Debate This: Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

reformed female cheater
wrote on October 16 2008 @ 12:12 pm: [report]

I’m living proof that a cheater CAN be reformed, you just have to honestly want to quit, then QUIT IT!!!

Female Cheater
wrote on October 20 2008 @ 03:51 am: [report]

I don’t know… I think I’m a ‘natural’ cheater. I’ve tried, I’ve loved my boyfriends but I still can feel the need to kiss someone else. I’d really like to stop feeling this way - of course I don’t want to be together with an ‘idiot’ who is cheated by his girlfriend and doesn’t know about it. If I could stop doing this, I’d feel the freedom in my life and I wouldn’t put my relationship in danger oncce I had a few drinks and met someone interesting.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 03:44 pm: [report]

I wont go into my views here given the current posts but I definitely feel strongly from the other article that I posted on. Why women stay with men who cheat.

Symian
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

As the victim of senseless cheating I question why a man (or woman) won’t just be honest and say, “you know, I think you’re awesome, but so is your friend, and every other piece of ass I come across”?  It’s so unfair that people invest so much time and energy into relationships with people who “just can’t stop”, or “didn’t mean too”.  Everyday I think about how I could take advantage of 80% of the men I come across, but the promises I made are so much more important than the 15 minutes it will take for me to break my man’s heart.

Spartan117
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]

I will put it to you this way; Cheating is the ultimate form of self abuse. Women cheat just as much as men, so let us stop all the misconceptions. My wife cheats all the time. Most of it online, but on four occasions, actually having gone the distance. So, cheaters are people who not only devalue themselves, but relationships and therefore deny ever truly being happy. I deplore cheating. It is not acceptable, but it is part of life. Only by an inner desire to change will a person ever depart from promiscuous activities and learn to be with one person. Otherwise, people who know they cannot stay with one person should never get into that kind of long-term, one person situation.
I will never cheat, but I am honest when I see an attractive woman and say, “Wow, she’s a looker…”

Queen Frostine
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]

Husband and I are happy nine years and going, despite a few bumps in the road. It took a lot of taking time off, re-evaluating our lives and really targeting the WHY of cheating. Once we realized why he had cheated, because he felt his emotional needs weren’t being met (not the physical ones) and sought someone who could support him on an emotional level, then things changed dramatically. He was able to communicate his needs to me better and I was then able to understand and provide. Since then, we’ve married and we’ve been closer than ever.

nedslv2
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 07:33 pm: [report]

I say that every scenario is different and that yes it may be wrong and unjustifiable but sometimes you are pushed to the limits and you HAVE to do something about it. I’m currently married for about 6 years now her second my first. Our marriage isn’t pretty at all. I did cheat on my wife, and I’m not proud of that but it happend. It almost seemed like she was pushing me to. We have the same problems that a lot of couples have(money) but she was purposely withhold sex from me for months at a time and when we did she would just lie there like she was counting the minutes. I couldn’t take it anymore I needed attention too.I love her and want a great marraige with her but it seems that she wants me to leave or something? When I ask her about it she always say’s NO that she loves me but then later she’s back to the same thing. Currently it’s been 10 months(since we had sex) I not going to cheat but if it reaches a year I might have to leave.

DonJohn
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 04:42 am: [report]

nedslv2 you might as well leave because she is cheating on you but trying to keep you calm so she has security, in other words she has a lover just for sex but not looking to move on, which is why you should, this is very typical of women, most do not cheat to move on but cheat because they find cheating more exciting for them, move on and find a woman who has some loyalty and can be trusted, sorry to say though that that is NOT most women, you have no idea how many married woman a single guy can pick up on any girls night out, why do you think they only include the girls?

the-logical-one
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:31 am: [report]

I find some websites to be “female centric”.

Why don’t websites expose the plight of a man with a “non-caring” woman??

I HAVE never cheated on a mate (spouse/girlfriend). I have very few good qualities, but fidelity & being willing to kill to protect my daughter, grandmother & stepfather (& a mate when I have one). I will do whatever is necessary to protect the few that I love.

I have had sex w/ married women (I was unattached). The 1st was separated fm her husband & living w/ her parents (I was just satisfying her needs). The other married woman just wanted to satisfy my needs (her husband would give her permission to come to my home, at least once/wk, to clean my home & then have sex w/ me) - the 2nd woman, obviously, had an “open marriage” (NO desire for separation, but allowing ea to satisfy their desires - the woman ONLY had sex w/ me [w/ husband’s permission] outside of the marriage).

I, as a male, worked from 5 AM to 8 PM (15 hours/day). After the long day, I would feed my child, I would do laundry (including ironing my uniforms), & would (2-3 times/week) perpare the only meal (dinner) I would have at home. My hours of work ensured that I would have to eat breakfast and lunch away from home.

I have sexual needs, but I DEAL w/ the situation (w/o cheating). My ex-wife was having sex 10-15 times/mth, but ONLY 2-3 times were w/ me. I accepted the cheating of my ex-wife, hoping that my daughter would be taken care of (unfortunately, my daughter was NOT taken care of while I was working). Other mates (girlfriends) DID not satisfy my sexual needs, but I NEVER cheated on any of them (I was just “HOPING” that my needs would be met).

My ex-wife, who only held a job for 2 DAYS MAX,  WOULD NOT clean (many dishes with food were just placed [and left] on the floor - dishes/utensils were ONLY washed (by my ex-wife) when none were available [I ended up washing dishes/utensils many times]  -  and my baby was NOT fed while I was at work).

My daughter WAS ONLY fed when I fed her after I came home.

I realize that MOST single parents are female, but I am tired/offended by a “women centric” site, that portrayes males as lazy, abusive, deadbeat, etc. My ex-wife caused my daughter to be put in foster care. After my ex-wife left, I was able to obtain sole custody of my daughter, with my ex-wife NOT even having visitation rights.

Your website NEEDS to show that some males care more about their children and perform MORE household tasks than some women (even after 15 hours of work, I did MORE than my wife).

My ex-wife ABANDONED my daughter and me (with a person she met in a “chat room”). My ex-wife was also NOT manogamous (even though I WAS).

Your “women centric” site NEEDs to show that some males are responsible and manogamous. Your “women centric” site also NEEDs to show that some females are EXTREMELY selfish and DO NOT care about their children.

Your site NEEDs to be MORE accepting of “Single Dads” and your site NEEDs to acknowledge “Deadbeat Moms”. Ever since I received FULL custody, I have NEVER received a penny from the “Deadbeat Mom” (even though I am a DISABLED VETERAN). I may have been able to provide MORE for my daughter if the “Deadbeat Mom” had provided/taken responsibility for her daughter (without additional funds from the “Deadbeat Mom”, I was “limited” in what I could provide for my daughter).

I understand that MANY males WILL “deposit a seed” & then disappear.

Your “female centric” website is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE to responsible “non-female” parents!! I “jumped through MANY legal hoops” in order to get FULL custody of my daughter.

Your “site” NEEDS to become a “parenting site” INSTEAD of a “MALE BASHING SITE”.

As a single dad, I utilize websites in order to deal w/ my daughter’s concerns (as a single dad, I AM NOT the most qualified to deal w/ periods & shaving & sexual matters) - I HAVE BEEN extremely honest in answering by dauthter’s questions (I have dealt w/ my daughters ??).  I have dealt w/ ??‘s about Gay Marriage, Gay Sex, Birth control pills & DRUGS),  By stating that, DUE to my “concern” for my daughter, I ask ANY adult females that I encounter (for tips on period control and/or shaving and/or sex protection - [Luckily, a female at a business I patronize has been VERY helpful]).

Your website NEEDS to accept that there are RESPONSIBLE SINGLE DADS & also expose that there are also “DEADBEAT MOMS”.

Pls become a Parenting Site, instead of being a “female centric” or a “MALE BASHING SITE”. If your website needs a male viewpoint, I am willing to provide a MALE’s SIDE of ANY issue (my male opinions may be beneficial for your website - my comments MUST BE displayed concurrently w/ the “female MALE BASHERS”). I expect the same display as females.

When I am directed to your site, I EXPECT RESPECT instead of a “MALE BASHING SITE” & “women centric” site that bashes males!!!!

BeASimpleMan
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]

The “logical” one has been busy spreading his crazy this morning. Posted pretty much this exact rant on another topic. Breathe buddy.

joyy
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:46 am: [report]

“Pls become a Parenting Site”?  Uh, this isn’t a parenting site dude.  If you are on the internet looking for parenting resources, don’t go to lady-mag-equivalent websites and complain that they’re what they intend to be, not what one person specifically needs. 

Sucks that you go the short end of the stick, but whining about it online won’t accomplish anything.  Also, you seem very upset, maybe finding a therapist would be beneficial to you.  *shrug*

PinkRanger
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]

@the-logical-one:Any male bashing that goes on on this site is usually met with disagreement. Look around, we don’t think all men are dead-beats, you just assume that is what we believe because it justifies you in some way. This is a women’s site afterall. Men come on here, but it is geared towards women, not parents.

BlueVibe
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]

OK, I’m not saying I don’t *look* at cute guys when I’m not single, but actually acting on anything is out of the question.  If I don’t like the guy I’m with enough that I’m not tempted to cheat, I need to break up with him and let him find somebody who does like him that well.  (Am I the only one out there who seriously doesn’t feel tempted to cheat, ever?  Am I crazy?)

Likewise, if a guy cheats on me—or neglects me that much—it’s over.  I don’t put up with cheating, and I’m not about to stay in a dead relationship and try to use it to justify fooling around.  If he’s not that into me, I’m wasting my time.

Jenn27549
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

I’ve been cheated on and it hurts.  I think its hard to salvage a relationship from that, but people do it all the time.  I don’t think I could.  I have also cheated on other people.  Not often, but it has happened 2 or 3 times in the past.  All of those times I was through with the relationship I was in and didn’t have the you-know-whats to end it.  Doesn’t make what I did right, and I usually ended the “cheating relationship” and continued to stay in the “real relationship” even longer, still knowing it was dead.  The guilt ate away at me and the more time that passed the less reasonable admitting it became.  Those relationships, of course, eventually ended for other reasons but the cheating was a contributing factor.  I knew I couldn’t admit it and I couldn’t stand on the altar and say wedding vows to someone I had cheated on.

BUT, when I’ve been happy in a relationship its never crossed my mind.  Even when my husband and I have rough patches I don’t even think about it.  I may one day, but I don’t think I’ll act on it as long as I value our relationship.

I really thing it boils down to the maturity of the individual(s) in the relationship, what they are looking for, and how they view the relationship and/or relationships in general.  Once someone meets a person they want to be serious and monogamous with, I don’t think it matters how many times they’ve cheated in the past.  That feeling alone will change them.  There are some people I’m sure who suffer from mental issues that make them basically un-reformable serial cheaters, but for the vast majority of the population—male or female—its largely situational.

the-logical-one
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]

I strongly support knowledge being shared about a cheater.

As a male, I can state women cheat, as much as, or more than men.

I have very few good qualities, but I HAVE NEVER committed INFIDELITY (even when a relationship was less than satisfying).

My ex-wife cheated so much, I am not even sure if my daughter is biologically mine. When my ex met someone in a chat room & abandoned my daughter & myself, I filed for divorce. I was given full custody & my ex was given a “lifetime ban” of ANY visitation (including supervised visitation). Even if my daughter is not biologically mine, I am the ONLY person who she knows as a parent. I have provided her w/ as much love/support as possible. Someday, I MAY tell her more details about her mother & get a parternity test, but that will be many yrs away (my daughter is only 13).

I keep searching for my ex - I am NOT a stalker, but my state would like reimbursement for my daughter’s medical expenses. I may even decide to get “child support” fm her (still w/o visitation).

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I found her most recent MySpace page & she states that she is in a relationship, but going out w/ other guys until she finds the one she wants. There are MANY degrading terms that describe her, but since she is still the same fm 1995 until 2009, I DO NOT feel she could ever change.

Dennis_503
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 09:48 pm: [report]

Unfortunately, I was just cheated on by my wife with a married co-worker of hers. Sure we had problems, that I believe could have been fixed, but not cheating. I can’t stand my soon to be ex-wife now, F**K her! Adultery is wrong, period. There are no excuses.

If you don’t love the person anymore and want to be with someone else please DO THE RIGHT THING and end it with them before anything happens. At least respect the person enough to do that.

Sadly, now I must move on in the world being a single father(of 3 young boys) with a broken heart and trust issues. Our sons raised in a broken home. Our marriage adds to the statistic of a 50% divorce rate.

I will teach my sons when they become young men to never cheat. That sort of behavior is unacceptable. We gotta break this horrible cycle and I will do my part as their father. Why don’t people respect the sanctity of marriage anymore?

Ghirardelli
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 11:17 pm: [report]

My father cheated on my mother for nearly ten years, but she was so blindly and madly in love with him that she just chose not to see it. I am not sure where he’s at with his new wife, but he seems to have stayed true to her. I just wish he had learned his lesson before he screwed over my mom. I think a cheater will only feel remorse when they’re cheated on by someone they really care for. Only then will they realize the impact they had on their past girlfriends/boyfriends. But who knows. Everyone’s different.

friskyman68
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 05:56 am: [report]

again this article has a very sexiest tone.  Both men and women cheat.  The article barely mentions women cheating.  It focuses on the men.  I find this offensive.  I know men cheat.  But glossing over that women cheat, as this article does, really diminishes the value of deciding can cheaters overcome being cheaters.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:35 am: [report]

friskyman68:  You may not realise it, but you are on a site which is geared towards women.  Yes, we’re all grown ups and you’re not telling anyone here anything “new.”  It isn’t sexist because if the majority of the women - if heterosexual - who are reading it in reference to bettering their chances of having good relationships, they would be reading about men - not themselves or other women.  I
I just re-read the article.  There is nothing “sexiest” or sexist, even, in the article. 
A bit of friendly advice:  look, listen and learn. You’re on a woman’s forum, read the posts of others and assess and then come to a conclusion if this is the audience who needs to be told about sexism.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:46 am: [report]

Spartan117:  “My wife cheats all the time.”  Why in the world are you still with her?  Your post is telling the world all about “lack of self-respect” yet, you’re still with the person who has so litle self-respect.  We attract what we “put out.”  If you’re with another who has “low self-esteem” then you do as well and also, that person serves a purpose in your life.  You are experiencing the “ultimate form of self-abuse.” You have chosen to be with someone who makes your relationship feel “de-valued.”  Your wife has a man who isn’t going to leave her and gets some anonymous booty as well.

Also, cheating is not the ultimate form of self-abuse.  There are far, far worse things one could do to one’s self which would pale in comparison. 
It IS masochistic to stay with someone who you (a) don’t really respect, therefore, cannot respect yourself and (b)to allow yourself to have such inner turmoil about a situation you can change.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:47 am: [report]

Queen Frostine:  Agreed and thank you for being a sensible person in the world.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:55 am: [report]

nedslv2: Don’t listen to “Don Jon.”  He is taking his own experiences and weaving a yarn and projecting it onto you.  He is NOT in your relationship and doesn’t know you or your wife.  How ridiculous a comment from a stranger.

Talk to your wife.  You wrote that she is “deliberately withholding sex.”  Have you asked her if that is what she is doing? 
She may have a whole other thing going on that is making sex frustating for her and not at the top of her “to do” list. 

It sounds like you want to be with her.  Relationships aren’t always smooth sailing and unless you two sit down and COMMUNICATE with each other then ANY conclusions drawn will be all in your head.
Talk objectively and listen carefully. 
There may be more problems that you aren’t addressing.

Commenter
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 07:26 pm: [report]

Cheating is inherently selfish.  The people I’ve known who’ve cheated - whether I’ve dated them or not - are people who feel entitled to have what they want when they want it, and the fallout for anyone else is a far secondary concern.  They’ve been treated as special and indulged most of their lives, and, frankly, it’s a pattern of indulgence that started in childhood that isn’t likely to change.  Becoming someone who would not cheat requires a whole new orientation to the world, and, IMO, is a rare accomplishment.

dasright
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 01:19 am: [report]

I just wanted to second ‘Commenter’s comment. My ex-wife was the baby of the family and always pampered, she had whatever she wanted and as a child she was never really corrected or punished and never saw any consequences for wrong-doing, and I think this carries through much further than just childhood. I found out she had been habitually cheating through our engagement and marriage, just any time she felt like it basically, as I think she had been conditioned not to expect any consequences for it. The ‘fallout’ did not worry her in the slightest, right up until it actually affected her directly - that is, when I said I was divorcing and she had to go live with her parents.

The other thing to consider is the examples cheaters have seen around them. Apparently my ex’s father went on a trip to Thailand and gave his wife an STD as a souvenir, and she just stayed with him, no consequences at all. I don’t know how old my ex was at the time but you can bet that this little nugget was tucked away for future reference, and instead of getting the life-lesson that adultery was bad that she could have had if her Mum had left her Dad, instead she got more reinforcement that she could do whatever she wanted and everything would be ok.

Imagine if the consequences of cheating had a 100% rate of the cheated on person ending the relationship. I bet there would be a whole lot less of it around.

So my summary would also be the same as ‘Commenter’s: it’s already highly unlikely that a cheater will change, and I would add that the more often cheaters are taken back and given another chance the less likely it becomes that they will change.