Feature: To Settle Or Not To Settle?
Posted by: Natalie Krinsky | Filed in: Relationships
12:30PM, Tuesday August 05th 2008
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There is that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary, where, Bridge (as she’s called) lies on her couch, pajama-clad, bottle of vodka clutched tightly in hand bemoaning the fate of an untimely death for a single person. She worries that if she were to die, alone in her apartment, it is likely that someone may find her decomposing body three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian.
I too fear the fate of an untimely “single” death. I imagine my distraught mother, overcome with grief, forced to go through my things. Her sadness only magnified as she discovers the true, mind-blowing total of my credit card debt, and then the small stash of “emergency” illicit prescription drugs in my bedside table. I can see her coming to the realization that I’m not the daughter she imagined, but her image of me will truly be shattered when she opens the drawer that I use to store both my vibrators and my financial statements. I can just see the horror pass over her face, as she realizes that her daughter was not only a bit too sexually adventurous, but also was unfamiliar with exactly what a 401K is.
I overlooked all I could, but sadly, I overlooked how I really felt—which was bored and uninspired.
What my filing system says about both my sex life and my financial health will not be addressed here, but ending up alone, will. A few months ago, Lori Gottlieb penned the controversial, (almost apocalyptic) article in the Atlantic Monthly entitled “Marry Him!”, in which she implored women everywhere to forgo deep, passionate connections in favor of companionship. In other words, overlook halitosis for companionship.
Her doom and gloom outlook spawned outrage in many. But it got me to thinking, perhaps what she was saying was that things that we crave as we get older, change. And the things that seemed so far away in our twenties (like marriage and child-bearing and rearing) become realities in our thirties. So the question remains, do we break up with guys in our twenties for reasons that we would be comfortable overlooking in our thirties? Are we just too superficial, too myopic in our twenties to realize that companionship trumps bad shoes or a lack of an adventurous streak?
Interestingly, I recently found myself attempting to “overlook” a great deal in a man. I, at the ripe old age of 25, have now been single for three years, and when a guy came along whom I wouldn’t normally consider dating, I figured, perhaps I had been doing something wrong all along. I was going to throw caution to the wind and date (let’s call him) Hal.
I wasn’t super attracted to Hal, but no matter! At least I wasn’t physically repulsed. I’m adventurous and like the outdoors. Hal didn’t. In fact, the outdoors spawned complaining. A lot of it. I hoped that financial success would one day allow me to travel the world, learn languages, see great things. Hal, on the other hand, just wanted a pool. To be fair, he knew what kind of pool (kidney shaped, dark bottom). But point is, his dreams were dug firmly into the ground while mine flitted about somewhere between earth and outer space.
I overlooked all I could, but sadly, I overlooked how I really felt—which was bored and uninspired.
I found other friends of mine (also in their twenties) recently overlooking as well. One girlfriend dated a guy whose (unsavory) reputation preceded him. Another dated a guy who she knew was really just a friend, but tried to overlook the lack of chemistry.
It all brings me back to Lori Gottlieb’s mantra—“Marry him!”—but at what cost? When does compromise and understanding turn into settling?
Do you want the vows on your wedding day to read: “Being with you is better than being alone?” I mean, do you really want to close your eyes during sex, not by choice, but because you’re unattracted?
I’d like to posit a new theory—perhaps naive, and perhaps too optimistic. But maybe we date men in our twenties that we just wouldn’t consider in our thirties. Maybe in our thirties we no longer believe that we can change the a-hole, or reform the philanderer. Maybe by our thirties, we know ourselves well enough not to date the guys we would in our twenties. Maybe by then, we can see past the halitosis to a good heart. Moreover, I’d like to continue to believe that passion can turn into companionship, and we don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.
Of course, the real question that I continue to struggle with, is not when to get rid of someone, but rather, when to keep him. And that, my friends, seems to be the most difficult one of all to answer.
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atlgirl
[report]wrote on August 05 2008 @ 12:51 pm:
This is a great topic. As someone well out of her 20s, I think you’re exactly right, the 20s, and sometimes the 30s are for trying people on. That said, I saw several friends rush to the altar around 28 or 29, and you can hear that “settling” tone in their voices. Having myself temporarily settled on numerous occasions (you know that sinking feeling, when you search for that positive attribute like, “But he’s got a great job,” or “but he’s got great legs,” or “but he’s a really great musician"), I can only say that I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I met the right person, and I was really glad I didn’t have to divorce to pursue it. And when that happens, you never have to ask yourself if you’re settling because you probably are getting something better than you ever imagined for yourself.
And, as an aside, I wonder how much of this settling talk has to do with female self-esteem issues in our culture. Most guys I know believe they deserve the total package.
Kiki T
[report]wrote on August 05 2008 @ 12:57 pm:
Amen sister!!! so have been through the same questions, situations and yes, the question remains: what is worth fighting for versus am I convincing myself to care?
...and down with Lori Gottlieb!!!! She sounds like one scary bitch… the type of woman that validates herself by being with someone, because god knows being with the wrong person feels a hell of a lot lonelier than actually being alone.
Simosa
[report]wrote on August 05 2008 @ 01:49 pm:
What a great post! I talk about this with the girls all the time. As a single (in a relationship but not married) 38 year old woman - I can emphatically tell all of you in your 20s - DO NOT SETTLE. There is not one man I passed up in my 20s that I long for (okay - sometimes - but only for moments at a time and then those moments pass quickly).
It’s one thing to reconsider passing up a guy who has bad breath, foot fungus or bad style (these things can be cured/fixed). It’s quite another to settle with someone who squelches your zeal to travel the world - especially if that zeal is the very essence of who you are.
If companionship is what you’re seeking - it can be found in many places. But the freedom you lose by settling will take the light from your life - and finding that again once you’ve lost it is expensive (therapy), time consuming and painful.
The most important thing you can do in your 20s is to DATE DATE DATE DATE DATE DATE like a maniac. Fall in love again and again - even if it’s just for 20 minutes and it’s over and your heart is splattered across the floor. Pick up the pieces and fall in love with someone else quickly (in fact - everyone should fall in love at least 4 times a day).
Dating a lot helps you learn what works for you. Don’t prioritize meeting the right person. Do prioritize learning who you are and what type of relationship brings out the best in you.
lilo
[report]wrote on August 05 2008 @ 02:15 pm:
One element to this “settling” thing is the infamous biological clock. In these instances, I know some women who choose a “good enough” spouse because they have their eye on the true prize: a baby.
Jess
[report]wrote on August 06 2008 @ 10:49 am:
I couldn’t agree with the above post more; there is nothing more lonely than being with someone who doesn’t “get” you. I’d rather be single and get my companionship from my friends and family who do get it.
Catherinette Singleton
[report]wrote on August 07 2008 @ 09:14 am:
Honey, I’m here to tell you that nothing changes when you’re in your 30’s. I’m 34 now, single(ish), and have the same questions that you have.
The only thing that changed for me is I that my idea of being eaten by wild dogs has turned into being eaten by the cats swarming my dirty apartment.
jbean
[report]wrote on August 17 2008 @ 09:20 am:
There is nothing worse than settling out of comfort. I was in a relationship that began at 19 and ensued on and off for 12 years. I finally woke up at 31 and realized I had a ring on my finger that didn’t belong there. It wasn’t easy deciding to walk away but I knew it was the right decision when I had little to no remorse. Since then, I have been dating on and off and refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Granted its been almost two years now and I have yet to settle down. It feels empowering to know that I control my future and who gets to be a part of it. I still want the same things but believe that when its right it will happen. In the mean time, I’m going to live up my 30’s as if they were my 20’s.
Shelby
[report]wrote on September 19 2008 @ 03:51 pm:
I just want to add that settling is NEVER worth it..In my 20’s I settled...It didn’t last....Tried it again at 30...Settled again because I thought he was a Christian...He turned out to be Anti-Christian!....So 3 kids later...I find we should never, ever settle fore anyone or anything because “The Price is always toooo...HIGH!” And you have to re-define yourself, your freedom, your independence all over again....No One Is Worth Compromising Who You Are...If he’s not meant for you, he won’t understand you....Your desires may not be as important to him as they are to you....Then you start to add-up the costs of settling for him.....