Debate This: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

reformed female cheater
wrote on October 16 2008 @ 12:12 pm: [report]

I’m living proof that a cheater CAN be reformed, you just have to honestly want to quit, then QUIT IT!!!

Female Cheater
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 03:51 am: [report]

I don’t know… I think I’m a ‘natural’ cheater. I’ve tried, I’ve loved my boyfriends but I still can feel the need to kiss someone else. I’d really like to stop feeling this way - of course I don’t want to be together with an ‘idiot’ who is cheated by his girlfriend and doesn’t know about it. If I could stop doing this, I’d feel the freedom in my life and I wouldn’t put my relationship in danger oncce I had a few drinks and met someone interesting.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 03:44 pm: [report]

I wont go into my views here given the current posts but I definitely feel strongly from the other article that I posted on. Why women stay with men who cheat.

Symian
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

As the victim of senseless cheating I question why a man (or woman) won’t just be honest and say, “you know, I think you’re awesome, but so is your friend, and every other piece of ass I come across”?  It’s so unfair that people invest so much time and energy into relationships with people who “just can’t stop”, or “didn’t mean too”.  Everyday I think about how I could take advantage of 80% of the men I come across, but the promises I made are so much more important than the 15 minutes it will take for me to break my man’s heart.

Spartan117
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]

I will put it to you this way; Cheating is the ultimate form of self abuse. Women cheat just as much as men, so let us stop all the misconceptions. My wife cheats all the time. Most of it online, but on four occasions, actually having gone the distance. So, cheaters are people who not only devalue themselves, but relationships and therefore deny ever truly being happy. I deplore cheating. It is not acceptable, but it is part of life. Only by an inner desire to change will a person ever depart from promiscuous activities and learn to be with one person. Otherwise, people who know they cannot stay with one person should never get into that kind of long-term, one person situation.
I will never cheat, but I am honest when I see an attractive woman and say, “Wow, she’s a looker…”

Queen Frostine
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]

Husband and I are happy nine years and going, despite a few bumps in the road. It took a lot of taking time off, re-evaluating our lives and really targeting the WHY of cheating. Once we realized why he had cheated, because he felt his emotional needs weren’t being met (not the physical ones) and sought someone who could support him on an emotional level, then things changed dramatically. He was able to communicate his needs to me better and I was then able to understand and provide. Since then, we’ve married and we’ve been closer than ever.

nedslv2
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 07:33 pm: [report]

I say that every scenario is different and that yes it may be wrong and unjustifiable but sometimes you are pushed to the limits and you HAVE to do something about it. I’m currently married for about 6 years now her second my first. Our marriage isn’t pretty at all. I did cheat on my wife, and I’m not proud of that but it happend. It almost seemed like she was pushing me to. We have the same problems that a lot of couples have(money) but she was purposely withhold sex from me for months at a time and when we did she would just lie there like she was counting the minutes. I couldn’t take it anymore I needed attention too.I love her and want a great marraige with her but it seems that she wants me to leave or something? When I ask her about it she always say’s NO that she loves me but then later she’s back to the same thing. Currently it’s been 10 months(since we had sex) I not going to cheat but if it reaches a year I might have to leave.

DonJohn
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 04:42 am: [report]

nedslv2 you might as well leave because she is cheating on you but trying to keep you calm so she has security, in other words she has a lover just for sex but not looking to move on, which is why you should, this is very typical of women, most do not cheat to move on but cheat because they find cheating more exciting for them, move on and find a woman who has some loyalty and can be trusted, sorry to say though that that is NOT most women, you have no idea how many married woman a single guy can pick up on any girls night out, why do you think they only include the girls?

the-logical-one
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:31 am: [report]

I find some websites to be “female centric”.

Why don’t websites expose the plight of a man with a “non-caring” woman??

I HAVE never cheated on a mate (spouse/girlfriend). I have very few good qualities, but fidelity & being willing to kill to protect my daughter, grandmother & stepfather (& a mate when I have one). I will do whatever is necessary to protect the few that I love.

I have had sex w/ married women (I was unattached). The 1st was separated fm her husband & living w/ her parents (I was just satisfying her needs). The other married woman just wanted to satisfy my needs (her husband would give her permission to come to my home, at least once/wk, to clean my home & then have sex w/ me) - the 2nd woman, obviously, had an “open marriage” (NO desire for separation, but allowing ea to satisfy their desires - the woman ONLY had sex w/ me [w/ husband’s permission] outside of the marriage).

I, as a male, worked from 5 AM to 8 PM (15 hours/day). After the long day, I would feed my child, I would do laundry (including ironing my uniforms), & would (2-3 times/week) perpare the only meal (dinner) I would have at home. My hours of work ensured that I would have to eat breakfast and lunch away from home.

I have sexual needs, but I DEAL w/ the situation (w/o cheating). My ex-wife was having sex 10-15 times/mth, but ONLY 2-3 times were w/ me. I accepted the cheating of my ex-wife, hoping that my daughter would be taken care of (unfortunately, my daughter was NOT taken care of while I was working). Other mates (girlfriends) DID not satisfy my sexual needs, but I NEVER cheated on any of them (I was just “HOPING” that my needs would be met).

My ex-wife, who only held a job for 2 DAYS MAX,  WOULD NOT clean (many dishes with food were just placed [and left] on the floor - dishes/utensils were ONLY washed (by my ex-wife) when none were available [I ended up washing dishes/utensils many times]  -  and my baby was NOT fed while I was at work).

My daughter WAS ONLY fed when I fed her after I came home.

I realize that MOST single parents are female, but I am tired/offended by a “women centric” site, that portrayes males as lazy, abusive, deadbeat, etc. My ex-wife caused my daughter to be put in foster care. After my ex-wife left, I was able to obtain sole custody of my daughter, with my ex-wife NOT even having visitation rights.

Your website NEEDS to show that some males care more about their children and perform MORE household tasks than some women (even after 15 hours of work, I did MORE than my wife).

My ex-wife ABANDONED my daughter and me (with a person she met in a “chat room”). My ex-wife was also NOT manogamous (even though I WAS).

Your “women centric” site NEEDs to show that some males are responsible and manogamous. Your “women centric” site also NEEDs to show that some females are EXTREMELY selfish and DO NOT care about their children.

Your site NEEDs to be MORE accepting of “Single Dads” and your site NEEDs to acknowledge “Deadbeat Moms”. Ever since I received FULL custody, I have NEVER received a penny from the “Deadbeat Mom” (even though I am a DISABLED VETERAN). I may have been able to provide MORE for my daughter if the “Deadbeat Mom” had provided/taken responsibility for her daughter (without additional funds from the “Deadbeat Mom”, I was “limited” in what I could provide for my daughter).

I understand that MANY males WILL “deposit a seed” & then disappear.

Your “female centric” website is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE to responsible “non-female” parents!! I “jumped through MANY legal hoops” in order to get FULL custody of my daughter.

Your “site” NEEDS to become a “parenting site” INSTEAD of a “MALE BASHING SITE”.

As a single dad, I utilize websites in order to deal w/ my daughter’s concerns (as a single dad, I AM NOT the most qualified to deal w/ periods & shaving & sexual matters) - I HAVE BEEN extremely honest in answering by dauthter’s questions (I have dealt w/ my daughters ??).  I have dealt w/ ??‘s about Gay Marriage, Gay Sex, Birth control pills & DRUGS),  By stating that, DUE to my “concern” for my daughter, I ask ANY adult females that I encounter (for tips on period control and/or shaving and/or sex protection - [Luckily, a female at a business I patronize has been VERY helpful]).

Your website NEEDS to accept that there are RESPONSIBLE SINGLE DADS & also expose that there are also “DEADBEAT MOMS”.

Pls become a Parenting Site, instead of being a “female centric” or a “MALE BASHING SITE”. If your website needs a male viewpoint, I am willing to provide a MALE’s SIDE of ANY issue (my male opinions may be beneficial for your website - my comments MUST BE displayed concurrently w/ the “female MALE BASHERS”). I expect the same display as females.

When I am directed to your site, I EXPECT RESPECT instead of a “MALE BASHING SITE” & “women centric” site that bashes males!!!!

BeASimpleMan
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]

The “logical” one has been busy spreading his crazy this morning. Posted pretty much this exact rant on another topic. Breathe buddy.

powplz
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:46 am: [report]

“Pls become a Parenting Site”?  Uh, this isn’t a parenting site dude.  If you are on the internet looking for parenting resources, don’t go to lady-mag-equivalent websites and complain that they’re what they intend to be, not what one person specifically needs. 

Sucks that you go the short end of the stick, but whining about it online won’t accomplish anything.  Also, you seem very upset, maybe finding a therapist would be beneficial to you.  *shrug*

PinkRanger
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]

@the-logical-one:Any male bashing that goes on on this site is usually met with disagreement. Look around, we don’t think all men are dead-beats, you just assume that is what we believe because it justifies you in some way. This is a women’s site afterall. Men come on here, but it is geared towards women, not parents.

BlueVibe
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]

OK, I’m not saying I don’t *look* at cute guys when I’m not single, but actually acting on anything is out of the question.  If I don’t like the guy I’m with enough that I’m not tempted to cheat, I need to break up with him and let him find somebody who does like him that well.  (Am I the only one out there who seriously doesn’t feel tempted to cheat, ever?  Am I crazy?)

Likewise, if a guy cheats on me—or neglects me that much—it’s over.  I don’t put up with cheating, and I’m not about to stay in a dead relationship and try to use it to justify fooling around.  If he’s not that into me, I’m wasting my time.

Jenn27549
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

I’ve been cheated on and it hurts.  I think its hard to salvage a relationship from that, but people do it all the time.  I don’t think I could.  I have also cheated on other people.  Not often, but it has happened 2 or 3 times in the past.  All of those times I was through with the relationship I was in and didn’t have the you-know-whats to end it.  Doesn’t make what I did right, and I usually ended the “cheating relationship” and continued to stay in the “real relationship” even longer, still knowing it was dead.  The guilt ate away at me and the more time that passed the less reasonable admitting it became.  Those relationships, of course, eventually ended for other reasons but the cheating was a contributing factor.  I knew I couldn’t admit it and I couldn’t stand on the altar and say wedding vows to someone I had cheated on.

BUT, when I’ve been happy in a relationship its never crossed my mind.  Even when my husband and I have rough patches I don’t even think about it.  I may one day, but I don’t think I’ll act on it as long as I value our relationship.

I really thing it boils down to the maturity of the individual(s) in the relationship, what they are looking for, and how they view the relationship and/or relationships in general.  Once someone meets a person they want to be serious and monogamous with, I don’t think it matters how many times they’ve cheated in the past.  That feeling alone will change them.  There are some people I’m sure who suffer from mental issues that make them basically un-reformable serial cheaters, but for the vast majority of the population—male or female—its largely situational.

the-logical-one
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]

I strongly support knowledge being shared about a cheater.

As a male, I can state women cheat, as much as, or more than men.

I have very few good qualities, but I HAVE NEVER committed INFIDELITY (even when a relationship was less than satisfying).

My ex-wife cheated so much, I am not even sure if my daughter is biologically mine. When my ex met someone in a chat room & abandoned my daughter & myself, I filed for divorce. I was given full custody & my ex was given a “lifetime ban” of ANY visitation (including supervised visitation). Even if my daughter is not biologically mine, I am the ONLY person who she knows as a parent. I have provided her w/ as much love/support as possible. Someday, I MAY tell her more details about her mother & get a parternity test, but that will be many yrs away (my daughter is only 13).

I keep searching for my ex - I am NOT a stalker, but my state would like reimbursement for my daughter’s medical expenses. I may even decide to get “child support” fm her (still w/o visitation).

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I found her most recent MySpace page & she states that she is in a relationship, but going out w/ other guys until she finds the one she wants. There are MANY degrading terms that describe her, but since she is still the same fm 1995 until 2009, I DO NOT feel she could ever change.

Dennis_503
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:48 pm: [report]

Unfortunately, I was just cheated on by my wife with a married co-worker of hers. Sure we had problems, that I believe could have been fixed, but not cheating. I can’t stand my soon to be ex-wife now, F**K her! Adultery is wrong, period. There are no excuses.

If you don’t love the person anymore and want to be with someone else please DO THE RIGHT THING and end it with them before anything happens. At least respect the person enough to do that.

Sadly, now I must move on in the world being a single father(of 3 young boys) with a broken heart and trust issues. Our sons raised in a broken home. Our marriage adds to the statistic of a 50% divorce rate.

I will teach my sons when they become young men to never cheat. That sort of behavior is unacceptable. We gotta break this horrible cycle and I will do my part as their father. Why don’t people respect the sanctity of marriage anymore?

Ghirardelli
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:17 pm: [report]

My father cheated on my mother for nearly ten years, but she was so blindly and madly in love with him that she just chose not to see it. I am not sure where he’s at with his new wife, but he seems to have stayed true to her. I just wish he had learned his lesson before he screwed over my mom. I think a cheater will only feel remorse when they’re cheated on by someone they really care for. Only then will they realize the impact they had on their past girlfriends/boyfriends. But who knows. Everyone’s different.

friskyman68
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 05:56 am: [report]

again this article has a very sexiest tone.  Both men and women cheat.  The article barely mentions women cheating.  It focuses on the men.  I find this offensive.  I know men cheat.  But glossing over that women cheat, as this article does, really diminishes the value of deciding can cheaters overcome being cheaters.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:35 am: [report]

friskyman68:  You may not realise it, but you are on a site which is geared towards women.  Yes, we’re all grown ups and you’re not telling anyone here anything “new.”  It isn’t sexist because if the majority of the women - if heterosexual - who are reading it in reference to bettering their chances of having good relationships, they would be reading about men - not themselves or other women.  I
I just re-read the article.  There is nothing “sexiest” or sexist, even, in the article. 
A bit of friendly advice:  look, listen and learn. You’re on a woman’s forum, read the posts of others and assess and then come to a conclusion if this is the audience who needs to be told about sexism.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:46 am: [report]

Spartan117:  “My wife cheats all the time.”  Why in the world are you still with her?  Your post is telling the world all about “lack of self-respect” yet, you’re still with the person who has so litle self-respect.  We attract what we “put out.”  If you’re with another who has “low self-esteem” then you do as well and also, that person serves a purpose in your life.  You are experiencing the “ultimate form of self-abuse.” You have chosen to be with someone who makes your relationship feel “de-valued.”  Your wife has a man who isn’t going to leave her and gets some anonymous booty as well.

Also, cheating is not the ultimate form of self-abuse.  There are far, far worse things one could do to one’s self which would pale in comparison. 
It IS masochistic to stay with someone who you (a) don’t really respect, therefore, cannot respect yourself and (b)to allow yourself to have such inner turmoil about a situation you can change.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:47 am: [report]

Queen Frostine:  Agreed and thank you for being a sensible person in the world.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:55 am: [report]

nedslv2: Don’t listen to “Don Jon.”  He is taking his own experiences and weaving a yarn and projecting it onto you.  He is NOT in your relationship and doesn’t know you or your wife.  How ridiculous a comment from a stranger.

Talk to your wife.  You wrote that she is “deliberately withholding sex.”  Have you asked her if that is what she is doing? 
She may have a whole other thing going on that is making sex frustating for her and not at the top of her “to do” list. 

It sounds like you want to be with her.  Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing and unless you two sit down and COMMUNICATE with each other then ANY conclusions drawn will be all in your head.
Talk objectively and listen carefully. 
There may be more problems that you aren’t addressing.

Commenter
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 07:26 pm: [report]

Cheating is inherently selfish.  The people I’ve known who’ve cheated - whether I’ve dated them or not - are people who feel entitled to have what they want when they want it, and the fallout for anyone else is a far secondary concern.  They’ve been treated as special and indulged most of their lives, and, frankly, it’s a pattern of indulgence that started in childhood that isn’t likely to change.  Becoming someone who would not cheat requires a whole new orientation to the world, and, IMO, is a rare accomplishment.

dasright
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 01:19 am: [report]

I just wanted to second ‘Commenter’s comment. My ex-wife was the baby of the family and always pampered, she had whatever she wanted and as a child she was never really corrected or punished and never saw any consequences for wrong-doing, and I think this carries through much further than just childhood. I found out she had been habitually cheating through our engagement and marriage, just any time she felt like it basically, as I think she had been conditioned not to expect any consequences for it. The ‘fallout’ did not worry her in the slightest, right up until it actually affected her directly - that is, when I said I was divorcing and she had to go live with her parents.

The other thing to consider is the examples cheaters have seen around them. Apparently my ex’s father went on a trip to Thailand and gave his wife an STD as a souvenir, and she just stayed with him, no consequences at all. I don’t know how old my ex was at the time but you can bet that this little nugget was tucked away for future reference, and instead of getting the life-lesson that adultery was bad that she could have had if her Mum had left her Dad, instead she got more reinforcement that she could do whatever she wanted and everything would be ok.

Imagine if the consequences of cheating had a 100% rate of the cheated on person ending the relationship. I bet there would be a whole lot less of it around.

So my summary would also be the same as ‘Commenter’s: it’s already highly unlikely that a cheater will change, and I would add that the more often cheaters are taken back and given another chance the less likely it becomes that they will change.

theattack
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]

I’ve cheated a time or two. I loved the boyfriends I cheated on, and I didn’t want to leave them. I’m currently working on changing the way I view my relationships and trying to change my mindset so that I don’t cheat anymore. It’s been successful so far, but since I live with my boyfriend and am with him quite a lot, it would be more difficult to cheat right now anyway. I can say that the reason I’ve cheated before is for excitement. My boyfriend was my companion, but the people I cheated with were exciting and new. It was risky. Since I’m a person that needs excitement and adventure to be satisfied with my life, I’m just trying to get that in other ways. I like to do risky things WITH my boyfriend instead of seeking it out through infidelity.
Honestly, it would help to change me a lot if someone broke my heart too, but hopefully I can just continue to work on not cheating this way.

Stefan Pinto
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]

If the food isn’t filling, you won’t find it satisfying. Find a nutritious “diet” that you love—and makes you feel *good*, and everything else is just well… junk food.

hlnbabe
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]

The biggest problem with this debate is there are always small factors that contribute to someone’s mentality. Age, culture, wealth…

We can say someone will always cheat or can reform, but at the end of the day those that always will,will, and those who reform, reform. Often, lifetime cheaters will never resolve their issues because they don’t care. And those who reform, often cheated because they were young, or in an unhappy relationship, etc.

There is no way to understand how every individual decides to cheat or not cheat. The most unfortunate thing we can do once we’ve been scarred is carry our baggage from our last person to the next.

Also, people need to stop deluding themselves that certain behaviors are or are not happening. If you feel unsatisfied with a relationship in any manner, it’s probably not the right one for you.

bogart4017
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]

It really depends upon the guy. Some women get with guys who cheat on them once and are truly sorry and do everything they can to make amends and they never cheat again. Usually these are the guys that get left and they learn their lesson and thats why they never cheat again. The serial cheater “can’t help himself” or “didnt mean for it to happen” or whatever excuse they use that sounds like it came from a staffwriter for “The Young & The Restless”. They are forgiven and they run out and cheat again. And again. So theres no hardfast yes or no rule about cheaters, men or women.

Jithu!
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]

People cheat for different reasons. I think it is a case by case basis and generalizing cheating and the reasons behind it is not fair. Cheating is selfish and most people are aware of the consequences of it.

So sly
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]

My philosophy is that once he’s been caught he’ll never be taught. You can believe that he really wants to quit, but men usually just get a lot more careful once they’ve been caught. To every woman who says that her man “has been reformed” and will never cheat on her, I say you’re just fooling yourself believing this douche. He’s done it once and there’s no reason why he won’t continue. He’ll just cover his tracks better and tell you what you want to hear.

Audi
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]

I think it’s wrong to assume that all cheaters will cheat again. People have different reasons and motivations for cheating, and what those motivations are is a big factor in the cheaters’ ability to change. For instance, I’ve known more than one woman who routinely cheats at the end of a relationship, as a way to extricate herself from it. The rationale seems to be, “Well, now that I’ve done this awful thing, I CAN’T stay in the relationship anymore.” This is a tactic commonly used by women who don’t have the guts to end a relationship that they’re no longer happy with, and it’s unlikely to change. Then there are the habitual cheaters of both genders, who seem to think that as long as they don’t get caught, there’s no harm done; again, this behavior is tough to change without a real effort on the cheater’s part or a serious wake-up call such as getting cheated on themselves.

But there are other, more complicated scenarios, such as having a partner who withholds sex for extended periods or intentionally makes the other person feel undesireable, and someone who caves in to a fleeting desire under those circumstances and feels awful about it later will probably not let it happen again, no matter how bumpy their relationship might be. I’m certainly not trying to justify such behavior; cheating is NEVER the right thing to do no matter what motivates it. But mistakes do happen in life, and certainly there are plenty of people who develop the wisdom and maturity not to repeat them.

Lilypie
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]

A good friend of mine married a man who cheated on his first wife with her.  She would tell me she trusted him completely, he would never do that to her because he loved her, he never loved his first wife who was a crazy bitch, etc. 

After a baby and 3 years of marriage, she is crying on my shoulder because, surprise surprise, he cheated on her and is leaving her for the other woman.  She is devastated and shocked.  I didn’t voice this to her because she’s beating herself up enough already, but why did she think things would be different for her versus wife #1? 

When someone gives you a clear view of their character, don’t ignore it or make excuses for it.  And if you proceed with a relationship anyway, be on your guard and don’t be surprised if history repeats itself.

VeronicaVaughn
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]

i was cheated on by my first love, with my best friend. I would have been a little less hurt if they just told me the turth and fessed up that they fell in love, instead of letting me walk in on them and find out the hard way. But the past is the past and after 3 years of dating, the ex and best friend are getting married. He’s has been faithful to her and the three of us remained close friends. So I think people make mistakes and deserves second chance’s but keep your guard up and don;t let anyone fool you.

Caramel Party
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]

I cheated once, in college, on a boyfriend in which I already had a very rocky relationship. The cheating was not ill-willed, it just…happened. A friend was consoling me through my tearwreck, emotions were high, and that’s how it happened. Never once did I say it was right, but never once have I cheated before or since.
Cheating is completely wrong, but if a person is in a place where they are willing and do cheat, it’s time to let go and move on.

Mint
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

We are all humans, we make mistakes and if we take a good look at ourselves, we can often change bad behavior. Repeat cheating all depends on the person and if they truly think it was wrong. Some change, others don’t, there are no definable rules. My dad cheated on my mom his whole life and he’ll never change. He’s got this problem with wanting to be loved and not really caring how his actions hurt other people. My mom finally left him, but people with psychological problems like my dad won’t change. Other ppl who might have had a bad relationship and was unhappy, stepped out on their partners and regret what they did, they can often change. Some people will always cheat and some won’t.

yreva
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]

My current boyfriend’s last relationship ended quite suddenly when he drunk-dialed her from a bar to say it was over. He was at the bar with a group of friends, and one of the women really wanted to take him home with her. He didn’t want to offend, so went off on what turned out to be a one-week fling.
Though his relationship was on the rocks at the time, he didn’t want to make his girlfriend angry by having the “breaking-up conversation.”
Unfortunately, he ended up getting back in the sack with the girl he broke up with on occasion over the next couple of years. She thought they were still an item. He thought they were just fulfilling sexual needs. When I came on the scene, she felt wronged again.
Though I knew nothing of his arrangement with her, I now worry about the cheat-factor. Will he call me from a bar one evening to say “it’s over”?
There is no way to know. He is wonderful and supportive and absolutely the love of my life. Today is all I have, and because it is better than life without him, I’ll have to accept it as a gift for as long as it lasts.

Sadiebug
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 07:59 pm: [report]

I think cheating can only be evaluated on a case by case basis and based on the individuals involved.  From my own experience, the relationships that someone steps out of are generally lacking something but they are afraid to give up the comfort their relationship affords.  The last guy I dated for 3 years cheated on me in a MAJOR way and when I asked why he picked her over me (pathetic, i know, luckily I’ve come to my senses since and realized thank goodness he’s out of my life!) he said “I don’t think I picked either of you.  I chose me.”  Sums up a lot of cheaters if you ask me.

Yodar Critch
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 08:14 am: [report]

I guess cheaters can reform.  The question is why would you stick around long enough to see if this dishonourable person reforms or not?

If a woman cheats on me, it is possible that she may reform, but she won’t reform with me.  Honour and trust mean too much to me.

Yodar Critch
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 08:28 am: [report]

@Mint

“We are all humans, we make mistakes and if we take a good look at ourselves, we can often change bad behavior.”

Everyone has their own viewpoint on this issue. 

Personally, I can’t accept that people “make mistakes” when cheating.  It is not a mistake, it is a deliberate decision on the part of at least one of the parties to commit a dishonourable act.

Calling it a mistake implies a lack of intent, when, in my opinion, cheating is all about the intent.

I do agree with your second part of your comment.  People are capable of correcting dishonourable behaviour.  Rebuilding trust is another matter.

JACK_W
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]

The question is why would you stick around long enough to see if this dishonourable person reforms or not?

Perhaps if there are children involved, but even then the relationship would be over, at least for me.

I don’t think that there’s a simple answer to the question of whether cheaters will always cheat. Many will, some won’t, their circumstances, age, and opportunity probably play a role.  I do think that there’s a difference between someone who’d cheated once when they were immature vs a serial cheater. The latter seem to have elaborate mechanisms for justifying their actions. So even if they regret one incident, they’ll find some way to excuse the next.

But I generally agree w/ Yodar’s point - why bother with them?

majicksand
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]

My views on cheating are generally pretty black and white.  I have heard circumstances where I kind of understood.  It’s still wrong, and I will never approve or justify, but sometimes there are reasons a person just doesn’t feel that they can leave a bad relationship right away.  (Usually financial reasons involving children)

Serial cheaters are just assh*les.

Scoobysnack
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]

I happen to be married to a guy who left his first wife for me. He had also cheated on her before. He happened to have cheated on his college girlfriend as well. I don’t make excuses for him, and he knows how wrong it was and clearly I know I was no saint for hooking up with a married man. However, we fell madly in love and really saw no other way. Our happiness was most important to us. I am a jealous type (go figure) and we have talked about the ramifications of cheating A LOT. He feels like he’s grown up and would never do anything to ruin what we have. Bottom line is: I’ve had ex’s who had never cheated in the past cheat on me. I think you can’t make broad generalizations to try and predict who is going to cheat on you. I believe it’s a risk in ANY relationship, whether the guy is a former cheater or not. You just have to accept that, and live your life.

MuchoMacho
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]

@scoob - ur accepting added risk, in my opinion.  i wouldnt say “once a cheater, always a cheater” but i might say “once a cheater, more likely to cheat again”

spatula
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

Cheating isn’t something that you ARE, it’s something that you DO. And anything you can do, you can also NOT DO.

MuchoMacho
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]

my football coach says “if you aint cheating, you aint trying!”

hes talking about sports, and i dont really think its applicable unless youre playing them or maybe a board game.  but i wanted to share.

Scoobysnack
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]

@MuchoMacho: Understood. But I don’t really think I buy it. I happen to know MORE guys who have been first-time cheaters later in life than guys who have been repeat offenders. Husband excluded, most of my guy friends have completely reformed.

On a side note, I also took drugs in college, but haven’t in awhile. Does that mean I’m more prone to take them again? I grew out of that stage. I think men can, too.

Scoobysnack
wrote on December 11 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]

sorry…didn’t mean to say “husband excluded.” He better be included!