Debate This: Should You Out A Cheater?
Posted by: Lauren Gitlin
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Friday April 10th 2009
By the time you hit your Saturn Return, the probability that you’ve been on the giving or receiving end of a romantic infidelity is about as high as your credit card debt. But what happens when you’re privy to the less than virtuous activities of a friend or acquaintance’s significant other? The moral conundrum of whether or not to out a cheater is fraught with shoot-the-messenger peril and weighted with Golden Rule considerations. And the potential outcome of ratting out a rat is just as complex and diverse. Should you risk life and limb to unveil the truth or keep your nose out of someone else’s business? Two ladies argue the costs.
| HELL YES, TELL HER! | IT'S NONE OF YO' BUSINESS |
|---|---|
| Years ago I lived with my best friend who was a gay guy. He had become friends with a girl he worked with. So the four of us—me, my friend, his friend, and her boyfriend—started to hang out a lot. My friend started to develop a crush on his friend's boyfriend. One night they hung out at the beach alone and messed around. When I confronted him, he finally admitted to me what had happened. I had become friends with the girl by this point. I told my roommate he needed to 'fess up. He didn't. Then I went to the boyfriend: “You tell her or I will.” He didn't. I finally told her what happened. Ultimately it sort of worked out in her favor because she was getting fed up with her boyfriend (he was an alcoholic and had cheated before) and had developed a crush on another guy she worked with. So my telling her freed her to go and explore that. After that, she and I actually became best friends. She said I was the only person in her life who was honest with her. And she appreciated that. The biggest driving force was that it happened in our circle of friends. The four of us kept hanging out and she was the only one who didn't know. And that's not fair. I got to the point where I couldn't not tell her. I knew that I was going to lose at least a few friends over it, maybe all three of them. I didn't want to get involved. But it just came to the point where I had to. In the end, wouldn't you want to know? "Claire McCracken," 26, Kansas City, MO | When confronted with evidence of a friend's boyfriend's cheating, you're, of course, compelled at first to tell her about it, but I've never found that to be a good thing in the end. Depending on how crazy about him she is, she's going to do one of four things: 1) Call you a liar, especially if your evidence is hearsay, and it usually is. 2) Break up with him, but ultimately resent you for throwing a monkey wrench in a -- in her mind -- awesome relationship. 3) Stay with him anyway, which will make things insanely awkward between the three of you going forward. 4) The less frequent dream outcome -- she thanks you profusely, dumps him and listens to your boy-judging wisdom forever and ever. I know the fourth reaction isn't unprecedented, but it has never, ever happened to me. I always get the other ones. It just isn’t worth it, and besides – when someone is frequently cheating you, don't you always kind of know it? You either choose to ignore it or not, and if you're going with the former, you don't want someone else butting in and essentially telling you you're wrong for doing that. Especially not a friend. Anonymous, 25, New York City |
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Little Lamb
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
If I found out this was happening to one of my very close friends and I was sure beyond shadow of a doubt that it was happening/had happened, I would approach the cheater with the “if you don’t tell her, I will” line.
Otherwise…it’s someone else’s job to be the bearer of bad news.
miss game
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
Im sorry… but did the ‘pro’ side have the bf cheating with a DUDE?
I think that is a TOTALLY different situation. I would bet that girl was suspicious of her bf’s preferences WAY before the cheating incident. I mean, he cheated on her with a guy…
That is such a bizarre story.
EastCoastMale
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
I think even in the case of being absolutely positive it is not anyones business but the couple and the third party. Sucky situation but thats life, some things are tough, let them find out or figure it out for themselves.
saysay
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
If I know my friend is being cheated on…I’m going to tell him/her, I could NEVER allow someone I care about to look like an idiot. If they choose to not believe me or stay with their cheating significant other, then I’ll just remove myself from the situation. I’ve been the bearer of bad news on 2 occasions. The first time she stayed, and her boyfriend hated me. I didn’t really care though, and years later after she finally ended it with him she thanked me and we’ve stayed great friends. People may get angry with you but at least they know you’re honest.
missduplicity
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
Nope. If I wouldn’t out a friend for cheating (and I wouldn’t), then I wouldn’t out a friend’s friend, either. I don’t think it’s fair to make judgements on other people’s relationships unless you’re invited to. Now, if a friend were to ask me if I thought her significant other was cheating, I might admit to knowledge, but, if she’s not asking, I’m not telling, and that goes for pretty much anybody.
Chelle
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
If I actually witnessed it, I would definitely tell my friend. If I’m friends with both halves of the couple I might have to keep my mouth shut though. It’s a tricky thing either way. I know I would be very upset if a friend of mine witnessed my hypothetical boyfriend cheat and didn’t tell me. Hearsay is another story. I wouldn’t upset a friend because of a rumor that may or may not be true.
EastCoastMale
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
Missduplicity, my thoughts exactly. If someone asks me point blank and I know the person is, I wont lie and I will out them but if someone is cheating and I know about it, even if they are my friend thats not my business.
bogart4017
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 01:17 pm: [report]
I always make it clear to friends to keep their dirt far away from me. If i don’t know anything i don’t have to cover. If you tell a woman they resent you for being the messenger. A man most likely will go into secret-agent man mode and want you to go with him.
And anyway most women who cheat are way slicker than men and less likely to get caught. Fellas—i don’t know what our problem is. Its like you want to be caught. You know if you leave your cell laying around 9 out of 10 women start going through it. You leave matchbook covers with mysterious phone numbers in your jeans pocket when you know your wife/woman washed the clothes. Why dont you just admit it??
sparklestar
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
I *know* for certain that my ex (best friends with my boyfriend!) has been cheating on every single girl he dated after me. Hell, he dated on me 3 times. When he cheated on me it was in the beginning of the relationship and I just let it go. Eh…
Anyway, he’s been dipping his sausage in any sauce that’s been going around ! At one point he was dating 3 girls at once and bragging about his sexual exploits to his friends (us).
I just can’t bear to out him. It’d cause too many problems. I also need to stop bringing STD’s into the conversation all the time when one of the girls is around too!!!!!!
Argh.
retro chic
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
I’m with Lamb, I would just out the cheater to the cheater… just the looming threat of telling the other is usually enough to make said cheater paranoid, make mistakes then out himself… which, I guess, speaks to bogart’s theory of guilt and wanting to be caught.
fasinations
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
it really does matter how much that person is into him
hereshestands
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 10:48 pm: [report]
If someone was cheating on my best friend. I would tell her straight up. Definitely. I’d be there for her and support her.
LaGiulia
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 04:19 am: [report]
It happened to me, I didn’t tell. Because he was so in my face with it that I thought she knew, and just didn’t want to have to face it or discuss it in any way. Turned out later (after she dumped him) that she didn’t know, but suspected he was seeing somebody else. I’m glad I stayed out of it, and I think she appreciated me keeping out of the way too.
Arsenic
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]
@miss game
You seem to be forgetting that there exist such a thing as bisexuals.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 07:39 pm: [report]
@Arsenic: I am well aware of bisexuals, more than 60% of my matches on OkCupid are listed as such, and I have no idea why.
Arsenic
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 07:42 pm: [report]
@ CheeeeEEEEse
Read above. My comment was directed at “miss game” who said:
“Im sorry… but did the ‘pro’ side have the bf cheating with a DUDE?
I think that is a TOTALLY different situation. I would bet that girl was suspicious of her bf’s preferences WAY before the cheating incident. I mean, he cheated on her with a guy…
That is such a bizarre story.”
ccjoy4u
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
I think my decision would be based on how serious the couple is. If they’re just “dating” I don’t think I’d stick my neck out by outing the cheater. For all I know, maybe they have an open relationship. If they were engaged or talking about getting engaged and I had undeniable proof (actual knowledge, not heresay) I would like to think that I would have the guts to say something to the cheater. But who knows? I guess every situation would be different.
juliePS
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 05:36 am: [report]
if I found out one of my friends’ boyfriends was cheating, I would make absolutely sure I was right, and then probably beat the crap out of him (verbally, most likely—I have made grown men cry with the fury of my temper, haha). Then I’d tell her. I’m not saying this is a good decision, haha, but I’m a little, um, territorial.
lovely_j
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
My husband’s dad is cheating on his wife and everyone knows except her. As another woman, I want to tell her so bad. I feel like beating the crap out of his dad. He’s making us all cheat on her because I feel we are all being dishonest. It’s not fair to the entire family that he divulges this information to us, but not his own wife. He refuses to tell her what is going on.
My husband takes a neutral stance, but I take a vehemently angry stance. I am still biting my tongue, but I really want to tell her so they can get a divorce and get on with their lives.
retro chic
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
^@lovely_j, are you *sure* she’s not just turning a a blind eye for appearances? I agree that all are cheating with the father, however unwittingly, and is quite offensive that he’d expect absolute secrecy and loyalty, no matter the burden placed on others. He must have some kind of power over y’all. If no one’s willing to tell or hint, can another party send the message? It is not fair to the wife and the whole family. There’s no place for politics in family life.
And, why isn’t your husband more actively concerned, being closer to his dad (I know “blood” is a tough thing, but…)? Hope he doesn’t pattern after him for your sake (I’m sure that’s crossed your angry mind, too).
lovely_j
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
@retro chic His wife doesn’t have a job so, she may just be trying to work on the marriage because she can’t seem to find a job. She knows about the secret text messages and phone calls. She doesn’t know about secrets trips across the country to motels (pretty sure she doesn’t).
Yes, I’m pretty upset with my husband for his passive response. The only explanation I can think of is he doesn’t want his dad to get another divorce and break his family apart further. He is used to his dad’s shenanigans. I grew up in a drama-free household so I get a little more involved/shocked about the situation.
CuteCora
wrote on April 16 2009 @ 08:03 am: [report]
This is defintly one of those situations where ultimatly it does depend on the relationship and friendship! However I do think that I lean more towards the not telling, you ask people who have been in the sistuation and they were the friend that broke the strraw on the camel’s back so to speak..ask them today if they ae still friends with the person, also ask if they are with the cheatingbf/gf? 9/10 times , the person who told ends up friendless and the cheater still usually ends with the girl anyways, this is a very classic case! However there are wyas sometimes to do things without having to be the one to say it out loud ya know.. things like if you know that your friends bf is cheating FOR SURE then the next time your out make comments that would be subtle but still letting him know that you kow and sometimes playing that game could cause the other person to break….
sunbiker
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
what to do, i have this best friend i have known for years and he has a new girlfriend and they spilt up for awhile and they are back together but she told me a secret that if they broke up again she wouldn’t short change herself and that she was going to steal $10,000 dollars from his account and hide so she will have alittle money to start her life again, i believe i made a mistake or did I telling his best friend what her plan was and that she already was taking money and hiding it, for future use, his best friend told him and now i’m in the middle of being a big mouth and lost a good friendship. did i do wrong by warning him??
dana_seals
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]
Glass houses… you never really know the situation. I would stay out of it, unless I had bonafide proof (as in a bunch of those private investigator-ish photos).
fifi
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:13 pm: [report]
Hey Anonymous: I would rather that my friend gets angry with me than let her be treated like a fool because her boyfriend is cheating on her (same for a guy friend). Whatever the reasons, the cheater is always the one at fault. And I have faith that my friend (if she is truly my friend) is a smart girl and will realize that I am only watching out for her. My friends deserve better than that.
That being said, I would need hardcore evidence first before telling these things to a friend. And much more discretion is needed if my friend is married already.
PetTherapy
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 07:04 pm: [report]
Always tell if you are sure. I would want the respect of not having people hide things or lie to me. And when my ex cheated, I got a problem that can’t be fixed. Infidelity can affect health and even life. I cannot stress it enough—TELL; someone’s life might be in the balance. Extreme, but you never know. But only if you’re sure. Don’t speculate.
Wiser Now
wrote on June 28 2009 @ 05:34 pm: [report]
Any of you who have been cheated on have GOT to find out what KIND of cheater you’ve got. Read Dr. Frank Pittman’s book, Private Lies, and pray that you don’t have the kind I had - a sociopathic philanderer because that kind of person doesn’t change.
Good luck to you.
BrokenBrain
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 10:27 pm: [report]
I outed a cheater when I was absolutely certain he’d cheated; it was me he cheated with (I didn’t know at the time they were dating). The girl didn’t believe me and kept going out with him. I’ll never tell again.
One reason the pro-poster may have had a better experience is because the guy cheated with another guy. When that happens it’s easier for women to tell themselves that it’s not them, it’s him. Even if it’s silly, it’s easier for some women to accept.