2 really good therapists over what happened to me then. I spoke openly and honestly with the one I see now about the rough play I wanted and it gave me tools to communicate about my needs and desires. Again, any kind of rough play MUST start with good communication and significant self awareness. If it interests you, find the tools you need to explore it in a healthy, wide open way. Articles like this one - and its wonderful commenters - are a great start!
pornqueen
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 08:25 am: [report]
Rachel: You have addressed this topic in such a wonderful and insightful way. It made me laugh and cry at the same time… Great job!
Now, my 2 cents… Rough sex has always been a fantasy of mine. Unfortunately an abusive relationship got in the way and those kinky thoughs were placed in the back burner. Once out of the abuse, just getting someone to have rough sex was a mission. Guys sometimes freak out when I ask them to spank me harder, to pull my hair more, to place their hands around my neck when I’m about to cum, to grab on to my skin or to bite me so hard that it leaves marks. I eventually found someone that will do it just the way I like it but after a lot of trial and error. As the writer stated the feeling of completely losing yourself while in the act cannot be put in words. While in rough sex, you are a 100% there, no drifting whatsoever.
Now I do wanna say that I have limit my spanking to my ass and the choking to be timed with my orgasm. He can’t just start choking, biting, hair pulling, grabbing me while in foreplay because it would not work. It’s hard to explain, it has to be done at the perfect time, with the perfect amount of force or pressure.
Friends seem to be confused because I like it rough after my experience with an abusive bf. There’s no point of comparison. We both enjoy this type of activity, it turns me on, it turns him on. We do it for pleasure. The abuse does not even cross my head at all! Again, very hard to explain and I condone physical, emotional, verbal violence against anyone. For rough sex, both parties need to agree on it and enjoy it, otherwise it becomes abuse. Very thin line, but nevertheless there’s a line.
brandyalexander
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 08:33 am: [report]
@pornqueen: I think you mean condemn, not condone!
I get the rough sex thing, but it makes my partners uncomfortable sometimes. One thing that I really don’t get is the choking thing. I guess its more visceral than logical, but to me it always seemed scary, not kinky, like someone is trying to kill you…
I know that probably doesn’t make sense since I also love being spanked, having hair pulled, ooohhhhhhhhhh and especially being bitten. Yum.
TotallyRidiculous
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 08:41 am: [report]
I think the ability to enjoy rough play is all about trust. It feels good to know that you can just put yourself in someone else’s hands and they will know how far to go. It makes you feel like you can just let go completely. It’s a complete release.
_jsw_
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]
I truly wish I had a partner who would like to try this, as well as the courage on my part to give it a shot. I don’t know if I would like it, but I’d like to at least know one way or the other. Thanks, all, for sharing your stories.
Ginger
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
I wish my current f-buddy would do this. He just flat out called it ‘weird’. But he did try after I told him that I didn’t think it was weird, which was nice.
But he wasn’t comfortable doing it and it’s not his thing so it just didn’t feel right. Consent goes both ways, so I’d feel bad forcing someone who wasn’t into choking to do it to me.
Still, it would be nice if he were into it. At least he’s into/good at other things.
flightless
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
RKB: great article! I was nodding in recognition all through; this is exactly what it’s been like for me too.
@ commenters about choking—the Penny Flame video she mentions does have a whole section on safe vs. unsafe choking methods. I highly recommend the video, if you are at all curious about rough sex. Educational and hot! (And it’s not all male dom/female sub, either.)
That thing about one’s mind not wandering… definitely. It’s impossible for my stock insecurities to come up, either, when someone is so intensely into me that he’s basically mauling my whole body. The kissing and the choking (or hair-pulling, etc.) can be equally intense.
cherilena03
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 05:28 pm: [report]
lol well I love it!!! My man and I love rough sex it burns more calories, keeps you into it, and gets you to the point where you dont care or your not insecure anymore. For some reason when he is choking me while I ride him it gives me a sense of calmness knowing that he is seeing me and watching me, taking it all in I suppose. He is having all of me! LOVE IT!
Dave The Rave
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
I modeled for a friend after my 30th birthday and after she got aroused, I was spanked while over her lap in my “birthday suit” on my bare hiney. The pain was INTENSE!!! She didn’t cause any (physical) harm and teased afterwards that had she known ahead of time, she would have brought her PADDLE! I winced, prompting a few more slaps.
I don’t mind being OTK and getting a mild spanking. However, getting “rough” is something I could never do to a woman. I don’t know my own strength and if aroused I would get like The Incredible Hulk!
But, being submissive to a woman who wants to see me in my “birthday suit” and then spanks my bare ass is a huge turn-on!!! If she were to use a paddle, strap, etc, we would have to use “safe words”.
I tease that since I am in shape there is ‘less of a target’, which prompts a firm slap! “Did I miss?!”
(*wink*)
Think safety first before any BDSM play.
Titania
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]
This blew me away, I identify with it all and I just want to say thanks it’s made me think about lots of things confirmed an number of other things.
lareinedeslames
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
Most sex games involving choking don’t actually deprive the brain of oxygen, gamergirl. If you were to completely close off someone’s windpipe, they’d pass out in very short order, and most couples who safely partake in “breath play” do it over much longer periods of time. The trick is to get the sensation without the reality. If you hold the neck in such a way, a person gets the same rush of adrenaline as if they are actually being choked, but their airway isn’t totally compromised. Their windpipe is partially compressed, but it’s not closed off.
I’ve done breath play with a few different partners, and that has ALWAYS been the case.
I am also very, very glad that posts like this are receiving such a generally positive response. I used to feel like a total freak because I wanted to be whipped and tied up. Nowadays, I just smile at anyone who declaims bdsm as “weird.”
jojo32
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
@ jsw - try hair pulling first. Just a gentle little hair tug while you’re making out. The back of the head hurts the least. Just kinda slide your hand up there and pull it a little, hold her head like that for a few seconds while you kiss her. You will know right away if she’s into it or not. And if not, just say, “sorry”, and it should be no big deal. LOL
As for the story itself…maybe this says something about me…but it got me all kinds of hot. Whew!
Aidra
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 07:01 pm: [report]
I’m all for some slapping and hair pulling. I once knew a guy who was really into S/M stuff but I knew I could never bring myself to date him even though there was major chemistry. Knowing how in to it he was and the experience he had, I was worried if I got involved with him and it turned out it wasn’t my cup of tea that the relationship would be over. I’m not one to deny someone something they enjoy because I’m not interested, and I wouldn’t want to fall hard for someone who I couldn’t fully give myself to.
stevesteve6000
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 01:47 am: [report]
Hi,
My gf and I enjoy rough sex I think. I often slap her ass and pull her hair particularly during doggy. I also slap her bare pussy. But it is kind of weird because she doesnt like it to hurt. ie. i kind of slap her. But I would sometimes really like to slap her ass hard that kind that leaves her ass read. Is this normal. Its almost like muck around rough sex. rather than true rough sex. Please help. Is it weird for me to want her to hurt as i #&@$% her
WayOutThere
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 08:59 pm: [report]
I will never forget the first time a guy spanked me while we got it on. He was incredibly hot to being with, and I was immediately hooked. Over the years I’ve tried to get men to spank me but it’s never been like that first time. As I get older, I hate to think I’m never going to experience that again. How do you bring up rough sex when you’re just getting acquainted with someone?
duhh
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 01:29 am: [report]
I find this very disturbing…......my idea of “rough sex” is anal and maybe holding someone down against thier will playfully or turning them over or doing something unexpected but this is abuse…....and you can say what you want, that is all it is….....
that’s not love….....