Dear Wendy: “My Internet Boyfriend Is A Bisexual Cross-Dresser”
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
12:30PM, Tuesday November 10th 2009
I’m dating a guy I met on the internet. We have never met but we text all day, and every night we talk on the phone and so far it’s been great. He’s really nice, very attentive and we have even said ‘I love you.’ But the problem is that he is bisexual and cross-dresses a few times a month. I’m kind of confused, but at least he is honest — we have talked about it and he has tried to calm me down and explain it to me. But I’m actually scared and I don’t know if I should run or accept him for who he is, have fun with the situation, and trust that he is going to be faithful and that he really loves me, because at the end of the day he is nicer than most guys I have dated. I really don’t know what to do, and I have to decide fast because he is coming to see me soon. Should I run? Do bi guys cross-dress or is that something only gay guys do? — Internet Girlfriend
I’ll answer your easiest question first: no, cross-dressing is not something that only gay men do. Bi guys do it. Even straight guys cross-dress and are able to maintain happy, healthy, monogamous marriages with women who are understanding and non-judgmental of their fetish. The harder question to answer is whether you should run, and my answer is: yes, but not for the reason you think.
The issue here isn’t that your internet boyfriend is a cross-dresser, something I think is ultimately pretty harmless if a couple is open and understanding about it. The issue isn’t even that your internet boyfriend is bisexual. Being bisexual, after all, doesn’t mean a person is any less capable of having a healthy, monogamous relationship than anyone else. The issue here is that you’ve never actually met this man in person and you’re already calling him your boyfriend and professing your love for each other. That’s scarier than anything else you reveal in your letter.
How much do you really know about this guy? And how do you know you can trust him? I mean, yeah, it’s commendable that he’s admitting to his cross-dressing ways and letting you know he’s bisexual, but how do you know he isn’t saying these things in an attempt to get you to trust him? You may think you’re in love with this guy because he’s nice to you and you text all day and talk on the phone each night, but that isn’t love. That’s filling a hole in your life with false companionship.
I’m not saying that there’s never potential for an internet relationship to develop into a real relationship offline; I actually know of several married couples who began as long-distance online paramours. But it’s a risky endeavor and there has to be something more pulling you together than “he’s nicer than most guys I have dated.” I don’t think I have to tell you that there are lots of sick people out there who prey on the loneliness of others. You’ve already said you’re “actually scared.” And you’re going to let this man into your home, why? Because he’s “nice”? This is a no-brainer: the risks simply outweigh the potential on this one.
My boyfriend is in the Army, and he’s to be deployed in a year. We love each other and have been contemplating moving in together. My mom and I are best friends, and one day she asked how I’m going to let my boyfriend deploy without marrying him first. I know he loves me as much as I love him, but it’s really starting to gnaw at me. I don’t know how I’m going to act or feel when he gets deployed and I’m starting to wonder if being married might be easier. What do you think? — Army Girlfriend
She may be your mom and your best friend, but this is definitely not a case of “mother knows best.” There are plenty of wonderful reasons to get married — being afraid of how you might act or feel when your boyfriend is deployed in a year is not one of them. Look, it’s going to suck when he gets deployed. You’re going to feel a host of difficult emotions, none of which will be any easier to deal with because you’re legally bound as husband and wife.
Being newly married is supposed to be a fun, exciting time in a couple’s life, but you’d have to put your celebration aside while you wait out his deployment. That’s no fun! Don’t start off a marriage missing your husband and worrying about his deployment. Move in together; go ahead and even get engaged if you want. But save married life for when he comes home. It will be worth the wait and make your time as a newlywed that much more special.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
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Joey Daytona
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
The bi-x-dresser is her ‘mirror’, she should explore her bi aspects and feel safe with him as the surrogate woman.
LilMissSunshine
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
In regards to the army letter, don’t marry him before he deploys unless you are planning to marry him anyway. If you get engaged before he leaves. For the love of all that is holy at least go to the court house and legally get married. Feel free to have the big ceremony when he gets back. I’m saying this because this is what my dad tells his soldiers. If god forbid the worst happens you will get his benefits if he dies. If he’s unmarried and has no children no one gets them. Yes I know it’s not an ideal situation, but that’s life for you.
draymond
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
Letter one: Anybody who is saying “I Love You” to somebody they have never met in person is way ahead of themselves.
As to Army Girlfriend. In her mother’s day it was considered expected to marry the boyfriend before he deployed. It was partly because the no-sex-before-marriage ethic was much stronger and partly to truly committ to the boyfriend that she would be there for him when he returned. But there was also a third reason, one which unfortunately still applies today.
That reason is spousal benefits. The army is much better about taking care of the wives of injured and deceased soldiers than it is about taking care of the girlfriends of injured and deceased soldiers. So while I would revolt at suggesting this under any other circumstances you might want to make a quick and simple trip to the county courthouse so that you can be listed on his army paperwork as wife. Then later at the end of the tour of duty you can decide either to dissolve it as quietly as you created it or make it public with a full wedding.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]
The spousal benefits in the unfortunate case of death is a good point I didn’t think of. But it’s still not a good enough reason to marry someone you weren’t already planning to marry.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
lol @ getting married before deployment… in 7 months we had 28 teenage marines out of a battalion of 1400 come crying to us about cheating wives they married right before deployment… dont do it. and his benefits would go to his beneficiaries if he didnt have a wife or kids. usually his parents or siblings.
majicksand
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 05:08 pm: [report]
1st letter: This situation is definitely a train wreck. His preferences are irrelevant. Her reaction to them clearly signals she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him. She’s in love with the fantasy, not the actual person.
2nd letter: Don’t get married unless both of you are ready for that level of committment. My cousin got married 3 weeks before he deployed for a year. She cheated, and they were separated before he got back. Thankfully the army protected his assets while he was overseas because she tried to clean their bank accounts out.
draymond
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:02 pm: [report]
I didn’t mean to suggest a cavalier attitude about getting married. However the writer did talk about how much they loved each other and were thinking of moving in together so it seems like a pretty strong relationship. Obviously she must feel strong enough about the relationship to want to stay true to him through the separation. And this isn’t just a matter of death benefits. Just as are faced by other unmarried couples there are problems with hospital visitation, etc. There is also broader access to support counseling.
Fortunately the deployment is a year away so they have time to decide…IF they don’t go for a big church wedding that would take months to prepare. That was why I suggested the trip to the courthouse route.
og217
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 01:24 am: [report]
The first letter is such a desperate and lonely one that its an uncomfortable read. Maybe the writer should get a cat or something, if she is so desperate for love and companionship as to delude herself that she’s in a relationship when she is not.
rowdygirl
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 07:40 am: [report]
How can you say you’re “dating” (and love) someone you’ve never met?
Weird and desperate.
ladyredlocks
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
I’m not sure how it works in the states, but my bf is deployed from Canada and if anything happens, I am listed as his beneficiary.
silver_dragon_girl
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 12:36 am: [report]
Not weird, not desperate, not even that unusual.
It happens, people. You meet someone online, you start chatting, talking on the phone…things happen. You get more emotionally involved than you ever planned on becoming. It’s a snowball situation, and unless you recognize it for what it is early on, you’re pretty much doomed.
You CAN fall in love with someone you’ve never met.
Then, of course, you meet them and realize that the person you’ve been talking to for months is NOT the same person standing in front of you.
Internet Girlfriend, PLEASE be careful. It’s too late to save yourself heartache now, but you can minimize it. Remember that you haven’t met this man. Remember that all you know of him is what he’s told you. Do meet him (in a well-lit, public place), do talk to him and give him a chance…but try to keep your expectations low.
Kateastrophe
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 11:05 pm: [report]
Internet Girlfriend: Given the specifics of what you wrote, you sound very young, confused, and like you don’t have your head on straight.
But all these generalizations are crap. Obviously a person needs to be a little cautious and to confirm what she thinks she feels by meeting the person. But it’s condescending and naive to claim that love depends on the physical when many, many people who are in relationships see each other all the time but don’t really know each other because they can’t communicate for jack.