Death To This Debate: What Makes A Person A Slut?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry | Filed in: Sex
2:00PM, Friday August 08th 2008
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One of my most shameful moments as a person was in the fourth grade. I was fairly invisible within my class, but had a desperate desire to be liked. There was another girl in my class who also was not popular and was picked on fairly often for being a little grubby. One day, in what I guess was an attempt to appear cool and funny to my classmates, I picked on her too. I told her she was dirty and that she reminded me of used toilet paper, whatever that means. Then I told her she was a slut. She cried. I still wasn’t popular after that, so the point was lost, and I’ve clearly spent the last 18 years thinking about how mean I was to her. But the thing is, I had no idea what the word “slut” even meant, I just knew it was a bad thing to call a girl. I still don’t know what a slut is and that’s because I don’t think there’s any definition that everyone can agree on. The debate over what makes a person a “slut” is so...ridiculous. Can’t we just retire it already?
Slut \Slut\, n. 1. An untidy woman; a slattern.
Sluts are good enough to make a sloven’s porridge. --Old Proverb.
The most common use of the word “slut” describes a person, usually a woman, who is promiscuous—another word that’s definition is totally open to debate. I suppose if you’re, say, a practicing Catholic, you’re a promiscuous slut if you’re having pre-marital sex. If you’re a person who thinks sex should occur between two people who love each other, someone who has sex with someone they only like may be a slut. Maybe your definition is a numbers game—five sexual partners in ones’ lifetime is a-okay, but anything over that and damn, it’s obvious you don’t respect your body. People who throw around the word slut love to pretend like there’s a concern for the slut’s body, and her lack of respect for it. What does “respect” in this context mean anyway? Certainly it’s possible for a woman who’s slept with 40 men to respect her body more than someone who’s only slept with one person—maybe she respects her body’s desire to experience pleasure, rather than her body’s desire to follow rules put upon her by someone slipping a purity ring on her finger, for example.
The fact of the matter is that what respect is, what promiscuity is, and what a slut is, is so totally subjective that to debate it is ridiculous. And a waste of time. And frankly I am tired of hearing and participating in, however peripherally, that debate. So I’m putting a moratorium on the subject all together. Who’s with me?
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Alexa
[report]wrote on August 08 2008 @ 03:58 pm:
I’m definitely with you, insofar as using it as a pejorative. I haven’t called anyone a slut in years.
I do, however, enjoy being called a slut in the bedroom. That’s different.
Simosa
[report]wrote on August 08 2008 @ 04:04 pm:
The only reason to keep the word slut is because C*** is such a terrible word and you just can’t go there. Sometimes you just need it - like B**** or F***head
But - referencing a girl who gets around...I’m all for eliminating it. Who’s not a slut today? If you start having sex at 17 and average 1 boyfriend a year for 15 years (if you’re like me and in your mid-30s and not married) - then you’ve probably slept with 15 guys. Am I a slut? Heck - I’ve had some really long dry spells during that period. I’ve gone 2 years at a time not sleeping with anyone and then been in 2 six month relationships during the course of a year.
Today - if you date a guy for even 3 months - chances are you’re probably sleeping with him. Heck - it’s likely that some girls even sleep with guys they date one month (which could mean 12 guys a year). But those girls aren’t like most girls - they’re sluts!
(just kidding)
Leigh Raines
[report]wrote on August 08 2008 @ 05:58 pm:
I’m with you Amelia. Slut is such an objective thing, everybody’s got a different meaning.
MissChaotic
[report]wrote on August 09 2008 @ 05:13 am:
I would say anybody who has wreckless, uncalculated sex with strangers often is a slut (i.e. someone who frequents one night stands with whoever they meet at the bar without taking any kind of initiative to at least date them or any real want to talk to them after the fact).
I mean lets be honest, I’m sure there are plenty of people who have had a one night stand before, but as long as its not a habitual thing and you’re safe about it, you’re fine.
With that being said, is Samantha Jones from SATC a slut or not, since her sexcapades with people last more than just one time?
Alexa
[report]wrote on August 09 2008 @ 05:59 am:
“I would say anybody who has wreckless, uncalculated sex with strangers often is a slut “
Why is it even necessary for you to call someone a slut? What purpose does it serve for you to do that, especially as a woman? Other than to make yourself feel better?
shilo20
[report]wrote on August 11 2008 @ 11:02 am:
i agree 100%. why should a woman who is just looking to have a little fun be call a slut. because she is not doing what people would consider right.well i say to hell with anyone who thinks like that. i think a person should do what makes then happy even if it means sleeping with someone
Erin
[report]wrote on August 11 2008 @ 01:29 pm:
“I mean lets be honest, I’m sure there are plenty of people who have had a one night stand before, but as long as its not a habitual thing and you’re safe about it, you’re fine. “
Who are you to say that someone else is “fine” in what they do with themselves? Not your body, not your case to judge.
In my past, I’ve been called a slut and worse. Its almost always come from other girls who are jealous of the percieved attention, the confidence I had in myself, etc. Every negative slur comes from jealousy or fear.
Budlight Lime Gal
[report]wrote on August 11 2008 @ 01:49 pm:
Girls just use the term when they feel threatened, guys use it when they get denied. That’s what I think in a nut-shell
Naughty and Nice
[report]wrote on August 11 2008 @ 01:57 pm:
I disagree. I understand these agruments but allow me to tell you my side of the spectrum. I don’t sleep around, not for any religous or moral reasons, just because I don’t. It doesn’t make me feel good about myself I guess. And I don’t mean to judge others who do sleep around, but the thing is, guys always choose the girl who is going to put out over the girl who isn’t. I feel like because I don’t sleep around I get percieved as either having low self esteem or I don’t like to have fun or something… Because so many girls are “sluts” it sets some kind of standard. Just because I’m a single adult I’m suppossed to do every guy I meet who I think is sexy? I just enjoy it more when I know the person, when there is some kind of connection. So, although I guess everyone has a right to do what they want without judgement, it’s also stupid to say that it doesn’t affect other people. Here’s an example: If I go out with a group of people and I have my eye on a guy, and along come miss legs in the air, and now all attention is on her, of course I’m going to be pissed. Not jealous really, but seriously, its seems counter-feminist that to get some attention girls have to be a slut. I may have gone of track a little but does anyone feel me on this?
Alexa
[report]wrote on August 11 2008 @ 02:18 pm:
Naughty but Nice, you sound like the typical girl who’s jealous that someone else is getting the attention (even though you say you’re not, your words sure suggest otherwise). That is almost always why one girl calls another one a slut. Thanks for reinforcing that stereotype.
Naughty and Nice
[report]wrote on August 11 2008 @ 05:11 pm:
I’m not jealous, it’s just annoying. The argument could be made that if a guy only wants to get a piece then I shouldn’t care anyway, and I know this. And it’s not like I don’t get attention, I’m attractive enough and I’m secure enough not to be intimidated by anyone… But time and time again, a new girl will come to hang out with our crew and she can’t just hang and get along with everyone, it’s like she MUST hook up or she didn’t have a good night. So I guess I find that annoying too.
And also I should say if someone is getting more attetnion then me I don’t just call her a slut, well, (I don’t actually call anyone a slut) but weather or not I think it about her depends on her behaviour. Sometimes girls are not sluts at all and just “attention whores” and although annoying as well, I wouldn’t just assume she’s a slut.
Alexa, why so defensive anyway?
MissChaotic
[report]wrote on August 12 2008 @ 03:44 am:
Naughty but Nice, I totally agree with you.
Alexa, I don’t go around calling girls sluts, however, I do agree that a girl like the one I described above would be considered one.
Erin, when I said they’re fine, I meant fine as in std free from practicing safe sex, not in terms of frequency.
And no, I’m not a jealous type female, there is no need for me to be, I get plenty of attention.
POAndrea
[report]wrote on August 12 2008 @ 12:16 pm:
Slut is such an unsatisfying word. Unimaginative, imprecise, and too subjective to be of any real use, pejorative or otherwise. I think we can come up with much better insults and adjectives. Promiscuous. Slattern. Whore. Flirt. Whatever. Something else, something that isn’t so loaded and subject to individual interpretation.
Alexa
[report]wrote on August 12 2008 @ 07:55 pm:
“I’m not jealous, it’s just annoying”
Why should it annoy you if you’re not jealous? I think your consistent use of “I” and “my” about losing potential partners to someone else screams “jealousy” to anyone who can read between the lines. If you weren’t jealous, there’d be no reason for it to annoy you.
“ I’m not a jealous type female, there is no need for me to be, I get plenty of attention. “
Well, MissChaotic, under N&N;’s ddescription above, *you* are a slut as well. I’m glad you at least agree with her on that.
MissChaotic
[report]wrote on August 13 2008 @ 02:16 pm:
Alexa, I agreed with her on the fact that I’m the type of girl that doesn’t “hook up” with random guys that give me attention. I’m not a call girl, I’m a model.
Michael
[report]wrote on August 13 2008 @ 03:03 pm:
slutty is a behavior, not a person. Sexy is an attitude, not a wardrobe....
Just a male point of view. Personally, I like a woman who knows when to behave like a lady, and also when to behave like a slut.....
Rosie
[report]wrote on August 13 2008 @ 03:14 pm:
I agree with Michael. It’s like saying someone is a Bisexual… there’s no such word. You can be bisexual and you can be slutty. Just my opinion.
M&I;
[report]wrote on August 14 2008 @ 05:28 pm:
Naughty and Nice, I just wanted to back you up in what you said. I personally am not jealous when another girl gets the attention because she puts out, i think its annoying and pretty pathetic. I have no interest in sleeping with whatever guy it is, but just sitting back and watching how some girls act in order to get the guys to have sex with them disgusts me.
I think that Alexa is a little lacking in the self confidence area herself here...because while she’s saying that the only reason you stereotype others is because you’re lacking the confidence yourself, she turns around and stereotypes you as being a “typical girl who’s jealous.”
Does is make you feel better to judge and stereotype someone else Alexa, as you say people who call other people sluts are doing it to make themselves feel better?
Just wondering.
Alexa
[report]wrote on August 14 2008 @ 06:18 pm:
“I think that Alexa is a little lacking in the self confidence area herself here”
LMAO! If it makes you feel better to believe that, knock yourself out. I’ve never had a self confidence problem. In fact, if you ask people who know me, it is quite the opposite.
Anyone who is annoyed at the attention someone else is gettering is jealous. Period. There’d be no other reason to be annoyed. Why else would you be annoyed at what someone else was doing that didn’t affect you?
I mean, it is one thing to be annoyned when someone’s doing something that disturbs you, like making too much noise, for example. But to be annoyed at what someone else is doing to get with a partner...there’s just no other reason for it than pure jealousy. Otherwise, you wouldn’t even care.
Why does it “annoy” you when some other girl acts some way to get a guy? What remote difference would it/should it make to you? Unless, of couse, you’re jealous that they are able to get someone a lot easier than you do/could?
Qamma Queen
[report]wrote on August 25 2008 @ 08:22 pm:
Just know that we all make our choices and pay for them dearly. A slut is a name some people are called, nothing more, nothing less. There is no sense in one hiding or diluting who they really are to save face. Be you, just know if you exhibit behavior that naughty/nice described some women may take the time out of thier busy important day to call you a slut. Girls do use the term when they are threatened...WOMEN may make it thier duty to help the slut out. Lastly, in most cases people know exactly what they are doing when they are doing it, if they dont they have to learn the hard way..........SO MIND YOUR BUSINESS.
Nicole
[report]wrote on August 26 2008 @ 10:33 pm:
Alexa have you ever been around girls who fall all over guys just to get some or get attention. It’s pretty damn annoying!!! You completely misunderstood what they were saying---they aren’t jealous of girls who get some, it’s their choice. Which I believe N&N;made perfectly clear in her first comment. Some women prefer not flaunt every aspect of themselves out there for men to fall all over. It’s not being jealous or a prude or anything like that. I personally agree with them because I know I would never throw myself at some man or many men just to be cute or get some sex. I have more important things to do with my time--like work and focus on school.
They were providing their def. of a ‘slut’. So saying someone is jealous simply because they state their opinion is purely hypocritical. IMO....
Alexa
[report]wrote on August 26 2008 @ 11:36 pm:
Of course I have. I hardly get “annoyed” by it, though. Why would I be annoyed at something someone else was doing - something that wasn’t directed at me? They go out of their way to talk about how much the attention someone else is getting is annoying to them. What possible reason would there be for it to be annoying if not jealousy? Otherwise, why you they even care?
And I’m not stating that they’re being jealous because they’ve stated their opinion - what an idiotic thing to suggest - that doesn’t even make sense. I am asserting that they hold the opinion they do because they are jealous. There is a difference there.
Camille
[report]wrote on August 27 2008 @ 12:15 am:
@ M&I;, MissChaotic, Nicole, others
Are you upset that the women are vying for a man’s attention or that they are having sex with the man for attention? Does it matter if the person doesn’t actually want the attention but instead just wants the sex? Which behavior of those behaviors do you consider “slutty”?
It does slightly bother me when people, men or women, deem it absolutely necessary to go out of their way gain the attention of others. However, no matter what they are doing to gain this attention, I dont consider the behavior to be slutty. The word “slut” means so many different things to so many different people that I agree with the author of the post--there’s no point in using the word.
You all seem to think that every woman who has sex with a man is doing this to gain attention or to please the man. Have you considered that maybe she just likes sex and she likes it with men. Perhaps she doesn’t feel the need to have a meaningful relationship. Some women just want to have sex and it has nothing to do with feeding their “attention-starved egos.” Its not about the attention its about the pleasure.
pixieonacid
[report]wrote on September 01 2008 @ 10:50 am:
slut is such a teenage girls term! when i was 16 i was on several occasions described as a slut 4 kissing more then one guy on a night out where as male friends who got off with several people in one night were always seen as cool and it was fine for them to boast about it!
I think everyone has a different view of whats “slutty”, I think if one feels comfortable sleeping with a boyfriend after a week, its fine, as long as they want to and aren’t just doing it to hold on to the guy! Some people may feel the need to wait longer and thats their choice. Everyone varies and every relationship is different!
MP
[report]wrote on November 04 2008 @ 03:01 pm:
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t get rid of this word! Some of us guys LOVE sluts! I don’t mean we wanna hump ‘em and dump ‘em, I mean we actually want to date, love, marry, take home to the parents (not like that you perv!).
I, for one, perfer my women on the promiscuous side. I like the sexually adveturous women that are in touch with and not afraid to express their desires. . . Yes, if we agree to be monogamous then I expect you to not have sex with other people, but I don’t expect all your other desires to just go away!
LONG LIVE THE SEXIEST WORD OF THEM ALL
YOU SLUTS
Ogbu
[report]wrote on November 04 2008 @ 03:30 pm:
A slut is anyone who uses sex in ANY WAY to hurt someone. A partner, a friend, family, or herself.
Plain and simple.
Agata
[report]wrote on January 28 2009 @ 09:44 am:
Roz: “Do I look slutty?”
Bulldog: “If you’re fishing for compliments, yeah, you look slutty.”
Seriously speaking, I’m with you!
signature: When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. If a man owns adult toys- it’s another pair of shoes.
Mackenzie
[report]wrote on February 08 2009 @ 04:18 pm:
I agree with Michael that “slutty” is a behavior, not a person. And I think that goes along very well with what MissChaotic and N&N;are saying (and I totally agree with them). I’m not jealous of women who parade themselves around half-naked and are desperate for attention, but I am super annoyed by them.
Example: I was visiting my sister at college and a girl came around and (rudely) got in my face, introduced herself, and began to drill me with questions, then started showing me pictures of cute guys she knew on her phone (annoying already)--and no, I couldn’t leave--we were at my sister’s work. Then a cute delivery guy came up and she proceeded to drape herself all over him (to his obvious discomfort) and tell him how she was showing me pictures of guys because I was “desperately lacking.”
I think that that girl was behaving in a slutty manner with that guy, vying so hard for his attention and cutting me down purposefully in front of him. I’ll say right now that she was a virgin and I am not, so it’s not like only promiscuous girls can act “slutty.” It’s a state of mind.
Lastly, Alexa, I can’t believe that you have never in your life been annoyed by someone who wasn’t speaking directly to you or about you. I don’t understand why you think a person shouldn’t be annoyed or in any way affected by another’s behavior.
outragesdale
[report]wrote on February 08 2009 @ 04:37 pm:
At this point in our lives, I really feel that calling someone else a slut tends to reflect very poorly on the person who bandies that term about. Calling a girl a slut really just makes me think the one saying it is judgmental about others, inconsiderate, and potentially close-minded on a level I am unnerved by. We all have our flaws, granted, but personal business is personal business.
I can’t say that by my own sexual standards, I haven’t mentally labeled someone in that regard. It all comes down to personal pride and self-esteem: the only person you have to satisfy is you. If you are fine with your sexual lifestyle, who cares? Insulting another person or gossiping is below all of us. We’re grown up girls and boys, no one likes to be called names. It hurts everyone involved.