Debate This: Do You Have To Return The Ring If The Engagement Ends?
Posted by: Catherine Strawn
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Wednesday March 26th 2008
Engagements are all congratulatory wishes and bridal showers until they end without a wedding. Along with the usual breakup activities—“dividing of things,” “starting over of lives”—there’s the even more awkward “deciding of who gets to keep the 10-karat (or 1-karat) ring.” According to a Conde Nast Bridal Media study, the average engagement ring cost is $4,435, so this ain’t chump change. We ask two people in the wedding industry who gets to keep the rock, after the jump, and then ask you to take a position in the comments.
The ring should always be returned. It’s a token of the marriage to come, and when that marriage doesn’t happen, that token becomes inappropriate. Why would you want a reminder of a failed relationship? It’s not like this is a consolation prize in monetary value. Even if the man cheats, that’s not what this is about. If you’ve already said goodbye to the relationship, it’s time to say goodbye to the ring. —Anna Post, author of Emily Post’s Wedding Parties
Usually the engagement ring is a gift in expectation of a promise, that promise being marriage. Typically, if that promise doesn’t come to fruition, the engagement ring should be returned. However, there are certain exceptions, including when the ring is given when it could also be construed as a regular gift. For example, if the gift is given on a birthday, that could be a birthday gift, a Christmas gift, and so on. She could say, “Wait a minute, he didn’t give me a birthday gift, he gave me an engagement ring, that’s my gift.” Maybe it wasn’t a promise that was given, maybe it was just a straight gift. That’s when I would believe that she would have some grounds to stand on for keeping the ring. —Seth Bloomgarden, a director and gemologist at Belenky Brothers, a six-generation jeweler with clients ranging from rock stars to royalty.
We say: If he cheats or breaks off the engagement for a reason that doesn’t pertain to something bad that she did, she should be able to keep the ring, if she wants. However, if the engagement is called off by mutual decision, if she breaks it off on her own accord, or if she cheats or does something pathological, the ring goes back to him. So what do you think? We’re dying to hear your thoughts on the subject!
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Shannon
wrote on March 26 2008 @ 11:32 am: [report]
If he cheated on me or something equally heinous, I’d personally get a cheap thrill out of throwing it back at his face and watch him scramble for it. I don’t think I would want it around if the engagement ended. That being said, if it was a gift and I needed the money, I’d probably sell it.
VerbalVenus
wrote on March 26 2008 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
Totally agree with Frisky girls and Shannon on this. A friend just had her fiance call off their planned June wedding (for no apparent reason). She had moved in with him, let go of her apt. and gave away her furniture. I told her to pawn that #&@$% to pay the security and broker’s fee for a new apt; and to get some furniture.
cbass8
wrote on March 26 2008 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
I’m a 100% in the “if it’s his fault, I get the diamond” camp.
It only seems fair, right?
Elle
wrote on March 26 2008 @ 06:12 pm: [report]
If it’s a mutual breakup then she should give the ring back. If the wedding is called off because of something he did (cheating, etc), then the woman should keep it, sell it, trash it or do whatever else will make her happy.
Amelia
wrote on March 26 2008 @ 07:02 pm: [report]
Yeah, that’s my vote too. Some people may say, “Oh, she wants to keep the ring because she’s greedy and money clearly is all that mattered in the first place.” Wrong. VENGEANCE and PUNISHMENT are what matter. If the dude effed up, it’s not about keeping the ring for sentimental value, it’s about hurting him and making him face emotional and financial pain!
niceguy11
wrote on March 31 2008 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
you didn’t pay for it… you should give it back… what if she cheated and then won’t give the ring back? people that use money to punish other people for the stuff that happens in everyday life are the reasons why our society is so fixated on things like prenups…
Amelia
wrote on March 31 2008 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
If she cheated, she should give it back. But if he cheated, she should be able to do whatever she wants with it. Including throwing it off a bridge.
niceguy11
wrote on March 31 2008 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
Also re “if a woman were the one to cheat” then by that logic it’s justifiable for the man to send her a 4500$ bill? Or OK you give the ring back but most likely the man will still take a loss to some degree on the resale value of the ring. I guess it’s loose loose for men on this one.
Amelia
wrote on March 31 2008 @ 03:14 pm: [report]
NiceGuy, you have a point in that if she cheats and gives the ring back, the dude is still screwed because the value of the ring has probably gone down. So in that sense, I am sorry.
Rosa
wrote on November 11 2008 @ 08:49 pm: [report]
I just have to say that I just returned a $20k ring to my former fiancee and it HURTS to part with such a beautiful ring.
Britteja
wrote on November 19 2008 @ 01:55 am: [report]
Shannon
Elle
Amelia
...cheers.
I’m not British, that’ just all I have to say!
VickyGeez
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
My X fiance after 5 year live in relationship decided to activly look for another girl inbetween college classes, this may have been because I told him 6 months earlyer that were pretty much like best freinds, we dont have sex anymore, he said, you know youre right. He said he’d never had sex with any of the girls, but he thought he was in love with one of them anyway. I said then were breaking up and I gave him back the $10k diamond ring. I hated to do it, but I got the car which really didnt mean much because together we only payed off 10k of that out of 35k owed. I was the only one with the drivers lisence and the car was in my name. The ring was given as a gift on my birthday. I did however keep the 3/4 ct diamond necklace. What’s sick is his mom found my ring took it without Michael’s permition resized it and now shes wearing it. That pisses me off more then anything. And now she’s demanding I giver her my car too! Dude who’s relationship was this? What a bitch.
-VickyGeez
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I say either way, no matter who cheated the ring should come back. I know almost all female posts (note the ALMOST lol) will say if he cheats or breaks it off for no reason Im keeping it. An engagement ring is in no way a gift in my mind but something signifying and event that is planned to happen. Therefor if it doesnt happen no amtter the reason then that negates the point of having it. I know those who have been scorned will say ” he serves it” “he’s a cheating bastard” and so forth but that is really letting emotions rule actions and only feeding into the negative sterotype that women are ruled by emotions. Even if its true that emotions are a huge part of life for women, this particular scenario doesnt benefit the ideals for their sex in my opinion.
I know being cheated on must be horrible and the release of that anger would be throw it off a bridge or sell it but if you are mature enough to get married you should be mature enough to give it back, even if HE wasnt and acted like a child by cheating. A guy is damned both ways, if he cheats and she keeps it and sells it then he just put several thousand dollars in the pocket of an ex. If she cheats then he can TRY to send her a bill but good luck getting that paid OR if she returns it, it has lost so much value you that he will take a big hit.
I know in 1 state I believe, t is now law that if an engagement dissolves for any reason, the woman is obligated to give the ring back, and so if he if she bought him something. Besides, eng rings are gifts like I said, and its soooo lopsided to begin with. The disparity in price and thought put into design between men and womens engagement/marriage rings is a joke. Might as well tie a hospital type band around our finger because thats how signifcant they seem. So I say give the rings back to both sides no matter what and move on. (all just my opinion)
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
PS…..pardon may many spelling errors lol. I got on a roll.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
damn even my waiver had an error lol.