Does Sex Get Better When You’re In Love?

Humble Bee
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]

I agree, Ive been with my bf for 3 yrs and the sex is meh :/
But i love him, so I try to make it work, I do feel like cheating at times, but nothing’s guaranteed that the sex will be great with the next person, so I haven’t cheated, I dont think its worth it. My bf currently lasts about 3-5 minutes, its frustrating at times and other times I let it slide. We have amazing foreplay but when we get to the sex, where I just want to be banged senselessly, he lasts about 3 minutes! I get soo pissed at times, but i never show it so I wont hurt his ego. I’ll just finish the job myself when he’s asleep, haha.
I DO fantasize about my ex, because like you, he spoiled me rotten. He would give the best oral EVER, and then he had the nicest porn penis i have ever seen live. He even liked dirty talk, which my bf doesnt. he wont even say DICK, he’ll say “can you go down on me?” and i’m a perv so I say, You mean suck your dick? haha. he just shyly say, yea, please. NOT to mention, he spanks like a bitch. I dont know if he’s scared to hurt me or what, but I feel like he’s spanking a toddler. Harder please!
YET i’m still with him, he has more than sex to offer, so I put up with his 3 minutes of, “ahhh not again, get it up!!”

WinkyFace
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

Sex is way better when you’re in love! I can probably count the number of times I DIDN’T get my jollies with my current boyfriend on both hands (out of the hundreds of times we’ve done it). Before we were officially together, it was just “meh,” but as soon as we became exclusive and completely fell in love, it felt like suddenly someone flipped a switch. You just have less inhibitions.

Or maybe the guys I’ve slept with before just sucked.

MrsAbraxas
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]

Sex in committed relationships can go from meh to mind-blowingly awesome.  But not just because of love, also because of practice. Lots and lots and lots of practice.

As a nerd, I took this to heart and did the math.  My husband and I stand a pretty good chance at breaking 10,000 notches on the bedpost: http://newlybed.blogspot.com/2008/12/10-000-obo.html

Provocative Girl
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]

i think that sex when you’re in love can be more passionate than just plain sex. and i think that more passion can def make for better sex

EarthGoddess
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]

@WinkyFace: I agree! Of course I’ve only slept with men I’ve been in love with and deeply committed to, so maybe I’m not the best person to speak about this. I just can’t imagine not having that true love and soulful connection during sex, especially since it’s the physical manifestation of your emotions for that person.

thegr8brownie
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]

personally, i think love helps make sex better because with love you have more trust, and like it was said befor less inhibitions, and you can make it more passionate.  Sex with love stops just being a f**k to get your rocks off, and starts becoming something you can share, and prolong, and like it was said befor with practice, it can become great!
So, i think love makes it better.

@humble bee~
3 MINUTES!?!? Its none of my buisness, but i think you need to have a talk with him about control. Like, maybe he just can’t last, or maybe he just doesn’t last, you know?

Humble Bee
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]

Its so hard to talk to him about that, he swears he’s a champ in bed. But it’s my fault, always faking it…. but I have brought it up before and he’s always in denial. yeah he gets to bust his nut, but me? i just stay sexually unsatisfied and pretty much put up with it. He has his days, when i don’t put out for a whole month, and he performs well. but that sucks that i have to withold it for a month in order for him to stay long. Maybe we SHOULD practice more… thanks for the input.

Pugs
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

Hmm, as a recently divorced woman, I’d have to say that love doesn’t make the sex better.  I loved him to bits but the sex was just awful for a looooonnng time.  For me, the love started dying because he wouldn’t talk about WHY it was so awful.  Now, I’m looking for someone I don’t love to test out the theory that recreational sex is better than making love.  Anybody want come over and help me study?

IrinaGonzalez
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]

wow, you withold sex for a whole month just to get him to last longer? Seriously, if you’re in an honest, committed relationship.. you should be able to talk about it. He definitely should be able to at least TRY to last longer. One thing I read is that you should switch positions when the guy’s almost “there” or that you (the girl) can put your thumb & index finger around the base of his penis and gently squeeze to make him stop. Or, you can just stop, rest a couple minutes, and start again.

but anyways.. my actual comment was that I think that sex CAN get better in a committed relationship, but mostly because of (as it was already said) practice, the ability to talk/share/be more open, and a general desire to want to please the person you’re with. In my case, I lucked out because sex with my bf was ALWAYS amazing (we started out as a one night stand) but it’s gotten even better since we became bf/gf because we talk to each other and try new things all the time. Keeps the spice alive!

tracy122683
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

@Humble Bee
Please address this issue, even if its hard. I have been with my bf 7 years and my situation is exactly like yours. I love, love, love my honey but the sex is not extremely satisfying and I now find myself meeting a guy friend every few weeks to get off! Now that I’ve started cheating, it’s so hard to stop. One day you’ll regret not trying harder to change his slacker ways. After 7 years I feel like if I say anything now, it will be obvious I’ve been faking all these years- I DO Not want to hurt my honey!

sunrise
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]

@ Author- The same thing happened to me once… we were having sex, and right after I orgasmed, I felt overcome with emotion and burst into tears.  My then boyfriend was all confused, but then he saw that I was laughing at the same time, and I told him I had no idea why I was crying, but I was certainly happy.

Lynn
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]

What about those numbing lubes, numbing condoms, etc.? Maybe you could try those? Or, instead of making it glaringly obvious that you have been left wanting all these years, you could say “Friend X said she and her boyfriend go at it for Y amount of time. She said it’s awesome - do you think we could try that?” and then if he manages to hold out that long (no matter which method you use), just double over in gratitude and orgasmic goodness so he knows how amazing it was!

Abarita
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 04:55 pm: [report]

That same thing happened to me with my boyfriend and I.  I just started crying and it seemed so silly but then realized it’s only because I love him so much.  It’s actually happened more than once.  And it’s funny because ever since i started dating my bf i’ve become increasingly more emotional.  i guess it just took the love of my life and my feelings for him to release my emotions.  that’s probably why i’ve cried after sex…i’m just so damn happy!

elthrilla
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]

I can’t really say if it was because of my strong feelings for the guy, or that he was just good in bed, but the best sex I ever had was with the guy I had the strongest feelings for.  I’ve had good sex without being emotionally connected, but it just wasn’t the same.  I’ll let you know the next time I fall in love if it was just a conincidence or not.

loveitlala
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 06:29 pm: [report]

Love or no love, good sex is in the numbers.  Having sex with the same person over and over teaches you things you could only learn with time and trust BUT having sex with many different people at different times in your life teaches not only how different people wag their tongues in your crotch but how different connections make you feel.  I’ve had the best input from people who weren’t afraid to tell me the truth about how I was having sex and my attitude that any long-term boyfriend wouldn’t have the balls to say.

Shimms
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 06:32 pm: [report]

My best sex was with the man i’ve loved most in my life. He wasn’t the best at any particular aspect of foreplay or sex, wasn’t the hottest body or looks, wasn’t the most well endowed… but damn.  Incredibly amazing sex and the orgasms were mind blowing.  i know, for myself, it was because of how much i was in love with him.

Biscuit
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 07:39 pm: [report]

Jeez, what ever happened to communication? Obviously there isn’t a whole lot going on in your relationships if you can’t even tell your man that you’re not totally satisfied. That’s really sad, honestly. It’s lying, hiding, etc.
I mean, whatever helps you sleep at night, but I prefer the honesty method.
My man even said he’d want to know if I’m not satisfied. It’s calling communication, and working out the problem. Maybe he thinks you smell bad? Maybe it’s not him at all? Maybe he’s hiding what he’s feeling as well, how would you feel about that? How you would feel if you were him? I’m sure he’s got to know something is up, how long can you really fake it, honestly??
If you can’t be honest and upfront in a relationship, you have problems.

Biscuit
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 07:40 pm: [report]

I hit post too soon, I have another question, doesn’t your man know of your own website?

jesscdoo
wrote on January 29 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]

If you want a real relationship you must be honest or else it will not grow and progress past the point at which you are deceiving one another.  I left my marriage of 15 years because I tried to be something I wasn’t, to be someone he would like, in order to have what I thought would make me happy.  Guess what? I became bitter, resentful, and very depressed….That’s what happens when you’re not honest with yourself about what you want.  Trust me, you will eventually either:

1. resent the hell out of your mate, or
2. die inside from denying your true self. 

Either way, it’s not fair to either of you. Time is short, sometimes unfairly so, and living a lie is no way to live.  There are some excellent books to help deal with how to approach these issues, ways to bring up and talk about them without hurting the other person, but bottom line is, if your mate doesn’t listen to you and validate your needs you need to move on and find someone who will.

I did. After we dated for a year, I told him I’d been faking it and yes, he was hurt. But he listened to me when I explained how I was too afraid to trust him before, not because of him but because of my baggage.  He just held me and kissed my tears away. Then, he told me he’d been holding back, too, thinking of other things during sex so he’d last longer because he was afraid I was judging him on performance. We both laughed! How ridiculous it all was, all the faking and performing and not really enjoying each other! Once we started learning to let go, we reached new levels of intimacy and for the first time in our lives, we found someone we could truly be ourselves with.

We got married in July.

Tamara
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 12:56 am: [report]

My boyfriend and I have an amazing sexual connection. We generally have really good sex, but we do have those off moments, but if it’s not working we talk about what could be improved, etc. I waited until I was in love and trusted him so I don’t know if love makes it better or not, I know that I’m comfortable and that helps. I can laugh with him, and if I cry he’s understanding and comforting. I am glad to know that I’m not alone, that other girls cry in bed as well.

Also, don’t think you’re going to destroy his ego or scar him for life by being honest. Just stick with the happy go lucky sayings; Honesty is the best policy, practice makes perfect etc. I did not enjoy when my ex went down on me at first, I told him and together we worked on making it better, by the time our relationship ended he was amazing.

HusbandTribe
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]

I gotta agree with the “sex is best in love” croud. Having an emotional and physical connection can take it to a mind blowing level… it’s a making love vs. shagging kinda thing.

HusbandTribe
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]

Also - kudos to Biscuit. Great points! I think you nailed it.

lilihoney7
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]

I personally think that sex and making love are two totally different things. sex can be great reguardless of if your in love or not and vice verca. but when the sex is great and your in love it takes it to a whole nother level! when me and my ex were together the sex was good but once we fell in love we were connected on so many different levels that the sex became mind blowing! well in my experiences emotions improve sex. if they didn’t then why do people always say that make-up sex is the best sex?

flatline
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]

@tracy

“After 7 years I feel like if I say anything now, it will be obvious I’ve been faking all these years- I DO Not want to hurt my honey!”

I’m sorry, but I just have to ask - how is cheating on him not going to hurt him?

One Big Voice
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

Humble Bee, you’ve been with this guy three years?! I assumed you had only been with him a short time and you didn’t want to scare him off. I agree with the posters who think you’re way overdue for a talk about this! Complaining to us online is not going to change anything. If you explain to him that you’re not happy with your sex life and want to HELP him discover the world beyond boring sex I’m sure he will not take it as bad as you think he will. The main thing is to let him know in no uncertain terms that you are not happy with things as they are, and then it is your responsibility to tell him what gets you off (be as detailed and specific as possible!). If he still is in denial maybe you could print off some off your posts and their responses?
As for the premature ejaculation, you mentioned in a different thread that when he was drunk you had great sex—why not get him a little tipsy beforehand? There’s lots and lots of people who use alcohol as a sex aid. It lowers inhibitions and is a neural depressant (which has the effect of making the skin less sensitive to touch). Speaking from personal experience, the right dosage can make a guy go from a sprinter to a marathoner—but you can’t overdo it or the poor guy will not be able to perform at all! There are many other techniques I have since learned, such as deep breathing, but alcohol is easy and a good place to start.
The sooner you deal with this, the sooner you will be having the sex you crave!You can do this!

Humble Bee
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]

Thanks for the advice people, I’ll get the guts to tell him tonight. Its so hard because he’s so nice, its like if MR. Rogers had a son, he’d probably act like my boyfriend.

Kiki T
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]

Love makes everything better.

SeattleMama
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 03:52 pm: [report]

DO. NOT. FAKE. IT.

EVER.

It just sets everyone up to be hurt and disappointed.  And if you think it would hurt him less to learn you needed more, then to learn that you were CHEATING on him because you needed more… well, I don’t know what to say to that!  If he’s not satisfying you, either give him the chance to make it right, or let him go so he can meet the asexual girl of his dreams who is okay with 3 minutes of poking and an utter lack of orgasms.  She’s out there, and if he’s not willing to step up his game then SHE is who he deserves.

Love makes sex better because HONESTY and TRUST make sex better… you don’t have to be in love to have honesty and trust, but it sure helps!

writergirl
wrote on January 30 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]

Love makes sex better…not necessarily because the orgasms are more mind blowing but because of the communication that results from being that close to someone.  Sometimes my husband and I have pretty meh sex, sometimes its mind blowing.  When it is meh we can discuss why and no one feels bad.  When it is mind blowing, there’s nothing better than finally being able to move, lifting your head and saying “That was awesome!!!! I had four orgasms.”  And everyone feels incredible.

Reagan
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 10:28 am: [report]

I tried having sex with my ex yesterday…I can honestly say that the sex was way better when we were in love…now that the relationship is over, I still love him but I’m not in love with him anymore and there was a VERY noticeable difference.  There was disconnect (physically, emotionally and mentally).  I was pretty bummed about it actually, because the one thing I always knew we had was amazing, mind-blowing sex. 

Anyways, I don’t know if it holds true for everyone in every situation but I definitely think the sex was better when I was in love.

Art S.
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]

To me, it’s all about the connection. You can have that with someone you’re married to or not married to, in love with or just in lust with…either way, it’s about a physical and meta-physical connection.

melodyhenbrooke
wrote on February 4 2009 @ 10:06 pm: [report]

If you are not having great sex with the person you are in a relationship with its because the relationship is not as intimate as it could be.  Check out http://www.thisisgreatsex.com
The truth is that great sex is not about whether you love someone or not, or whether the guy is “good” or not.  It’s about being able to have the kind of relationship to be able to immerse yourselves in each other in deep intimate connection.

TinaLish
wrote on February 5 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]

I’ve had really amazing, awesome sex with a guy friend I was attracted to, and it was mind-blowing and toe curling just plain awesome.  But it would always make me wonder, if there was genuine love between me and this guy, this friend of mine, it would be so much more. 

Sex is just sex half the time, but I believe when it’s with someone you care for who cares for you, it’s always better. 

The guy I’m involved with now, we are connected on an emotional level, we aren’t quite at love yet but there are feelings there that help add to the intimacy we share when we have sex.  It truly is special.  It’s like icing on the cake, it’s all the more sweeter when there’s feelings involved in sex.

Honestly if the person you love sucks at sex, you’re settling.  Love is about communication, there are ways to say that you want them to do something different, or you don’t like things a certain way without damaging their self esteem.  Just find the right approach and go with it.  If the sex is still “meh” then, maybe it’s not love after all.

This was a very insightful article.  Loved it =)

JAY NiKZ
wrote on February 6 2009 @ 02:08 am: [report]

I’m gonna have to say yes, sex is better when you are in love. Basically, because there is bond that is untouchable when you are in love. Everyone knows that sex is not just physical. Sex is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual and if you lack one or more, you are missing out on some part of that sexual experience. It may be small, but it’s still missing.

I think back to the partners I’ve had in the past, all whom I loved. The sex was amazing. I think back to the sex that we had when we were out of love and I think so-so.

It’s most definitely not about whether he’s good or not. My husband is the best lover I’ve ever had. Partly because we’ve had sex way more than I have with others, but also because (I know this is cheesy) he’s my match. I feel everyone has a match and if you’re in love and sex isn’t great… maybe it’s not the match you thought it was.

In my opinion, sex should not occur without love, but that’s my old-fashion beliefs. Sex can be great with or without, but until you really experience real love… you’ll have difficulty finally experiencing the wonder of sex with love.

kitkatc1982
wrote on February 9 2009 @ 02:12 pm: [report]

I have to say that the best sex I have ever had was usually with a one night stand or a hookup buddy. When I am in love, it usually means I am comfortable, and therefore sex is super boring after awhile. generally after about a year. Thats usually about when i stray bc I just dont have much of a desire for my partner anymore. It’s not bc i dont love them either, I just have sexual ADD I think.

D-mann
wrote on February 13 2009 @ 06:45 pm: [report]

I agree with the love point of view. But you ladies seem to think your all good at sex. There are more women bad at sex then men just based on the ratio of women to men, but aside of that men fake too. Most women don’t realize that men can have orgasms not just cumming. A hint if your man ever cheated on you then your not awesome in bed. If yuor man doesnt do special things for U consistantly your not awesome in bed. I have had sex that was so good I couldnt get soft. If your man cums once and that it you may have more to do with that than you think. Just becuase he came that doesnt mean he was satisfied. I would have to say that the odds R if you love someone your more likely to have a higher frequency which equal practice. If u luv her U actually care if they’re satisfied so the by products of LUv is what makes it better. Trust me because I have been married for 14 years and we still have sex 3-4 times a week my wife biggest complaint is we need more sleep. This woman is the breath in my lungs and I am going to make sure there is an issue for her to walk anytime we are intimate (as my wife nudges me for being to graphic) I think sex is better if both parties R thinking “I am goping to do everything in my power to rock his/her world”