Doin’ It With Dr. V: Dating A Guy With The Herp
Posted by: Dr. V
Filed in:
sex
10:00AM, Sunday April 5th 2009
Hi, I’m Dr. V. I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…
April is STD Awareness Month, but I can tell you, I, Dr. V, do not need a special month to become aware of STDs. Unfortunately, I’ve had brushes with almost every bacteria and virus in Bum Town. What can I say, I’m a Frisky gal who has challenged a lot of cowboys to whip out their guns. So, over the course of this month I’ll be speaking up about some of my more dangerous showdowns.
I fell in love with a guy and after a bunch of very hot dates, we did the nasty. In this case, nasty is the appropriate word. Right after we has sex, and I was lying there naked next to him in bed, he whispered in my ear that he had genital herpes. O-M-G! My new sexy boyfriend had a secret he should have shared first! I felt lied to, genuinely hurt, but, most of all, manipulated. What right did he have to decide what risks I would take with my va-jay-jay?! As I jumped up to tear him a new one, he started to cry. The last few girls he had dated he was completely upfront with about his situation and they immediately dumped his ass. So, he was wary of telling me beforehand, which was a d-baggy move, but he didn’t know what else to do. His situation was so sad, I couldn’t even break up with him then. Have you ever seen a six foot tall man weep? Although, honestly, I always had problems trusting him after that stunt for obvious reasons, and we broke up a few months later. So, learn from his mistakes and always be upfront with your sexual partners, at the very least for karma’s sake.
Now, while he was my first boyfriend with genital herpes, he wasn’t my last. First of all, I’m not a real doctor and herpes is a very real, very easy virus to catch. While I’ve managed to have sex with people who have herpes and not catch it, I definitely could have and let’s be honest, still could! But I try to be as careful as possible while still keeping my possibilities for romance (and my legs) open. Forty-five million Americans have herpes—that’s just about all the people living in Connecticut, Iowa, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kansas, Utah, Nevada, New Mexico, West Virginia, Nebraska, Idaho, Maine, New Hampshire, Hawaii, Rhode Island, Montana, Delaware, South Dakota, Alaska, North Dakota, Vermont and Wyoming combined! So, before you go discarding a perfectly good guy just because his trunk has some extra junk, here are five ways you can try to safe guard yourself:
1. Always Use A Latex Condom: Duh! Less skin contact, less chance to contract the virus.
2. Don’t Have Sex During Outbreaks: If you can see a blister or if they think they can feel an outbreak startin’ something, don’t have sex! Good things come to those who wait.
3. Take Valtrex: I don’t like to endorse products, but Valtrex effectively limits the number of outbreaks. Not only does it reduce their symptoms, it also reduces your risk. Bonuses for both of you!
4. Avoid Cold Sores: No kissing, licking, or sucking when your partner has a cold sore because yes, oral herpes, HSV-1, can still cause sores in your crotch.
5. Use Contraceptive Foams: In lab tests, some foams have been shown to kill the herpes virus. While there’s no guarantee that it’ll stop the virus in the name of love, if you combined with a condom, you’re at least in theory doubling your preventive measures. It’s two against one.
Whoever you decide to do or not do, it is your vagina. But there is one thing you can definitely do to improve the situation. Herpes carries a real social stigma. It’s sad, it’s unfair, and it’s crippled a lot of love lives. Around 500,000 Americans contract it each year, so be sensitive to the issue. Don’t make herpes jokes in mixed company—you just don’t know who around you has it and will be hurt by the humor. It can come off as cruel judgment which is harsher than the virus itself. Oh and here’s some good news, kids—a vaccine is currently being developed!
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BabyPanda
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
I’m a bit appalled that a sex columnist and strong, confident woman would fall prey to a deceptive man like this. I don’t think you should have so easily excused his disgusting behavior, and then fail to admit you were in the wrong to all your readers. I know how heart breaking it can be to see a man cry but he threatened your health. If he had been upfront with you before doing it, then he could have been rewarded for his honesty with some safe-sex lovin.
mikeyellenlee
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
I agree with BabyPanda. I know that people with herpes are people too, but this one was nothing more than jackass that wasn’t worth your time.
NdlovukaziThor
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
People make mistakes. People do stupid, stupid, stupid things. People don’t think.
With emotions and hormones raging, the oh-so-subtle art of manipulation becomes that much easier to put into play. You’re about to get what you want - whether it’s sex, information, or a candy bar. Why ruin it?
Everyone’s got their hangups. Women are crazy. Hormones and brain chemicals just don’t mix. And we forgive men for the most heinous things we would never let our best friends do to us, and keep running back for more.
While lying that could permanently damage someone’s health is absofreakinglutely not to be condoned, you can’t really understand or judge if you’re not in the situation yourself (regarding the actions of Dr. V).
I am not speaking from personal experience, just making a broad statement that can be applied to just about anything that results in people jumping to conclusions or judging. Unless it was YOU in that EXACT situation, you don’t really know.
Kati-Anne
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
It pretty shi*ty to disclose to your partner that you have an STI only after you’ve had sex, but there’s an ad campaign that I saw a little while ago that really mad me think. It was billboard in downtown Ottawa that had a black and white picture of a couple in the throws of passion and it read “If you were rejected every time you disclosed, would you?” It’s an HIV awareness campaign, but it applies to people infected with herpes pretty well too.
I am NOT saying that it is ok to deceive someone and let them unwittingly put their own health at risk, but it’s important to recognize the pain and fear of rejection that a person with either of the viruses experiences. It takes a huge amount of courage to tell someone (especially if it’s someone you are in love with) knowing that you could be rejected completely.
Mia
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
He definitely sounds like an #&@$%, I can’t believe he had no concern for your well-being at all! I hope vaccine is soon =)
fallenangel915
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]
I’d have kicked the #&@$% out of him…that would really have given him a reason to cry. How dare he assume that you would have had the same reaction as the other girls he told beforehand? He didn’t even respect you enough to give you the right to make that decision on your own. Eff him.
retro chic
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
Selfish, boo-hoo, selfish! “Did d’ose big, baad girrls take his candy away?” That’s the only reason he duped you. In this day and age, any human being, presumably adult (over 18-21 in this country), of legal sound mind, in command of their spoken/shared language, has no excuse for not sharing that info, nor insisting on its disclosure. That’s the difference between just being human and a human being.
I think there should be nondisclosure laws, not unlike “carrying a concealed weapon,” etc… Except, that won’t happen—who will have the most to lose, and the least to gain with that one? Yep, men and drug companies.
Dr. V, Trust, is way overrated. Everything else is out in the open, why not this? Distrust can be rather liberating sometimes.
develange
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 06:46 pm: [report]
no one wants herpes. who cares if it is treatable, no one wants to have sex with you and you feel bad about yourself. Sure, feel bad for the guy, he was all tall and cried, but he KNOWINGLY gave you a virus. That is evil.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]
I can 100% be sure that I am as clean as freshly fallen snow, (Not in New York obviously) but nobody is lining up to ride this train. :(
NdlovukaziThor
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
He didn’t give her herpes.
Logic
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 09:10 pm: [report]
This was a good article. I have hsv-1 and it hasn’t been a life-ruining affliction. Basically, from people I know who do have hsv-2, the worst thing about it is that no one wants to have sex/be in a relationship with you…b/c they’re scared that if they get it no one will want to have sex/ a relationship with them, and so on. So a lot of the problem is people’s panicked attitudes about this illness which is very common and usually just annoying.
Fast Eddie
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 06:48 am: [report]
I have a friend that is HIV positive and has HSV-2. He only has sex with are likewise infected. He does not have problems getting laid. He also has a life partner that has neither. They do not have genital sex, but love each other and are happy together.
juliePS
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 07:42 am: [report]
I was in a relationship with a guy who had hsv2 and he waited to tell me until we were about ten seconds away from having sex. I think that was a pretty bitchy thing to do—get someone all hot and riled and ready to go and THEN be like “um…” but fortunately I just got all my bloodwork back and I came out of it all relatively unscathed. People need to learn to talk about sex when you’re not actively having it, preparing to have it, or just had it.
kiravonconcrete
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 06:24 pm: [report]
I caught hsv2 (genital) last year from a guy who’s got 1 (cold sores). He did not have a breakout and hadn’t had one in about 6 years. That’s the thing about herpes: you can transmit it without any symptoms (when the virus is “shedding”). I went to a great infectious disease specialist who told me “as a human, based on what I know as a DR, you can not transmit it if you are on viral supressants (valtrex etc). Can not. But, as a DR, I need to tell you there’s always that chance. Since then, I’ve had a couple boyfriends and neither has gotten it. Both knew and I was not up front w/ the second one. He’s still cool about it, but of course, like any one, was upset. He believed what I told him my DR said, and we’ve been cool ever since. Also, herpes is NOT A THREAT TO YOUR HEALTH. It is just an inconvenience and social stigma.