First Time For Everything: Dating A Good Guy
Posted by: Natalie Krinsky
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Monday June 16th 2008
I have dated losers of all stripes. Degenerate gamblers, pathological liars, cheaters, guys who can’t get it up, nymphomaniacs, older guys, younger guys, short guys, out of shape guys, steroid-pumping in-shape guys, musicians, baby daddies and waiters. I even had a brief affair with a Voice Over Artist. Yes, in a world where you can’t find a boyfriend, you have sex with a man who reads out loud – for a living.
Totally shockingly, in this vast, impressive portfolio of Y chromosome mediocrity, I have always ended up with the #&@$% end of the stick. The common thread that weaves all these winners together (deep-seeded dysfunction aside) is the complete ambiguity that defined my relationship with each of them. We dated, often for months on end, but was he my boyfriend? I would be plagued with the flogging inner monologue of a quiz show – question after question after question. What was he doing when he wasn’t with me? How come he drinks so much? Why does he smell like Chanel No. 5 when I wear Stella McCartney? And where did all those track marks on his arms come from?
You know, typical pseudo-girlfriend type worries.
I felt like an American tourist in the far reaches of the world that had chugged the drinking water and ate all the locally grown delicacies and now was paying the price in a hotel bathroom.
All the ambivalence and ambiguity, all the years of emotional posturing have left me with a brand of emoting one could only labeled as “arms length.” Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and never let your man-friend within an a hundred foot radius of your heart.
Thus, when I recently met The Good Guy, you can only imagine what a shock it was to my system. I felt like an American tourist in the far reaches of the world that had chugged the drinking water and ate all the locally grown delicacies and now was paying the price in a hotel bathroom. My system was effed. And it didn’t know what to do with itself.
First, he did things like woo me. And compliment me. And call when he was supposed to. And open car doors. And let me order first – off of menus that didn’t have numbers to indicated the kind of meal you wanted. What the f**k? I was used to having a four with a Diet Coke and curly fries. Hold the mayo.
Immediately I was put on Relationship Code Orange. Something had to be up. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Maybe he had two families.
Now mind you I spent a large chunk of my twenties with a man-boy who frequently told me that he admired my independence. At first, I was struck by his confidence – a man who doesn’t mind that I can hold my own! I am woman hear me roar, and #&@$%.
It turns out that he liked my independence because while I was able to navigate a party full of people on my very own, he was able to put himself into a tequila-induced coma while simultaneously hitting on all of my friends.
So when The Good Guy told me the same thing, my guard went up.
But the first time attended a party The Good Guy let the social butterfly in me, flutter on, but stuck by my side, participated in MY conversations added clever asides and placed a reassuring hand on my lower back.
I did what any girl would do – (or just I would do) – and freaked the f**k out.
I called my mother.
“I don’t know what to do with him,” I confided in her, “it’s like having another purse. I have to know where it is and what it’s doing and I can’t lose it. Ever.”
She replied that that’s what having a boyfriend is supposed to be like.
“It is?”
She then told me in her infinite wisdom and Israeli accent that if I kept up this attitude I better get used to the idea of “ending up alone.” Which, when she says it sounds like “hell-one.” How appropriate.
I brushed my mother off as clueless and ill-advised in the ways of modern dating and continued my emotionally stunted behavior that had worked so well in ghosts of pseudo-boyfriends past.
A couple months into our relationship, The Good Guy and I were hanging out with a group of his friends when one of them made the ungodly error of referring to me as The Good Guy’s girlfriend.
“I’m NOT his girlfriend,” I blurted out with all the maturity of a four-year old, making sure to enunciate “not” and “his girlfriend.”
The room grew silent. The Good Guy’s friends all looked at me and then one of them spoke up, as if to admonish on their collective behalf. “Wow,” he said, “that even hurt my feelings.”
I lowered my eyes. I felt shame. Boatloads. Truckloads. Aircraft loads of shame.
Conversation awkwardly resumed. When I gathered the courage to look up again, The Good Guy gave me a look that said “you might want to tell yourself that you’re not my girlfriend, but you are. I’m onto you. So grow up.”
He didn’t even have to say a word. I saw it in the eyebrow raise and the bemused expression.
And I realized that The Good Guy got me. He understood the wild independent streak, the swearing like a sailor, the brazen talk about sex, but he also understood exactly what I needed – which turned out to be a Good Guy with a lot of heart.*
* and patience.
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Kiki T
wrote on June 16 2008 @ 09:08 am: [report]
Girl, you are giving us hope!
Deirdre
wrote on June 16 2008 @ 10:40 am: [report]
Oh my god what a great post! Wow, so there are nice guys out there still!
toyen
wrote on June 16 2008 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
Hilarious. And great.
Amelia
wrote on June 16 2008 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
This is so true. Women need to open themselves to these kind of guys—because they ARE out there.
Elle
wrote on June 16 2008 @ 08:06 pm: [report]
That’s a great post and I’m glad to hear that you found a great guy!
Jess
wrote on June 17 2008 @ 07:44 am: [report]
I met my version of the “good guy” about a month ago and it has been a total shock to the system. The whole cute, charming, engaging, respectful and honest thing is so new to me that I almost don’t know how to act when I’m around him.
I hope that the walls that I put up around my heart will crumble soon enough that I don’t scare him away…
LovesIt
wrote on June 17 2008 @ 08:15 am: [report]
In my experience, the “good guy” is typically one of your close male friends who you’ve never looked at in “that way.” Give it a try! It’s amazing.
Jen
wrote on June 17 2008 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
I understand completely how you felt. When I met my “good guy” I was immediately afraid that I would never be good enough. It was quite surreal to date a “good guy” since every little girl’s dream involves meeting that guy.
Gulian
wrote on June 19 2008 @ 05:48 pm: [report]
The first step to finding a good person, cease building your great expectations so high..good relations should be transcended together. Some are happier being alone..but I think it makes you old with grumpy Sweetfarts. Cheer up. Let the love of life get the best of you, at least you were’nt born with HIV under a bush in Somalia .Meeting people should be immediate, letting your guard down sometimes could take time. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing in the grand scale of things though..
OntheFence
wrote on June 22 2008 @ 07:43 pm: [report]
I too recently met a version of the “Good Guy”. I told my guy friends about him and they’ve almost got me convinced that he may be a nice guy and that he may be into nice guys too. The “Good Guy” made me brownies (from scratch) on the first date! He’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met. A complete gentleman and the complete opposite of every guy I’ve ever dated. But ever since I told my guy friends about him, I have my gaydar on at all times. I’m driving myself insane!!
gigi
wrote on June 23 2008 @ 02:47 am: [report]
It’s too bad that you’re going to wind up crushing him if you let it go on too much longer. Then he might turn into jelly-bean-Bob!?
amazed81
wrote on July 2 2008 @ 10:29 am: [report]
i understand what you went through as well, i dated my fair share of bums and slums, and i would go out with one here and there and if i felt like i was being crowded or fear of being hurt i would run or find some excuse i always had an excuse to not get into one, its not the right time, or i would find something totally annoying that i convinced myself that i couldn’t ignore, but about almost 2 years ago i met the “good guy” i didnt realize it at first but after about 4 or so months and a couple of embarrassing moments which i am not getting in to, we got together which i think is the best thing that has ever happened we have now been going on strong for about 15 months, and each day that goes by i keep thinking something is gonna happen i keep waiting for me to freak out or for him to get scared and find some reason not to be with me anymore, but it hasnt happened yet. each day he amazes me with something, he has put my faith back in men again ok well atleast one man lol anyways, it may take a while to find that good man but hey you gotta kiss a lot of toads to get the prince right, it will happen eventually i cant really explain it, heck i was single for 5 years, my longest relationship before this one was 7 months. but they never seemed right, and this one feels right.
i still sometimes catch my self waiting for that other shoe to drop, but hey we can deal
so good luck and hope that you all forgive me for going on like this
ellegant
wrote on July 9 2008 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
As a fellow dater of complete losers and constantly getting the #### end of the stick (for a year now!!), this post gives me hope. I just hope he gets to me as your good guy did to you. I’d hate to scare him away and not even realize it.
Best of luck to you and your Good Guy!
laura
wrote on July 10 2008 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
thanks for this post. LOVE it!!
Loverly
wrote on July 14 2008 @ 11:09 am: [report]
It’s not all happy happy. I didn’t know it, but I have some serious commitment issues and the “good guy” triggered a much more crazy freakout in me. I couldn’t figure out why I was being so much of a jerk to such a really awesome guy.
Eventually, I cheated on him and left “clues” for him to find. We broke up soon after, but I never got what the hell happened to me. I found a blog post about rebound relationships (http://www.dating-relationship-advice-for-women.com/rebound-relationships.html) and finally understood, I’ve always done this in some form or another. I threw away a good man because I freaked out like I always do.
We’re back together after a couple months of torturing him and myself and I’ve learned to “just breathe” when I feel smothered and realize this guy really does love me and he’s the best thing I’ve ever known.
bunnymatic
wrote on July 23 2008 @ 10:54 am: [report]
this literally bought tears to my eyes. thank you for posting this, it’s given me a lot of faith that i couldn’t find in friends, family or the vast array of women’s magazines out there!! :]
talltexan
wrote on July 28 2008 @ 06:44 pm: [report]
Well I must say from a good guy’s perspective you do sound like quite a catch. I think your boyfriend is lucky to have found somebody who loves life as you do. I think you two will probably wind up spending the rest of your days together, if you’re lucky!
Best of luck and remember, you only live once but if you do it right once is enough!
ClatieK
wrote on July 28 2008 @ 07:23 pm: [report]
Thank God for patience! And therapy.
Alabama
wrote on July 28 2008 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
Hear, hear!
Kat
wrote on July 30 2008 @ 10:33 am: [report]
This article makes me feel so much better about my mini-freakout. Well, it was a mini-freakout as far as the “Good Guy” is concerned, although my friends have been listening to me fret about this since we started dating. I’m going to do my best not to judge him by the same codes set by all the “Bad Guys” of my past. I really hope it isn’t too late already…
Some Guy
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 10:27 am: [report]
You’re not good enough for him.
I hope he figures that out and moves on before you really hurt him.