Frisky Rant: Family Members Should STFU About Weight Gain
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
style
11:30AM, Monday November 2nd 2009
I don’t know about you folks, but for me, a weekend with the rents is always fraught with tension. Is Mom going to pester me about brushing my hair? Is Dad going to ask me how much money I’m saving? Will they bristle if my boyfriend and I sleep in the same bed?
But I didn’t see Sunday morning’s battle royale coming at all.
Mom and I were hanging out in her bedroom; she was smoking a cigarette and I was scratching my cat behind the ears. Then Mom furrowed her brow, scrunched up her face and examined my pajamas-clad body. “You know, Jess,” she remarked, “you’ve put on some weight.”
My eyes bulged. Fire was breathed. Thunder boomed. Lightening crackled. The cat cowered in fear under the bed.
Mom isn’t wrong, mind you: I’ve probably gained about 10 lbs in the past six months. Since I’m naturally rather skinny, any weight gain shows. I blame the laziness that comes with a new relationship that’s still in the honeymoon phase; oral sex on weekend mornings is a lot more fun than haulin’ ass to yoga! Obviously, I’m conscious that I’ve gained some weight, so Mom didn’t point out something I didn’t already know.
Alas, nothing sets me off quite like people who think it’s appropriate to comment on other people’s weight. Am I the only one who thinks commenting that someone has put on weight is the height of rudeness? I accept, to a certain degree, that we live in a rude culture, one where tabloid magazines criticize 112-lb. starlets for eating french fries for lunch, and so-called comedians rip up the “worst-dressed” red carpet walkers. Millions of people read those magazines, so it stands to reason their foot-in-mouth, nose-wrinkling disapproval extends further than the magazine stand.
But rude strangers is one thing, and rude family members is another beast entirely—particularly, rude parents. My personal belief is that proactively encouraging a loving body image is part of a parent’s job. I know there’s that Eleanor Roosevelt quote that says, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” but I’m pretty sure Eleanor was talking about other politicians. Parents, we all know, can quite easily make you feel inferior without your consent, even when we know they love us to pieces. My mom isn’t some flunky comedian in the back of a gossip magazine; she’s my mom.
Maybe yapping about other people’s weight hits a special nerve for me because I had a long, scary experience with a close friend in high school who became so sick from anorexia that she stopped menstruating. I’m not necessarily blaming my friend’s mother for her daughter’s eating disorder, but you can be damn sure all the criticism and micromanaging didn’t help. Watching one of my best friends wither away in front of my eyes during 9th grade made me acutely aware of what they say about eating disorders: anorexia is a bullet and life (a loved one’s criticism, a fat-hating culture, etc.) hands you the gun. My life has enough bullets in it. I certainly don’t need my mother, of all people, to hand me a gun.
I wish I hadn’t shrieked at my mother in anger; I wish I’d kept my cool and used a Jedi mind trick to point out, “But I have a nice juicy badonkadonk now!” Maybe I’ll write Mom an email and tell her it’s not cool what she said to me. Maybe I’ll point out how when my friend became sick from anorexia, I learned to appreciate how my mom had always told me I was beautiful, and that I believed her then, and now. Maybe I’ll remind her she’s still my mom and I still believe her.
But mostly I just want to remember this experience and pay it forward. By the time I have my own kids, I’m fully expecting there to be a tabloid titled Fat Actresses Weekly. And if ever I feel compelled to point out my son or daughter has put on a few pounds, I’m just going to STFU instead.
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koshka
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
i agree it’s extremely rude to comment negatively on a person’s weight in ANY way. this includes what i put up with everytime i see my family. “you look way to thin! are you eating?” excuse me, but do i walk up to you and say “you look way too fat! stop eating!”
Jillybean
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
Since you said you’re skinny (and then followed on with the explanation that it’s because you’re happy) don’t you think this might have been a compliment?
Weight gain is not necessarily bad.
Lilypie
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
Weight is a very sore subject in my family and always has been. I was told I was fat when I wasn’t, my school pictures were thrown out annually with the explanation that they weren’t flattering, and putting on a swimsuit was just asking for a lecture (so I rarely did and never do now).
Last Christmas Eve my dad pulled me aside and said, “What are you doing? I’ve never seen you so big.” Way to ruin Christmas, Dad! It was all I could do not to go pack up my stuff and drive home right then. In hindsight, I wish I had. All the praise and criticism in our family is hinged on weight. You’re awesome if you are losing or thin, and you are fair game for negative comments and looks if you gain.
Ugh. If I ever have kids, like Jessica, I’m just going to keep my mouth shut.
Perceptible
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
Uggg! I could write a nice, long essay on this topic myself. And now that I have 2 kids, and am in a committed relationship with a man with 3 teenage girls (11, 14, and 19) I can say with some authority that as a parent, your job is to teach healthy living skills, both by example and through teaching, and teach them to have a positive self image. By the time your kids are adults, it’s up to them to manage their own weight and body image. Bringing up a slight weight gain to an adult child is just not okay. So parents, Just. Don’t. Do. It! Okay? Okay.
spatula
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
I’m sorry, but I think that is really awful. Since you’re grown, it’s really just super rude and insensitive, but if you were younger, I would call that terrible parenting. I would be devastated if my mother ever said anything like that to me. I could actually be fat, and my mom would bake me a cake and tell me how beautiful I looked.
I had a bulimic roommate in college, and her mother was so awful to her. She would criticize her weight constantly, buy her cute clothes she knew were a size or two too small. For her 21st birthday her mom got her a bunch of subscriptions to fitness magazines. My roommate was so hurt every time, they would have horrible phone conversations that would end in my roomie hysterically sobbing. Every time that happened, I called my mom to tell her how much i appreciated her.
bumbler
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
This is a strange struggle for me with my in-laws. They come from a culture where women are expected to carry a little more weight whereas I am very thin. My mother-in-law is always saying it looks like I’ve gained a little weight and rubbing my stomach. She means it as a compliment but I’m happy with my body as is and don’t feel like I need to gain weight. I also am uncomfortable with my body being singled out in front of 50 of their closest relatives. For the most part I just never mention weight to anyone. The only exception is for my father who is losing weight for specific health issues and needs encouragement (and in that case only statements like “You look great. I’m sure the doctor will be impressed, maybe lower your medication dosage”). Otherwise weight is never an acceptable topic of conversation.
Nicaly
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
oh my dad is terrible about that sort of thing. he always comments on what I eat, how much I eat, when I eat and what sort of exercise I’m getting. I know I’ve put on weight since freshman year of college, I used to run 3 miles a night (bc its too hot during the day in Houston) then but cant do that in the area I live in now. I eat healthy but I can never escape it from my dad, who has no right to say such things. it’s terribly rude.
H. Blue
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
I’m sorry you had to go through that, Jessica. No matter what your age, having a family member criticize your appearance is not cool.
My mother in law used to say things like “big girls like us” to me, I think to make her feel like she was part of some sisterhood of the plus-sized pants. In fact, she was probably 40lb lighter than I was, of which I was well aware (and about 6” taller), and I’d feel even bigger when she’d say things like that. She never understood how horrible it made me feel.
It is never ok to comment on someone’s weight. Period. I don’t care how bad a person feels about themselves, it’s rude to try to lump someone else into your category just to make yourself feel better. If you mentally want to compare yourself (we all do it) fine, but don’t say it out loud.
And yes, your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, and not make you feel bad about your body. If you bring it up and they want to help, that’s another story.
I don’t think I will ever be a parent, but if I were, I would hope to be able to teach my children about being healthy, while loving themselves and not feeling the pressure to conform to a societal ideal.
Wytch
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
My mom and my boyfriend never criticize my weight, but both of them are obsessed with their own weight. My boyfriend is always on the scale complaining about the 2lbs that he put on this week or squeeing about the 5lbs he dropped. And when my mom started wearing the same size as me, she would criticize herself endlessly. When someone the same size as me says “I’m so fat and ugly, but you look fine.” What I hear is, “You’re so fat and ugly, but I’m not going to say that because that would be rude and damaging to your self esteem.”
tabby
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
That was really crappy of your mom. My dad does this to me. I like to think it is because he is worried about me getting diabetes or heart disease, but it still sucks. Especially since my weight was a taboo topic for years as I had an eating disorder in high school. Which also annoys me, like there is a statue of limitations on when you “get over it”. The bad voices still tell me I am a fat unlovable cow, but I don’t really consider that type of disclosure polite dinner conversations just as I don’t consider someone mentioning that I look fat to be either. Parents really should know better. If they are worried about your health, then they should at least preface such comments as “Hey, I don’t want you to get diabetes and die young. How about we all go for a run after dinner?”
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
Critical and a smoker Jess?
Mom should put her money where her mouth is, literally.
joyy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
The real problem is that if they’re saying it to you, they obviously don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, so the only way they’ll ever learn is if you tell them.
Simply supplying you with half of your DNA does NOT afford a parent the right to enough room in your life to make you miserable. If you talk to them about it and it’s clear that they don’t care about how their behavior/comments make you feel, then move on. You wouldn’t let a stranger do that, so why take it from the people who are supposed to love you the most?
This is why I am a big fan of “chosen family.” I really love certain members of my family, and I stay in touch with them. But the people who are toxic to my happiness (and I’m talking abuse, put-downs, phone calls that start with insults, not even ‘hello’), don’t get my attention. Some people call my behavior “cold” or “holding a grudge,” but you know what? My life *is* better now that I only let people into it who don’t treat me like #&@$%.
Have standards, and apply them to everyone.
Lynn
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
I don’t know - I think of all the people in the world, your family (and your parents) are the ones with the most right to talk to you about this. I have no idea what you weigh or how healthy you are so this isn’t a comment on you specifically, but if I had a kid and I noticed that she was gaining weight, I might point it out. If she kept gaining, she could become unhealthy - and unlike a lot of people who flap their gums about how they worry about the health of plus-sized models or whatever, it’s often pretty fair to say that parents do actually have their child’s best interests at heart. Maybe she’s worried you’re on a slippery slope. Maybe she’s wondering if you have some medical problems or some personal problems that you need help with. Maybe she just wants to point it out to you in case you didn’t know or are in denial, so you can start taking care of yourself.
My mom has commented when I gain weight and I know she isn’t trying to be snarky or mean - she’s trying to save me from the health and personal problems that she faced when she was overweight. And sometimes her comments are the kick in the pants I need to put down the fork and lace up some gym shoes.
LiciMama
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
I would only mention it if it was severe enough to make someone home bound and it would only be out of sincere concern for their health and well being. Of course it would be shrouded in other health concerns such as wheezing, loss of ability to walk, obvious social anxiety, etc. Im also not talking about 10 or 20 lbs thats nothing but 200 or 300 lbs. The focus on them being healthy and not movie star thin. I wouldn’t want to lose anyone to any disease if I can help.
Any other comment is completely unacceptable. Even a casual comment from family can have a lasting effect. This doesn’t just apply to weight. Family should be careful how we critique each other.
Perceptible
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
@joyy, here, here! A virtual toast to not associating with toxic “family.”
peacock
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
Look at all these posts. Moms will make comments that piss their daughters off. Its what they do. Mine does it to me sometimes, and I am sure I will find a way to do it if I have daughters. And to Jess specifically, from your posts you sound like a strong, opinionated woman who is doing good things with her life, which leads me to believe that your mom didn’t screw up raising you too bad.
unbounded
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
My mom starting getting on me in high school for gaining weight. I was devastated. I also clearly remember the day (I was not very old) when it stopped being a good thing to go up in clothing sizes…like as a kid, you always got excited because you were growing! Once I was almost in adult sizes, like maybe 10 or 11, my mom let me know it was not ok to continue getting bigger. So sad, it’s not like I was done growing yet.
I’ve had complexes about weight ever since, yo-yoing between too skinny as a result of disordered eating and slightly plump when my body attempts to correct the balance - so I understand your horror, Jess. When I see my parents on vacations or christmas, they always let me know if I look “good” (thin), and conversely they always let me know if I’ve gained weight and want reassurance that I’ve come up with a plan to get rid of the excess.
The worst was after going through a really terrible breakup, I lost a TON of weight, and my mom couldn’t stop gushing over how good I looked. I looked terrible. Sad, hollow, worn out, and bony. But I was two sizes down from my normal weight so I was therefore “better” and I got praised, despite the fact that the cause of the weight loss was a broken heart. Lovely.
niftynymph
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
I grew up with the relatives on my mother’s side commenting on my weight. They argue it’s a cultural thing—but as a girl growing up in the U.S.—culture or not, snide comments about my weight has always been a sensitive issue.
As a teen, I gave them the stink eye which usually kept them at bay. As an adult, it became a lot easier to just avoid them all together. However, recently, my uncle greeted me at a wedding—not with a “Hello, how’s it going?”—but with a “You need to tell your sisters how to lose weight.” He did this right in front of my sisters. The nerve of the man! I replied, “I think they look beautiful, you on the other hand could stand to lose some weight yourself.” He stayed away from me and my sisters for the rest of the day.
O.Ste
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
I’m the “skinny” one on my mom’s side of the family. While I consider myself to be average when it comes to my weight, everyone on my mom’s side is either obese or morbidly obese. Anyway, after I had gained the Freshman 15 (more like 25) my first year in college, my mom commented on the noticeable difference. After the initial shock of her bringing it up, she explained to be that she knows how difficult it is for a woman to be overweight (i.e. confidence issues, etc.) and she just didn’t want me having to deal with everything she’s had to. So maybe, in an insensitive way, your mom is looking out for you and your best interest.
AprilONeil
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
Jess I sadly can relate to this situation. After an entire childhood of having a really encouraging and supportive mother she devasted me this summer with a barrage of negative comments.
I hadn’t seen her in a really long time and not long after her arrival she decided to let me know that i had put on weight and that i will be the biggest of all the bridesmaids in my bestfriends upcomming wedding (standing in front of hundreds of people later that month was one of the most terrifying things i’ve done as i could not get that comment out of my mind!).
She blamed my new relationship bliss for the extra weight- like having a great boyfriend was really a bad thing after all. I was so shocked that I had no response and could only hold back my tears. Since then she has made similar comments that always come as a huge surprise/insult to me and i can never seem to articulate what i want.
In that respect I really dont think you should regret your little blow up. Although losing our temper isnt the most “becomming” of anyone, at least your mom knows that this is not an approriate topic and you stood your ground. Now you have the option of outling your new boundaries in that email. As for me I will have to stay on my game so the next time she does try to bring me down I can respond with a STFU.
Thanks for your story and everyones comments- I feel better knowing im not the only one
smh
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
I agree. People in general need to STFU instead of commenting negatively on what others are doing in their own lives. What other people think of you unless you ask is none of your business and even when you ask it still may not be any of your business. Who cares what other people think about personal matters - it is more amazing that they actually ‘think’ - clearly don’t tell unless asked and even then less is more. Perhaps actually having a thought is such a rare novel experience for some that they can’t resist mindlessly sharing. Clearly a case of TMI.
lindseylee21
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
I can totally relate! I think it is awful for anyone to say anything about someone’s weight, especially if it isn’t anything major. My grandmother recently said to me, “Lindsey, I could just spank you! You have gained SO MUCH WEIGHT.” It was right after my dog had died so I was already a little sensitive and I just completely burst into tears! Now she goes around telling everyone that I came to her crying because I thought I was fat, just so that she doesn’t look like the bad guy. And she wonders why I quit calling her every week?????? Guess what, grandma, I’M NOT FAT and even if I was then you still don’t have a right to say anything!!
Humble Bee
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]
I’m on the same boat jess, My grandma visits every couple of months from Mexico, and everytime she comes she makes indirect comments about my weight and my brothers. My brother is only 10! My sister is 12 and she is really thin, so my grandma says “I know everyone here is on a diet, except for lesley” (my sis.) I just ran the marathon, I don’t need to be on no goddamn diet lady. I get mad with family because instead of creating memories, they create a hostile environment and makes us fatties feel tense and upset. My mom does the same, she makes jokes about how fat me and the rest of my sisters are getting, how she wasn’t that fat when she was young! I’ve learned just to take it, that’s the way they are, and they are never going to change.
pragmatryst
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]
Are you certain this was her passive-aggressive way of criticizing your waistline and not her passive-aggressive way of asking you if she was going to be a Grandma soon?
equnsuocha
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
OMG YES!!
I grew up with a mother who was thin all through high school, was a cheerleader, most popular and dated football players. Flash forward 20 years and she is 100lbs overweight and I am a nrmal sized girl who always felt fat next to my naturally size 2 friends. I was a “dirt bag” in HS wasnt popular dated heavy metal guys and never cared about who was doing what. My mother would take my face in her hands and say “You are so pretty if only you would lose a litte weight” WTF!! This started me on a life of yo-you dieting.
Now 20 years later I have fibromyalgia and regular bouts with depression so my weight really fluctuates. I was put on Cymbalta for my Fibro right after I got back from seeing my family in NY. I was in a thinner cycle. Well good old Cymbalta made me have worse symptoms, caused SEVERE depression and I gained 20lbs with ZERO effort in about 4 weeks. Then my mother came to visit so since the NY trip I gained 20lbs and got my nose pierced. The first day at my house she says to me “You are putting on some weight huh? you were looking good and now you are getting thick around the middle” Yeah ma thanks the meds put 20lbs on me thanks for noticing. Then the next morning she says “Did you pierce your nose?” I told her I was wondering how long it was going to take her to notice, my stud is very small. She says “Well i thought it might be a black head or something and I didnt want to insult you” Ok so let me sum up; calling me fat - OK , commenting on a black head - Not OK.
GG leave us alone and love us for who we are not what size we are. Fortunately my loving boyfriend has said nothing and is planning on doing the Nutri-System with me next month when I need it most through the holidays even though he is maybe 15lbs over weight.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
@ Humblebee : OMG my mother would buy like 12 different kinds of cookies and cake and then keep a running count. When she would notice cookies missing she would demand to know who had eaten the cookies since only my brother could afford to eat them. Why in holy hell did you buy 12 different kinds then? Jeez
dudette
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
I agree with Lynn. If your mother is supportive, and doesn’t have a history of negative comments towards your weight, I don’t think its the worst thing in the world to slightly mention weight gain/loss. I agree that it is rude coming from a stranger, but if you cannot talk about it with your mom, who can you talk about it with? She’s probably only trying to look out for your health and well being.
IrishErin
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]
For the last 5 years, all the weight I’ve gained has gone directly to my stomach and nowhere else. It’s infuriating as that’s the hardest part of the body to lose weight from. I eat a balanced, mostly healthy diet and run three times a week (as well as walking my dog every day and peppering some yoga in there when I have time) and a few years back my grandmother (who has always been quite critical) asked me if I was pregnant. Not 5 hours later my mom said “your stomach is getting so big Erin…are you pregnant?” ZING. #&@$% you family. And since then, no one has said a WORD to me about weight.
meredith
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
I thought it was a normal thing for family. I’ve gained about 10 pounds in the last year and both my parents like to tell me to lose it. And my grandma told me my face got fat. While it’s annoying, I feel like they’re just trying to remind me to take better care of myself. Now if I were to hear from my boyfriend or other male friends that I needed to lose weight - that would make me angry.
retro chic
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 04:48 pm: [report]
I agree with meredith: I almost expect this from family… no matter how irritating it is, you can always count on them to hold up the reality mirror. But like Cheese said, it’s a little odd coming at you thru all that smoke. Explain your feelings and be glad you have her – it’s her way of saying “I care about what goes on with you.”
DFTCTB's
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 04:59 pm: [report]
I feel your pain, an aunt once shouted in front of a large group of relatives “Does she look like she needs to eat anymore!” The best part? We were at my grandmother’s funeral.
I Go To 11
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 05:56 pm: [report]
In my family, these sorts of comments are made behind others backs. My grandmother is the worst about it. My mom always felt that her younger sisters, who are both skinny minnies, got more preferential treatment than she did. The crazy thing was, back in high school my mom was a size 10, which isn’t fat…but it was compared to my size-4 aunts, which was enough to be ridiculed by my grandmother. However, my mom is now 5’5” and over 200 lbs. and my aunts are still size-4s, so it’s even worse.
I even see it from her between my sister and I. My sister is 5’8” and hovers around 220 lbs., whereas I’m 5’4” and hover closer to 130 lbs. My grandmother can’t seem to resist bringing up my sister’s weight whenever I talk to her on the phone, and my mom said she hears the same thing. I’ve gotten the feeling throughout my life that she favors me over my sister due to our respective sizes. It’s like my grandma equates being thin with being more worthy of love or something, which isn’t fair.
Ginger
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:13 pm: [report]
My mom remarked on my weight gain when I first went to college, but it was in a good way. I had been working so hard my senior year, and had gone from being naturally skinny to underweight. She said the extra weight made me look healthier.
My grandmother, on the other hand, thought it appropriate to grab my stomach when I was visiting last year and go “Look what you picked up at school!”.
I’m still thin, but it’s never okay to grab someone’s flab and coo over it like I’m a chubby two year-old. Especially when I’m at a healthy weight for the first time in my life and she suddenly made me feel fat instead.
Laurel
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:38 pm: [report]
Great article Jessica.
painted_lady
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:48 pm: [report]
My mom was a big fan when I was growing up of criticizing me - not my weight, but my hair, my clothes, my smell (there was a period of about a year where she commented on at least a weekly basis that I smelled like mothballs, talk about weird) - and then when I acted hurt, guilting me out about how “I should have known her better” than to think she meant it maliciously. Like I was being over-sensitive on purpose just to hurt her. Her defense, too, was always, “Don’t you want me to tell you things like that, or would you rather walk around clueless?” Thing is, especially as an insecure, unhappy, awkward teenager, I think it would have been nicer to have home be a safe place, because school most definitely was not. So yes, clueless was preferable at that particular juncture.
In the past couple of years, though, we’ve had some pretty honest talks about it. She felt like because she loved me, I should have known better than to be hurt by it, but she knows now stuff like that can hurt even more when it comes from someone who’s supposed to love you. It didn’t matter what her intentions were when it came to my hurt feelings because I still felt judged and self-conscious.
I think family members, especially parents, forget that knowing someone so well for so long doesn’t make that person a mind reader of your every intention, nor do you have any sort of proprietary hold on them and therefore right to speak up however you wish. I guess when you’ve coaxed someone through potty training, shoe-tying, and any other major life steps, it’s easy to forget that there are some things that may be off-limits.