Does Love Really Make You This Stupid?
Posted by: Catherine Strawn
Filed in:
relationships
10:20AM, Friday July 10th 2009
Sometimes, I read an advice column and learn something that will help me avoid doing something regrettable. When I read a Social Q’s question and answer that will appear in this Sunday’s paper, I wondered how a person could be so stupid. J.S. in Brooklyn, NY, bought a woman he had been dating for two years a $16,000 engagement ring after she sent him a photo of the ring and threatened to end their relationship if he didn’t give it to her. After he had the ring made, she told him she was committed to another man. We’re not really sure what went down, but it seems a little strange for two people to be together for years and one of them to be “committed” to someone else. Anyway, J.S. wants to know whether, since jewelers tell him the ring has limited value since it was custom made, his ex-fiancée should share in the financial loss.
Dude should have seen the problems coming and never bought her the ring in the first place. In his letter to Social Q’s, he admits that this ex-fiancée disapproved of the mediation he and his ex-wife used for their divorce.
In lieu of advice, columnist Philip Galanes berates J.S.:
No sane person (other than executives at Court TV or Nancy Grace) would forgo peaceful mediation in favor of all-out war. And how did you reach 55 without learning the lesson of ultimatums?
Galanes goes on to say that J.S. was stupid enough to buy the ring in the first place, and he should suck up the cost: “So, rather than haggle over a contribution, prepare for the next time: Figure out why you behaved like a love-struck teenager with a gold card.” Maybe J.S. should sell the ring at a loss, and then use the money to buy some self-help books or therapy sessions, because he needs to buy a clue. [NY Times]
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Humble Bee
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
When she gave him the ultimatum he should have seen it coming. She didn’t want him, she wanted that damn ring.
People can be so blind sometimes, I guess he just wanted to keep believing in their relationship so deeply, that he ignored the obvious signs. Which happens in abusive relationships, and in other forms as well.
bogart4017
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
I don’t know what part of brooklyn this guy was from but the Brooklyn im familiar with—homegirl would have been sent packing sand and kicking rocks. What kind of mamas boy didnt see he was being played.
Heather
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
To answer the question in the headline: Love doesn’t make you that stupid, neediness does.
EarthGoddess
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
This reminds me of a former bestie of mine who put her ex-fiance through Hell before calling off her wedding. She made it clear to everyone, mostly him, that she wanted a total fairy tale and nothing less. She chose several super expensive rings for him to pick from, unless of course he wanted to spend more, which he ended up doing. He spent a small fortune working with a jewelry designer to have a gorgeous ring made. He proposed while on a Valentine’s weekend get-away complete with champagne, rose petals in their hotel room, theatre tickets, fancy dinner, etc. (Most women would have thought they died and went to heaven!) Anyway, they were engaged for months, bought a house, had already begun receiving gifts, dresses bought, etc. One day she calls me and says that they’re calling it all off. She later confessed to me that everything else she imagined was there and it was all falling into place, but he didn’t “fit” into the pretty little picture she had anymore. He was floored, and then later relieved, but she managed to come out of all of it on top with quite a good sum of money from the sale of their house and her perfect ring, and he wound up moving back in with his parents because she basically robbed him blind. That was the first step in her personality transformation and the beginning of the end of our friendship. Her ex-fiance is now remarried to a very sweet girl and I’m so happy for him .. and from what I hear, she hasn’t had a relationship since.
So, I feel bad for JS ... they can’t always see it coming.
tattooed_redhead
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
Throwing it out there and I really want responses - do ultimatums ever work? I know 2 women who tried and (rightly, IMO) got their asses thrown to the curb for it. Do guys really fall for it?
_jsw_
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]
@tattooed_redhead: Yes, guys fall for it. And they don’t. It depends not only on the guy but on the woman and on the guy’s opinion on whether the ultimatum is reasonable and whether she’s worth it. For example, demanding a $25K engagement ring? Not gonna fall for it. Saying “we’ve been dating for five years, and if you’re not going to propose, I’m going to move on with my life”... reasonable. But… ladies, if you need to issue an ultimatum, you’re probably with the wrong guy, and, guys, if you’re issued an ultimatum, you’re probably not with the right woman (either she’s too demanding or you’re too much of a slug to proceed, depending on the circumstance). Generally, ultimatum = time to break up. For many reasons.
_jsw_
wrote on July 10 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
@tattooed_redhead: A better response: one worked on me when I was vulnerable. I did us both a disservice by conceding.
mlyway
wrote on July 11 2009 @ 09:50 pm: [report]
Although the ultimatum had nothing to do with engagement, my ex boyfriend gave me an ultimatum after about a year of dating..he demanded that I seek counseling and I promised I would go to one meeting to prove I didn’t need any..our relationship lasted for 2 more years and ended because of long distance/being in different phases of life.
But in general, an ultimatum can signify something bad, but it can also signify that the other person cares enough about you.
pinkjellyfish
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
Only a Sith deals in absolutes