Dear Wendy: My Husband Can’t Cut The Apron Strings
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Friday October 30th 2009
I am 24 and have been married for about 2 1/2 years. Since getting married, we have visited my husband’s parents, who live about 45 minutes away, at least once a week, including practically every weekend. My husband and I both work full time and weekends are really the only downtime that we have together. He’s really close to his parents — he lived with them until we got married — and sometimes I feel like “the bad guy” if I don’t want to go over. Even when I don’t go with him he’ll still make it a point to go alone, which obviously still interferes with our time. It even goes beyond weekends; forget about trying to go away for the holidays—his family has always spent the holidays together and it would be unheard of not to. I’ve tried talking to my husband because as much as I love his parents and get along with them, I feel like we’re too connected to them. I feel that he’d rather not “rock the boat” and would just feel guilty for saying anything. He just tells me he feels that once a week is reasonable and that he feels holidays are “family time.” I’ve even convinced myself that there’s no way we can ever have kids if we live in the same city as them because I’m worried it will only get worse! Is my husband too attached to his parents or am I making a big deal of nothing? — Annoyed Daughter-in-Law
I wouldn’t say that your husband is necessarily too attached to his parents or that you’re making too big a deal of it, either. Lots of people see their families at least once a week and it’s not a problem, but the issue here is that once a week, especially given the commute and perhaps the length of time you spend with them, is too much for you and he’s being insensitive to your wants and needs. After all, you are his family now, too, and he needs to respect that. It’s time for your husband to cut the apron strings and get over feeling “guilty” for choosing quality time with his wife over another weekend with his parents. He’s a grown man, for goodness’ sake. Decide together how much time you feel comfortable committing to his parents and set that boundary now — before you have kids. Maybe a Sunday night dinner twice a month is a happy compromise you both can make. Or, if you want to avoid weekends with your in-laws altogether, perhaps you can settle on a Wednesday night dinner every other week and use the excuse of work the next morning to make it an early evening.
As for holidays, it’s time the two of you start creating your own traditions as husband-and-wife and get out of the routine of spending every special occasion with your in-laws. Your husband isn’t a child anymore — it’s expected that grown adults with spouses will do their own thing for the holidays sometimes. Furthermore, where’s your family in all this? Don’t they ever get to see you on holidays? It’s not fair that it’s always about your husband’s family. So again, decide together what would be a happy compromise — maybe Thanksgiving with your in-laws and Christmas with your family, or on your own at some warm beachy locale where both of your families are far away. Let your in-laws know that this year you’ll be going away for Christmas. They’ll probably protest, but so what? Let them! Letting go is hard, but it has to be done eventually. Their expectations have been set too high for too long. As soon as your husband married you, his status and his life changed. It’s time for his parents to respect that their son’s a grown adult with a family of his own. That said, it’s probably not a bad idea to start thinking about cities a little farther away where you can raise the kids you may have one day. A nice, four-hour drive seems like a good distance — close enough for a weekend visit every other month or so, but too far for surprise visits by Grandma and Grandpa every night of the week.
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H. Blue
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
45-minutes away isn’t that bad. My ex’s parents lived 3 hours away and we were still at their place almost every weekend. There were extenuating circumstances, but it got to be too much for me. I understand her situation, and I think you’re right- boundaries need to be set now before it becomes more of an issue.
I dated a guy once who was at his parents’ almost every day of the week. That’s too much for a 28-yr old. If his mother needed milk, she’d call him (and usually he’d cut our phone call short so he could talk to her), and he’d go get milk for her and take it to her. She wasn’t ill or anything- he was just the baby of the family. I’m hoping he breaks himself of that habit sooner than later, because I’m not sure many women would put up with that.
spatula
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
Good advice, Wendy!! I feel your pain, ADIL, and I think this could come pretty close to being a deal-breaker for me. He IS being totally insensitive to your needs, you ARE his family now, and you should come first. It’s ridiculous, childish, and selfish to (even potentially) sacrifice the happiness of your marriage for the happiness of your parents, especially when it’s only because you don’t have the balls to act like a husband.
I don’t even see that he needs to have a conversation with them about it. I’d just stop going over there so often, and when they ask why (because they will) just tell them the truth, that you are spending some time together as a couple.
powplz
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
Nothing in here signals who is putting the pressure on here. For all we know, they could use a break from the weekly visits. The good news is, you can train your family to accept that you are living your life, not theirs, and that it’s ok to not spend holidays together. And I do have to agree with moving though - in my experience, it’s proven to be HIGHLY effective.
Kate2009
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
I go to my parent’s house every Sunday evening for dinner, and its about 45 minutes away. If something else important comes up I’ll miss it, but I go most weeks. I enjoy spending time with my family and the weekly dinners gives us a chance to catch up. Plus, after my mum got very sick a couple of years ago I swore I would never take her for granted again. My boyfriend sometimes comes with me, but if not it gives him a chance to eat mac and cheese and play obnoxious video games without me around to bother him. Everyone wins!
tabby
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
We go to my parent’s about every other weekend and I will go without him. My excuse is that mom let’s me use her washer and dryer for free and they are much nicer than the crappy ones at our apt. My ‘rents live an hour away and they like having us come over, even to do the laundry. My guy likes to go over there because he gets to do “man” stuff like use the high-tech riding lawnmower or the back-hoe. Spending time with the family can work out, but it depends on wants and personalities. If my guy wanted us to spend every other weekend at his parent’s, I would have to break up with him because there is no way I could handle them that often. She should feel comfortable enough with her husband to plan weekend events for them to do together without his family. Maybe if she made alternate plans, he would be more than happy to do things with her but without plans he just goes by the default of going to the ‘rents.
lea322
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
The only thing I see wrong in this situation is that she doesn’t like the current routine. There don’t seem to be any actual issues that make this seem unhealthy, other than the fact that the wife would like more couple time with her husband, which says to me that this is something that needs to be addressed by the two of them. Maybe they could have a date night during the week, or not spend the entire weekend with his family. No matter what solution they come up with, visiting with his parents doesn’t actually seem to be the issue, it’s that she just wants more time with him, which could be accomplished without cutting out visits to his family.
Joey Daytona
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
This is so fascinating.
We live in a world created by those who came before us… including dopey family traditions that no longer are relevant ot worthy of carrying on, but we do because we can’t help ourselves and we only know what we are told… sheesh!
The real symbolic act would be to book a spa vacation alone and maybe they’d get the message you are evolving your own tradition!
evelwood
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
Okay, I dont see how this situation is at all acceptable. Wendy is right in that when he married her, she became his family. It sounds like the guy is too afraid of disappointing his parents to change their old traditions. She’s not asking for much- just a change now and then. If he cant do that, he’s definitely too attached.
Theres no way I could put up with that schedule.
lea322
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
@Joey Daytona: How is spending time with your family a dopey tradition?
fallonthecity
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
This seems like a conversation they should have had before they got married. I will never ever marry someone who doesn’t get along with and enjoy spending time with my family (I’d expect to spend time with his, too!). I’m very close with them (ALL of them—grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, longtime family friends count too) and there’s no way you could drag me away from family Christmases to spend a holiday on some lonely beach somewhere (Christmas with less than 20 people does.not.compute. for me). I like the Sunday suppers and having my uncles just drop by when they’re out for a motorcycle ride and talking to my mom every day on the phone. So I get liking to spend lots of time with family. But if he’s not making time for his wife, he needs to suck it up and work something out so that she can be happy, too. Good advice, Wendy!
Midnight
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
I can relate to ADIL. My significant other and I live about an equal distance away from both of our parents and we end up spending every holiday, family gathering, and weekend with his parents. We’ve gone over for every Valentines Day and all our Anniversaries. As much as I love his parents, and I really do, weekends are the days I use to wind down after a long week. Not only that but the massive amount of time we spend with his family takes away from spending time with mine. Never mind the fact that we usually make plans to go other places (like seeing my family) and his parents will call last minute and expect us to see them or else they go through a giant rant about how we always blow them off, etc. etc.
This has come VERY close to being a deal breaker for me and my significant other. He would never respect our date plans or my family enough to go spend time with them every now and then, or at the very least talk to his parents about their crazy expectations.
Then we came up with a compromise and we’re trying very hard to stick to it no matter what his parents say. We’ve agreed to an every other weekend sort of thing. One week is for my family and the next is for his. Then we make sure that on each weekend there is one day that we save just for us. That way I get my down time, we get our time together and we see our parents.
majicksand
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
My husband’s family isn’t really an issue since most of them have passed away or live across the country. My parents live 45 minutes away. We see them for 30-60 minutes Fridays and Sundays most weekends because we are dropping off or picking up the kids. We spend most holidays with them too. Christmas is a must. I refuse to miss family Christmas. Thankfully my husband is so mellow that he’s cool with all of it. Getting rid of the kids, so we can have some time alone, is great for our marriage.
The biggest thing is that we set our boundaries and discussed our expectations from the beginning. For instance, the kids trick-or-treat in my parents neighborhood so my parents get to be part of the fun. Once that’s over at 8:00, my husband and I will be going out alone.
C.Munro
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]
Ugh. I can’t for the life of me understand anyone wanting to see their parents more than once every 2-3 years. I love mine too, but actually having to spend time with them is excruciating.
kr070707
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
Like most have said above this is only a problem because ADiL has issues with it and her husband isn’t listening. People have different tolerance levels for their in-laws and their own parents. Case in point, when I was growing up my grandparents lived less than a mile away. They came over at least three times a week around dinner time and my parents loved it. Why? Because my grandparents had already eaten and they would take care of me and my brother while my parents had a chance to sit down, eat dinner together and have a real conversation. After my parents had eaten my grandparents would take off. It was a perfect situation for everyone.
Knitter79
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 04:34 pm: [report]
@c.munro I agree with you. I see my parents maybe once a year (not together, they’re divorced). Haven’t done a holiday with family in three years (I’ll be in Hawaii this Thanksgiving!) I can only think of three times in the past decade when my entire immediate family was together in one room. We all love each other and get along great when we do see each other, but we also understand that we are all adults and have our own lives.
christinax4
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:07 pm: [report]
i would bet money that husband is
italian. she needs to stand up for herself!
og217
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 05:46 am: [report]
Maybe a more realistic solution is to actually move closer to the parents? Then its ok to pop in for an hour and leave, and perhaps shorter increments will leave more couple time?
I do agree with the writer, I could not deal. Never spnding weekends in bed, watching TV, eating take out and having sex? Whats the point of marriage, lol? Especially if you plan to have kids, you need this now. You can do family visits when you need to unload the kids, but for now, you need to build a firm couple space.
Jill
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]
I’ve got a similar problem except we don’t go SEE his family weekly but they have almost complete control over his decisions, including decisions that should be up to me and him, like where to live. Anything they say is gospel according to my boyfriend.
And what’s worse is its not his parents that do this…its his FOUR sisters who basically raised him!! FOUR is way worse than TWO.
klobbersaurus685
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
That is way too much family time. My wife and I have had many discussions about her family time.
I am ready to created my own families traditions of spending time together, but her parents come first.
This is turning into a big problem and it’s turned into me staying at home while she goes. There is no compromising with the time, it’s either we go or she goes.
i really do feel for the person seeking the advice and there isn’t an easy way around this.
Good luck
draymond
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 10:23 pm: [report]
Forty Five minutes is an awkward distance to live away. Long enough to be a real bother making the trip (an hour and a half total) but not enough of a bother to have it be an excuse. Moving closer or farther would help solve it.
Generations tend to take turns being the holiday nomads. My parents had everybody together for the holidays and now that they are gone me and my siblings feel a bit rootless.
Most of the comments and the original letter say that this needs to be resolved before having kids, but in all honesty having kids is one of the things that may reverse who are the nomads. In other words: ‘It is just so much trouble packing up junior and all his stuff but it would be so wonderfull if you could come here and babysit’.
Perhaps the most clever way of approaching this problem would be to approach his parents and say “We love visiting, but I am thinking that we should grow up and occasionally be the host rather than always the guest. I might even want to try doing Thanksgiving next year!” The parents would most likely be thrilled to hear the words ‘grow up’ used in reference to their son.