Fantasies We Hope Never Come True
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
sex
2:30PM, Wednesday January 21st 2009
In a recent article from “Men’s Health” a female writer decides to speak for her gender and tell the mostly male readers what women wish they’d do to get them off. Of the 18 fantasies she lists, I concur with six…well, maybe six and a half. The others are just so off-the-mark and absurd, I worry about men incorporating these fantasies into their sexual routines and turning off women so dramatically that all sex becomes just a fantasy. After the jump, a few of the “women’s fantasies” that are especially ridiculous.
#4 Ask me to perform yoga poses naked: I’ve been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I’ll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you’ll especially like the views when I’m in camel pose and standing bow.
Being trampled by wild horses while wearing my favorite Frye ankle boots would be less painful than folding myself into unflattering naked yoga poses in front of my boyfriend. Can anyone imagine anything less sexy that the thought of sticking your bare ass in your boyfriend’s face while stretching into a naked downward dog? Besides, I’m done exercising for the day.
#5 Slide your hand up my skirt when you’re following me upstairs.
Yeah, and why don’t you yank one of my pigtails and snap my bra while you’re at it, Mr. Annoying.
#14 Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They’ll think we have a smokin’ sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.
No, other women won’t wish they had a guy like you, they’ll feel utterly relieved they’ve been mercifully spared from tacky sleazeballs like you and they’ll feel pretty sorry for me that I don’t have enough self-respect to find someone who doesn’t lick my tonsils in front of his colleagues. Also, I don’t care what other people think of my sex life — smokin’ or not — and anyone who does care what others think just comes across as insecure and desperate.
#15 Get me drunk on champagne, prop me up on the hood of your car, and eat me like an apple.
Ladies, a show of hands, please. Who among you would actually like your guy to get you drunk, prop you on an effing car and eat you like a piece of fruit one crunches into? Also, wasn’t this scene stolen directly from an old Skinemax flick?
#16 Reward me for folding your T-shirts and cleaning the drain by making one long night of sex all about me. Light a candle. Rub massage oil on my body, back and front, shoulders to toes. Next, bring me close to orgasm using just your hands. Then your tongue. Then pull me on top so I can orchestrate the finale myself.
Oh man, first I have to fold your laundry, then I get stuck cleaning the drain, and then I’ve got to screw you all night long? Here’s an idea — you fold your own laundry, I’ll fold my own laundry and we’ll screw for an hour before we go out for Thai food and bowling. And how about we both orchestrate the finale?
#17 Watch me shave my legs. Offer to help me shave other places.
Remember how I didn’t think it was such a good idea that I fold myself into naked yoga poses in front of my boyfriend? Well, add soap, water and a razor and I still think it’s a bad idea. Shaving legs is awkward business! And how many other places do women shave besides our legs, anyway? There’s a reason there aren’t many scenes in movies of men shaving their love interests’ armpits. It’s not hot. Ditto on the bikini line. The thought of you coming anywhere near my hooha with a razor just makes cringe with anxiety.
One fantasy suggested in the Men’s Health article that I can totally embrace is this:
#13 Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.
I’m not so sure about chewing the buttons off, but there’s nothing like a man in some snug boxer briefs to get me all wound up. As long as he doesn’t ask me to strike a naked warrior pose.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Holly Page
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]
Yoga poses? Eat me “like an apple” (is that a sexy fruit to eat?)? Pity the poor readers at Men’s Health. “More backrubs” would have sufficed.
lalaland
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:00 pm: [report]
Why is it that women who write for men’s publications always seem a bit out of touch?
And I do not want anyone treating my body parts like an apple… sounds very unpleasant to me!
TinaLish
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
Haha this was an awesome post. What is wrong with that lady? I mean I get the whole ‘fantasies’ idea thing, but where is it? These sound more like really bad plots for pornos.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I can be slightly freaky, but this stuff is just ridiculous.
Tamara
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
#17 Watch me shave my legs. Yeah we did that one just recently, he was shampooing his hair, I was shaving and we were talking about our parents and when we should get together with them. That’s not sexy, that’s saving money on the water bill by showering together.
Perceptible
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
ROFL! The only thing funnier than these suggestions are Wendy’s comments. Thanks, you have no idea how badly I needed a laugh today!
Although, will I have to turn in my feminist card if I admit that I think it’s kind of sexy when my bf slides his hand up my skirt when he’s following me up the stairs? At home, in private, of course.
joyy
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
Yeah, doesn’t one usually BITE into an apple? Ouch. The hand-up-skirt thing sound like it could work as long as the situation is discrete enough that you don’t end up looking like “that girl whose #&@$% bf has no manners.”
And I continue to be thankful that my boyfriend does his own laundry and has NEVER asked me to take on this task. Our stuff gets mixed up on occasion - but I don’t want to date a man who can’t handle doing his own laundry.
Sounds like the author needs to find a real man and not a man-child?
writergirl
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
THe woman who wrote the original article…can she? If so, no wonder why men have no clue!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
Two words come to mind, “Male editor”.
Provocative Girl
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]
ok, are we in high school again???? that stuff is a little too weird for me
Alison Wonderland
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]
The only person who ever made eating apples sexy was LL Cool J in the ‘Doin It’ video.
robf
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
robf is relieved that most of the “fantasies” listed above are absurd, because he ain’t going for them.
Except the gray boxers. My underwear drawer is almost strictly gray boxers (maybe not “snug”, not even sure what that means). Whatcha got against comfy gray boxers, anyhow?
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 04:13 pm: [report]
Yea the hand up the skirt might work as long as she doesnt trip and fall and come touble back down mid move lol. Also if I had to submit a fruit analogy I would saw kiwi slice, draw your own conclusions
....I personally think one of the sexier that I enjoy is to wash a womans hair and just have her relax, while both in the shower. Ice cube body painting is nice 
Jennie G.
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 07:26 pm: [report]
K…hand up the skirt is totally hot. But other than that, the author sounds a little eccentric. Yikes!
Chelle
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 07:34 pm: [report]
Maybe they should’ve taken a poll to decide which fantasies to put on the website. One women can’t say her personal fantasies are all women’s fantasies. I like #16 (hey, he folds my laundry too sometimes and usually does his himself). To me that’s the ultimate “thank you” for doing him a favor. @EastCoastMale-You’ve got the right idea with the hair-washing thing. If my boyfriend did that I’d melt. The ice cubes sound unpleasant though.
jojo
wrote on January 21 2009 @ 07:50 pm: [report]
@Chelle- yes dear, ice or a tall glass of ice water can be utilized by BOTH parties involved…
@EastCoastMale- absolutely, wonderful fruit, and sliced…you are sooooo on!
hawaiianpeach
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 02:32 am: [report]
A man wrote this…
thegr8brownie
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 07:23 am: [report]
hmmm. I thought those were all cool sugestions actually. And they all made sense to me, and I can honestly say I think my GF would like most of that stuff.
But we are in the “I love you so much, lets have lots of crazy sex stage”, so maybe that has something to do with it.
All im saying, is imagine a perfect guy is doing these things, not your guy, and i think they become more appealing.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 08:00 am: [report]
@chelle
Yeah the hairwashing for her has always been a favorite of mine when with a partner. Little things that are half pampering and half sensual have a certain appeal in my opinion, I like being turned on but it does even more if I know she appreciates it.The ice cubes arent for everyone because they think they cant stand the sensation but if used gradually in time it may be not all that bad to some people.
@jojo
I agree about the ice personally, I never am thirsty lets put it that way. 
I thought so, kiwi is so delicious and sliced just makes it….well I’ll let you draw the mental analogy.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]
@the gr8brownie It’s funny that the one commenter who thinks all these “female” fantasies are “cool” happens to be male.
Lynn
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
I have never understood the shaving thing. Some women have tried to tell me that their guys love it because it’s like they’re slowly “revealing” their favorite bits, and an ex even asked me once if I wanted him to do that, but I cannot wrap my head around the idea of that being sexy. In my book it’s hygiene, not foreplay. That’s no more sexy than the idea of my guy brushing my tongue or putting in my tampon.
@thegr8brownie - if he was the “perfect” guy then he probably wouldn’t be suggesting half this crap in the first place
Humble Bee
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
I agree that these are tips for High School boys. I will push him off the stairs if he ever put his hand up my skirt. I love taking showers together but shaving? That’s just gross. That’s like saying, “let me help you shave your balls” The tounge tip was so stupid, are we not mature adults that can save PDA for when your inside your house??
Alison Wonderland
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
Plus, has anyone watched an episode of Queer Eye where at the end they show the straight guy getting ready and he’s frantically shaving (too fast, tiny strokes, wrong direction) and the Fab Five all Gasp! in disapproving horror?
Yeah, I’d prefer not to give that guy the opportunity to cut the #&@$% out of my legs with his awful shaving method.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
Alison,
I do see your point though, if you didnt mean that last paragraph that way then accept my apology in advance.
assuming all guys cant shave delicately? I know shins, back of the knees and all that are super sensitive, way more than our face but we arent all cavemen.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
I just mean THAT guy. I know some guys know the benefits of taking their time when they shave. But my luck, yeah, I’d get the one that doesn’t. Haha.
SeattleMama
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]
#16- for reals? Either that was a typo, or the author has some service-submissive fantasies she needs to address before insinuating that I need to do anything to earn his affections? Or maybe I’m just spoiled.
And “eat me like an apple”? Please stop this woman before some chick gets her clit chewed off by some moron who took the article too literally. Apples crunch, my pussy doesn’t.
atlgirl
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 03:30 pm: [report]
this is hysterical! the hand up the skirt thing could be okay IF part of the fantasy is that no one sees it.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]
@Alison
ahh in that case I can definitely see your point. Like a little kid wanting a paintbrush for the first time, he would be enthusiastic and want approval but not know what the hell they are doing lol
@Seattle
While trying to avoid turning my post into a penthouse forum letter, I think you are right in that she has several tips that definitely suggest a wanting for or knowledge of D/s in relationships. Being put up on a hood and being rewarded suggest something to me that is definitely D/s, but to each their own.
@atl
Good point, some people Im sure has been at a crowded party and you and another go to “organize the coats” and get a frisky grab on the bottom or smack on the ass. Same goes for being at a dinner party possibly or visiting where you have to bottle up your friskiness and only let it out on a quick stair chase with a playfulness from both sides.
Tivi Jones
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]
Wendy, although parts of these “fantasies” sound appealing to me, this article cracked me up! Your voice is amazing!
and yes, boxer briefs are niiiiice.
benglish320
wrote on January 22 2009 @ 05:41 pm: [report]
I would NEVER want to watch my girlfriend shaving her legs. That’s just waaaaaay to creepy. If she said she liked to watch me shaving my face because it got her excited, that’s something we would need to talk about.
I am a big believer in boxer-briefs too, because I wear them every day. The offer better support than boxers and don’t constrict like briefs. Fantastically comfortable.
One Big Voice
wrote on January 23 2009 @ 02:56 pm: [report]
RE: Shaving ... I agree that watching a woman shave her legs is not particularly erotic (what’s next, watching you pluck your brows or trim your nails? Oh yeah, real hot.) , but as for the “offering to help shave other places” part, that can definitely be sexy—but of course you would totally have to trust someone before letting them near your naughty bits with a razor. In other words, not a good idea if your lover is the type who is always spilling drinks or gets into a lot of fender-benders.
@hawaiianpeach : yeah, I would bet money a man wrote that original article! “Folding your t-shirts and cleaning the drain?” Apparently the author didn’t get the memo about the sexual revolution. Also, I don’t think that’s a very good exchange—a session of sex devoted entirely to the woman for some light housekeeping? How about just taking turns? One night it’s all about her pleasure, a different day it’s all about his ... but most of the time it should be about mutual enjoyment.
wittybitch
wrote on January 23 2009 @ 10:03 pm: [report]
In reference to #16, nothin is scarier than a woman who ALMOST came, she’s very angry. In what world would I fantasize (which last time I checked, a fantasy is supposed to be better than reality) about 1)doing laundry 2) doing laundry for someone else, 3)getting pushed to the very brink of orgasm only to have him not be able to close the deal and make me finish myself?! PS: Bringing me close to orgasm using only his hands? I’m sorry, this isn’t 9th grade, lets stop with the fingering shall we?
SeattleMama
wrote on January 24 2009 @ 01:40 am: [report]
LOL ECM- I think it’s safe to say that for many women, it’s more of an aphrodisiac to come home and see that HE did the domestic #&@$% so I don’t have to… or maybe that’s just us moms who would find that sexy in a real-life way
A little D/s is cool- but this is stuff I’m doing ANYWAY, so where’s the fun in that?
And I agree with wittybitch- denying my orgasm is NOT going to put me in a playful mood… he’d be doing his own damn laundry after that!
kirstyg
wrote on January 24 2009 @ 06:12 am: [report]
16 and 17 seriously cracked me up! As if…
lilo
wrote on January 24 2009 @ 07:34 am: [report]
This article is hilarious. Great job, Wendy! Now, if he were to act like a cop or the UPS guy, some of these fantasies could be a little more appealing….except for the apple simile. What’s with champagne and apples? And, how’s that supposed to work? Out in the garage? In a secluded parking lot? Oh, well, it’s a fantasy. I’m glad they didn’t throw sandy beach sex in here too.
sneakachu
wrote on January 24 2009 @ 04:53 pm: [report]
These sound as though she feels pressured to write with her “female perspective” in a way that men can fantasize about it.
One Big Voice
wrote on January 25 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
@lilo: LMAO because a friend of mine told me that had been one of his fantasies. He finally got to try it and quickly found out that sand and sex are a bad combo! He and his GF then decided to go into the lake to finish, but again had to stop because of friction issues—apparently vaginal fluid is water-soluble and she had to call it off :( I guess that means swimming-pool sex is out too?
smcw321
wrote on January 25 2009 @ 11:33 pm: [report]
what the hell??? folding his laundry and cleaning the drain???? HAHAHA never!
Brite Boy
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
@One Big Voice: I actually had sex on the beach with a friend, and it worked fine, we brought a towel and that was sufficient to keep things sand free enough that neither of us chafed. What killed us were the mosquitoes!! I’m glad to have had the experience, it was really fun, but… I don’t think I need a repeat under those conditions.
One Big Voice
wrote on January 26 2009 @ 07:09 pm: [report]
Ouch! It could have been worse, at least you didn’t get poison ivy
Well, there you go folks—don’t forget to bring a towel/beach blanket and some bug spray on your next trip to the beach! I wish I was on a hot sunny beach right now, it’s so f-ing COLD outside!
CuteCora
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
Ok, so there a a few thigs on the list that maybe not my style , however I say when your “Hott if ya know what i mean” then almost anything goes..lol..I have done things with my husabnd in the heat of the moment that have made me want to go to church!
cranky angel
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
@ CuteCora - yeah, some work for me, most don’t, not a big deal.
At least the ocean isn’t chlorinated…
What gets me is she says she “Speaks for her gender”?? WTF? Um, no, she speaks for her. I mean, I guess the article wouldn’t sound as appealing if she said “This is just me, not that any of you guys out there are likely to date me ever”, but at least it’d be a lot more accurate. But maybe accuracy wasn’t what they wanted.
Oh, @OneBigVoice - oooh, sex in a pool, even worse idea. Or, um, a hot tub - not that I’d know or anything
MollyMortician
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 04:53 pm: [report]
I actually had to look at the full original article to see what other fantasies ‘she’ suggested.
“18. Maneuver me into 69 at least once a month. Sometimes with me on top, sometimes you. Sometimes on our sides. And, at least once in our lives—when you’ve been lifting and I’m at my lightest weight—standing up with my thighs on top of your shoulders.” what?? I realize that not everyone is like me and some adults may actually enjoy 69… but really??
This ‘Nicole’ frightens me if she really is a woman… and I fear for men who read that magazine…
TaraB3ar
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 07:46 pm: [report]
Oh geez what are these Mens magazines teaching guys?!
Although I wouldn’t want to shave my legs in front of my man my ex actually used to shave my nether region sometimes. It wasn’t a sexual act though, he was just meticulous and precise and it was much easier for him to do than me, its hard to see if you got it all sometimes! lol
develange
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 08:20 pm: [report]
cleaning the drain and doing laundry isn’t very sexy. And I don’t need to be rewarded for it, it’s really not that complicated.
please don’t shave my crotch for me. It’s hard enough doing it myself, which is why I switched to waxing.
I’m sure most of these “fantasies” could work if they were explained with better writing. The fruit analogies and attempting-to-be-provocative language . . . FAIL.
But yeah, if my boyfriend puts his hand up my skirt when we’re walking up the stairs alone, it’s pretty #&@$% hot… I don’t know why that’s a fantasy, though. It just seems like a natural thing to do when you’re walking upstairs to bang.
nahra
wrote on August 11 2009 @ 10:55 pm: [report]
hey cool open-minded wendy: you don’t understand what fantasies are. they’re the property of the person having them. you don’t get to “concur” with them (your word). and you can’t declare them “absurd” and “ridiculous.” you might as well tell someone that having green as their favorite color is “absurd” and “ridiculous.” a few people here are agreeing with you, but many more are keeping quiet because you just slammed something that’s very personal to them. stop treating sex like it’s fashion.