Eight Secrets You Need To Know About The Penis

Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry Filed in: sex
1:30PM, Monday May 4th 2009

Comments (36)

Theories About The Human Penis And Its Evolution

Days like this make me love my job. I spent the last hour reading an article about the human penis: “Secrets of the Phallus: Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?” Written by Jesse Bering at Scientific American, the piece explores the research of evolutionary psychologist Gordon Gallup at SUNY Albany, who has spent his life wondering why in the hell the human penis is so funny looking. After the jump, eight impressive and interesting tidbits from his research, including how I might someday bear the child of Ryan Gosling.

“The erect human penis is especially large compared to that of other primates, measuring on average between five and six inches in length and averaging about five inches in circumference.” Our closest living relative, the chimp, is nowhere near as large, even at its most riled up.

Only the human phallus has such a distinctive mushroom cap-type head/glans. “Chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans have a much less extravagant phallic design, more or less all shaft.” Another unique attribute? The corneal ridge, where the head meets the shaft—it plays a significant role in Gallup’s research.

During sex, the penis swells inside the vagina and “occupies the vaginal tract, and with full penetration can even reach the woman’s cervix and lift her uterus.” Further evidence that guys with smaller dicks were given the short end of the biological stick.
Even though humans are relatively monogamous (especially when compared to other species), we weren’t always so loyal, which is why the human penis adapted to deal with competing sperm from other mates. Gallup’s “semen displacement theory” suggests that the human penis is meant to deposit sperm as deep in the vagina as possible, outshooting sperm from other sexual partners, biology’s way of “ensuring” paternity.

Speaking of ejaculate, it can shoot a whopping two feet!

Another way the human penis outsmarts the competition? By getting rid of the competition’s sperm. According to Gallup’s theory, human male “penises were sculpted in such a way that the organ would effectively displace the semen of competitors from their partner’s vagina, a well-synchronized effect facilitated by the ‘upsuck’ of thrusting during intercourse.” Basically, the frenetic thrusting not only encourages the penis to ejaculate, but it also flushes out the sperm left behind by prior partners.

Gallup wanted to study the biological and the behavioral, so he polled college students about their “penile behavior,” and “both men and women reported that, in the wake of allegations of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster.” Men also thrust deeper and faster after being reunited with partners they haven’t seen in awhile, which led Gallup and his team to conclude that men want to make sure their partners aren’t impregnated by the competition while they’re away or while they’re astray.

And last, but not least, Gallup had one more theory that gave me pause. According to his “semen displacement theory,” it would be possible for a woman (me) to get pregnant by a man (Ryan Gosling) she never had sex with. Let’s say Justin Timberlake was having super thrusty unprotected sex with Rachel McAdams, like, 24 hours after she had a super thrusty unprotected one night stand with Ryan Gosling. In the process of cleaning out all of the Gos’ sperm with his super thrustiness, some of Ryan’s sperm could feasibly get forced under Justin’s frenulum, collecting behind his coronal ridge. A few hours later, Justin and I meet at a club and end up having super thrusty unprotected sex. When he ejaculates some of Ryan’s sperm could get mixed up with his and shoot into my baby maker, potentially resulting in conception by one or BOTH (fraternal twins from different fathers, holla!).

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Tags: penis, penis facts, gordon gallup, biology

Comments (36)

comments

Catherine
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]

I have been educated.

Little Lamb
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]

The picture looks like a 13-year-old Seth Rogan and kinda makes me feel creepy.

doridori
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]

I found this article wildly fascinating and entertaining. Also great confirmation that one should always wear protective eye wear when dealing with ejaculating penis(es) as well as condoms when having promiscuous sex.

Perceptible
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]

I love science, but that just might be more information than I need.

bklyniiite
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]

I can female ejaculate farther than 2 feet..as if there was such a contest.

TOO_DOPE
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]

Dude… that last scenario… not only HOT, BUT if it were to happen… your twins would be the hottest brothers EVAH. no lie.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]

2 feet with no noticeable drop in height? Thats not all that much, I’m sure I’ve beaten it (pun).

Anyone know how many calories are in, ahem, load?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]

Ejaculate has also been clocked at 28 miles per hour.

Adam(aka)AP
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]

That’s a whole lot of unprotected sex there towards the end.

Humble Bee
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]

Love it!
Thanks for the info. This made me laugh and put my finger on my chin and go hmmm…

writergirl
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]

Well….at least now I know why I can’t walk the morning after my husband returns from Europe or Asia.

And cheese—Google it. But I think I read once it was 15 calories per “shot”. I don’t know what the standard unit measurement used was.

Naneenya
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]

@CheeeeEEEEse :: A tablespoon of semen has approx. 6 calories.

retro chic
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]

Heard of a few of these, but *not quite this way* tyvm! However, that head/plunger concept? All this time I thought it was designed for *my* pleasure! Think I’ll just stay in denial.

Gee, Amelia, as long as you’re crushing, you may as well go all the way with it! Great and funny article.
doridori, you pretty much sum it up for me, haha!

IrinaGonzalez
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]

wow… #8 was an impressive tale

the article’s great! I definitely learned a lot =)

and definitely clarifies a few things… I wonder if this is why long distance couples can stay together for long periods of time? When they finally DO meet, the sex must be great! haha

dudette
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]

I think the guy in the photo is adorable

MsLiberal
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]

This article made me miss my boyfriend-who-lives-an-hour-away.

Is that weird?

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]

I thought #8 only happened in Soap Operas! Interesting to know that the writers were sorta true to life there ...

I also enjoyed your casting in that scenario ... good choices!

develange
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 09:46 pm: [report]

what about thrusting deeper and faster ... because it feels good?

retro chic
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 11:08 pm: [report]

There’ve been programs about N° 7 “both men and women reported that, in the wake of *allegations* of female cheating, men thrust deeper and faster.” In addition, the returning mate would produce more ‘zoa—to outnumber the perceived competition.

Otoh, I think there might be some Gallup-guy projecting going on here. The guys were the ones away, and probably strayed, coming home to frenetically reclaim their mate and territory. Maybe?

Keesh Mia
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 06:27 am: [report]

Point #8 works sort of like pollenation. A little here and a little there… we share the love everywhere?

lirael182
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 03:23 pm: [report]

This led to the quote of the century “it’s like a super soaker,” because I have the best roommate ever.

stormygirl
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]

This is a cool article. You learn something new every day.

anatomization
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 02:24 am: [report]

I wouldn’t put too much stock in this article, first because the entire concept based around this supposed scientific research is a muddle up theory of evolution. It also goes against many things we know about older, and relatively unchanged cultures. These ideas of evolution are placing this generations standards and ideals of female/male gender roles and supplanting them in an evolutionary context. Its not that some of this info isn’t correct. yeah sperm travels, and yeah the head of the penis may have a plumger effect during sex but it doen’t neccessarily mean men evolved this way or women evolved that way…it could have come about through pleasure not as a function of monogomy. Associations aren’t always causal.

hereshestands
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 03:33 am: [report]

I guess that just proves how freaky the penis really is. =P

bbpickles
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]

Loved it! Completely entertaining, and it made me smile! I don’t care if it’s completely true or not…..

@blkyniiite- How do you go about measuring how for your female ejaculate goes? LOL! I want to have a contest with my bf!

crustee
wrote on May 9 2009 @ 06:42 am: [report]

Actually, the human penis isn’t that odd. In biology last semester we learned about some primate penises that had thorn-like appendages that would actually INJURE the female. Apparently this would incapacitate her so she couldn’t mate again, ensuring paternity.

Gross/ouch/thank heavens I’m not a gorilla!

JeSuisSarah
wrote on May 9 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]

lol Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake! Double whammy!

Alison Wonderland
wrote on May 9 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]

5 inches in circumfrence sounds big. I need to go find a tape measurer…

MarriedWhiteMale
wrote on May 11 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]

Only two feet? Darn I should shorten my shots . . .

tdumpling
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 09:29 am: [report]

amazing. thank you.

Jake12
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 02:16 am: [report]

Things I never knew… and I’m an owner/operator of one of these things! Also, this was worth reading for the last paragraph alone. Even if I don’t like hearing what those guys were doing to Rachel MacAdams (she’s mine, I tell you… all mine!).

Tom Nicolet
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:19 am: [report]

Just two feet distance? In my prime I could shoot more than 10 feet. I measured using the floor tiles in the basement. Now that I’m, well… more mature, my max would be 1 to 2 feet. About your scenario: I’d think that any guy would clean up a bit after sex and not walk around carrying another guy’s juice on him before planting more seed. And yes, the “mushroom” cap does work as an excavator. In a certain 3-way years ago, the other guy deposited and when it was my turn, my “cap” slid past it but pulled it out with each long outward thrust—leaving the area clear for me and my millions of little buddies. Some guys say they don’t like the idea of “sloppy seconds” but I love it. You have to know the guy and be OK with the whole idea first, but man it is slippery and pre-heated in there! Also, it opens up the possibility of double-penetration. Only done it once, but it was awesome. I felt like I was in a porno.

Nevaeh
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 01:51 am: [report]

Ok I’ll be a bit bad
There’s a joke that the penis and specifically the head is shaped like it is so that when a man maturbates his hand won’t go flying off and hit himself in the head. HeeHee