Doin’ It With Dr. V: 10 Sex Don’ts According To Men

This week I decided to tap some real personal assets: my guy friends. Whenever I need sex advice, I turn to them! This time, I wanted to find out what I may or may not be doing wrong in bed. Hey, they know being friends with a sexy lady like me means they’ll eventually have to divulge the dirty deets on how they like to get down, or in this case, how they don’t. Here’s what these stallions told me they hate during nakey time—uncensored.

1. Ask Before You Surprise Me With A Finger In The Butt: You would think, with the prostate and all, most men would like an extra finger. Yet, I heard this straight from the mouth of a straight man: “Guys talk about a lot of dirty stuff. But I’ve never heard one of my friends being happy they got an oil check they didn’t ask for.”  Guess the male G-spot is the safe way to go.
2. Don’t Make Cute Noises When We Cuddle: Guys know they have to hold you after sex. Heck, you know they get warm fuzzies too. But making adorable animal noises isn’t a good way to say thank you. They’re creepy. You don’t want him to think your sexual style mimics a crazy cat lady.
3. Don’t Kiss Me All Over My Body: Sure, girls love this kind of pampering attention. But guys are thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get to the point and give me a blow job?”
4. I’m Not Your Doll; Don’t Try To Hold Me: Back to the post-sex spooning: He should go for it, yes. You can feel free to snuggle up on him on the sofa. But whatever you do, do not try to hold a man unless he goes in for it. This isn’t about hugs; this is about spooning and the like.
5. Don’t Fart On Me: “If you need to fart, you need to say something. And get off my face first.” My guy friend responded to my question with the most hilarious two sentences I’ve ever heard. Seriously, lady folks, don’t ruin a good thing by making him have a Pavlovian response to your booty bell.
6. Sex Isn’t A Weapon: Sex is not the atomic bomb of booty. It will not end a conflict, and holding out won’t bring a man to his knees. Using sex as a power play perverts its actual goodness. So don’t mess it up!
7. Shut Up When We’re Naked: Don’t try to get a man to finally say he loves you—or try to win an argument—while you’re having sex. Sex is sex. Don’t confuse it with the communication your relationship really needs. The only talk that can happen is the dirty kind.
8. Don’t Kiss And Tell: What happens between the sheets is our little secret. Don’t tell your friends how big his d**k is, that you fake orgasms all the time, or divulge freaky-deaky stuff you do together. If he wanted to broadcast your sex life, you would have made a porno.
9. Don’t Lie Back And Expect Me To Do All The Work: It takes two to tango. So, start using your smooth moves. If you’re not going to contribute, he might as well just masturbate.
10. Don’t Forget The Balls: They’re like the man-clit. Sure, they’re hairy and wrinkly, but your junk isn’t exactly sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. So, if you want to love a man right, don’t ignore his sweet spot.