Debate This: Should You Invite Your Ex To Your Wedding?
Posted by: Jill Martin
Filed in:
relationships
11:59AM, Thursday October 8th 2009
Say you’re getting married. Maybe you’ve had a few serious boyfriends before. Perhaps you were even engaged to one of them. Or you might have just had a series of one-night stands that never turned into more than a few steamy stories you told the girls about over a pitcher of sangria.
Would any of your former flames make their way onto your wedding invite list? The subject has spawned divisive debates, countless chick flicks, and a memorable episode of “Friends.”
Attending a wedding when you’re lusting after the groom (or bride) is probably not a good idea for your own sanity. But for ladies who see exes as friends, rather than as dangerous reminders of a rather fun pre-wedding life, inviting anyone from an office crush to a former fiancé seems normal. Read the arguments after the jump and share your thoughts in the comments!
| Getting married is all about a new beginning shared with your closest friends. Why would you want to invite your ex and blemish your special day with memories of a bad breakup? This is your day and also your partner's day. An ex doesn't really have any place in such a celebration. It is like letting the past be a part of your future. Also, no matter how amicable the breakup has been, I don't really believe that you can be good friends with an ex. You cannot stop people from fancying your fiancé or husband, but then inviting an ex -- well, it is out of order. It really reminds me of that movie “My Best Friend's Wedding,” starring Julia Roberts, and we all know what happened in the end. If your fiancé still keeps in touch with an ex, well, that is because he/she might still have feelings for them. Unless it is their desperate need to show that they have too many friends at their wedding -- even that is still out of order. --Dimi Gaidatzi |
I invited two of my ex-boyfriends to my wedding. I guess I’m more casual about those things. One guy was my big love in college. It had been a really long time since we split and we had developed a friendship. We had dated for ten years, and then ten years had passed since we broke up. The four of us (he and his new girlfriend, my fiancé and I) had hung out before my wedding. It’s almost like he’s an old cousin. I had dated the other guy for six months. We decided we worked better as friends than as a couple. Both of these exes had become friends with my fiancé too, before we got married. This ex (the one I dated for just six months) even spoke at our wedding. We are still friends now. My husband and I actually met through his ex-girlfriend, whom he had become friends with. So maybe it’s in our genes, to be friends with exes. We also had a really casual wedding. It was a big party, basically. So maybe that helped. -- Lia Miller |
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Perceptible
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
No. No. No. Just no. It’s not fair to the person you’re marrying. Why go there? Just no.
Jennsz
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
I have been to two ex boyfriends weddings in the past one month. I have to say there is nothing wrong with it so long as there are no residual feelings.
We truly are all friends, I mean they know more about me than most of my girlfriends and I about them, so it’s no biggee that I was there or if they attend mine. They are more honest to me than anyone else and on my wedding day I know I’ll need that.
JenniferRly
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
Seems a little weird to me. Also, if your fiance isn’t okay with it, how on earth is he supposed to say that without sounding jealous or petty? My husband and I call these “permission traps” because if you ask, he can’t reasonably say no, even if he objects with good reason.
Rose
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
@Jennifer - “permission traps” is a great expression! Mind if I use it?
bethlynn00
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
My immediate answer upon seeing the headline: NO!
My reaction after reading the article and opposing viewpoints: NO! NO!
I mean did no one see the Wedding Planner? Mary (Jennifer Lopez), invited her fiance’s ex to their wedding, because they were “friends”, even let the ex throw her a bridal shower where she froze mint leaves and raspberries into the ice cubes for drinks! And what happened? Did Mary not find her fiance and his ex making out out in her car on the night of their rehearsal dinner?! Okay so maybe I have seen the movie too many times and yes it was a movie, but still my point is that I think the exes should be left out of the wedding festivities all together, it’s just bad karma to have them there in my opinion, even if you are “friends”.
kr070707
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
I think this is one of those things that completely depends on the situation. I agree with both of the women’s arguments above because their decisions in their particular situations made sense for them. I just don’t think it’s something that can be so cut and dry.
What if you briefly dated your best friend in college and you still remain close? What if you had a fling with your fiance’s cousin and that’s how you met your hubby-to-be?
Of course, if you only want to invite your ex(es) in order to show off, or if your fiance has a BIG problem with him or them, then no way. This also applies to his exes.
Adriana
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
No way! I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year and a half, and think he’s the BEST and could see myself marrying him.
I still keep in touch with my exes to varying degrees—2 of them I dumped cruelly and still catch up with them every 6 months or so, 1 of them I dumped cruelly and encounter him on mutual friends’ facebook walls but have not had a real conversation with in over a year and a half (he’s been married now for 1 year—I was NOT invited to the wedding), and 1 of them cruelly dumped ME and broke my heart to pieces. The last one I still keep in touch with on a fairly regular basis, I love our friendship, and know that we work wonderfully together as friends but tear each other apart in a relationship, so there is no risk that we’d get back together. Still, I can’t help that sometimes residual fond memories of our relationship bubble back up to the surface. And taking that into account, I don’t think it would be fair to have those fond memories of a former relationship floating around at my wedding to my current boyfriend/future husband. It’s not where my mind should be; it should be totally focused on ONE love in my life ... and all of our non-ex-boyfriend and non-ex-girlfriend friends. AND he shouldn’t have to have any distractions from our experience—such as guys in the room who I’ve had sex with BESIDES HIM.
JenniferRly
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
@Rose - Feel free. But bear in mind, it’s not always a bad thing. I’ve been known to use them to get my way on occasion.
Jessalyn
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
I think it really depends on the situation, but I don’t think I’d ever say “No. Period.” to inviting ex-SOs. I have one ex I’m still really good friends with - I would absolutely invite him to my wedding and would be pretty hurt if he didn’t invite me to his (we’ve now been friends for MUCH longer than we dated, so that may have an impact). On the other hand, I was annoyed that another ex did invite me to his wedding since we hadn’t spoken in four or five years and I couldn’t figure out why I was on his radar for an invite in the first place.
esmee
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
Nope, I’d be insane with jealousy if my boyfriend wanted his ex at our wedding. But I’m an insanely jealous person *shrug* deal with it or don’t be with me, I do try to mitigate it but part of that is that I wouldn’t do anything that would make me jealous to my partner.
Unless I do it to be deliberately cruel but that is a whole other thing…
I Go To 11
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
I’m getting married on Saturday, and my answer is a big fat NO. Too much drama and baggage there, regardless of how long or serious the relationship was. Bad vibes all around, IMO.
bogart4017
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
Answer: Nix, Nyet, Hell Naw!
Lynn
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
It seems like the argument in the article was more “can you be friends with an ex” because that’s what both of the arguments hinged upon.
WinkyFace
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t invite just any ex because that would be weird. But one of my exes remains a very close friend. We dated for a while, but it just took is a while to realize that we weren’t right for each other. There aren’t any romantic feelings anymore, but we still care about each other. If my fiance was okay with it, and the ex was okay with it, then why not? However, if the fiance hesitated if I brought it up, or if they hadn’t even met or didn’t get along, there is no way I would put either guy in that position.
retro chic
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
My recent ex… I would never, never invite to my (tbd) wedding. Never. It would become an even more epic Perfect Storm. We’re not on bad terms, but, there’s too much history and a particular connection that will not go away easily. The saying “Let sleeping dogs lie” comes to mind.
The others? Most, I think yes. But I’ll reserve judgment until the time comes.
Congrats, I Go To 11!
VsegdaOdna
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
I believe it depends on your and your fiance(e)‘s relationship with said Ex. I have a few I could never invite, and I have a few who I am now just friends with. If they were close enough with me and my fiance (if/when I get one) that I feel an invite is in order, and he agrees of course, I dont see the harm.
vaiaster
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 09:52 pm: [report]
no. i got married in may, and didn’t invite any ex (not even my ex-fiance’) to my wedding.
i prefer not to anyway. i don’t want someone from my past objecting to my marriage at any point during the ceremony, thank you. we broke up for whatever reason(s); i’ve moved forward with a fabulous man and would like it to remain that way.
draymond
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:15 pm: [report]
I would only say yes if you are absolutely sure that there are no residual romantic feelings or bitterness on either side! Either one could spell disaster.
majicksand
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
I invited two of my exes to my wedding this past June. One couldn’t get here from Seattle, but we had a great visit the month prior when he was in town. The other didn’t come because I got married on Father’s Day, and he had plans with his family. In both cases, we haven’t dated in many years but have remained good friends. Both of them were at my first wedding. It wasn’t at all stressful for anyone.
I really think it depends on your personal situations and comfort levels.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
@majicksand: Is your “news” official now?
majicksand
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
@scrmom: I assume you’re referring to the possible pregnancy? No, unfortunately it seems my body was creating false symptoms. That’s ok. We’ll just keep trying.
Thanks for asking. It means a lot. Believe me, you guys will be sick of hearing about it once I get a positive test!
thierry3
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
Call me old fashion-I say no it’s tacky to have someone attend your wedding that you have slept with other than your betrothed.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
@majicksand: I’m sorry! By the way, I love to hear pregnancy/baby stories, so share away once you get that positive HPT!
og217
wrote on October 11 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
This is not a rehashing of the question of “can you be friends with an ex,” this is a question of “do you know what is appropriate and what is not?” also known as “can you differentiate between facebook life and real friendship?” Its perfectly acceptable to be nice and friendly if you run into an ex. Its ridiculous to invite him to your wedding where your grandma can tell everyone what a nice couple you two made, and your friends can regale your fiance’s friends with tales of how you and the ex once did the fuuuuuniest thing, bla bla bla. thierry3 is right on as well.
majicksand
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 08:15 am: [report]
Funny thing, I didn’t feel at all tacky or ridiculous inviting my friends to my wedding.
william.paul
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
There are some ex’s I would invite and some I wouldn’t invite if I ever got married. I’ve remained friends with one ex in particular who happens to get along great with my gf. She would be more than welcomed if we end up getting married.
That being said, I’ve also been the ex who was invited to the wedding and I was the only male (no counting family) sitting on the bride’s side. It was…awkward.
Lynn
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
@ og217 - being nice if you run into your ex is NOT the same thing as being friends. Being friendly (being nice if you pass them on the street) is all but a requirement between exes (unless something truly awful broke you two up). Being friends (hanging out, catching dinner, inviting each other to parties) is an option.
Jenn27549
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
I wouldn’t have wanted any of my exes at the wedding, just b/c I’m not really close friends with any of them (and we had a very small, intimate wedding with just close friends and family only). My husband wouldn’t have wanted them there, either. On the other hand, I wouldn’t have minded having HIS exes there just b/c—maybe I’m petty, and assuming they would care—but I’m the one up there marrying him, not them. So they can see it with their own eyes and be forewarned to back the eff off!!
bethlynn00: wasn’t it her best friend, and not his ex? Maybe I’m remembering it wrong?
@JenniferRly: permission traps, that is great!!! I don’t use those often, but my husband does and now I have a name for it so we can discuss what it is he’s really doing!
AWESOME!!!
cooldad
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 05:43 pm: [report]
Yes, each person should be able to invite who they want. They are about to say publicly that they want to spend their life with you. It is uncomfortable, but those former bf/gf’s exist and will always exist. In fact, there will be other temptations and flirtations, but forever is a long time and the relationship has to be built on trust to start with. If you get jealous or upset, just say to yourself, they chose me.
Mimi_Jones
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 08:58 pm: [report]
I don’t think it’s the best idea. Uncomfortable and weird for everyone involved.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
Is this for real???
Nothing against my exes (all of them great guys, just not the right great guys for me), but no way in heck would I invite them to my wedding. Sheesh. Could you possibly think of a way to make the start of your marriage more awkward and weird?
catmcroy
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 06:00 pm: [report]
My parents backed out of my last wedding because they disagreed with the Pagan ceremony (my fiance and I are both Pagan, my parents are Christians). My first lover from 12 years ago actually walked me down the aisle and gave me away. He and I’d had a messy breakup, didn’t talk to each other for about 8 years and then we got back in touch as friends (the spark was LONG gone!!) and I couldn’t think of anyone more suited to it. He was honored, my fiance liked him and it felt very right. (The fiance and I broke up about a week after the wedding over completely unrelated issues).