Feature: Leave It To My Beaver
Posted by: Cara "Tipsy" Russell | Filed in: News & Culture
12:00PM, Wednesday May 07th 2008
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I’ve always been a late bloomer, so it wasn’t until my late 20s that it occurred to me to groom my somewhat pronounced Black Irish eyebrows. And it was only natural that my carpet was mostly natural; I did minimal trimming to reign in my coordinating pronounced downtown region. I believe SNL’s Amy Poehler on “Weekend Update” compared this old school size of pubic-hair real estate to a slice of New York City pizza, which would not be altogether off the mark in describing my zone’s unaltered state. My reasons were numerous, though I’d never had to give them.
I don’t feel the need to touch girl boobies in public for the edification of any watching spring-breakers, and by the same token I don’t feel the need for my birth canal to be as fully on-display as a porn star’s.
Thanks to today’s young starlets, everyone from Tibetan monks to old New Englanders sitting around the cracker barrel knows that it is in vogue for women to wax off all their pubes. But to me, a bald bush on a grown woman is ridiculous and unattractive, a cultural byproduct of an increasingly pornified America. Its implication is disturbing—why is it supposed to be desirable for a woman’s privates to look like a prepubescent child’s? I don’t feel the need to touch girl boobies in public for the edification of any watching spring-breakers, and by the same token I don’t feel the need for my birth canal to be as fully on-display as a porn star’s. I’m a vintage-loving gal who doesn’t share the modern (and to me, cheesy) aesthetic of women who have year-round tans and stripey highlights in their flat-ironed hair, so I don’t think our vaginas need to match, either. I don’t want my man to be manscaped, so I don’t think that I should be so artificially hairless, either. And so on.
During a boozy discussion about this with some lady friends, they were all pondering what style of pubic maintenance guys preferred: landing strip, Hitler ’stache, etc. Finally I came out with, “You know what men like? VAGINAS,” which was met with a chorus of appreciative cackles. Yes: we all had vaginas. We at least had that dude preference taken care of. End of story, until more recently.
Against my better judgment, and already knowing he was trouble from past experience, I became involved with a very flirty friend who had a decidedly different definition of friendship than I had. His version involved him whipping out his schlong at the first sign of make out. But mind you—we weren’t anything other than friends, “hanging out,” according to him, because he’d been hiding behind an “I’m so damaged from that one terrible relationship” excuse for years rather than facing his issues and moving on.
He once referred to the Beav as “That 70’s Show,” which, I had to hand it to him, was very funny, and for that, I forgave him what may have been a slight to my lady parts. But I didn’t yet realize the sentiment behind that remark. Finally after another not-very-satisfying hookup session led by him, I asked why he didn’t do…everything. He got mad, told me that he didn’t like the amount of hair I had going on downstairs, and that he’s just not attracted to that. (But you know, “that” was suitable for him to use in ways that pleased him.) I was aghast that he’d say this outright, in such an indignant manner, and right after we’d had sex, no less. Imagine if I’d said something equivalent about his johnson—he’d have to tack on years of therapy to those sessions he was already avoiding.
Whereas my younger self would have taken it personally, I knew that I was still awesome, that I didn’t need to deal with his damage anymore, and that I was going to be OK. As I drove away from the scene of the crime, I had to put on Sinatra’s “That’s Life.” When it was over, I rewound the cassette and listened to the song again. I could almost physically feel myself rising above the drama and learning from my mistakes, in real time. It felt like a reward of age and experience, after years of dating up the wrong trees. My attitude was good, considering I’d just departed from the biggest sexual insult I’d ever received. Maybe some part of me already sensed I was about to meet the guy I’d been looking for.
The next day, while blasting some good old cathartic Bikini Kill, I filled my BFF in on the hairy situation. “Ew! Nice attitude for someone who is supposedly so progressive,” she said. She wanted to post a comment to his MySpace profile asking him why a vegan guy hated beavers so much, and I still kinda wish I’d let her.
Shortly thereafter, I met my boyfriend, and we enjoyed those intoxicating first weeks together. At some naked point, he tactfully requested what about maybe getting a new ’do for my pubes, so he could see more of me? I absolutely would not go bald…but said I’d consider some other configuration. Not a token landing strip, either, because: gross. Not my style. I happen to like That ’70s Show, but we are in love, so I would consider a compromise. My boyfriend, a onetime landscaper and future landscape architect, sketched out an updated design by positioning his hands.
I decided to surprise him when we went away on our first weekend trip. I went to a salon to get waxed, not knowing what to expect. I tried to remember what my friends had told me about the process, and was under the impression there’d at least be some sort of little paper thong for modesty’s sake. No such luck! Nothing came between me and my waxer, who was from Argentina, and was thankfully quite chipper, considering her task.
I was left with a mini bush, so flat and trim and the rest so bald, that it felt alien. But my surprise went over extremely well, and I was richly rewarded that weekend. Totally worth it! And though my hairdid took some adjusting to, it actually fit quite neatly beneath my smallest undies, with no need for maintenance between sessions.
In my short career of waxing my special lady area, I have already learned one valuable lesson: when you are from a family that is pretty well hung up about sexual matters (see the “Irish American” part above), don’t get waxed by an Indian, i.e., someone from a non-Western culture that may be somewhat uncool with extramarital sexuality (though they’re still way more sexually evolved than your own ancestors). The Argentinan gal was all like, hell, do it all—where the sun don’t shine, and behind where the sun don’t shine! I was lucky I escaped with any hair left on my body. With the Indian gal, who clearly did not relish her duty and went through the steps as quickly as possible, the best I could do was not to make eye contact on my way out, and hope I could one day return to that salon for eyebrow threading without us recognizing each other.
Super flirty “friend” guy eventually broke the silence some weeks after our fallout, saying he felt terrible about the whole thing. I’d been living in love-land myself, so I wasn’t feeling terrible, and I decided to be big about it. He and I are buds again, although definitely not the genitalia-touching kind, and no longer the MySpace-top-24 kind. I almost wanted to tell him what I had done for the right person who approached the topic in the right way. But that’s none of his beav-wax.
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Kiki T
wrote on May 07 2008: [report]
I’ve discussed this topic with gal pals too--and yes, it’s gross when I guy wants it bald. To me, that is just soooo pedophilic! My belief is if a guy is scared of bush, he isn’t a man!!!!!!!
teets
wrote on May 07 2008: [report]
I am so, so surprised by all the anti-baldies out there! I first put myself through a Brazilian when I moved to NYC and felt that I had to see what all the fuss was about at the J.Sisters salon. Not sure what it was, but I went bald (for myself) and suddenly, I never looked back (except when it’s winter and I’m lazy). Anyway, I would consider most of my girlfriends modern, hip, devout Us Weekly readers, but when it comes to the landing strip, they all seem to prefer some to none and are creeped out by my lack of a bush. My husband, however, doesn’t really ever comment. Fascinating.
dangerousdebbie
wrote on May 07 2008: [report]
yeah i never really thought of the pedophile aspect of it. i went bare almost two years ago, and i don’t think i’ll ever go back. i just feel like it gets in the way. for me, it’s not really a matter of his preference. it’s all about me and how i feel about my own hair.
Amelia
wrote on May 08 2008: [report]
I’m with with you dangerousdebbie. I’m not much for excess hair, personally. I’m always swiffering it away in my bathroom, so I definitely don’t want much excess hair on my body. That said, bald weirds me out. I would feel too chidlike.
notaslacker
wrote on May 08 2008: [report]
i’ve been manscaping for quite a while now, and i always just thought of it as part of general upkeep:
taken a shower--check
q-tipped my ears--check
now what...oh yeah, time to trim the pubes.
Elle
wrote on May 08 2008: [report]
I agree with Kiki, dudes who are into bald vagina’s probably have conscious or subconscious pedophilic tendencies. I’m not one for the crazy jungle look either. I think as long as you keep it trim and shave/wax certain areas, then you can’t go wrong. Plus, the upkeep on a bald punani is just annoying.
Amelia
wrote on May 08 2008: [report]
I can barely manage to shower every other day let alone maintain a perfectly bald mons pubis.
San
wrote on May 09 2008: [report]
Nah nah nah, no brazilian bald thingy for me. I understand some trimmering, but those little hairs are there for something and I am keeping them! I think I would feel naked without them… LOL
Also, for me waxing is one of the monthly nightmares that I have to go through just because I am a girl, so I don’t need to take it to the extreme. And having read this story about a failed DIY brazilian
http://www.uglydoggy.com/2007/03/i-have-to-share-this-one.html
I wouldn’t even try!
roseyjosie
wrote on May 09 2008: [report]
I went bald once and it will NEVER happen again! The upkeep is too much, and if you’re going to do it you have to keep at it. The growing out phase is not such a good time...lol:)
The Hitler stache is the most disturbing to me. Like the vajayjay version of a mullet, business in front-party in the back. I don’t get it’s appeal...?
atlgirl
wrote on May 10 2008: [report]
Everything old is new again. I guarantee you all the “baldies” will be sporting beards in the next year or two.
Emilie
wrote on May 12 2008: [report]
i don’t think it’s necessarily a pedophile thing. it’s just cleaner in my opinion. besides, I don’t want my guy feeling like he’s going to make out with a bearded man.
Housebroken
wrote on May 12 2008: [report]
Bald, trimmed or whatever. Pubic fashion is a personal decision. It really is ridiculous that I just said “pubic fashion.”
-- Get some floss, folks!
atlgirl
wrote on May 14 2008: [report]
I just heard a new expression for long hair down there: “muffstache.”
Amelia
wrote on May 14 2008: [report]
That just made me so happy. MUFFSTACHE!!!
skingal
wrote on June 19 2008: [report]
As an esthetician, I see all shapes, sizes and ‘do’s’. Every client has their own preference, as to what is practical and/or sexy. I call it a ‘clitler’ when I leave a little above the labia. ‘Muffstache’—I now have a new word in my pubic dictionary! Love it! I just don’t get it when someone wants a bikini wax, but then has total bush in the middle...really - what’s the point?!? I have now started ‘manscapings’ and ‘boyzilians’. Very popular, actually.
Amelia
wrote on June 19 2008: [report]
CLITLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Rachel Kramer Bussel
wrote on June 19 2008: [report]
I also don’t see why if you’re pro-pubes you have to be so outrageously anti-those who wax. The pedophile idea imo is way off base. I prefer waxing and I go to Eve in NYC, after trying lots of other places that took forever and hurt way more. I feel sexier and just better after I’ve gotten waxed, and since I’m single, it’s not about pleasing anyone else but me. In fact, I think I probably care more than most of the people I’ve been with; I feel sexier and actually feel uncomfortable when I’m too hairy down there.
Can’t we say to each her own?
Amelia
wrote on June 19 2008: [report]
@Rachel Kramer Bussel I totally agree to each her own. I just get icked out by dudes who realllllllly are into the bald look.
squiggy
wrote on June 21 2008: [report]
Well if you ask me it is all in the preference, but you are right about the bald look. I was wondering why I never liked that look on a womans vagina and it was so obvious it was a sin. I do not want to have sex with a child and that is exactly what it looks like Yes ladies please keep some hair and Amelia this article really fascinated you, I have seen four comments from you, way to latch on to something gal, just kidding, take care
Tyler Durden
wrote on July 12 2008: [report]
It’s not that being bald makes a woman look like a “girl.” Having excessive hair covers a woman’s parts, and men are visually stimulated. Also, excessive hair can be a choking hazard. I’m sure acting like a cat coughing up a hair ball doesn’t do anything for the mood.
Elle
wrote on July 12 2008: [report]
That fur ball thing goes both ways Tyler.
dave vinson
wrote on July 22 2008: [report]
as a guy, it’s a more pleasant experience in cunnilingus without hair. it also seems to reduce the odor a little as hair holds odor. i prefer a clean set of lips, upper can have a landing strip or not, just so the hole thing is lickable.
hvck
wrote on July 24 2008: [report]
My wife is Italian and as such is quite hirsitus. And let me tell you that that Mediterranean hair is not only abundant, it is also VERY rigid. For 16 years we had a pretty satisfying sex life, but I must say that if we went very long or had multiple sessions I would end up quite red and abrased for 24-48 hrs (ever tried to have sex with a Brillo pad?). We were curious to try something new and so she went to get a full wax.
Talk about the sun breaking through the storm clouds....
We are NEVER going back to unwaxed. Sex is completely different for both of us, not because of the novelty (four years have now passed) but because IT FEELS GREAT. And cunnilingus is also MUCH more emjoyable for both. Pedophilia has NOTHING to do with it!