Dear Wendy: Opening The Door To Love
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Friday November 6th 2009
I’ll start this off by saying that at 22, I recently decided that I need a new perspective on my life and I’m moving to China in February. So, of course, now that I’ve decided I’m leaving the States I’ve met two really fun guys. I have told them about my plans to move and I’ve been seeing both of them non-exclusively for the past three months or so. The first one — I’ll call him Devin — I’d never consider marrying, and is a no-strings-attached FWB kind of situation at most (he has acknowledged this as well). If I can, I’d like to keep him around for the thrill of it. The second guy in question, Andrew, is definitely the marrying kind. We go hiking on the weekends and talk for hours on end every day. This is the kind of guy I could see myself with for an extended period of time and recently he has been hinting at a relationship. I would be head-over-heels if it was not for the fact that I know I’m leaving soon and a Beijing-New York long distance relationship doesn’t sound all that feasible to me, especially when I’m going to be gone for anywhere from six months to four years. What I can’t decide is if it’s really worth pursuing a relationship with Andrew or if I should break if off now before I run off to China and before one or both of us gets hurt and just go about having fun with Devin for now? It seems cruel to start up with Andrew when I know that there will be an expiration date. Or am I getting way too ahead of myself? It has only been three months after all. Thanks! — China Bound
Look, any time you meet someone you can imagine falling head-over-heels for and having a future with you risk getting hurt. If we only pursued relationships that didn’t involve much risk — like your setup with Devin, for example — we’d miss out on some of the richest and most character-enhancing experiences life has to offer. You’re going to China, I presume, for the experience, are you not? You want to step out of your comfort zone and into a world that broadens your horizons and challenges your idea of reality. So if you’re up for one adventure (living abroad), why would you simultaneously reject the potential for another (falling in love)? The wonderful thing about being open to new experiences is you never know where they may lead you or how they might change your path.
Sure, there’s a chance you and/or Andrew could get hurt if you pursue a relationship and things don’t work out. That possibility exists whether you were going to China or not. There’s also a chance the two of you will share something that changes you and shifts your perspective on life (isn’t that what you said you were looking for in your move to China?). Life is full of these little gifts — connections to be made with other people, doors in to new worlds, pathways that were once hidden — and if you want to be fully engaged in your life, it’s your job to take these gifts when they’re offered, to open the doors and go down the pathways and see where they lead you.
There are always going to be Devins in your life. You’ll always be able to find a friend you can have no-strings-attached sex with, if that’s what you’re looking for. But a guy you could fall head-over-heels with isn’t so easy to find. Yeah, there are strings attached, but what if they’re attached to something great? I say go for it. Live life fully. Take the gift. Open the door.
I recently started hooking up with this guy I went to college with. When we first started talking he mentioned that he would be relocating to a new city in a few months. Now he’s gone and I can’t figure out whether we should pursue this relationship or not. I really really like him a lot and he is everything I would want in a boyfriend. Except, he has mentioned that he feels like at one point or another one of us is going to decide we can no longer do the distance thing. He says that he really likes me but he hates that I live in NY. I feel like he might not have much faith in doing a long distance set-up. I’m definitely willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work, but I just really don’t want to get hurt. — Confused in NY
Here’s the thing — whether you should pursue this relationship or not isn’t fully your decision to make. You might be willing to put in the work to make your LDR successful, but if he isn’t, there’s nothing you can do about that. If you two had had a real relationship before he left, I’d suggest you have an honest and frank conversation about where you see things going. This would mean discussing an end date to the long-distance part of the equation and considering making a move to be together in the future.
But this guy wasn’t even your boyfriend, right? He’s just someone you said you would want as a boyfriend. He’s someone you’ve been hooking up with and that’s it. See, if he wanted more than a hook-up relationship with you, it would have started while you two still lived in the same city, not after he moved away. He might be willing to do some low-commitment long-distance hooking up with you now — especially if you were the one doing the commuting — but when he says that “at one point or another” one of you is going to decide you can’t do the LDR thing anymore, what he means is that at some point he’s going to find someone to take your place — someone who lives in his city and he can hook up with as much as he wants.
Long-distance relationships are hard — they take a lot of commitment, communication, and work from both parties. This guy has given no indication that he’s interested in any of those things. You had your fun with him, but now it’s time to move on. Find someone who you not only would want to be your boyfriend but who wants you to be his girlfriend, too.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Jill
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I say ditch devin and andrew and find a hot chinese guy…yum!
xifeng882
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
@dopaminer: dude, you sound seriously bitter. The girl is 22, no one says she has to be ready for marriage or settling down just yet. Maybe she’s just scared, at which point she needs to just toughen up and bite the bullet.
joyy
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Long distance works best when there’s an end-point on the distance and you can actually visit each other. Starting a relationship with a guy when you’re packing to be gone for 6months-4 years doesn’t sound like it would work, unless either of them has the means to travel at least a few times a year to see each other over that time. For some people, that’s fine, for others (especially with this economy) it’s not. I would say good luck, but my money isn’t on China-bound’s thing with A working out.
As for Confused, sounds more to me like that guy is pretty sure he doens’t want to live in NY and sees that taking a relationship one of two places: she moves to where he is or it ends. Sounds more to me like maybe neither of them is willing to move and he’s being a little more honest about it than she is.
xifeng882
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
@dopaminer. I was referring to the first. I didn’t see your comments on the second when I posted
loveitlala
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
Wendy, I <3 you. Always perfect advice.
loveitlala
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
Joyy are you really already predicting the relationship with Andrew won’t work before even having tried a relationship? People who give themselves limits on life miss out on a lot. She may find she doesn’t want to go to China or she may find the guy isn’t great for her afterall. She may experience a death in the family and move back home. Februrary is a long way off and the only way to live is day by day.
loveitlala
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
Oh, btw, I had a very similar experience but I was moving to South America. Ended up moving for 3 months, HATED IT, and was very, very happy to come back home to a boyfriend I had met 2 months before I left. That relationship lasted for 2 years.
luke15chick
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
I do wonder is the trip to China concrete and done deal or is there still time to maybe adjust. Personally I hold a high value on love and if there was a potential love relationship in the works, I would adjust my career plans to accommodate the relationship. Something like a trip to China can realistically be done at another time in this girl’s life maybe with her man Andrew and they could both grow together. But good relationships I feel are like catching a beautiful sunset at just the right time.
joyy
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
@loveitlala - I’m predicting that if they do this and she is gone for half a year to 4 years, it’s pretty bad odds unless either of them have the funding to travel to see each other. She has no end date, and she hasn’t even talked to the guy to see how he would feel about it - she’s running on what she perceives to be a hint.
I started my current relationship on other sides of the country, then split to Asia for the summer about 5 months into the relationship. It takes kind of unique circumstances to pull it off, and I’m not necessarily seeing those things in the letter.
betty123
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]
I hate the advice to possibly not go to China! She would totally regret it!
As for the two guys, if all she is getting from Devin is FWB, it seems like she could try things with Andrew complete with benefits. If it doesn’t work out, she could probably just go back to hooking up with Devin, since he doesn’t want anything more with her anyway.
draymond
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 06:04 pm: [report]
I totally agree with the advice to try a relationship with Andrew. How else are you going to know if he is worth coming home for?
A lot has been said about LDRs, but there is also an exciting side to them too. Your lover is seeing and doing exciting new things and sharing all of them with you. Meanwhile for the traveler the lover is a link to the comfort of the familiar. And then when you do get to spend time together it carries a sense of urgency that can be absolutely electric. Imagine spending an entire weekend where every second, every word, every touch, was absolutely precious. meanwhile the long talks can re reassuring that the relationship has a nonsexual dimension as well.
Would I desire to be apart from my lover rather than together? Of course not. But it is not all negative.
majicksand
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 04:33 pm: [report]
Ughh! Everytime I try to comment the page refreshes by itself and I lose everything. I’m typing at lightspeed (for me) to get this to post. Please fix whatever is going on. This is so annoying.
majicksand
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 04:35 pm: [report]
Let’s see if I can type fast enough to answer before the page refreshes.
China Bound: Keep your options open. Keep in contact with Andrew while you’re gone but not exclusive. Maybe something more will develop when you get back, maybe not.
majicksand
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 04:37 pm: [report]
Confused: Not a relationship. Move on.
Shelbs305
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 07:05 am: [report]
yes please fix that annoying, page refreshing thing. its really obnoxious.
Kateastrophe
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 11:19 pm: [report]
China Bound: If you wanted this relationship, you wouldn’t be asking. Enjoy the drama, go to China, rinse, repeat until you meet someone who makes you stop asking whether you really want to be with him.
Confused: Break up with him before he moves away, resentful. Your relationship is going to end anyway. It’s just a matter of time. If you manage to keep him hooked, it will just die a long, slow, whimpering death with you trying to sell yourself that he really wants to be with you until you find out he’s been sleeping with someone else and go into self-righteous hysterics, and he tells everyone about how miserable and crazy you are.