Don’t Ask Don’t Tell: What Do You Do While Away From Your Boo?
Posted by: Lily Q
Filed in:
relationships
8:45AM, Wednesday June 10th 2009
My first semi-legit boyfriend was a year older than me and leaving for college while I was still a lowly high school senior. It was essentially over when he boarded the plane to Connecticut, but the first few school breaks bore strikingly few signs that anything had changed. Where I expected stilted awkwardness there was a normalcy that almost made me forget that I’d been kissing other boys and he’d probably been screwing everything that walked slow enough to be caught. We’d unwittingly invoked the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy, beloved by oft-separated couples everywhere: do what you like while apart and then act as though nothing happened when together.
Eventually, of course, we broke up because we were too far apart, I had grown taller than him and and we’d both moved on. But for a few months, Don’t Ask, Don’t tell was surprisingly useful and believable. Peripherally, we both knew that everything was different and a bit sloppier, but it didn’t so much matter as long as we neglected to say anything about it. I called it selective memory, my friends called it “deluded” and opinion on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell remains sharply divided. It worked out for me but it’s been suggested that’s only the case because I have “the emotional range of a snail.” (Thanks Mom.)
In an effort to put together slightly more empirical data on the merits and pit falls of extracurricular action while the boyfriend’s away, I’ve hit up some people who’ve had their way with others and then gone about their girlfriend/boyfriend business to see how it worked for them. Check out their answers after the jump and let us know if it’s worked—or failed miserably—for you in the comments.
“My college boyfriend and I tried the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy last summer. When we came back for the school year, I was all excited and he was all holding hands with another girl.” —Sarah
“‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is the best thing I’ve ever done. I was totally free to do what I wanted while we were apart for a couple of months but never had to explain any of it when we got back together after the summer. That’s called a win-win situation.” —Laura
“My ex and I tried ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ while I was away in Italy for the summer. I think we were both just looking for an easy way out of a boring relationship. We broke up a couple weeks after I got back.” —Dan
“Ah yes, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ I’m participating in that right now. I love it.” —Sam
“I thought I could do ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’, but I spent all of my time wondering what—and who—he was doing. I couldn’t get over it and it ruined the relationship.” —Jackie
“If you want to do things with other people in the first place, you’re probably screwed, no?” —Schruti
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powplz
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
I’m very much a “do what works for you” kind of person ... but whatever happened to just NOT CHEATING?
Jessalyn
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:03 am: [report]
Umm, yeah, in my book, unless you’ve specifically discussed being in an “open” relationship (let’s use Facebook terminology - why not?), Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell just sounds like cheating. But then, my friends in college tried multiple times to explain the “different area/zip code” thing and it still just sounded like cheating to me.
I guess it depends on the relationship - if both people are really fine with it, sounds like it could work out fairly well for a while!
develange
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
mandatory STD test upon reuniting?
brandyalexander
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
@ Jessalyn: Sounds like my friend who said she was going to try being in an open relationship and not telling her boyfriend about it. LOL. I told her this was cheating, and she got super depressed. Yeah, open relationships are not my thing, but if all parties agree, then whatever.
powplz
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
@Jessalyn - yep ... though I’m inclined to think that if it’s an open relationship, that the “open” part wouldn’t just occur during long-distance phases. I’m kind of an ldr warrior though, and da/dt was never even entertained, so I read this and while my rational side says yeah, I’m sure this works just fine for some people, a large part of my brain is all “does.not.compute”
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
I have had an open relationship and it was great! As long as both partners are ok with it and are safe it’s not cheating. We also adopted the don’t ask don’t tell, when we were together we didn’t talk about the other people in our lives.
MichelleS1017
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:26 am: [report]
i think id just break up. i wouldnt be comfortable with this arrangement, and i wouldnt feel right fooling around with people knowing im still in a relationship.
Jessalyn
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
@brandy - Oops!!
@joyy - My thinking exactly. Why bother being exclusive when you’re together if you’re seeing other people when you’re apart anyway - doesn’t that make your “together” time kind of a lie? My rational side says, “Yeah, if it works, go for it” too…but it’s not something I can see myself ever agreeing to.
powplz
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:37 am: [report]
@lilrockgoddes - can I ask if the “open” part of your open relationship was inspired/confined to being apart from each other at all? I figure that if a couple is an open relationship, doing so selectively based on proximity doesn’t seem ... genuine? that’s not the right word, but I can’t think of anything better. sorry if that doesn’t make much sense.
bogart4017
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
that having an “open relationship and just not telling your SO” sounds like the beginning of the end of a relationship you were probably bored with anyway.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
I agree that if you are the only one having an open relationship and are not telling your committed other half, that is just cheating.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 03:22 pm: [report]
What if you’re not cheating? I was in a 4 year relationship and we went out every saturday, and if I cancelled he’d bombard me with a billion questions of why? who? what? where? when? so I’d just lie and say, I feel sick and am staying in when really I’d go to a club with friends, or a sports bar with my dad. Even when it was family he’d get all Bobby Brown on me, with his attitude. So imagine how he’d react if I told him, I went to a club with friends and got drunk, he’d probably go off. I rather spare the drama,(don’t want to hear his sh*t) & do what I want, that way he’s happy and I’m happy. That worked for a while, until I got fed up with his jealous diva antics. My motto was what he didnt know, didn’t hurt him, but in then end it hurt me. So I rather stay honest, and I learned my lesson. #&@$% will always be #&@$%, don’t be surprised.
becktasm
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 06:09 pm: [report]
I think don’t ask/don’t tell might be handy- if you don’t love the person. Some of my exes had their fair share of clandestine rendez-vous, and while my ego may have been a little bruised, my heart wasn’t broken. However, the one time that a man I loved cheated on me, I was shattered, and wanted to know every single gory detail. Morbid curiosity, I guess. When you love someone, really love them, you don’t want to share them, and that’s the bottom line.
sam04
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 06:17 pm: [report]
I’m sure it works for some people. I’m the type of person, though, who only has eyes for who I’m with. Sure, I see guys who I think are attractive but there’s no sexual desire there. The lack of sex in a long distance relationship is not what is difficult about it for me.
OhSoloMeeeow
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 09:17 pm: [report]
@ Develange: That was my VERY first thought!
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:22 am: [report]
@Joyy Yes it did start out due to distance, but we found that we liked the arrangement so much that we kept it up when he came home. Unfortunately things just didn’t work out for us, but neither of us felt it was because of the open part of our relationship. We just made better friends and we still are today. Sigh…I wish I my current BF would be down with an open relationship.
majicksand
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
Wow! My 15 year old son has been in a committed long-distance relationship for over a year. I realize it’s somewhat different since neither of them has experienced the joy of a sexual relationship yet, but the fact remains they are willing to wait for each other. They are teenagers, for goodness sake. If they can tamp down those raging hormones, what does it say about adults who are not able to do the same? If you can’t handle a long-distance relationship, then be honest with your SO and yourself. Just break it off. If you have an “open relationship” while residing in the same town, it’s not a relationship. It’s friends with benefits or a booty call. Why not just call it what it is?