Doin’ It With Dr. V: What To Do When He Can’t Get It Up
Posted by: Dr. V
Filed in:
sex
7:00AM, Monday July 13th 2009
This week, I got an email from a lady who’s having a hard time getting her man up for sex. Here’s what she wrote:
“My boyfriend didn’t even get an erection when I was topless, underneath him, kissing him! He is under a lot of stress, but so am I. When we do have, usually scheduled, sex, it is amazing, very intimate and passionate. But I’m a very sexual person, it is part of my nature, I want some quantity as well as quality. Now he wants me to go ‘cold turkey’ until he ‘sorts his head out.’ He does recognize the problem, but doesn’t offer any solutions. He is a wonderful boyfriend and truly loves me. What do I do?”
As a woman, all we have to physically do to prepare for sex is show up and spread ‘em. It’s really easy to feel completely powerless when you’re doing your part, but he just can’t seem to get in position. Some blame whiskey, some blame condoms, some blame nerves, some blame erectile dysfunction, but no matter the cause of the problem, it’s not your fault. It happens to every dude at some point. That siad, you do have options to bring the mood back up, even when he’s down.
- Put On A Show: You know your man loves to watch you touch yourself. Take care of your own business.
- Cool Vibe: Grab a sex toy. If he’s down, he can use if on you or you can combine #1 and #2 and put on a vibe show. Warning: Some dudes will be hurt if you bring in a substitute schlong. So, please, before you bust out your battery operated boy, make sure he’s OK with sex toy play. Also, instead of a stunt prick, you could just use a clitoris specific, non-phallic looking vibrator. That might be the middle ground you both can enjoy.
- Just Keep Making Out: You don’t have to roll over. Just because he can’t put it in you doesn’t mean you have to give up on the moment. Keep on kissing and don’t stop ‘til you get enough.
- Another Kind Of Hand Job: A relaxing massage is the perfect antidote for a tense moment. Let him lie down and go to town touching him.
The key to any of these is to have no expectations for his wang because it could be down for the count. You don’t want to turn one night into a lifetime of insecurities. Don’t get frustrated, act all rejected, or get pushy. Don’t try to start a conversation about what’s going wrong with your sexy times. Don’t keep stroking or sucking it — frankly, don’t head down there at all unless he tells you he’s ready to bone. If this is a recurring problem, he should see a doctor. But remember, above all, his lift-ability isn’t about you. So, reassure him and stay chill. If you don’t make it into a thang, it won’t be.
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too!
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sparklestar
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 07:22 am: [report]
It sounds like there are bigger issues than just their sex life. I’d recommend couples counselling and for goodness sake don’t take your clothes off in front of him otherwise it would be quite close to rape !!!!!!
maroon
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 07:29 am: [report]
scheduled sex? needs a time out to “sort out his problem”? sounds like he could get it up just fine…with someone else
Naneenya
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 07:50 am: [report]
@maroon - I thought the same thing.
From my personal experience: I was with a guy for years and we seemed to have the perfect relationship - except for the sex. Suddenly, we weren’t doing it anymore - he wasn’t in the mood and he “didn’t know why”. Excuse after excuse after excuse (making me feel horrible about my “sexual attraction”) Turns out, he was doing quite well at stickin’ it in someone else the whole time.
If it is erectile problems, then that’s something that can be taken care of. But if the writer is anything like me, she could be making light of a deeper issue, trying to mask the doubts that are there in her mind - she knows there’s another problem there but is trying to do everything under the sun to fix the “surface”. Just an assumption…
bogart4017
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]
Tell him what you want, give him a certain amount of time to get his head together and if he doesnt——bounce. You need to be with a man whose desire for sex is as strong as yours.
angelspinning
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]
I have to say, the responses sound pretty selfish and untrusting. It’s perfectly reasonable for someone to be depressed and therefore not be able to become sexually aroused. If you can’t stop jumping your boyfriend for a few weeks to help him not feel pressured and get his head back in order, maybe it’s you that needs the therapy.
retro chic
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
Uh, yeah. He’s busy elsewhere. He said nothing to indicate he’s even interested in sex with her—“doesn’t offer any solutions,” says to go “cold turkey?” Those are parting words. My SOs managed to get it together with broken limbs, serious illness, jet lag, 2 jobs, back-to-back work shifts, etc, if they really wanted me—and did.
wonder_bread
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
@ Hababaluga i agree he may just need a moment.. i wouldn’t take it personal he doesn’t have any suggestion on how to fix the issue he’s already under stress.. just give him time. if you can’t or won’t be patient with him then maybe you are just being selfish… try putting yourself in his shoes. how would you want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot?
im not saying its wrong for you to want to have your needs met but try being a littl more understanding and patient with him… you only need to be concern if after a duration of time he doesn’t seem interested in having sex with you at all.
wonder_bread
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]
and to just peg him as possibly cheating on you is just not fair.. it may have happened to others and what seems like most of the ppl responding but i would suggest not bringing distrust into the relationship with out some real proof first… because being accused of cheating or foul-play is enough to kill anyones boner
ChoJinn
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
The general lack of info in the woman message probably obviate all this speculation. There are two sides to every story - maybe she put on 25lbs, maybe she sucks, maybe (insert unsexy characteristic). Though him suggesting they go cold turkey = he’s not into her anymore, probably. That or perhaps she is just super-naggy, pestering to the point where she is forced to submit emails to anonymous email sexual advice providers….wait a minute!
No Bozos
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
Although we’re always accused of thinking with the wrong head, it’s the one in the skull that’s really in charge.
I like the advice and really recommend the massage. Not erotic at first. After all, relieving stress will help get the mind on matters at hand.
Even when I was wearing stainless steel underwear at work, my wife could always take me away to our own world with a good massage.
sunhwa
wrote on July 26 2009 @ 05:32 pm: [report]
Whole lot of mean going on here. Don’t give a hoot what happened in your various pasts if you’re going to give mean advice. Respect the man. Simple as that.
Take a housewife fatigued from childcare all day. Man come home horny and she plays along, just a little, but ultimately says no she’s not into it. Later on she starts saying no in advance before he gets too worked up. Every lady here would demand he be considerate. Then you flip on the dudes and offer bitter advice.
Yes it’s an advice forum. But really just straighten up and ask yourself and ask him. Two people are what counts more than ever from reading these answers.
Also, remember you can’t apologize for certain things, so if you showed outright selfishness already (or added more elements than he can address: put focus on his potential cheating, or your looks – essentially everything except love and just sharing time, naked at peace) then you’ll have to show consistent love and loyalty to convince him you’re legit to love again.
As a man that hasn’t had this once, not even once, the days is bound to come. But if my lady were to have a complete melt-down or started to a week later (which she wouldn’t) I’d be watching her with serious interest, “What’s wrong with HER?” It’s not that hard if you remember respect and kindness. It’ll come back to you, or you’ll be able to hold your head up with self-respect. Best of luck.