Lindsay Goldenberg
wrote on December 01 2008 @ 03:57 pm:

Great debate! I have to say I agree with Teri (I also know how happy her and her hubby are.)

I think when you’re in a good relationship, moving in together will not break the relationship. If it does, then waiting until you got married would have been an even bigger disaster.

I also think we need to re-evaluate how we’re using “freedom” in regards to our living spaces. Saying you want to be “free” for as long as possible by living on your own (even though you’re with the “right” partner) makes marriage sound like some sort of prison. This viewpoint is probably why most marriages end in divorce. If you’re trying to live your last days of “freedom” by living by yourself, then marriage will just seem like a life sentence to you.

The benefits of living with someone you love are not simply b/c it’s cheaper and you can have nicer things...it’s because you’re starting your life with someone, and sharing everyday experiences with them. You shouldn’t have to avoid it.

Michelle
wrote on December 01 2008 @ 05:55 pm:

I agree with Teri and Lindsay. “Enjoying your last minutes of freedom” is not a reason to not live with your significant other before getting married, I might be very romantic about this, but I think that sharing your space with someone doesn’t mean you’re no longer free, it only means you grew up and realized that pretending to be a teenager forever leads to nowhere but solitude and frustration. My boyfriend and I have decided we’re moving in together after three years of relationship and I must say I’m still freaking out a little: I have never before shared my space, but the more I think about it, the weaker that argument sounds. Plus, the idea of being with him without thinking about how late it is getting and I have to get back home to do something, or he has, overshadows my natural fear of failure.

Elle
wrote on December 01 2008 @ 06:58 pm:

“I’d rather have a smaller TV or less money to spend on clothes than have to deal with someone else’s BS”

Wow.  I’m sorry, but Tracie’s POV strikes me as very juvenile.  So you should wait until you are married to deal with someone else’s BS?  What if you can’t deal?  Are you ready to be a divorcee or will you just stick it out in misery just because you’re married? 

I think living with someone before marriage is crucial to figuring out whether that person is in fact the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Love plays a large factor in your relationship, but trust me there are lots of other things at play other than love that could make or break your relationship. 

I personally would not want to be blindsided by something that I simply could not live with about my partner.  I lived with my husband for almost 2 years before we got engaged and we learned a lot about each other and how to deal with problems together and communicate effectively with one another.  Sharing money, and responsibilities is just another layer on top of that, it’s not the WHOLE reason to live with someone.

joyy
wrote on December 02 2008 @ 03:30 am:

Why is it still the default that all women in a relationship are expected to want to get married?  My boyfriend and I are mutually disinterested in marriage and we’ve been living together for a year and a half (dating for 3 years).  I’m not sure if we’ll be together ‘forever’ because I think those terms are unrealistic, as proven by the divorce rate in this country.  We love each other and love sharing our lives together, and that’s that. 

As for the needing your own freedom as an argument against cohabitation?  Bull.  If you want to wait, then my all means, do what makes you happy.  But if you are in a relationship or marriage where you no longer feel as though you can retain your identity, you have bigger problems to solve than housing issues. 

The beauty of our relationship has always been that we don’t hold each other back.  I decide three months into our relationship that I’m moving to Asia for the summer to teach English?  He’s jealous that I’m traveling.  He wants to move to the desert to rock climb for three months even though I can only make it out there every other weekend or so?  I miss him but I deal with it.  We drive each other to be better people and have both grown considerably during our relationship. 

Bottom line?  Do what works for you - then stfu.

par3
wrote on December 02 2008 @ 07:43 am:

if perfect strangers could live together in college and people make that out to be ‘an experience you have to have in life’ then why is it so taboo to live with someone you love while trying to build a life? maybe that TOO is an experience you ought to have in life as well- whether it works out in the end or not.

i really do believe living with someone who you love and are romantic with makes you learn a lot about yourself and who you are. it’s easy to be with someone when you’re being ‘theirs’ only when you want to but what about when you have to be with that someone all the time- dare i say- for better or for worse?

sharing a space with another person puts your personality and beliefs to the test. you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll question everything/yourself. i think this is something that helps build character and possibly even help young adults figure out what they really want in life- in a partner- and other more complex things that out minds conjure up.

Lynn
wrote on December 03 2008 @ 09:08 pm:

I don’t plan on living with anyone before I get married. I just don’t want to get THAT tangled in with someone, and then not leave him (and eventually marry him) just because it was too hard to walk away. I’ve seen it happen too many times - one of my cousins just got out of a 3-year relationship with a guy. They lived together for 2 years. She was really unhappy for about a year of that, but was afraid to break up with him because it would rock her home life so completely. I hate that she wasted a year of her life knowing that she wanted out, but not having enough strength to get out. Another cousin of mine owns a house and a dog with her boyfriend, 11 hours away from any of her family. I don’t think she’s happy, but she hasn’t left him yet. I’m sure it’s because their lives are so intertwined now that it’s hard to leave.

Honestly, I don’t have *any* friends, family, or acquaintances who have ever said “man, I’m so glad I lived with my ex-boyfriend for three years.” Most of them have only said “that was a huge mistake, and I wasted so much time and energy on him just because we lived together.”

I guess I figure that having intertwined lives (and, therefore, relationships that are hard to leave) is a good thing in a marriage. The practical aspects of living together make you stick it out and try to work it out instead of just giving up and divorcing. But in an unmarried relationship, I don’t want that kind of commitment or those kind of ties. If I ever move in with a man, I want him to be the only and last man I ever live with. And if I’m ready for that, then I’m ready to get married.

Nacho
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 02:52 pm:

I think Tracie’s comments are very naive and shortsighted. She’s comparing living with a partner and learning about compromise to “oh no, I’d rather have freedom! and time to myself! and me me me!” It’s a very immature way of thinking about this situation.

I moved in with my boyfriend of (then) two years because it seemed to be the next logical phase of our relationship. We went through two years of a long-distance relationship, and we stayed at each others’ apartments while visiting (we were both in college at the time). When we moved in together, we had to make a lot of compromises, but we made them out of love and sacrifice for one another. We’ve also made major joint purchases (like our queen bed, which we LOVE) and are planning on buying a house before getting married.

It’s just that we were ready for that kind of thing. We don’t see a long-term relationship as being “trapped” with one another, nor do we see marriage that way. We love being around one another and support one another in most everything we want to accomplish, and we’re still happily in love after four years. Haha, even after having lived together for two!

Anyway, that was a really long way of saying, if you feel comfortable and believe that it’s the next step, and if you’re not feeling as if you’re losing out on something or are going to feel “trapped,” I’d say go for it. If not, then obviously, keep that time and your space to yourself.

EastCoastMale
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 02:59 pm:

I think this is an issue that depends on so many variables that are unique not only to relationship health at the time but also the two people involved. If you aren’t even getting married and want to live together as BF and GF then have at it, if it goes well great, if not then breakup and move on. Thinking it is harder to breakup with someone you live with, to me, doesn’t resonate as a valid argument but rather a backhanded way of saying “I only want to live with someone I am 0 sure will never breakup/leave me, I cant take the chance”. I have lived with a LTRL and it went fine, we weren’t planning on marriage and in the end it wasn’t fire and brimstone when we went our separate ways. To me, no matter how close you are to someone or how many times you spend consecutive nights at there house or whatever, you truly learn things about yourself and the other person by actually living together. For those who want to wait until marriage and then go that route, just my opinion but good luck with that.

EastCoastMale
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 03:00 pm:

that jumbled mess is a one hundred percent sign, forgot the post effes it up.

scb197
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 03:35 pm:

neither of these people have very strong arguments. he’s the person who annoys her most? wow, cuz that’s a good reason. and a small tv? awesome. whatever works best for you, is what you should do.

retro chic
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 04:14 pm:

I don’t like these “either/or options,” in human relationships, esp, when one is flat out silly. It’s all a crap shoot anyway, as me and any of my friends of every domestic combo possible can attest.

Imo, it’s such an individual thing with too many moving parts (with personalities, upbringing, circumstances, baggage, goals, etc), to have a set “right” path. Love, luck, commitment and trusting your gut are the only sure guidelines to pull you thru either approach (cohab first or not) and have reasonable expectations of growth and happiness… the desired outcome presumably?

That said, Lindsay shouldn’t have silly ideas of rampant freedom til the last minute, and expect to be taken seriously in a relationship, let alone a marriage. wow.

As some of us have observed, people are different when they’re married than when they’re living together, no matter how many years logged during cohab b/c of the ever-changing dynamics named above. Hopefully, that translates into more growth and love.

DR
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 09:41 pm:

I have done both - been married and lived with someone (co-habitated doesn’t reflect the emotional bond).  I found that in the relationship in which I lived with someone, there was less clarity for me around the committment and expectation.  I felt like we were two individuals co-habitating and making love.  When I was married, I felt like I was part of a unit, and I understood my role to be the primary decisionmaker and trustee in the event of a catastrophe and a lack of capacity on the part of my partner.  It was more than splitting the bills and making love.  I want to share that special feeling of belonging and committment that I experienced when I was married.  If I can’t say that I will marry the person, I don’t want to live with that person.  It’s that simple.

mar_284
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 11:54 pm:

I have seen many couples live together only after they got married and ended up growing old together. I also know some couples who cohabitate and didn’t even bother to formalize their relationship with marriage but has stood the test of time. From what I observe, it’s not really about whether you’re married or not when you decide to move in together. It just has to be for the right reasons. Convenience is the lamest excuse. So is merely being needy for an everyday companion. There has to be the commitment to share life together, not just big, special moments, but also everyday, routine annoyances. And also important, the relationship has to be past the honeymoon stage already. You have a realistic view of each other’s personalities and you love and appreciate each other for that.

teal
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 01:09 am:

I’ve been doing a lot of reading concerning live-in relationships before marriage.  Basically I gather that there are two strong opinions: either you are pro-live-in or you are anti-live-in. 

Pros seem to be a more modern group of individuals and believe that living together before marriage will offer a good way to really, really know who you will be marrying. 

Antis seem to be more traditional/conservative, almost always religious, and believe that living together is morally wrong and will lead to a higher divorce rate.  And give reasons why living together prior to marriage is a bad idea due to higher divorce rates which is a fact, but offered some junk that I thought was ridiculous in order to persuade others out of it.

Personally, I am all for living together before marriage definitely to make sure the man was someone I can be with for the rest of my life, but only if both parties are mature enough in the relationship.  I have had two serious relationships, and lived with both of them.  The first serious relationship obviously did not work out.  And the only reason it did not work out was because I saw a totally different side of him when we were both going through the downs as in any relationship.  All I have to say is this different behavior from him is definitely NEVER okay in a marriage.  So that relationship ended and I would have never learned this side of him had I not lived with him.  And you know what, we were very much in love before moving in together.  At that time, if he proposed I would’ve said yes.  We would’ve been married and soon divorced, so great thing I lived with him first.

Now I’m with my current serious boyfriend of three years.  Living with him has taken our relationship even further.  There was adjustment and compromise.  Although I loved him before moving in with him, I have to say my love for him is much more profound now after seeing who he was behind closed doors.  He’s still the same man I fell in love with, but now I know I love him on a deeper level despite the extreme downs that life can throw at us.

And back to the argument of it being a horrible idea to live together before marriage.  Sure the facts show divorce rates are higher.  But what about the couples that get married before living together?  Almost always they choose not to do this based on religious reasons, and stats show religious couples have a lower rate of divorce.  Sure that’s great, but are they really happy?  They might as well be divorced and happy…

Also some make the argument that living together is just a way to evade actually getting married, hence the saying that has something to do with why buy a cow whilst you can get the milk for free.  I’m not good at memorizing these things.  But the point is why is it either get married first then the couple can finally go to the next step, or nothing at all?  Do we really have to force the man into marrying you in order to have a “complete” relationship?  With this mentality it wouldn’t turn out well anyway.