Do You Really Want To Know What Your Man Thinks About The New Baby?
Posted by: Annika Harris
Filed in:
guys
10:00AM, Tuesday June 9th 2009
A new genre of confessional literature has men opening up about what they really thought when they became a father. The dads know they’re supposed to be overcome with joy after the birth of a child, but many felt demoralized, depressed, or just plain bored. Author Michael Lewis is breaking what he calls “a great conspiracy of silence” with his book, Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood, which exposes what he and other men really felt when their child was born. “I wrote my book because of this persistent and disturbing gap between what I was meant to feel and what I actually felt,” Lewis said. It’s great that men are opening up about their feelings, but if Lewis were the father of my child, I don’t think I’d want to know, let alone read, how he really feels about our little bundle of joy, er, depression.
“The worst feeling was hatred,” writes Lewis in his book. “I distinctly remember standing on a balcony with her squawking in my arms and wondering what I would do if it wasn’t against the law to hurl her off it.”
“A month after Quinn [Lewis’ daughter] was born, I would have felt only an obligatory sadness if she had been rolled over by a truck.
Six months or so later I’d have thrown myself in front of the truck to save her from harm. What happened? What transformed me from a monster into a father?”
“The reason we must be so appalled by parents who murder their infants is that it is so easy and even natural to do. Maternal love may be instinctive, but paternal love is learned behavior.”
Another author, Darin Strauss, had a similar sentiment when his son was born:
“It’s different for women. When my son was a minute old, my wife held him up and asked, ‘Don’t you love him so much?’
‘I didn’t really understand how she could ask such a thing. That purple squirming howler? Men, I think, need to be won over.”
Steve Doocy, author of the forthcoming book Tales from the Dad Side: Misadventures in Fatherhood, echoes Lewis and Strauss’ idea that fatherhood doesn’t come naturally to men:
“New moms are better at parenting than new dads, but there’s a reason why: they are programmed to mother.”
“A man doesn’t have much of a foundation in fathering. It’s more on-the-job training - and it starts the day he becomes a father.”
Men, obviously, can suffer from post-natal depression just like women, but all these men seem to be doing is whining. They say that women know how to be mothers because we’ve had training—dolls, classes, magazines, and books—but men have nothing to prepare them for fatherhood. But where’s their solution to this problem? Men can take the same classes and read the same books and magazines about parenting that women do. Or they can create outlets that are geared towards fathers. It’s refreshing to hear men discuss their emotions, but I definitely wouldn’t want to know that at some point my husband considered murdering our children. [The Daily Mail via Parent Dish]
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MoonBabye
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
^That is a bit creepy. Also, it doesn’t help that some mothers tend to not let the father near the child until its a toddler. Probably doesn’t help the feelings of resentment and…murder.
Milla
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
I have to think that books like these just hurt the idea of fatherhood so much more. . . if you had problems bonding to your baby, why not write a book that is a lot more positive and urges men to overcome “cultural programming”? I’m sure that most people do get crazy, fleeting thoughts from time to time . . . but keep them to yourself rather than letting them get air time and seem important.
retro chic
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]
Even tho my ex/daughter’s father was a seasoned parent at the time, I distinctly remember telling him I was pregnant *after* I moved the convo into the house, away from the unfenced backyard cliffs of Palos Verdes, where the drop below to the rocks was a long and messy one.
After our daughter was born, he’d sometimes complain when I, with a vacuum in one hand and a child suckling in the other, didn’t seem to pay him enough attention because babies *demand* so much. It’s just not fair.
Yeah. Help out with the housework, guys. Relieve some of the duties and we’ll be awake enough to kiss you. Your child is not your nemesis. Is why some women add “one” to the count of how many children they have.
powplz
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]
@Milla - so should women battling post-partum depression also just shut up and not talk about it because it’ll pass? If people understand that they’re not the only ones having a certain problem/issue, they’re more likely to get some help for it or take it in better stride. You might as well tell loved ones of addicts and suicide survivors that acknowledging and trying to deal with their pain is cramping your style and could they please not talk about it.
40yrolddad
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
I have a 24x7x365 on-call job w/a lot of pressure/urgency - most things I work on the company starts losing revenue the instant something goes wrong so everything has to be fixed an hour ago. I’m used to being woke up multiple xs/night, sometimes several in a row, so my job was good preparation but I don’t see how “normal” people w/o that kind of background handle the shock (& it _IS_ a SHOCK, even for me) that comes w/a newborn… this will probably sound uber-geeky but the hardest part for me was the complete lack of diagnostic info - “WAH!” is roughly analogous to the “check engine” idiot light in your car. I have no idea how pediatricians make a diagnosis on a kid under 4 - maybe they’re SWAG-ing too & it’s best we don’t know…
resullins
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
This scares me a lot. MY fiance and I have talked quite a bit about having kids, but knowing that he might feel like throwing our child off the balcony afterwards makes me question EVER having kids!!! I think maybe the most important thing is to have open communication with the father. Talk to them, maybe that can help? I have to hold out hope that these feelings are fixable.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
Bah, I wonder what the percentage of this affecting the population of everyone in human history.
zefron8
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Was the pregnancy a surprise to him or did he actually plan on having a baby? I can’t see why if he wanted to have a baby he would feel like hurling it off a balcony.
retro chic
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
resullins, And that’s the point. Those are *feelings and thoughts* being aired, not actions. Feelings pass. It is sometimes hard for newbie fathers to adapt and displace their feelings of not being the center of attention. They cultivate an unbreakable bond once they realize their bundle depends on them for protection.
This book shouldn’t scare anyone into a decision one way or another, and this is NOT on a par with other real, clinical conditions like PPD. This “problem” falls along the same lines as the “sympathy painer” husband. The reality check of involving him more helps shorten the disconnect between his confused ego and real adulthood. They don’t have the 9-month jumpstart of an alien growing inside their body to bond with that we have. So, it’s not just female conditioning or instinct. The realistic discussion of parenthood should take place well before engagement or marriage.
jojo32
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
I know I was in love with my baby before I even saw the first ultrasound. Something about having a life growing inside you…ya know? But her dad was sooooo not into the whole pregnancy. He didnt want to feel her move at all, he thought it was ‘gross’. Pssh. Well he’s an idiot. When she was an infant he was so disinterested it was baffling. It’s like he thought “yeah, she’s cute and all, but she’s really YOUR baby”. I was the mom and he was just his regular old self.
Not every person is cut out to be a parent, that’s for sure.
angelspinning
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
“Men can take the same classes and read the same books and magazines about parenting that women do.” That’s not really what it comes down to. I think dismissing the chemicals that go into mother-child bonding as just reading a bunch of books pre-birth is ridiculous.
As a woman, although one who hasn’t had a child, I feel similarly towards children as these fathers. I can’t understand why anyone would want a slobbering, uncommunicative, screaming, money-draining thing in their house. I like kids alright, once they hit 3 or 4. But I doubt I’ll ever want my own. I think we shouldn’t judge these men so harshly - I’d bet there are a lot of women out there who feel the same way, too.
powplz
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
Feelings aren’t chosen, they’re part reaction, part hormone, part mystery I think. Why demonize these guys for being honest? And though it only seemed to follow up with those feelings for the one guy, saying six months after feeling so ambivalent that he would have tossed himself in front of a truck to protect his daughter, I get the impression that that’s the norm.
If those feelings persist through the childhood, that would be scary. This is obviously not on par, but I think it makes the point that people too often hide things that are really pervasive, those fleeting thoughts, trying to pretend that they’re what everyone says they should be: http://www.newsweek.com/id/78608
Goldfinch86
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
I think it’s good that men can talk about this. I don’t think they are terrible for not loving their children at first. I think we are forgetting that for 9 months women bond with their child and have hormones that are making them love the baby and feel protective. Men however are not that way, they have needs and just like any one else and the fact that the new baby gets all the attention is not selfish, it’s the truth about parenting. I think that it’s inspiring for men, so they can get through the guilt of not having that quick response to loving their children. Many women don’t love their children right away and need time to adjust and fall in love with their children. I think some of you are being a little judgmental of something you don’t know much about.
Jill
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 12:04 am: [report]
This is really sad for me. When I have a child, I want my husband to be as happy as I am, after all, that kid will be 50% me and 50% him. But if he’s not going to be happy, I might as well just not include him!
majicksand
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:18 am: [report]
When I was a new mom, I loved my son, but he terrified me. I was always afraid I would do something wrong, drop him, ruin him, kill him… I was clueless and exhausted which made me rather cranky.
Men are “fixers”. They get angry when faced with a problem they can’t resolve. How does one “resolve” a crying baby? Half the time, even with my instinctive mom super-powers (haha), figuring out what was wrong was trial and error. Combine the lack of owner’s manual with the feeling that he is too big and clumsy to maneuver this tiny person with the required finesse, and you get resentment.
Let’s face it. Babies are frustrating and scary for new moms, and we’ve been raised to believe our “skills” in this area are instinctive. Men have no such belief. The new fathers I’ve known have felt lost and inadequate. It doesn’t help that the new mom’s patience and understanding are in short supply due to her own fears.
I don’t have a solution, only an explanation. My best hindsight suggestion is to be sure your marriage is strong and communication with your spouse is good before deciding to have a baby.
missduplicity
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:28 am: [report]
Just another tidbit of evidence as to how selfish men are.
What? You knocked up your wife and then had to “deal with her” as she experienced morning sickness, mood swings, cravings, massive growth, and the pain of labor? You had to help her paint her toenails before delivery because she was too fat to reach them? What a shame!!
And then, alas! The baby is born, and you are no longer the dominant attention-grabber in your woman’s life! You had to give up watching the Red Sox game to watch the infant so your exhausted wife could catch a nap between breastfeeding, changing, washing, cuddling the screaming thing? Poker nights with the boys were banished to the patio because the baby was sleeping? You had to DO A CHORE because between work, feeding the baby, getting up with the baby, taking care of the household, and giving sex to you, your wife let a few things slip?
The. Horror.
Men, I can totally understand why you think fatherhood is such a drag. I mean, who wants the responsibility of caring for and molding the person you created, who shares your genes, when there’s football on TV?
Ugh.
jojo32
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:31 am: [report]
@ MissDuplicity: very well put. I totally agree
But maybe that’s just my personal experience. maybe there are some guys who are NOT like this. God, I hope so.
missduplicity
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:42 am: [report]
* I’d just like to add that my husband was not like this at all when our son was born. He was extremely involved in the pregnancy. He came to every OB appointment, constantly talked to/read to/rubbed my belly, stayed in the room all 26.5 hours of labor (oh, yeah), slept in the hospital with us every night until we were released, and made sure to give himself plenty of “daddy and baby” time after our son was born, so I could get a break.
Everyone has sad/tired/frustrated thoughts after such a dramatic life change…the sleep deprivation and the lack of personal space/time is really hard to adjust to. But to write a book in which those brief frustrations become the main focus—overshadowing the joy and honor and responsibility of new parenthood—is incredibly sad, pessimistic, and, I think, detrimental to the psyche of new fathers who may pick this book up.
How will putting out a book that dwells on the confusing, sad, disconnected moments of early fatherhood help new dads overcome these emotions and form the bond that is needed for them to maintain a healthy relationship with their daughters and sons? What does this book do to HELP new dads, besides getting them to focus on their gripes and “losses” associated with their new roles?
MaeBelle
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:25 pm: [report]
Men are pathetic. Grow up and realize that a child is 50% their responsibility too.
elpee
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]
Some people think “oh #&@$% wtf do i do this this thing” when their child is born. I believe that it happens to men and women equally, but if a man says it it’s like, ‘boys will be boys’ (and we don’t hear too much about it anyway) but if a woman says it people think she is a BAD MOTHER. (What kind of woman doesn’t naturally feel connected to her baby! She! Is! Satan!) Women have so much pressure to not admit this—to not say it. We are so judgmental of mothers that sometime i think we take out all our personal insecurities on them.
But what do I know? I’m not a mom. I just have one. (And she kicks ass.)
323Felicity
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 02:50 pm: [report]
right @elpee. after my son was born, i had ppd for awhile, and some of these thoughts might have flashed in my head (of course i would never have acted upon them) and i was too scared to tell anyone about it for fear they would think i was a horrible person.
majicksand
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 03:25 pm: [report]
I’m glad someone resurrected this thread. I’m actually trying to get pregnant again. We thought it was a done deal, but alas, we must keep having sex until we get it right. (poor me
) My wonderful husband who cannot stand discussions (much less the sight) of blood, needles, or carnage in any form, has solemnly vowed to share the responsibilities of the new baby. He even agreed to be in the delivery room as long as he can stay by my head and not actually have to watch the birth from the ‘front row’. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to watch either.