Do I Really Need To Say Goodbye To My Single Life Before I Can Find Love?

Posted by: Ami Angelowicz Filed in: relationships
11:00AM, Monday October 12th 2009

Comments (15)

Do I Really Need To Say Goodbye To My Single Life Before I Can Find Love?

I was a little bit unsettled when I read a recent Cary Tennis column on Salon called “I’m 32 already. Time to get married!” I realized that I could have written the question myself (well, I just want to meet someone great). A woman is torn between wanting to meet a life partner and wanting to follow every fun, salacious flirtation that comes her way – because, after all, isn’t that the best part of being single? Tending to choose the latter, she knows that it will not ultimately get her what she wants.

It really hit home when she said, “It seems like I have only two options—be myself, have fun, and then get rejected; or be constantly on guard, suspicious of all men, keep them at arm’s length, and maybe get a second date.” Get outta my head, lady! That is totally my dating dilemma—being forced to choose between bad and worse. Being experienced enough to know that there are no guarantees, it only makes it easier for me to choose the path of least resistance … go with the moment and throw away the future. But in the end, the moment passes and the empty future lurks ahead.

Cary does offer an alternative option, and I’m not so sure it sounds very fun to me—say goodbye to your single life. Cary writes:

“How do you become ready to move from one stage of life to the next? It helps to openly admit that it’s going to be sad to leave this stage of life you’ve enjoyed so much ... Give away what you have been withholding and withhold what you’ve been giving away. It means get real. Tell him you want a man to fall in love with and stay with, and if that’s a problem for him then OK there are plenty of chicks … because if you want a lifetime relationship it will be full of honesty and vulnerability and pain.”

A lifetime of honesty, vulnerability, and pain? Ack! Does that sound really unappealing to anyone else? Wait … if that’s what it’s like—do I even want that? I am imagining how this recommendation would play out in real life.

“Hi. I’m Ami. I want to get married eventually. I am wounded from years of empty and unsuccessful dating and am ready to get vulnerable. So are you up for it? Because, if you’re not, there are plenty of other chicks out there.”

How fast would that guy be out the door? And after I drop that bomb, according to Cary, I am supposed to: “Waste this dude’s time. You are not looking for a dude who is checking his watch to see if you’ve taken your clothes off yet. You’re being your true, cautious, wounded, loving self. You do not want a man who is looking for convenience. You’re ready for a new kind of life. Open the door to it thoroughly, passionately, completely, and I have a feeling it will come.” Well, I’m not so certain.

There must be another way. Do I really have to say goodbye to my single life in order to find love? Anyone out there have any suggestions that include me still having fun while trying to meet someone special and not baring my vagina or my soul on the first date? Please advise or else I guess I’ll see you at the funeral for my single life.

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Tags: love advice, marriage, single, commitment

Comments (15)

comments

bethlynn00
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]

I guess I don’t understand how your single life and your marriage mindedness can be separated? I think anyone who is single has both working, so looking for commitment or marriage doesn’t mean you have to stop having fun. I mean I think it is a mistake not to live in those fun moments and just focus on planning out your whole future with every guy, because honestly you never know what could happen. It’s self-defeating to limit yourself when it comes to finding love.

aminata
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]

What Cary is talking about is being brave enough to let those dudes run out the door. If they are not ready for you to be honest, do you really want them? Hiding one’s true desires is the root cause of game playing in relationships. Then when the truth finally comes out, say 2,3 years later and one person finds the other doesn’t want the same thing out of the relationship, then the funk really hits the fan. Wouldn’t it have been easier if people were upfront. Not on the first date mind you but in the first couple of months?

I really felt what Cary wrote. I am in that exact point in my life where I am being honest with myself about my desire to be a wife. I’m not desperate nor do I want a traditional princess wedding (I think wedding gowns are ugly and I want an engagement ring with a pearl and emeralds). I don’t feel like I should compromise that desire just to hang on to a guy. Cuz I want the right guy to be with me, not just any cute guy. And I want him to be there because he wants to be. It hurts a bit to let guys walk but you know what? I feel like in the long run I will get the guy who accepts me as I am because I will be presenting myself honestly.

@bethlynn00: your comment was so on target. Thanks for sharing.

C.Munro
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]

I’m not the kind of guy who’s looking to hit it and quit it, but if a woman brings up wanting marriage and other such soul-baring on a first date I won’t be interested in a second one. It just reeks of desperation.

That whole idea of looking for someone, waiting for someone, all that is a red flag to me. I don’t want someone who’s looking and trying to make things happen. Ideally, I’d like to enjoy my single life until someone comes along who makes me want to give it up for her. My single status isn’t a burden I’m anxious to ditch; I like my life the way it is, and if nobody ever comes along I’m OK with that. But if I do meet someone, I want it to be someone with the same general outlook I have. Not someone who desperate to fix what she sees as a hole in her life.

LilMissSunshine
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]

Damn I wrote a comment I was so proud of and it just vanished into thin air. I’ll try to replicate it.

My advice is to be yourself. I have a very good friend who slept with his wife the first night they met. Yes his now wife and the mother of his child, and he thinks he’s the luckiest man alive. Every love develops differently. If you see a problem with the way you are playing the dating and mating game, then good heavens change your behavior. Otherwise keep calm and carry on.

Lexington
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]

As much as I would love to find the guy, you know, the one with the white horse who’s supposed to sweep you off your feet and make googly eyes at you for the rest of your life, there’s no way I can come on that strong at the beginning. In fact, I think it’s because I’m that interested in commitment and the right person that when I do meet a guy, I insist on taking it really, ridiculously slow at the beginning. I know I want that long-term, right thing, so getting serious with someone who I don’t know, or have reservations about, just seems pointless to me.

It has also become clear to me that I need the chase, or I just feel bored and smothered myself- if you’re looking for the right person, shouldn’t you go slowly enough to make sure that this actually is the right person and not someone who’s just looking for anyone, no matter who it is? I want… not perfection, but attraction, chemistry and compatibility, and settling is just going to make you unhappy for the next 50 years or whatever.

Pdro-D
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]

I don’t agree that you need to be upfront about everything in order to be “honest”. Women appear frantic when they state their life’s goals and hardships because we men realize that you actually have no idea what you want right now. To the point about choosing a lifestyle (single gal or committed wife), why not both? Most cities are big enough to get away with it, and frankly it is the most honest thing you can do. Relationship guys will respect the “relationship” you and “flirty” you can still have fun, at least until you find the right guy. In the meantime, you’re not playing a role and that makes you confident, desirable, and (most importantly), worthy of respect.

pragmatryst
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]

@Ami Angelowicz: “Anyone out there have any suggestions that include me still having fun while trying to meet someone special?”

If you are looking to settle down and start a family with a mortgage, college fund, term life insurance, and weekend trips to the in-laws, then living a club-hopping, martini-sipping, toothbrush and a pair of underwear in a carry-on bag for an impromptu weekend in Montreal lifestyle probably isn’t going to put you on the path to domestic bliss. Then again, a white picket fence in the suburbs with a dog and 2.5 kids may not be what you want out of a long-term relationship. Some couples opt for the Dual-Income-No-Kids freedom to customize a loft in Manhattan, eat at the trendiest restaurants, take week-long bed-and-breakfast bike tours through New Hampshire and sip box wine at art gallery openings in soon-to-be-gentrified edgy neighborhoods. That (or your version of that) would seem to mesh better with your current fun-loving singlehood, but beware. If you are hoping to exercise the Norman Rockwell clause on your globe trotting partnership contract in 3-5 years you may find that your witty sophisticated up-for-anything Renaissance man isn’t up for anything that includes disposable diapers and pushing a stroller in Park Slope.

The oversimplified answer to your question is that you have to live your life the way you want. But if the future you envision for yourself doesn’t resemble the life you are currently living, logic would dictate that you either don’t really want what you say you do, or you need to start making some deliberate changes in order to get there. However, you don’t need to surgically remove all the fun from your life as part of some extreme personality makeover. I read a quote once that defined “happiness” as “the successive achievement of goals that are worthwhile to the individual.” The lesson there is that it’s not all about finally meeting “the one” or “having it all”, it’s about enjoying the process of pursuing your passions one small (dare I say fun) step at a time. As for how “finding love” fits into that picture, I don’t think you find it as much as it finds you once you have enough confidence in yourself and comfort with your intuition to recognize an opportunity that could be good for you. Then you just need to take the initiative and invite it over for coffee and an orange scone.

joyy
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]

This sounds way more like “I suck at relationships and need to get better because I eventually want to be in a solid, ltr/marriage” than “I want to get married so I have to say goodbye to my fun single days to prepare for that.”

I say be who you are and when you find a guy who can keep up with you, work at the relationship, because that’s what relationships are.

TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]

“...if you want a lifetime relationship it will be full of honesty and vulnerability and pain.”

Yes, it’s true. Life is messy, so you should tell him. Well, not on the first date, but don’t wait until 2 years later when it’s “should I stay or should I go?” time. Marriage is full of honesty and vulnerability and pain. (Those are the good marriages. The bad ones are full of dishonesty and guardedness and—here’s a surprise—pain.) But marriage isn’t JUST those things—there’s also joy. There’s also boredom and the necessities: buying the groceries, cleaning the house, changing diapers, etc. I think it’s easy (or easier) to find someone you can enjoy doing the fun stuff with (hey—who doesn’t like to have fun?), but finding someone you enjoy doing the boring stuff with—now THAT’S a challenge.

I guess I’ve gotten off-topic here. The point is: Yes, tell him what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for fun, tell him that. If you want to find someone to marry, tell him. Now that I think of it, maybe you SHOULD tell him on the first date. If that scares him off, isn’t it better that he leaves sooner than later so you can continue looking for someone who won’t be scared off? Personally, I find it liberating when I put myself out there like that and say: This is who I am—take me or leave me. (No, I don’t say it that bluntly. Even *I* have tact!) Be honest. If he can’t cope with that, you really don’t need him in your life.

dizzy
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 10:36 pm: [report]

” Ideally, I’d like to enjoy my single life until someone comes along who makes me want to give it up for her. “

Well said, C. Munro. That’s how I felt.

TotallyRidiculous
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 08:06 am: [report]

I don’t see how you can just ditch your single life and magically find love. How are you going to meet people if you aren’t out there socializing? Just change your game a little. Maybe instead of going home with the cute guy from the bar, give him you number (or get his) and go on a date. And like everyone else who has commented, I think baring your soul on the first date is crazy talk. It’ll only work on sappy, desperate guys who would probably fall in love with anyone with a pulse.

majicksand
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]

The “what are you looking for?” conversation has to happen organically. If you’re looking for the LTR/marriage guy, don’t hook up with the obvious player. When you meet a guy who might have long term possibilities, you’ll most likely end up in the “goals” conversation over dinner within the first couple of dates. You can casually mention that you would like to get married and have kids someday while discussing career plans. You don’t have to whip out a wedding planner to let him know you’re not interested in a fling.

cooldad
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]

I think having a busy life - friends, hobbies, exercising, etc - is key to being attractive and successful in finding a LT squeeze. Besides the confidence that goes with becoming accomplished in a range of activities, you will be naturally cool when approaching typical dating concerns - when’s the next call/date, etc. In fact, several days will fly by without your wondering 5X/day about when & if there’ll be a call. It’s impossible to just act casual, if, in fact, you’re just sitting home watching the clock tick. The other person shouldn’t think that they’re at the top of your thoughts too early in the relationship. Don’t act - be cool, because you are.

hawaiianpeach
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 07:15 pm: [report]

No just be happy with yourself and be available…