Doin’ It With Dr. V: How To Stop Hating Giving BJs
Posted by: Dr. V
Filed in:
sex
11:00AM, Monday November 2nd 2009
Oral sex, we all love to receive it. But some peeps have a harder time giving:
I have what I feel is an embarrassing situation. I am in a long term, steady relationship with my boyfriend, and, in general, things are great. There is only one little problem in our sex life ... he goes down on me, he loves it, I love it, and life is great, but I cannot seem to do the same for him. I am so embarrassed and I don’t know what to do! I gag or feel nauseous every time I try. He says it’s not a big deal, but I know it’s something he wants and something I want to be able to give him. Is there any way for me to get over what seems like a weird, childish type of response? If not, will he hold it against me, or do you think he means it when he says it’s not a big deal?
Trust me, sex can be kind of embarrassing, no matter what’s going on between the sheets. But I have to wonder, what are you afraid of? It’s just a penis. You think your mouth is perfectly clean? It’s definitely as dirty as your mind. So, girl, I know you can be as good to him as he’s been to you. Treat others how you’d like to be treated, right? Would you want to go your whole life without someone going down on you ever again?
It would be one thing if he didn’t like BJs— and yes, I’ve met one guy who thought they were the waterboarding of sexy times, so they’re out there. I suppose you could wait to find one of these rare dudes, but you might not have a thing in common with him besides that. Or you can keep on loving the man who’s been loving you right, since he’s not asking for anything crazy.
Clearly, it’s time to suck it up, literally. And I have some ideas to get you in tip-top shape.
- Dental Dam: Keep a layer of latex between you and him. It’s a lil’ harder this way, but it could be a baby step if you’re a germaphobe.
- Mr. Clean: Have him get fresh in the shower or bath.
- Get On Top: Lie him down on his back. This way you can go down on him at your own pace. Since he won’t be standing over you, you’ll be at a vantage point to easily see him enjoying it, and you’ll be totally in control.
- Flava: Add some deliciousness to the BJ with a tasty lube. But be careful: some foods don’t mix well with sex.
- 69: Sure, you’ll have to split your attention if you’re both working at the same time, but at least there will be an incentive to keep on going.
- Tease: Seems like you’re going to want to minimize the amount of time your mouth is making contact with his, uh, member, so be sure and tease the heck outta him. Striptease, grind, get handy, and go to town before you go down. He’ll pop faster than a safety seal.
- Technique: Here are some extra tips for blowing his mind with your mad skills.
TIP: While surprising him with a little oral action would be awesome, you might want to ask him to warn you when he’s going to blow, so you can opt out of swallowing.
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor; I just play one on the internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too!
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
Also, if it is only you that seems to care about being able to do this…he may be telling the truth in that it is not a big deal and he gets pleasure out of pleasing you. I personally feel mouth love is meh but hey, I just might be in the minority on this one.
lea322
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
It doesn’t sound to me like she’s a germaphobe. It sounds like she’s saying her gag reflexes are too strong.
bethlynn00
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
I have bad news for her…nothing she can try is going to make a blow job more enjoyable to her. It’s something you either like or don’t like and obviously she doesn’t like it. Adding flavor to the d*ick probably isn’t going to make you less nauseous or make you not want to gag, cause no matter what you put on their, you still know the d*ck is there. I have actually found that lubes and food products make giving head worse, rather than better and that is when I am more likely to gag. Some people just are not into certain aspects of sex, and nothing will change that, but good luck to her and her bf.
Bertram
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
A surefire bad BJ is the one a person isn’t interested in giving. Guys can totally tell when a girl is just ‘phoning in’ a BJ and it bad for everyone involved AND won’t lead to a finish anytime soon. If you really want to over your hurdles and get more comfortable with it, talk to him about what he likes. Your technique might not be what turns him on at all (in short you might just be doing it wrong). But if you are not that interested and can’t get that comfortable with it just stop. If it really doesn’t matter to him he won’t miss it all.
Colinboudreaux
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
If she’s not into it, she’s not into it and it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you like a girl, you aren’t going to leave her for that. Most ladies give BJs when you are being romantical with them; however, only a few do it really well and many shouldn’t even bother.
SCRMOM
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
Since she is so anxious about it, she could give him a hand job with her face in/near his genitals. She could use her mouth for part of the time - she can dictate to what extent she’s comfortable with this. If she doesn’t feel the pressure of having to give a mind-blowing bj, she might relax and not feel so nervous about it. As she gets more experience with this, she might use her mouth more and hand less.
MissBliss
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
Great ideas from all of the commenters and in the article, too. I feel like giving someone oral sex is the highest compliment you can pay to that person. So, maybe a switch in your brain - try thinking about this as a show of high affection. As I read on another website, giving a man a b.j. is the opposite of rejection. It is a signal to him that you really really like him. Maybe if she can switch that thinking in her mind, it will help her to give him this nice gift… to worship is penis orally… I mean, it doesn’t get much better then that.
WE are offering our very first oral sex class in San Jose because it is such a touchy subject.
Queen Frostine
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
She might just be going down too far. She could start with just the tip, or run her tongue long the base, shaft and below. Lube is good, but another idea is candy flavored body dust and feather duster. It’s like licking a giant pixy stick.
Claireific
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
I second trying out a lubeless, flavored condom. I hate giving BJs too, and a big part of it is the taste - my boyfriend’s precum and spunk taste awful.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
If a guy is in love with you it’s nothing to fret over. Try a lubed hand job, or Queen Frostine’s advice…just a little ticklish lick. It’s all good.
Sexy kisses are a huge turn on anyway. And, if you really want to rev his motor just remember…he has tits too! Suck on those. Man! I’m turning myself on!
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
I second what bethlynn said
jambadreamer07
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 06:35 pm: [report]
Just lick it a lot and use your hands at the same time. Deep throating is not the only way to give head.
Laurel
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:55 pm: [report]
@SCRMOM, just what I was going to suggest!
Also, I’d recommend trying to psych herself up for it a little. When you’re going down on him (I agree, with him lying down is best so you can control the pace/depth), touch yourself. Think about how big, hard, smooth (whatever) his penis is. Think about how hot it is when he’s hard under clothes, fantasize about someone/something you fancy. If you can get yourself worked up about other things, it helps you (or at least it helps me) get into something you aren’t always going to love.
develange
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
Seems as though the gag reflex can be largely mental. If you’re thinking/worrying about gagging, it’s going to happen. Likewise if the thought of BJ disgusts you. I gag at least once every time I give a BJ, but breathing and focus can make it less likely, or at least less unpleasant.
Agree with Wueen Frostine. You don’t necessarily have to put it in your mouth. I’m sure tongue and hands will feel nice. Ask him what will get him off. If he’s really into face #&@$%, you may have a larger problem at hand…
onewriter
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:12 am: [report]
I used to hate it…I love doing my SO because I care very much for him and he loves what I do. I feel bad for the women who aren’t into it. And if it tastes bad, he’s probably drinking or otherwise ingesting something that sours it. Since my SO started drinking again, wine though, he does taste different, but I can tell you it ain’t like beer…yuk. so, if you really care for him, do it. one way or another. he’ll appreciate the effort. even if it’s not perfect
MetryJen
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 06:27 am: [report]
If he’s tasting nasty, you may want to get him eating mangos and pineapples, and cutting out stuff like asparagus and beer.
I second the motions of those who suggested the hand job with the occasional head kiss, it’s effectively the same thing as a good blow job - you’re showing it some one on one attention, but without all the gagging.
stiffinp
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 06:54 am: [report]
I always shower before sex, and she takes a bath, so its more enjoyable for us. Beyond that we mix positions now and then. No problem.
esmee
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
i’m surprised by all the guys saying that no bj’s isn’t a dealbreaker…i would have thought it would be. it certainly would be for me. (but i’m a girl)
SCRMOM
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
@esmee: This site is the only place where I’ve read that some guys aren’t into receiving bj’s. It’s an inside joke among my friends and I about what our husbands will let us get away with for giving them regular bj’s.
Loves2Spooge
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
No, it’s not a deal breaker, but there have to be a lot of other positives tipping the scale.
BedRocka
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
If she won’t do it .. he gon’ find a girl that does it on the side so better learn!
sparklestar
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]
I read this out to my boyfriend and he laughed SO MUCH. Well, we both did. If she doesn’t like giving BJ’s then there could be a whole complex host of reasons why!
She needs to take it one step at a time and try not to force anything. I personally think that if I’d ever tried to use a flavoured condom it would have put me off them for life.
I’ve found that with guys I trust I will give them willingly but with guys I don’t or if the relationship isn’t going too well then I’ll be far more reserved. Example - my boyfriend gets at least one a week, my previous maybe got one a YEAR.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]
@esmee
Definitely not a dealbreaker or even something to cause a pause for me. I’d much rather my partner join me in coming up with some other creative and kinky ideas for the bedroom. =)
Visolela
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
Okay lots of good advice up above - and as always it really depends on the parties involved. She should ask herself what about it is making her gag and feel sick before she can apply any of above advice.
If it is the smell - bathing works wonders but having a guy that is trimmed and not sporting a forest also reduces the amount of sweat that is collected & keeps from getting hair in your mouth. I’ve done a brisk swish with Listerine (spit it ALL OUT before going to business just THINK about that burning >_<) or some other mouth wash because it overwhelms any other smell/taste for the good part & by the time it wears off who cares? you’re having too much fun anyway
About the taste - learn to like it. Yes there are things he can do (& so can you!!) to influence your particular flavor - however going from a base line of “normal” if you can LEARN to like beer & coffee and all those other things you didn’t care for as a kid, really? you can’t figure out how to convince yourself to like this?
Ex-BF of mine said that he preferred my hands over my mouth - which honestly always made me feel like I must have been doing something really wrong - I have since learned it was because he was uncomfortable with it. He didn’t ever return the favor btw - and honestly knowing how uncomfortable he was about that part of my body made me self conscious and not want him to. I would have settled for him LOOKING at mine. Maybe that can be your next article - what to do with an insecure man in the sack.
draymond
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
My earlier comment apparently was removed as being too graphic. So I will try a more discreet version.
If the writer says she is gagging it may be because she is trying a porn-style bj. Like most things in porn bj’s are done based on how they look too the camera rather than how they feel to the participants. Having anything rapidly rammed to the back of your mouth is supposed to make you gag! Duh!
Guy Secret: The main special thing about getting a bj is that it allows you to lie back and be completely passive both physically and decision-making wise. Most sex acts don’t allow that for the guy.
So just have him lie back while you get really creative and expressive about how to pamper and stimulate his package and trust me he won’t be counting the number of seconds it is actually in your mouth.
Taking this approach will also permit a gradual incrasing familiarity of oral contact, starting with kissing and licking around the thighs and abdomen, then up the shaft, then just the very tip, then…oh what the heck might as well go for it! And when it comes to that, a good technique for the easily gagged is to have your hands do the stroking of the shaft while the lips and mouth just work the head. With that method nothing need come further into your mouth than his tongue would in a deep french kiss.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]
I have a pretty bad gag reflex too. I’ve checked online, and there are products that are supposed to help with that. I haven’t bought one yet, so I don’t know if/how well they work though. I do agree that part of the gag reflex is mental, but I think that using a product that is designed to alleviate the issue may help with that. Even if it doesn’t really do anything, it may help if you think it will. Like a placebo.
bettyboo
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]
i think the fact that you’re giving him/his cock your full attention is probably going to be alot more important to him that stunning pornstar deepthroat technique.. My advice is, start when he’s still flacid.. a) cos he’ll be much smaller so not so daunting, and b) you get to make him hard.. i find it very sexy to go down on my BF when he’s still floppy as you can see exactly how you’re turning him on and feel him grow in your mouth or watch at close range (very sexy when you know that you made it do that.. ;0)) .. it doesn;t have to be all about sucking, kiss his cock and balls, lick them, stroke them, blow on them, nuzzle them with your lips, squeeze them between your boobs and lick the tip as it appears, stroke your nipples across his cock and balls, just use your imagination and go with the flow and he’ll love it cos he’s getting all the attention and you’re showing how much you love and lust after him.. you could probably do most or all of these things without even tasting precum if the taste of it is an issue. if you’re happy to go a bit further then just licking the tip and taking that into your mouth willmake him a very happy boy, and remember that just cos it starts as a bj it doesn’t have to end that way, once you’ve enjoyed making him grow theres no reason not to jump on and enjoy the fruits of your labour.. :0) (and girl on top has the same, he can lie back and enjoy benefits with the added bonus of being able to see your boobs jiggle and place with your bits.. ;0) )
cooldad
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 06:09 pm: [report]
Not a dealbreaker, but sex life would be kind of depressing without. Nothing like being woken up in the a.m. with one.
In any case, bettyboo has hit on all the points - in great detail (ok, i’m jealous) - but agree that it doesn’t have to go in to the mouth to be toe curling. ice cream & cubes work wonders as well
stiffinp
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 07:54 pm: [report]
Bettyboo, you’re giving me a hard-on.
I am in that category where a bj is a must, but I enjoy the attention. Course for all I know, i’ve never had a blow-your-mind bj.
I also want my partner to enjoy the sweet endings, so I eat chocolate, after all we are what we eat!
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
i take pleasure in giving my lady pleasure. if “it” was a sports drink flavor, i would not buy it, but i like it while im doing it. focus less on what youre doing, and more on how hes feeling. maybe youll be able to push the parts ur not into out of your mind.
Perceptible
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]
@MuchoMacho, excellent point! I agree completely.
stiffinp
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:59 pm: [report]
My apologies! I meant to say I am in that category where a bj is NOT a must. I guess I didn’t proofread my statement.
onewriter
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
freudian slip? lol
stiffinp
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:25 pm: [report]
Yeeehhhhh. No lol!
onewriter
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:29 pm: [report]
xxx I think it’s funny, no worries.
Shannon Day
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 08:02 pm: [report]
I work hard to be better at the bj’s for my husband. I like them, I know he likes them and its a turn on knowing I make him feel so good. To assist the original poster, try him laying on his back and you do your thing while he touches you. It makes it so much better. Almost a 69, but not quite. HIs ‘spunk’ doesn’t taste that great either, which is why I just put it as far back as possible and then swallow.
condomelite1
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]
Gag Reflex? Try “Comfortably Numb Deep Throat Spray” by Pipedreams. It really works, brings flavor to your mouth and supresses gag reflex.
http://condomelite.com/condoms/2009/02/19/comfortably-numb-deep-throat-spray/
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
comment sections have spam in them? is that new? how tacky…
retro chic
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]
@mucho: fyi, condomelite (under various names) has been around for a long time, leaves relevant posts, and hasn’t been hurting anyone, unlike some other spammers that have come and gone.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
complaint withdrawn. thanks.
saucywench
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
Nothing beats giving my man that pleasure…absolutely nothing! It turns him on, it totally turns me on and the rewards (for me) are amazing!
I have also made some nights all about him (during that time of the month) and omg wow…I felt like a warrior princess afterwards! LOL
I just realllllly love it
onewriter
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
my thoughts exactly
SCRMOM
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
@saucywench: While I can agree with your comments, I’m not an altruist so I do expect him to return the favors, as well. Yes, I’m a woman/warrior princess and hear me roar, but that roar had better come from my pleasure, as well. I hope you don’t expect less, either.
ciarabug
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:19 pm: [report]
do what i do, and trade it for him changing your oil :p.
just kidding. i mean, not entirely—i did actually do that. but i fairly enjoy doing it (although i have never once been able to swallow. i don’t feed him period blood, why should i be expected to ingest reproductive juices?) and do it pretty often for nothing in return (besides, of course, the extra action it often leads to afterward!
)
40yrolddad
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:48 pm: [report]
while I’ve never had this EXACT problem I, too, have a sensitive gag reflex that’s used to perturb dentists, hygienists, doctors, etc. they all told me if I kept breathing through my nose while something’s in the back of my throat it wouldn’t happen. it wasn’t until I had sinus surgery to correct deviated septum that I could flow enough air for this to actually work but I haven’t had a problem since - maybe what she actually needs is a trip to an ENT?
40yrolddad
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 04:54 pm: [report]
& BTW, if I’m right there’s a lot more potentially serious side effects to major sinus issues than not being able to deep-throat…
saucywench
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:27 pm: [report]
@scrmom - of course I expect that he gives back the pleasure, and he does in spades! What did you think I meant by the rewards I get in return
He is hornier, grateful and oh so willing to please! AND he lasts forever - he likes that I dont *please to completion* most of the time…I prefer to take to the edge and back a few times, heightens the excitement for both of us. 
I am 42 and this relationship (sexually speaking) is by far the most gratifying, exciting and mutually pleasurable I have had. And he really does make me feel like a warrior princess
Hilary
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 06:54 pm: [report]
I hated doing it for my ex…but my current boyfriend - I ABSOLUTELY love doing it and I don’t know what the difference is. I just really do. I give him blow jobs whenever I can.
It’s great and such a turn on!
Dikastes
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]
It’s nice to see the dental dam getting some love. I’ve never had the chance to use one, but I think it’s something that should be brought up more often. It’s almost as important as the condom.
condomelite1
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 10:29 pm: [report]
I can’t agree more. You can have a lot of fun with it. It comes in different colors and flavors too.
Larry
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 01:07 am: [report]
It is good to hear that some women just don’t ever like it. My wife hates it - obviously more than a little disappointing. Pick my battles elsewhere I guess.
condomelite1
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
@Larry Does she like it the other way around? Maybe 69? I just guessing….