Doin’ It With Dr. V: Questioning The Queef
Posted by: Dr. V
Filed in:
sex
2:30PM, Friday May 29th 2009
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. And please, if you have a question, email me. You know I love to read your smut too! Now, let’s get this party started.
This week, I got a letter from a gal who’s been making a lot of noise in bed….involuntarily. In her freestylin’ naked time, she’s become her own queef beat box. Pfft, pfbtbtbt, pfft. But unfortunately, it’s messing up the sexy flow with her boyfriend. So, I’m going to give this hottie a helping hand on how to play off and prevent a vag fart.
“I can’t stop queefing when I have sex with my BF. It has happened before a few times with other men, but with this guy, it’s EVERY TIME. It’s so awkward. The sex is good, but there’s no recovering from a fart of any kind. I’m sick of explaining that the noise was just from my vag. It’s happening so much, I don’t think he believes me. What am I doing wrong?”
Actually, you’re doing everything right. Before you go dissing your toots, hear this: the hotter, harder and more playful positions you get in, the more likely you are to queef.
Now, a queef is caused by the air that gets sucked into a place that usually doesn’t have any. Your vagina is not a wind tunnel, you know? When you change your body position, a gap in your own gap can cause your vagina to vacuum up air. When something besides the air, like your boyfriend’s penis, wants to take up space inside you, well, it pushes the air out and that’s the funky sound you hear.
When you do let one rip, there’s only one thing to do: laugh! Don’t get try to play it off like it didn’t happen if his face is giving you the “Did you just fart on my dick?” look. Feel free to be funny and admit it was your hoo-ha honking at him. I’ve found in these situations, dirty talking something like, “You’re doing me so hard…” only makes an awkward situation weirder.
Look, queefs happen. But here are some tips to help prevent them as best you can:
- Take It Real Slow: Take some time slipping his dick in. Don’t just hop on in.
- Stay In: When changing positions, don’t pull out. Keep it in deep. But be careful with his peen, you don’t want to break it!
- Heads Up: Avoid any position where your legs and hips are in the air…yeah good luck with that. Handstands or upside down bicycle peddling is good exercise, but bad for queefage.
- Dog Pound: The only doggystyle you wanna make some noise for is Snoop Dogg’s record. Sadly, but truly, the position you will most likely queef from is when you get down on all fours with your ass up, head down, and legs spread. Ugh, puh-lease, Dr. V wouldn’t give this deep dickin’ position up for anything. I say, queef proudly and loudly! But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
MissChaotic
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]
Tell him that he pulled a Drake by making your p*ssy whistle.
Bad Breakup
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
- “Did you just fart on my dick?”
Oh I LOL’ed way too hard at that. Made worse by the fact that I’m at work…
The only position I’ve ever encountered this “problem” with is in the above mention doggy style. And fellas, don’t make a big deal about it. The first time it happened to my gf, we both just laughed it off without missing a beat. Now that I’ve read this, I know I must have been doing something right! Just remember, it doesn’t have to be embarassing if you don’t let it be.
fallenangel915
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
A mature man won’t trip about a queef and will most likely laugh along with you while he slides it back in! Like Dr V said, doggy style is too damned good to give up over some damned air!
Tigerlilly
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
LMAO! This is the most hilarious article ever! It’s a great way to lighten up a seriously mortifying topic.
Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
I agree with Tigerlilly. Hilarious :D
GAgirlinNYC
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:18 pm: [report]
So the second time EVER of having sex with my boyfriend, something bad happened. We were spooning and all of a sudden he pulled it out- getting ready for a position change- and slapped my ass cheek. The LOUDEST and longest queef I have ever heard followed. Seriously, it was probably 10 seconds long.
I was mortified! Thankfully, our eyes met and we both cracked up. We laughed so hard that we ended up not even finishing sex, but cuddling and giggling. A terrible experience ended up being beneficial for our relationship actually! Moral of the story: if you want a little forced bonding, let your vajayjay do all the talking.
Goldfinch86
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 08:15 am: [report]
Every time this happens to me my boyfriend and I laugh. I remember the first time I was so mortified just like GAgirlinNYC said “Our eyes met and we both cracked up”. You need to have a sense of humor in bed, it will make things better especially if you can’t get into a new position your trying or fall off the bed during sex.
flooze
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 11:37 am: [report]
Where was the internet years and years ago when this first happened to me!! I almost died, literally. I had no idea what had happened!! I noticed when you are really hot and heavy (wet), the room is hot (sweaty, wet) lots of position changes, and vigorous thrusting (hot, wet) makes for a deadly combo. When it happened again recently with a new guy, I just stopped and said, “You do know that didnt come out of my butt, right???”
pornqueen
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
I agree with everyone here, just laugh it off. If the guy can’t/won’t laugh it off, show him to the door. Doggy style, I’m not giving that up for no air. Like Dr. V said, start out really slow and then pick up the pace, then when he’s ready to pull out or change position, have him either keep it in or remove it really, really slow. Changing positions while the dick is inside is considered highly risky and should only be attempted by trained and experienced professionals, LOL.
kimberwolf
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
early in our relationship, my boyfriend and i tried having sex in the shower for the first time. holy queefage!!! it happened with every thrust - mortified, i started laughing and he (and his) decided to quit, thinking i was laughing at him. :( no matter how much consoling and explaining i tried, there was no going back. tho our sex and communication skills have greatly improved since then, we still are gunshy in the shower…sigh.
bogart4017
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]
Its natural—-nothing at all to be mortified about. I learned this at age 14 so i guess i was ahead of the curve. jut keep the rhythm.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]
awww. I wish I had such good experience with the queef.
I had a really bad one, I took my bf to vegas with me and we got drunk, started making out heavily, having sex at a really fast pace, then all of a sudden he starts going down on me and lifts my legs really high while putting his mouth on my crotch, right at that very moment i queefed, in his mouth. Great, just great I thought. His first words were, Whataf*ck? I could just see it in his eyes, he’s thinking, Did she just fart in my mouth? I felt soooooo embarassed I didnt even want to explain about the air, and the vagina, and the penis, and I swear its not a fart. After that, it had been about a year that he didnt go down on me until I broke up with him, and he said, I’ll do anything, I’ll go down on you (like if its a bad thing) bastard! That made me kick his aS$ out the door even more. I don’t blame him anymore, he’s ignorant, what can he do? Hope his hand doesn’t queef on him ... haha sucker.
Plunk88
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]
mmm…maybe I’m just perverted, but as a healthy hetero-sexual male, a well voiced queef is a form of positive re-inforcement, an affirmation of a job well done.
It isn’t humorous. It shouldn’t embarassing. And it certainly isn’t repulsive.
Let your queefs fly where they may and be free outmoded Puritanism. Every time a pussy sings an Angel gets its wings.
Bamber16
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 08:54 pm: [report]
I can queef on command and my bf thinks its funny…i think lol..it happens..don’t freak
jojo32
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
OMG Dr. V’s original article made me laugh but the comments have me just crying with laughter. Oh that was good stuff.
@ Kimberwolf - holy queefage! LMAO!!!!! I think I peed a little when I read that.
annasbetter
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 02:07 pm: [report]
it’s a kind of ‘what goes up must come down’ scenario. ‘what goes in must come out’.
i have been married 1 year and with my husband for 5 years. i JUST recently started farting in front of him. i’ve been queefing it up since the beginning.
it’s always afterwards anyway. what - he can fart, but i can’t queef? (que the queefing southpark episode).
cid15
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
Queefing is funny! That’s all you gotta do is laugh about it, don’t stress out!
lepetiteamie
wrote on June 8 2009 @ 12:41 am: [report]
LMAO @ Plunk88
“Everytime a pussy sings, an angel gets its wings”..Hahah!
Everytime I have queefed it’s been during or on the edge of an orgasm. Frigging weird but fortunately at a time where I didn’t give flying f where the air was coming from. Hilarious though. The first time, it was a big-O/queefy combo where I nearly died and so did he. It was like a big, mental pussy spasm and release. He laughed and looked proud of himself, I was dazed yet semi-embaressed.
bethylane
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
second LMAO @ Plunk88: Let your queefs fly where they may
bahahahaha!!
My nickname has always been “Beef” and as if that isn’t bad enough, in high school a few guys started calling me “Beefer the Queefer” (however I hadn’t slept with anyone at that point, so the claim was NOT backed up.)
I don’t think my guy is bothered when it happens, and yeah it usually happens after a position change and after some reeeally nice sex, and we’re both in too much of a dizzy stupor to give a sh*t.
Plunk88
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
As previously stated, a healthy sustained Queef is perceived by the male ego as a"pat on the back…acknowledgment of a job well done”.
There’s three levels of Queefage:
1. The position change queef
2. The MUTUALLY vigorous act of penetration queef…
and my favorite
3. Uncontrollable spasmodic vaginal farting during intense deep orgasm queef
Its kind of a like a successful house party…they never are truly successful until someone calls the cops.
Any sex is good sex, but sex that threatens the status quo? That’s LENGENDARY sex, and always the benchmark to shoot for.
Believe me, if you really want to feed the male ego, perfect the art of queefing on demand….and if your lover freaks over queefs, its time to change partners in the square dance of life. Do-si-do your ass out of that one.
Plunk88
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 02:09 pm: [report]
Correction: LEGENDARY
boogienights
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 11:04 pm: [report]
rofl. “‘Did you just fart on my dick?’ look.”
i, as a guy, have experienced this w/ women and find it completely natural and funny.
i always try to let her know its completely understandable and usually i just go along w/ the flow w/ out missing a beat.
dnt wry ladies, if a guy knows what’s up, he will be happy ur honkin’ away as a tribute to the good times being had
Nevaeh
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 01:57 am: [report]
Did anyone see the South Park episode on queefing? It’s one of the episodes this season it was hilarious!!
mkldus3
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 03:49 am: [report]
As a male, I feel honored when my wife queefs during sex. It makes me feel like I’m working her over real good and sexing her up.
Lapdancelover
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 10:12 pm: [report]
I have a concern, me and my girl had sex, and whilst having sex, she was queefing like crazy. As a guy with some experience, i know queefs are perfectly normal but i even had to calm her down and be like babe it’s cool, this happens all the time and i had to make her laugh about it. But my concern is, does this mean my dick is too small for her or sumthing? cuz her ex is fatter than me, but we have same length. he’s dick is just fatter than mine. Does that mean i’m too small for her?
_jsw_
wrote on August 9 2009 @ 08:50 am: [report]
@Lapdancelover: Take a plunger and push it up and down in a toilet. Now do the same with a straw. Note that the plunger makes more noise. So no, the issue isn’t one of size difference (and no, I’m not trying to imply the size difference is anything like that, just that being narrower doesn’t make the situation worse). Whatever your technique is, it’s pushing more air into there, and that’s causing it. Maybe you’re pulling all the way out, letting air in, and then plunging it down each stroke? I dunno. But it’s not a girth issue.
Lapdancelover
wrote on August 9 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
cool. much appreciated. and yes it’s because i was taking longer strokes because to me that feels better to make me come. and after going for about 4 hours without cumming you can share my pain. i really had to cum. but cool. i have a question though… for anyone out there… is 7 3/4” okay sized for a 19 year old or small? i’m black and i was even contemplating enlargement but i read a thread on the net that says penis growth stops at about 22-24. and those are the ages that girth size really takes major strides in getting fatter. so holla at me and please be honest. cuz her ex was 21 when they had sex and we were same size but he just a fatter by like 1/2 inch. i would assume by the time i’m 21 i’d be better than him?
roastchicken
wrote on August 9 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
@ lapdance: First of all, why are you comparing yourself to her ex? She’s with you, not him. Second, penis enlargement doesn’t work. If it did I’m sure all guys would be walking around with 8 or 9 inch joysticks in their pants. It’s those companies that sell that type of product way of playing most men’s biggest *no pun intended* insecurity. Hm, I thought my biology teacher said the human penis stops growing at age 18. I think someone’s trying to get your hopes up?
Whatever.
Just be happy with what you have. Your girl must be.