Dear Wendy: The Sex Sucks, But Should I Marry The Father Of My Child?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Friday October 9th 2009
I have, what seems to be, a huge dilemma. I am 22 years old, and have been with my fiancé for a little over two years. I met him when I was getting out of a relationship, and needed to feel wanted, so I had sex with him after about a month. The sex was awkward and uncomfortable, and once we started I really wished I hadn’t, and then two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and seven months later he proposed. The sex hasn’t gotten any better, and I’ve never had an orgasm with him (but I pretend), and I really want to have one, but now I’m just getting less and less interested in having sex because I know it’s just not going to happen. We barely have sex now, and he makes me feel really bad about it, which really turns me off even more than I was. I love him, but maybe we’re just not sexually compatible. What do I do? — Engaged and Confused
Oy vey — that is a big dilemma. First things first: I hope you haven’t gone so far as to set a wedding date yet, but if you have, it’s time to delay, delay, delay. Buy yourself some time while you figure out whether this is a marriage you can actually feel 100 percent right about, because if you don’t feel it before you tie the knot, you’re definitely not going to feel it afterward. Ordinarily, I’d advise any 22-year-old who felt sexually unsatisfied by a guy who was only meant to be a rebound anyway to run as far from the altar as fast as she could, but your situation isn’t exactly ordinary, is it? You two have a kid together and for that reason alone, the long-term potential of your relationship is worth evaluating from all angles.
Setting aside the sex issues for a minute, is this a relationship that fulfills your needs in other ways? You say you love your fiancé, but do you love him as more than just the father of your child? Does he provide you with emotional support? Do you enjoy his company? Are you attracted to him? Does he challenge you to be a better person? Is it impossible to imagine a happy future without him as your partner? Is he financially responsible? If you answered “no” to any of these, then, for the love of God, resist buying into the idea that just because you’ve procreated, you’re meant to be husband and wife. Believe me when I tell you you’ll be providing a much more stable future for your child as a single mom than by entering into a marriage that’s doomed from the start.
If, however, your relationship is solid in every way but sexually, then by all means, work on getting your sex life on track so you’ll have all the components in place for a happy marriage. For starters, quit faking your orgasms! If he thinks you’re enjoying what he’s doing, he’ll keep doing it! If you haven’t already, spend some solo time figuring out what pleases you (a vibe or your own fingers will go a long way here). Once you’ve got a handle on that, share what you’ve learned with your fiancé. Hand him your vibe and show him where you like it — incorporate into sex routine until you’ve broken the orgasm seal. Then play around with different positions. Watch some porn together for ideas, surf the net, go to a sex shop for some inspiration. The key here is communication. If he doesn’t know you’re unsatisfied, how can he help change things? The bottom line is: you deserve to have a happy sex life. You may love this man and he may be a great father to you child, but if it’s just not there sexually, even with communication and a lot of work, save yourself — and him and your child— the agony and skip the trip down the aisle. No one ever said you need a marriage license to co-parent successfully.
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SCRMOM
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
While she says she loves him, it really doesn’t seem like she ever had strong feelings for him. Unfortunately, she got pregnant, but I think getting married based on how she describes their relationship would be a mistake.
cattgirl813
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
What a sad situation. If she can’t be open enough to tell her fiance and the father of her child about her sexual issues, then there’s no way she should marry him. Not because of sexual incompatibility, but because of a distinct lack of an intimate connection between them. She needs to sit him down for a long talk. How she’s never had an orgasm with him. (Has she ever had an orgasm at all? If she hasn’t, then she needs to add that to the list of topics.) How she had regret for sleeping with him just because she wanted to feel wanted. How she’s having second thoughts about marrying him. And then she needs to have him open up about anything on his mind. They have to be willing to be completely truthful with each other - without lashing out or being hurtful. They probably should have a mediator there - like a premarital counselor or therapist - as they have these conversations so they can do this in a constructive matter and not resort to arguing or closing up. They then need to discuss if they even want to be together - not married - just together as a couple. If they do, then they need to continue the therapy sessions and date each other - without sex at first - so they can get to know each other and learn more about their overall compatibility. If they don’t want to be together, then they need to work out a parenting agreement that meets everyone’s needs - starting with the child. I also think she needs to see about getting on some sort of reliable form of birth control if she isn’t already. This whole situation could’ve been avoided if they’d taken care of that detail before hooking up. I wish them all well. This is not going to be easy or pain free for any of them.
draymond
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 01:43 am: [report]
What is this sexual compatibility thing? If she has a functioning set of sexual organs and so does he it would seem that all the requirements for sexual compatibility have been met.
Now emotional compatibility, mutual attraction, compatible personalities, mutual respect, communication,and a strong desire to make the relationship work: Those are all incredibly important and if you have those then everything else necessary to provide a thrilling sexual encounter is nothing but a teachable set of actions. But you have to give a care enough to teach him and to learn yourself how to do the same for him.
Guys are neither mind readers nor innately endowed with knowing exactly how your needs are different than other women’s (particularly when you are thowing false signals by faking it). If you’re lying there expecting him to somehow psychicly know what he is doing that is less than perfect (while pretending that it is) then the reason that it just is not going to happen is yours and not his.
cadyms
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 05:57 am: [report]
If you love him, if you can talk (versus scream)through things, if you can find stuff to do together that makes you smile and laugh and remember your initial attraction to him - then the sexual stuff can be worked out. You’ll both have to be honest with each other. It’s hard enough when you’re older, but in your early 20’s it’s doubly hard. But the sexual stuff can be worked out, it really can. A therapist, even a book on the topic, and both of you talking about it - this doesn’t need to be a deal breaker. Good luck, and keep us posted if you will!
majicksand
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 09:17 am: [report]
Do you love him, or do you love the idea of him? Perfect family, happily ever after. Sounds to me as though the sexual issues are a symptom of a greater flaw in the relationship.
Hilary
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
I understand your situation - almost completely. I got married 2 1/2 years ago to a man I’d never had sex with because I wanted it to be special on the wedding night blah blah. God, was that ever a mistake!
The sex was horrible and I never wanted to after a couple times with him. I didn’t want to do anything with him and he made me feel so incredibly bad about it. He would joke about it in front of our friends and even my own brother. No, I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to take that anymore. I told him how I felt and that I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. He basically said he didn’t care. That hurt so much - because I’m sorry, I should want to have sex with the person I’m married to and when it’s not happening, there is something majorly wrong.
Needless to say, we have been separated for several months now. We had many other problems as well, but I get the whole: the sex sucks aspect of your problem. But you know ahead of time and if I were in your shoes, I would run the other way.
bbblondie
wrote on October 11 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
@draymond- well said!
VX967
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 08:57 pm: [report]
wrong @draymond very wrong. Lousy sex has two facets one is the technical the other is the person. Since she said she wanted an orgasm she may not even know her body. She lies when she fakes it. Worse she does not know how to communicate.
Engaged and confused here is an idea. Ask him “Do you know what I would really like”? when he says What? You say An orgasm!!
Otherwise; RUN!!!!!
Hilary, why did the sex suck?
retro chic
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:30 pm: [report]
With Wendy on this one – that’s it in a nutshell. Whatever love she thinks she’s feeling is better reserved for coparenting for now. At 22, there’s a whole world out there that includes better relationships, sex but only if she grows into more a honest adult with others, herself and her sexuality. Her kid needs two happy parents, not a pair of obligatory “grownups” playing house who can’t ultimately set a good example of relationships, let alone have one.
Hilary
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
@VX967
I guess we were both inexperienced, for one… He just really had no idea what the hell he was doing and if I’d say something, well, then he would apologize and stop. It also just never felt very good at all. Didn’t know what to do about that.
Gingee
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]
Oh, come on. The gal has options: Give custody of the kid to the man, pay child support and do some sampling of men who know what they’re doing.
Life is too short to be wasted on guys who do nothing for ya, sexually or in any other way.
Kick him to the curb.