Do You Have To Go Online To Get A Date?
Posted by: Lauren Fritsky
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Monday June 22nd 2009
A guy friend told me last month that despite his ability to meet women when he’s out, he has several online dating profiles. He, like some of my other friends, suggested I set up an account on Match.com or its equivalent now that I’ve reentered the dating scene after several years.
When I gave him the same line I’d given other people—“I don’t think I need to”—he said, quite matter-of-factly, “Everybody needs to. It’s just how things are going to be now.”
Statistics show that the recession (and the fading stigma of meeting people over the computer) is upping the number of men and women visiting online dating sites – last winter, Match.com had its strongest fourth quarter in the last seven years. If things keep going at that rate, maybe my guy pal is onto something. It got me thinking: is online dating going to soon be a requirement if you want to date at all?
Opinions vary. Monique Scott, 23, from San Francisco, says she set up some profiles to get reacquainted with the dating game after a breakup and avoid wasting time on the wrong guys.
“When I did go out and meet guys with friends, they just weren’t for me,” said Scott, who writes about her exploits for the blog BitchBuzz. “They weren’t mature enough, or they lived too far away, or they were too short, or they were douche-bags, or they were way too full of themselves, or they weren’t in a place to pursue something serious.”
Scott also thought going online could stretch her dating pool beyond her social and work circles. But Rachel from San Diego likes fishing in that pool. She’s met guys in every place from a GMAT class to a cocktail party with her mom. She’s turned off by the promise of an insta-soul mate some dating sites seem to offer and says it’s easy to meet men—if you put yourself out there and create opportunities for them to approach you.
“Personally, I think it’s more low pressure to meet people in person,” she said. “I’m much wittier online, and I think pretty much everyone else is too, so I would hate to think I had a great banter with someone and then hear awkward cricket chirps on our date.”
Are women like Rachel a dying breed? Not necessarily, says Terri Sloane, a dating coach in New York. While she thinks online dating sites are going to increase in number and in specificity (like a site for Trekkies only), she also feels the recent emphasis in our society on returning to a simpler, cheaper lifestyle is going to transfer to dating.
“Everything in the world is going green, more natural and more pure,” she said. “The one-on-one connection would be more natural. That still is the most common.”
What do you think: Will online dating replace regular dating or will the traditional method always have its place? Do you prefer one or the other or both? Or is online dating just a waste of time?
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EarthGoddess
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
As I commented to John DeVore’s latest column, I met my husband online. For the past few years, online has been the way to go for the vast majority of my friends. VERY few couples seem to be meeting in person first anymore. Making an initial cyber-connection is the new normal. I’ve known a few people who have relocated in the past few years and have created dating profiles listing their new cities before moving in order to start the process before their arrival. One guy I know said it would be “social suicide” for him if he moved from CA to NYC without having at least something casual started. So, it seems like it is becoming a necessity anymore.
DancerNinja
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
IN response to above, I made a decision to not be in any sort of relationship for at least 6 months when I moved to CA. That’s a whole ‘nother conversation though.
Where DO people meet anymore? I know I don’t have time to lollygag at bars or coffee shops or take continued education classes at the local colleges. Free time is sparse, and meeting people online to set advanced dates to meet in those free moments just makes good sense for lots of people.
likeOMGkbye
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
This online trend makes me sad. I don’t think meeting and communicating with people online should be the new norm. Technology’s takeover of our lives really does make me sad. I understand if you are older and have a career and blah blah blah, maybe you need some help. But 20-somethings and even some 30-somethings still have opportunities to go out and meet people the real way. People’s dependence on the internet and instant gratification have become obscene, and I’ve seen quite a few failures from those sights regardless.
pvent
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
What about the idea of a group date that is arranged online? This way you know that you will be meeting people but there isn’t the pressure of a one-on-one date.
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
@pvent, that’s an interesting idea. Like you and your friends with him and his friends or something?
LeeLeeG
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]
What happened to the grand awkward first-date meeting that you can’t just log-out of if your date sucks? What happened to the creative excuses to ditch your date at the restaurant because you can’t take him seriously with all that food in his teeth or because her perfume smells like yesterdays gym socks?
The terrible,horrible, no good, very bad dates are what makes the good ones great, grand, wonderful, and successful.
Yea, you can date online. I’m not saying there are not success stories out there but it just is not the same. Where is the romance in that? A courtship of emails and text messages with a steamy video chat here and there? Please.
Stop hiding behind your screens, man up/woman up, and get out there and get some fresh air! You never know who you might run in to!
powplz
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
@leeleeG - a lot of people just find each other online and then set up the “grand awkward first date” instead of developing the relationship iteself online.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
@LeeLeeG: Like joyy said, the online-only portion of the relationship can be quite short. My hubby and I only emailed for a week before meeting, but we had an LDR from then on until we were married, so the steamy emails/calls/texts/chats sustained me on a lot of lonely nights away from him. I still have my favorites saved and I sometimes look back and them now and smile.
LawGirl
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 05:39 pm: [report]
A lot of my amazing girlfriends have begun using online dating. If these girls have to go online to find dates, I don’t know who has any luck traditionally anymore! I definitely think the dating scene will continue to grow online, but even with the increase, I don’t know many young 20-somethings who have had much success.
Personally, I think the girls on these sites are much better catches than the guys! Girls go online to get away from the players and d-bags, but guys? I think the quality is a bit lacking!
I wrote about this on my new blog too
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
@LawGirl: I aspire to law school as well, but your thinking is flawed. Girls who are turned off by men in the real world whom are d-bags are only going to find 50x the number of d-bags online. The only way to succeed at this is to legitimately put yourself out there and hope that someone seems interested enough in your flaws and idiosyncrasies.
bbpickles
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
Where does one go to meet someone? I have NEVER met anyone that turned into a relationship at a bar, for the most part I meet my bf’s at work. I am currently unemployed because I am going back to school, and I am older than most people in my classes. I am 27 doing papers and group projects with 18-21 year olds…..
I am leery of online dating because every guys profile says the same thing!
rajuraju
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 12:05 am: [report]
k good..
avalari
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 05:34 am: [report]
I resorted to match as a last Ditch effort. Actually, I went to EHarmony and it was complete crap. But, I digress…I was really “putting myself out there” for 6 months and didn’t get so much as a hello. I work 11 hour days and then get to the gym after so it leaves little time for clubbing. And who meets a good guy at a bar, honestly? After practically stalking guys at Starbuck and the local Borders, I ended up on Match. I was suspicious and embarassed to be on there, but I was at my wits end. The first guy I agreed to meeting to was amazing, and we’ve been together for 3 months. (Of course, we tell people we met another way. haha) But my point is, it’s working for more and more people.
duckie
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
my fiance asked for my phone number when I was working at an art store. I sold him a pen lol. One thing I have to comment on is that there are some qualities/interests that my fiance has that I wouldn’t think I would want in a mate, but do. Online dating doesn’t guarantee that it will put you with people who are compatable with you, or you might reject someone because they’re too short or old or whatever when it really may not be a factor. I think it would be helpful if people were more open in their day to day interactions… and not for just dating- I would never know my running partner, and now good friend if she never interrupted my jog when I was going past her house. If you have time to be online you have time to go find people “traditionally”. If you prefer meeting people online, then do that.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 10:33 pm: [report]
I have tried dating every way but speed dating, and I am now with someone I met at a party six years ago and struck up a long-time acquaintanceship with (which has been punctuated by the occasional steamy makeout session). He’s superhot so I’ve crushed on him the entire time, pretty much. I don’t think there’s a straightforward answer anymore. It’s so hard just to meet people you click with; you should never close yourself off to any methods that may work.
DontHaveAnyCoolName
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 07:09 am: [report]
I think canadiancutie says it nicely…furthermore, why is it referred to as online “dating”? I suppose SOME people might conduct purely online relationships of various flavors, but honestly; isn’t online simply just another alternative method for encountering people? Beyond the encounter (online profile), anything further is pretty much the same as if you hit on that hottie at Starbucks, isn’t it? If anything, you have more information from a profile (assuming it’s honest) than you do from the random, in-person encounter.
In my mind, there is a great advantage to using these websites to encounter others; except for the fakes/weirdos/creeps (they exist “in real life” too) with at least one other interest in common: meeting people with an interest in POSSIBLE dating. I don’t suggest avoiding any opportunity to meet people…I just think the online alternative is a pretty good one, and the stigma is un-deserved.
jojo32
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 07:35 am: [report]
I met my boyfriend online. I tried a couple of different paid sites, but ended up meeting him on a free one “plenty of fish (dot) com”. Believe me, I waded thru a TON of fakes, losers, bullsh*tters, and the like before I came across him. I figured it was a good way to just meet a bunch of guys. I didnt carry on extended relationships online. If I was interested, I’d suggest we meet. I did go out with a few guys who were totally not my type once we met, but big deal. It’s one (or 2) nights.
Finally I met him, and I am not the least bit ashamed or embarrassed about the way we met. I tell everyone - “Met him online”. We’ve been together almost 5 months and it’s possibly the best relationship I’ve ever been in. And I was married before this. So that should count for something.
Just give it a try. There is no harm in it…just remember to be safe, meet in public places, etc…
LolaGirl
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]
Personally I hate speed dating and match [dot] com is pretty lame. Too much dumb $#!+ guys who are married, cheating, etc.
There are some dating services that blur the line between online dating and real life dating. In new york there are these Cupid’s Lab parties every once in a while where single people get together and you can send people crushes over their phones without the fear of getting publicly rejected. You can also match people up.
I don’t know if it’s more effective than ‘regular’ online dating or going to bars, but it’s a good time. Plus you get to see everyone in person, so you can tell right away if the guy claiming to be 5’10 is really 5’4”. :-D
CraftLass
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 05:08 am: [report]
Online dating didn’t exist when I was last single (the ‘net was pretty much all text then, lol) but I’ve been watching friends and acquaintances, both male and female, try it and it’s rather interesting. I agree with the poster above who said if you have time for online dating, you have time to use other methods, because it seems like searching profiles and putting out those first feelers takes HOURS. I also don’t know one person who has had a 3rd date with someone they met that way so far. It’s amazing that some people do find their match, but I just haven’t personally met any of them. I do know one couple who met through a video game online, but they are a very new couple and live on different continents, so the jury is still out on that one.
That said, every person I know who is single is at least trying that way. This is in NYC, where there are plenty of ways to meet people, too, without ever stepping foot in a bar.
I have a question, though: How many couples who met at bars actually last? It seems like, before online dating, everyone in a serious relationship met through mutual friends, by starting a conversation randomly in the street or a store, or (most commonly) at work. I never understood the notion that people go to bars to meet anyone but a one-night-stand or a player, because that’s what you usually find in bars, so I also don’t get that people lament the slow death of the bar scene.
Has anyone here tried going to Meetups to find dates? I’ve recommended that to a few people, I’ve met some cool friends that way and it seems like being in a room full of people you KNOW you have something in common with is a great way to start something.
It’s hard for many people to meet someone online or off. Is it good that there are many more ways to meet someone than there used to be? Yes. Is online dating a cure-all for loneliness? Heck no. Do people lie plenty on sites? Heck yeah. There are plenty of guys I’ve met who openly admit to posting fake stuff to make sure a woman “can’t find me later” a la Barney Stinson. That brings us back to the bar scene, essentially.
My favorite thing about online dating, though, has nothing to do with dating itself - it’s taught all of my friends that you MUST be super-careful on ALL early dates. We have a sort of network set up where anyone going on a date with someone new has to share all the info. they have on their date and then text one of us all night, every time they change locations, etc. Added to meeting in very public places and such, it really a good thing (after all, a real creep can do all sorts of things, even in a crowded place, and it’s impossible to spot the scariest creeps on sight).
BlueVibe
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 08:05 am: [report]
I don’t think it will ever *replace* regular dating, but I don’t think it’s useless, either.
I recently met somebody online whom I would never have found in real life because we have completely different work schedules, even though we live near each other. We emailed for awhile and then started meeting “in real life.”
Not that it hasn’t been said before, but where do you meet people in real life these days?? I work all day and have to go home and take care of my dog, so I can’t stay in the city after hours. There aren’t any good places to meet people near my house (just sports bars. I don’t like sports or alcohol that much). There aren’t any young-ish, single, straight, men at my church. Or at my job. I’m not the coffee-shop type. We do not have dog parks in my area.
I don’t know why people take “online dating” so literally—it’s usually more like “online meeting” followed by real-life dating. I don’t know anybody who’s ever kept it strictly online for any length of time.
duckie
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
I just saw a statistic that 1 in 8 couple met online in I believe 2006 or so. So that’s not great but not horrible odds. I think most people meet each other through mutual friends. But I know people who met at community badminton team, or I was working at an art store and my fiance was a customer and that’s how we met. I think if people we as upfront and direct about wanting to date in real life as they are on the computer it would be a lot easier to meet people in person. It doesn’t have to be cheesy or gross, just you see some one anywhere… yoga, the grocery store… and say hey I’m so-and-so….. would you like to exchange numbers and have coffee/walk our dogs together/etc some time.