Does A Rude Guy Deserve A Second Chance?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
8:30AM, Sunday May 17th 2009
The New York Times answers an interesting question. What do you do when a nice guy does something not-so-nice? Perfectly nice guys with terrible manners are all too common these days. Writes a victim:
“A nice guy, who I thought was interested in me, stood me up for dinner. I waited at the restaurant like a sad loser, but he never called. When I next saw him, he apologized and asked if I would have dinner with him. I refused. He told me he was going to make a reservation at the same place and wait for me there, hoping I might change my mind. I’d like to see him. What should I do? —D.T.”
“Social Q”‘s Philip Galanes advises she should feel free to give the guy a second chance, but warns it might get tiresome dealing with a person who fluctuates between rude and gentlemanly. “The ending is often in the beginning,” he writes. “Over time, you may find yourself the recipient of as many slights as long-stemmed roses.”
As someone who is apt to give second chances in my quest for love, this really spoke to me. What would your advice be to D.T.?
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Rose
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 09:06 am: [report]
When this has been me, I have given one more chance, but only one. I can’t stand unreliability. I agree with the advice giver that if it happens now, when he’s presumably trying to make a good impression, then it’s likely to be an ongoing thing, so I would only take this behaviour now if I was prepared to take it forever.
retro chic
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]
Agree with Social Q/Galanes—no second chance [pull lever]. Especially with first dates… where all the major red flags show up. She should thank him for his eloquent behavior that spared her the repeat performances that were sure to follow. Walk/Talk in spades.
Kiri Anne
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]
This so cracks me up! When my husband and I went out for the first time I thought he was an ass and he thought I was a bitch. Our cupid-friend (her b’day is 2/14!) made us go out again, and, ten years and two kids later, she obviously knew second chances for rude people can work out!
DancerNinja
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
I had a guy stand me up in high school. Screened his called and never called him back after that. I had a guy in college “stand me up” by not coming to my judo tournament that he offered to attend. Dumped him right there. I have no tolerance for that stuff, there are too many guys that WILL make the effort to waste your time with ones that don’t.
spanishdoll
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
If the guy had a good reason for not being there, he should have called (even if it was the next day!). By not calling his date to alert her that he couldn’t make it, shows that he either forgot about their date or didn’t have enough respect for her feelings to do the right thing. Red flag to me…
Kathls
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
Amelia, I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only girl in the world that gives third and fourth chances! Sometimes in makes me feel like a sucker. I know it’s a terrible habit I should break, but there’s that little part of me that wants to believe the best about people.
Despite my track record of second chances, I would have to give this guy the axe. On the first handful of dates you’re supposed to be on your best behavior. If he’s this thoughtless now, what will he be like when you’re more involved? Not showing up was bad enough, but to not even call her at all—that’s bad news.
I’ve learned this lesson multiple times: How a guy presents himself in the beginning is how he really is. If he’s rude, critical, etc., that’s what you’re getting yourself in for. I once had a guy on a first or second date tell me that my shyness was a sign of low self esteem! Maybe so, but it’s not low enough to put up with his sorry a$$.
Le Sigh. Come on guys, put a little thought into your words and actions!
Beckimudd
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
I am a fan of giving someone a second chance and even a third chance if you want to. Just don’t do it because you feel guilty.
stephoney22
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 07:22 am: [report]
Splash some cold water on your face and RUN! No decent guy would EVER do something like that. Seriously. Sometimes women really have to struggle to keep their standards high but in the end, when you finally find someone who meets those standards, you will be so happy with him and so happy with yourself. Seriously, forget that guy.
juliePS
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 08:27 am: [report]
I’d be really careful about that second chance—why the heck didn’t he call and say he wasn’t going to make it? I have a friend whose boyfriend of several years was supposed to move in, but it fell through because of financial circumstances. Instead of telling her, he just didn’t show on the appointed date. HE STOOD HER UP FOR MOVING IN TOGETHER. And then when she called him on it, he said he didn’t tell her because he “didn’t want to disappoint” her. I was ready to pummel him senseless for being so spineless.
so if he stood me up because he was too chickenshit to admit he couldn’t make it… that’s a dealbreaker. It’s not so much the behavior itself as what that behavior indicates about his personality, that’s what I’m concerned with.
but in terms of general lack-of-social-skills, I date nerds, so I try not to make snap judgments based on poor handling of social situations. My current boyfriend fist-bumped me at the end of our first date, for example.
Joe Shmoe
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
It is important you give someone a second chance if they go out on the limb like this guy did. Don’t bring up the fact that he screwed up or anything. Just go with the flow like it’s the first date. If similar things continue to happen and he builds up a small track record in a quick period of time, then you are probably better off moving on. If not, then it’s obviously a good thing you gave him a second chance because it clearly was a fluke the first time around.
og217
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
It’s hard to believe that in our Facebook / iphone / texting / twitter world the guy had to wait until he ran into you to say something. I call BS here. However, if you simply must, call the restaurant at the time that he claims he will arrive. Ask if he’s there - describe him. If he is, call him on his cell and say whatever you want - ideally, reschedule or meet him later. But don’t go sitting around like an idiot two times in 2 weeks in the same restaurant!
OhAshluv
wrote on May 26 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
Seeing that it was the 1st date..that’s a ‘No go’ and definite red flag that he simply did not just show up or at least make an effort to contact her to let her know the situation. If he couldn’t put forth enough effort in the beginning,I would think that is the guy’s way of saying “I’m not into you” and “I’m selfish”. So why would you want to deal with someone like that, anyway.