Doin’ It With Dr. V: How To Protect Your Hoo-Ha
Posted by: Dr. V
Filed in:
sex
9:30AM, Monday April 13th 2009
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…
After blathering on and on about anal sex, herpes sores, and stanky vajayjay’s, I, Dr. V, am going to say something that will really shock you! I have never, ever had sex without a condom. Ever. Not even once.
Okay, a guy has snuck his tip in, but I’m like a ninja about that kind of sneak attack. Now, I might be bad at sports, but I can knock out a home run if he’s headed near the ballpark in my crotch without a condom on. It’s my sixth sense—safe sex. Frankly, I just have no appetite for an unwrapped piece of candy. The only thing I’ve managed to save for marriage is condomless sex, which I hope will make it all the sweeter. If a guy wants the right to potentially risk my health, he’s gotta put a ring on it! And I know a lot of you will say that sex just doesn’t feel good with a condom on, but I can assure you, my sex is very sexy. You know what isn’t?
1. Gonorrhea
2. Panicking that the last dude you did might have left you a party favor.
3. Chlamydia
4. A man who doesn’t respect you enough to protect you.
5. Screaming in pain while peeing.
6. Herpes
7. Trying to pay back medical bills.
8. HIV/AIDS
9. Unwanted pregnancy
10. Syphilis
11. Begging for an emergency gyno visit.
12. Having to tell someone they need to get tested because you just got your results back.
Despite humping hunks with a lot of those bummers, I’ve avoided almost all of them (‘cept 2 & 11) with one simple thing—and you can too! It’s called a condom. That’s it. I’m not a superhero. In fact, I’m a total slut who does what feels good. And ain’t nothin’ gonna cramp my style! So, while I’m laid back about what I do with my vagina and heart, my health is a another story. Even though I’m a total bottom, there’s one thing I’m on top of—protection.
Now, some guys will complain. They’ll bitch, whine, and moan about it being too tight for their giant penis or too big for their little Thumbkin, but there isn’t a peen out there that the right size condom can’t hold. Trust me, I’ve found a match for every man.
If a guy promises he’ll pull out, I tell him I’m not on birth control. Besides, the pull and pray method doesn’t work—29 percent wind up getting pregnant.
If he swears on his mother’s life that he’s Mr. Clean, I tell him I don’t know if I am. How can he be that sure? Although I always use a condom, and I get tested every six months, that’s not foolproof. Condoms are merely the safest bet. Then, I take the opportunity to badger him about his last STD test. Did you know gonorrhea and chlamydia are on the rise? And often they don’t show symptoms, which only makes them more problematic. What girl wants to have a C-section just because she screwed a dude without a condom and got gonorrhea back in the day, long before she ever got pregs?
If he tells you that he can put it in your butt to prevent pregnancy, and that you don’t need a condom, he’s dead wrong. Remind him that he still needs to put on a love glove because you can still get all those STDs in the pooper. In fact, because the area is so sensitive, you have a greater chance of catching something nasty going through the back door.
And age ain’t nothin’ but a number. One in four teens has an STD. Even cases among senior citizens are on the rise. No one is safe, unless, well, they have safe sex!
Even if it’s just one hot night, before we even get down and dirty, I tell a dude upfront, he’s gotta cover it before we kick it! I don’t even open the door for sex until he knows the law of my lady land. Sure, putting on a condom can be a drag, but it doesn’t have to put a pause on your sexy times. You can slip the condom on him. Use your hands or your mouth to slide it on. Work it, girl! Even if you have unprotected sex once, someone can stick it to you foreva-eva. Better to be safe than sorry! So, here I am, during STD Awareness Month, begging you, baby, to take care of your business, protect your assets, and party on. All you need is love a condom!
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RachelSmiles
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]
love love love this. thank you so much for posting this!
Simosa
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
You rock Dr. V!
lilo
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
This is a great post. You make safe sex sexy, Dr. V!
Mia
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
If a guy promises he’ll pull out, I tell him I’m not on birth control. Besides, the pull & pray method doesn’t work—29% of ladies who think it will, wind up getting pregnant.
HAHAHAH! This is true. I tell all my girlfriends this, and I’m four months preggo! =)
40yrolddad
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
I’m a guy (duh) & I can say w/100% honesty that my wife is the only person I ever have w/o one (though I will admit we did a couple of times before we were married but were basically living together/not quite engaged by then). I had a close friend who was gay & very active (bordering on militant) in HIV education/prevention (he was negative, just had lots of friends not so lucky) so he kind of burned it into me while I was a freshman in college (plus always had an unlimited free supply through his org :D). I also contracted for an HIV+ boss (who I met through my friend) right out of college & was in many meetings w/him when his watch beeped for him to take meds. sadly this was ‘91 so the drugs weren’t nearly as good back then so I also ended up attending his funeral a couple of yrs later. I know it’s little consolation to his friends/family but if nothing else his death made sure I never did anything stupid (sexually anyway - not so smart w/a bunch of other stuff)...
pornqueen
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
I like the statement of saving no-condom-sex for marriage. It still counts as significant, doesn’t it? At least that’s what I’m doing. That’s like giving my man my virginity. I am all about safe sex. I carry some in my purse just in case the guy doesn’t. They might think I’m a slut/whore but I’m glad to say I’m a “u better-put-a-wrapper-on-it” kind of slut/whore than “a-you-gave-what??!!” slut/whore. Besides, if the guy doesn’t want to use a condom, then I don’t want to “use” him. Period. This article was a great one!
stormygirl
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 11:20 pm: [report]
I love this post! all of the young women should read this and remember that it only takes just one time to either wind up pregnant or wind up with one of those unwanted party favors. always protect yourself!
lovelygirl
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 02:44 am: [report]
wow…great! thanks so much for offering it. I have emailed your post to my friends on the std community site positivefishes.com. I think they can get some useful information !
juliePS
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 05:36 am: [report]
THANK YOU SO MUCH for this post, especially after that horrible, nauseating “but I waaaaaant to have unprotected sex! wah!” ‘article’ a few months back.
The first guy I ever had unprotected sex with gave me chlamydia as a going-away present, so um, yeah. I don’t use condoms with my current boyfriend, but it’s monogamous, super-serious, and I’m on one of the most effective forms of birth control known to man (Mirena IUD ftw!).
I’m glad to hear a common-sense approach.
jojo32
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 08:08 am: [report]
I feel like cutting this article out, laminating it and locking it up so that I can save it for my daughter. Thank God she’s waaayyyy too young to have to worry about this stuff right now, but as I’ve been learning, time flies! I often wonder how I will be able to stress the importance of this issue with her when the time is right. I love your straight-forward and funny approach. I hope you are still around 10 years from now when I will probably have to broach the subject with her. Yikes! 10 years! Please God, no sooner than that.
greenmona011
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]
great article, for u sex-lovers adventurers. but for those of you that are commited & would like to have sex w/ out a condom & not be on the pill & not get preggo, I recommend VCF (aka Viginal Contraceptive Film). I love this, its safe, well when you know your guy. I’ve been w/ my boyfriend, now fiance, for 2 1/2yrs =), & there has been no surprises we are not ready for just yet…Keep it safe girls!!!
Fast Eddie
wrote on April 16 2009 @ 06:34 am: [report]
Actually wearing a rubber gives me more control. We were able to archive simultaneous orgasms. Alas I was younger then, but a condom would have deprived me of getting the clap and take my word for it the symptoms and cure are NO FUN at all. Don’t be shy guys, you can get off and even an extended jackpot while wearing a raincoat.
katnohat
wrote on April 16 2009 @ 08:08 am: [report]
@ jojo32
I swear I’m printing this for my son! Moms and Dads: the sex ed needs to be pounded into the boys’ brains, too!
misspixie
wrote on April 16 2009 @ 09:24 am: [report]
I used to have a real go at people at uni when they told me they’d had unprotected sex - why risk your health and other people’s? If you’re gonna sit at the grown ups table…
danijerzygirl
wrote on April 18 2009 @ 04:42 pm: [report]
what about oral sex and std’s - how yucky do you think Gonorrhea looks on your face.
Whoopingcrane
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 06:54 pm: [report]
OK, I appreciate your insistence on safe sex at all costs, but I’m surprised by your self-proclaimed “slut” status and that you haven’t been picked up by some whack job and been physically abused or worse - yet. Sorry. I’m a guy and absolutely not a prude but I really would be careful out there, Dr. V.