Dear Wendy: My Wedding Is Making My Best Friend Crazy
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Friday October 23rd 2009
I graduated about two years ago and moved from Chicago to Florida. My best friend from college still lives in Chicago and we have remained very close. Ever since last December, when I got engaged, this friend is driving me CRAZY. She throws herself a pity party every day and then gets upset when no one comes. I am having a very small wedding so have not asked much from my bridesmaids but whenever she volunteers to do something she then complains about it for the next month—to me. She recently told me that she’s spending so much money on weddings that she has decided she’s going to throw herself a “singles party” and that everyone must bring presents. I understand that attending weddings is a financial burden—but being that I am the one hosting the wedding I feel like she should probably find someone else to talk to about that. On top of that—she’s been complaining so much recently that my fiance doesn’t want her to come to the wedding - let alone be IN the wedding party anymore. Am I being a Bridezilla? Or does my friend need to keep some of her comments to herself? Can our friendship possibly survive my wedding and her pity parties? — Frustrated in Florida
First of all, congratulations on your engagement! Having gotten engaged and married this year, I understand the kind of emotional and financial stress planning a wedding can create, and it’s a shame your best friend is letting her jealousy get in the way of being a supportive friend. You have a couple of things you need to think about here. First, how important is this friendship to you and how important is it that your friend be in/at your wedding? It’s easy to be someone’s friend when you’re feeling good about your own life and your friend doesn’t need much from you. It’s not quite as easy when a friend’s happiness only reminds you of what you don’t have. That’s not real friendship, and if your friend in question has a history of not being there when you need her, or only being there when it’s convenient for her, I’d dump her a** before she had a chance to ruin your wedding. Life’s too short for bratty, toxic friends.
If, however, you’re serious about salvaging the friendship at whatever cost, you have a couple of options. You can “relieve” her from her bridesmaid expenses/duties, either by offering to cover them yourself (if you can afford to without feeling resentful) or letting her know that while it’s important to you that she be a part of your wedding, it’s more important that she not feel financially burdened by it. If that means she attends your wedding as a guest rather than a member of the wedding party, so be it, but do give her the option one more time to make that decision. Being in a wedding is expensive and maybe she didn’t fully realize that when she first agreed to be a bridesmaid. Or maybe her financial status has changed since you asked her and she can no longer comfortably afford the expenses. The point of her being a part of your wedding party is to honor the special bond you share, not to financially exhaust anyone.
If she decides to remain a bridesmaid, be frank with her that that means no more whining about the cost of attending yours — or anyone else’s — wedding. If people in her life are getting married left and right and she’s feeling left out, remind her that there isn’t a time frame for finding a life partner; she’ll find hers one day, too. But this is your time right now and you’re not being selfish or a “Bridezilla” by asking for a little support from your best friend.
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joyy
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
I’m missing something - what do brides maids have to pay for? (never been in a wedding and none of the friends I’m that close with have gotten married yet or did a homegrown/elopement thing).
bumbler
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
@joyy depends on the bride, for more extreme brides showers, bachelorette parties, gifts, nails, hair, dresses, shoes.
My wedding was fairly simple, the bridesmaid had to buy a dress which I made sure was very affordable since my bridesmaids are young, just out of school. I didn’t care how they did their hair, nails make up, or what shoes they wore. I didn’t have a shower and for my bachelorette party my mom, sister and I went on a girl’s vacation.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
@joyy: Typically, bridemaids pay for their own dress, a bridal shower and the bachelorette party.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
@joyy: Bridesmaids are often asked to pay for their dress, and they generally throw the bridal shower/bachelorette party. But I’m guessing in this case the friend is also complaining about travel expenses, since she will have to go from IL to FL to attend the ceremony. I agree with you Wendy, if the wedding is such a burden to the friend, kick her out of it! I wouldn’t want anyone who was going to complain constantly about MY wedding, then don’t be apart of it! When my friend got married 2 years ago her sister was suppose to be her MOH, but she was complaining about everything, she hated the dress, the shoes, she didn’t want to plan the bachelorette party, so a month before the ceremony she was dropped as the MOH and from the entire wedding party and she was mad, but the wedding went off without a hitch!
calenia
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
@joyy - It adds up fast the engagement present, wedding present, bridal shower, nights out celebrating, bridesmaid dress (routinely $100-300) plus any shawls, shoes, or accessories the bride orders you to wear, hair and makeup for the bridal party, transportation and hotel if you are travelling or its a destination wedding. Your time assembling invites, programs, gift bags, etc. the cake testings, dress fittings…. the list is endless.
joyy
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
wow, it never occurred to me that a woman would pick out an outfit for her friends and then make them pay for it. Is that standard? It seems rude ... plus engagement AND wedding presents? All I can say is I’m glad my engaged friends aren’t nearly this high-maintenence.
ellie1202
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]
not all brides require expensive dresses, makeup or hair. the weddings i’ve been in i’ve had to pay for the dress/shoes, a shower gift, wedding gift and travel but the hair and makeup were optional. no friend expects you to go beyond your means in purchasing gifts and planning showers/bachelorette parties. the idea is to be there for the friend. if however, this person really can’t afford it she needs to speak up. and as far as taking a lot of time, it should be fun for the group of friends participating to do all those things. it’s a once in a lifetime (usually, even if you remarry the second wedding isn’t as big as the first) event that you should want to celebrate with your friend!
annie24
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
@joyy - that’s how it works!
Having had many friends get married in the past couple years and spending A LOT on weddings, I think the other side is totally lacking here. Obviously, we’re getting the bride’s side of things. I’ve had many friends who get so obsessed with their own weddings and being “the bride”, they kind of forget to be “the friend”. Maybe her friend’s life/finances/family/etc. has changed a lot recently and “the bride” has been so self-absorbed she hasn’t noticed or reached out or connected to her friend the same way. Responding by whining may be immature, but no reason to automatically jump to “dump her a**”. I’ve seen way too many self-absorbed brides who are so caught up in the “it’s my time” philosophy to jump to the conclusions you’re reaching.
kr070707
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
I don’t know…maybe it’s my general distaste towards all the wedding hoopla, but I might have to side with Frustrated’s friend. Does it sound like she’s whining a lot and is getting to be super annoying? Yes, but I wonder if there isn’t something else going on in her life besides jealousy. Has Frustrated taken the time to listen to her friend? Or call her to talk about things that are not wedding related? Maybe there’s some major stress going on in her life that Frustrated isn’t even aware of due to distance and her busyness with the wedding planning. In my experience brides can have a way of expecting that their wedding plans should not only occupy their entire life but also their friends’ entire lives for months on end.
Again, only knowing one side of the story makes it difficult to judge.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
@joyy: I know it is standard where I live. Sometimes, if you’re a good friend long enough, you get to be in your friend’s second wedding too, so you get to do this all over again. *sigh*
hlnbabe
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
dude, its a wedding and its customary. the friend should shut her trap.
jambadreamer07
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
Agreed with hlnbabe.
A wedding is one day. It’s the day that you get to design for yourself. Some women dream about this day for their entire lives. Frustrated is hardly a bridezilla, her friend is a friendzilla. I say lay down the law with the whiny b*tch. I feel like if there is one thing that you are allowed to be completely domineering about, it’s your wedding day (hello, Anne Hatheway in Bride Wars anyone?) especially if your only demand is that people act pleasantly. This girl should be complaining to the other bridesmaids, or just someone else that isn’t the bride.
I thought that all of this was instinctive?
bethlynn00
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
I have been in a couple of weddings and I have never been asked to buy a really expensive dress, plus I know that the parents of the bride will sometimes kick in for at least the bridal shower, I’ve seen that happen. I mean if you are in someone’s wedding and they are you’re friend and you love them, I don’t think it’s a big deal to spend some money to make their day special. Think about all the expenses they are incurring, between their dress, renting halls, food & drinks, and so on, that’s a lot. The wedding I am going to be in August, the bride actually does not have bridesmaids dresses picked out she told all of us to but our on dresses, but just that they are in the 2 colors she picked out. And I have never minded buy the dress or chipping in for the shower or gifts, because i know that when it’s my turn those same people will be there for me, and if not those bitches owe me a refund! Just kidding.
equnsuocha
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
If she was an extreme bride she wouldn’t be concerned with her friends issues, she would have Bridezilla stomped on her and either chucked her out of the wedding or better yet her life. This girl is jealous and a baby and doesn’t deserve the honor of being in the wedding IMO.
My BFF is married and pregnant, two things I will likely NEVER have, should I complain about what the tickets to butt hole OK are going to cost me when she delivers and how much her baby shower gift is going to cost so that I can make her feel as crappy as I do with my selfish jeaoulsy? No you support her and you are honest about what you can afford or you get out.
Spot on advice IMO.
PS I have always said if I were ever to have a real wedding my bridesmaids would wear black dresses that they chose themselves and that they COULD actually wear again. My sister is 5’1” and 300lbs, my BFF is 5’10” and 200lbs, and my other girlfriends are 5’8” and 130lbs and 5’2” and 110lbs, what single dress would look good on all of them? None lol
vtgirl1993
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
I’ve been in a number of weddings and while every bride is different, the costs skyrocket very quickly. I had one friend who paid for everything (dress, shoes, make-up, hair, lodgings, etc.) and others who didn’t. (I actually had one friend who demanded that we pay for HER make-up and hair on top of everything else. She’s no longer a friend.)
Personally, I never complained about these things though most of these weddings were very tough for me financially. I even tried nicely to bow out of a couple, but managed to work something out with the parents/bride. I was just honest about wanting to be there for her, but not being able to afford it. Most were cool about it.
Personally, I don’t think I’m ever going to marry and if I do, then I’m having a very small wedding and zero hoopla. I think we, as a society, should have something that honors singles in a similar manner as a wedding. More and more people are choosing to remain single, so why shouldn’t that choice be honored?
luke15chick
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
I can’t speak for all girls, but a common conversation I’ve had before and have heard other girls have is the joy of one day getting married and having your closest girlfriends there beside you as bridesmaids. My best friend and I promised each other maid of honor at age 15. For Frustrated Bride to have chosen this friend as a bridesmaid is an honor and the girl chosen should see it as such, instead of seeing it as a drain on her life. A true friends rejoices when her friend is happy and this person is doing anything but. Perhaps by drawing attention to this behavior the girl will realize what a damper she is putting on the celebration and change her tune. If she doesn’t, then how much does she really care about the bride’s happiness?
kr070707
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]
I guess I just wonder if Frustrated has become the kind of bride that I’ve dealt with that believes that not only does she get one day that’s dedicated to her and her love, but that she gets 6 months or a full year. To be honest, Frustrated doesn’t seem that concerned about her friend’s feelings and more about how her friend’s feelings are going to affect her wedding. I really hope that isn’t the case, and like I said above, the friend does sound really annoying, but annoying enough to wonder if something else is going on in her life.
I guess I’ve had too many experiences with brides-to-be that expect every get together and every phone call (literally) to be dedicated to their wedding that it makes me cynical.
kr070707
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]
To clarify I certainly don’t think that every bride acts this way, not by any means. I guess I’ve just had bad luck, lol.
SouthOC
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 05:25 pm: [report]
@joyy: If you think it’s rough on the bridesmaids, the parents of the bride usually pay for the wedding… doh!
The average cost of a wedding in the US is $20,000
thesinglest
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 09:24 pm: [report]
I’ve been maid of honour twice in the last year and will be a third time next July. So I understand how much it sucks to watch “everyone” around you get married as your bank account dwindles while you celebrate other people’s love. It can be a frustrating time as a single woman for sure. However it’s a super important day. Yes, it’s only one day which might seem insane to some people that SOO much goes in to one little day (ex. me) but to a lot of women this is it. This is THEEEEE day. So I think if you have been asked to be such a big part of this incredibly important day, that you should suck it up.
I know the cost can be overwhelming, especially since the last 2 weddings I were in were out of the country, but I think if she’s having such a hard time with the money, she should talk to her friend. I also think as the bride FIF should understand where her friend is coming from. It’s a lot of give and take. That’s why picking your bridesmaids shouldn’t be taken lightly!! A lot of trust and work goes with being a bridesmaid so my advice for brides is only pick girls who you have great relationships with!
Good luck FIF!!!!
sexcandyfireflies87
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
So I’ve ben in TWO weeding this year. One as a bridemaid and the other as the Maid of Honor. Now I can say that both brides took it a little too far. The first one started casting out friends from her wedding party cause they couldn’t afford the dress, well one was going to school and working full time so she had no time, the other, two: one was my best friend and the other was the brides friend, an ex friend of mine. Well the ex friend didn’t say why she couldn’t afford the dress and got kicked out, I don’t blame the bride for that one. But with my best friend she kicked her out cause she missed the alteration date. BUT she was working the late shifts, so she was never really up during the day, how do you pull that off while getting enough sleep!?
Then the second wedding, my friend doesn’t drive, SO she expected you to always be there for her, no matter what. Well I go to school full time and only have certain hours available during the week. Then 2 weeks before the wedding she called me up at 10:49am on the day I was sick as a dog, asking me to come out to the seamstress @ 1pm for where the hole was to slip through the string to hold her dress up. She told me to go back to sleep and then told me to get back up around 11:30am. But see once I wake up I can’t go back to sleep, even when I’m sick, so I was screwed over. She then goes on to complain that I’m never there for her to another bridesmaid! But I was going through a lot during that time frame and the bride just seemed to into her wedding to notice.
All I can say is the bride is wearing wedding rose colored glasses, even the good ones who never go bridezilla. The number one thing is for the bride: don’t let your brides walk all over you by ASKING them every little detail on what to do and same applies for asking your family, cause that gives them permission to tell you about everything for your wedding. And second if your bridesmaid seems angry or hurt pull them aside, DO NOT talk wedding, and ask them what’s going on in their life. It could be something entirely non-wedding related that is affecting the girl. Cause brides about 2-3 months before the wedding forget to be just a friend as well when she isn’t going over stuff for the wedding and that’s what got me upset with my friend.
joyy
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
@southOC - and sad to say though, the average American is an idiot.
majicksand
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]
My wedding was very, very casual. I wore a long sundress and sandals. My sister was supposed to be my only bridesmaid. I gave her a basic idea and told her to go buy a sundress she liked. She prefers tea-length, so that was fine.
We had a huge shake up at the last minute because our bestman got stuck in Italy, then said he would make it after all. By then we had asked someone else to fill-in. I called my best friend and told her to grab a sundress out of her closet and bring it to make the numbers even. Then the original guy missed his connection in Paris and missed it after all.
I had already bought extra flowers for my second bridesmaid, so my sister and best friend walked together. It was a complete cluster, but we ended up married by the end of the day, so it all worked out. Besides, we have a great story!
As to the bridesmaid from the letter, tell her to mellow out or bow out. The bride has enough stress. All my sister had to do was pick up the cake—no parties, nothing. The cake fell over in her car between the bakery and the wedding. I just laughed. It was par for the course by that point! We pushed it back upright, turned the mashed part to the back, and partied on.
SouthOC
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
@joyy: You might be right, but big expensive weddings aren’t just an American tradition, it’s a worldwide epidemic…
thickasawhaleomelette
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
@joyy: Many people have posted here about costs, and there are a lot of costs to be expected, but when I was in a very nice (local) wedding I only paid for my dress, for the gifts for a shower and wedding, and for my share of a relatively low-key bachelor party. It depends on the wedding and the people involved. When I told my family about paying for the bridesmaid dress that I didn’t love, my dad thought it was appalling and said, “No one will pay for their own dresses at your wedding.” (I’m not engaged, or close to it, but I was closer at the time). The most important and tricky part is communicating those expectations to the bridal party.