Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend’s Getting Fat”
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Wednesday November 4th 2009
I’ll start off by saying that I am madly in love with my boyfriend. He is supportive, intelligent, has a great sense of humor ... this list goes on and on. There is only one issue that has become increasingly difficult to deal with: he is rapidly gaining weight. It isn’t an uncontrollable amount — I’d say he’s become 40 pounds overweight at this point — I’m just afraid that I’m slowly becoming less and less attracted to him because of the weight issue. He has sparingly expressed interest in working out and losing weight, so it’s not as if he doesn’t notice or care. I have dropped “hints” by discussing interest in my own health (I eat healthy and maintain a healthy weight), but I have said nothing direct to him about it because I realize it’s a very touchy subject. It seems so socially wrong to bring up weight as an “issue”, especially when everything else is so great. We live together and I feel a proposal coming soon. There is no way that I would break up with him at this point simply because of his weight, I just feel like I should nip this thing sooner rather than later to save the attraction. Is there any appropriate way to broach the subject? Or, more importantly, am I in the wrong? — Fortunately Unfortunate
First of all, you are not wrong for feeling less attracted to your boyfriend because of his recent — and rapid — weight gain. What would be wrong is focusing solely on the attraction part of the equation rather than his health and pinpointing the reason for the weight gain. It’s unclear from your letter whether all his extra 40 pounds are a recent addition, or if he was already a bit overweight before he starting rapidly gaining. If it’s the former, there could be serious medical reasons for such a fast and big increase. Encourage your boyfriend to see a doctor for a check-up and make sure he has blood work done to test his thyroid. Has your boyfriend changed or gone on any new medications recently? Steroids of any kind, antidepressants, and meds that treat diabetes and high blood pressure are the most common types of medication that can cause weight gain in men. If he’s on any of those, he may need to speak with his doctor about changing his dosage or trying a different brand.
If you can rule out meds and physical health issues, talk to your boyfriend about his mental well-being. Has he had any major stressors in his life lately? Loss of employment or increased work responsibilities, family problems, and illness or death of a loved one can all trigger stress and/or depression that can lead to overeating. You mention you feel a proposal coming on. Is there any chance your boyfriend is feeling financial or emotional pressure to provide for you — even purchasing an engagement ring can cause financial strain — that might be causing him some stress? Talk to him about all these issues and let him know you love him and are there to help and support him in any way you can.
Finally, think about ways you can make eating well and getting exercise part of your relationship — something fun the two of you can enjoy together. Take a healthy cooking class together; hit farmers’ markets on the weekends and stock up on fresh produce to eat during the week. If you don’t already belong to a gym, consider joining one together and go for workouts as a way to unwind in the evenings instead of sitting on the couch in front of the TV. If the gym isn’t your bag, go for walks or bike rides while the weather’s still warm enough, suggest training for a 5K together — do it for a charity you both care about! — take a fitness class like kickboxing, rock climbing, yoga, or ballroom dance (you may especially want to do this if/when you start planning a wedding!). Live near a tennis or basketball court? Invest in some racket and balls and get competitive with each other. Competition is sexy!
There are so many activities you can do as a couple that encourage healthy living and a healthy, happy relationship. The key is to do them together and to make sure your boyfriend knows you love him how he is but want him to be healthy so you can enjoy a long life together. If you do indeed become engaged, you can always use an upcoming wedding as another excuse to get fit together. You’ll both want to look good on the big day and in the photos, after all. As he starts getting in shape, give your boyfriend lots of positive affirmation so he knows you appreciate his effort not only in terms of his health, but in your attraction to him as well. If, on the other hand, your boyfriend ignores your call to get in shape and resists all your attempts to pursue a healthy lifestyle, think seriously about spending the rest of your life with him before you agree to marriage. Attraction is a huge component of a happy relationship and you aren’t wrong for wanting a mate who turns you on.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Perceptible
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
That’s a toughy. Good advice but kind of passive. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to address it, but I can’t think of how to do it. If it bothers him, he’s already aware and it doesn’t need to be mentioned. He’ll do something about it when he’s ready. If it doesn’t bother him, maybe she does need to “spark his interest” so that he doesn’t become unhealthy and can they can maintain an attraction.
FloraPoste
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
This is great advice. I once gained 50 pounds over the course of a relationship and it turned out it was because of a disease I didn’t know I had. Once I got the disease under control, I dropped the weight (not without diet and exercise of course). It took 5 doctors to diagnose the disease though. My partner was really supportive, but he kept going, “Come on, let’s go exercise!” However, until I got treatment for the disease, I didn’t have the energy to exercise, which was frustrating for my partner. Be understanding. Your partner may have an underlying condition that is causing him to pack on the pounds.
camille905
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
I thought the advice was right-on. Men are sometimes more hesitant to get things checked out and knowing that his woman is worried about him may be the kick start he needs. You can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do so this advice is perfect.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:26 am: [report]
tell him you want to join a gym, but wouldnt comfortable unless he joined too to “show you how to workout.” ego boost. all guys who have ever worked out think they can be personal trainers.
draymond
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
Good and often overlooked advice to check for medical causes. A lot of guys start gaining weight once out of college. They go from a relatively active life day moving between classes etc. to a sedentary day behind a desk and don’t change their eating habits.
You mention a healthy cooking class but in all honesty ANY self-prepared food is likely more healthy than its packaged or restaurant counterpart.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
I think she is a bit shallow but then if the weight gain is rapid he should get it checked out. If she feels a proposal coming on he may just be stress eating and we as women dont hold the exclusive right to that one. Consider this:
What would you think of that letter?
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
i would think that guy needs to get his gf on a treadmill one way or the other, or hes gonna be stuck with a hog for the rest of his life. i feel the same way about the girl who wrote the original. physical attraction may not be the #1 factor in a relationship, but it matters.
bumbler
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
He should go to the doctor and have tests run just to rule out any disease that could cause the weight gain, spot on Wendy. As far as the weight gain and attraction I really can’t comment. My attraction is based on emotional connection and compatibility so if my husband gained weight or was disfigured in some way it would not affect my sexual attraction to him. It’s just how I’m wired, never had a crush on someone based on physical appearance, even Brad Pitt does nothing for me. Not that I’m better in anyway just wired differently so questions like this are hard for me to understand and relate to.
lea322
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
@equnsuocha: I think some people on this website would be up in arms over a letter like that! Great perspective.
spatula
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
@equn: I don’t see how the gender changes it one bit. I assume you are trying to imply that the advice and comments would be different if the letter were written the way you doctored it to appear (as in, about a woman and not a man), but I disagree.
equnsuocha
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
I dont think the advice would be different actually, but I think the comments would be wild. You may be one who wouldn’t change your view but based on all the body rage contained on these pages over women and their bodies, I think this letter would have been received differently if the role was reveresed.
Also I apparently woke up with my “Devil’s Little Helper” Badge embedded in my skin so bear with me today….
majicksand
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
Damn, Wendy. I asked for something controversial, and this could have been, but you covered all the bases so well there’s really nothing left. Good job!
Oddly, my husband and I have the opposite situation. He has a naturally super-high metabolism, so he can sit around without gaining an ounce. I, on the other hand, have put on a few pounds after having two kids and hitting my 30s. We own a business, so I’m chained to a desk 6 days a week without much physical activity. Still, I’m probably healthier.
I want to get more active, so I can lose the weight. I want him to get more active because high blood pressure runs in his family. I just told him that I need him to help motivate me so that I can get back in shape and look like I used to. He won’t do it for himself, but he will do it for me. Now I just have to decide what we can do that we will both enjoy that fits our schedule.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
My ex gained a LOT of weight after giving birth to our daughter. I gained some sympathy weight too, but her weight gain was to the point where she was physically unattractive to me at all. So, I hit the gym and dropped 30 lbs, put on a six pack, changed my wardrobe, etc. I started getting hit on all the time and of course she saw it all. Boy, did that motivate the heck out of her. She’s HOT now..and I love it!
(she’s an ex, but we’re still together)
cooldad
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
I agree with the advice. If you’re close enough to a person to consider getting married, I don’t think it should be a problem to bring this up. Plus if you’re considering having kids, it’s much tougher if you’re overweight. You want to be able to play with them, teach them sports and set a good example.
Laurel
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 02:50 pm: [report]
Good advice, Wendy. When it comes down to it, if your partner is doing something that makes them unattractive to you, you’re got to tell them, even if it’s awkward.
twinkles
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
I don’t think the writer of this letter sounds shallow at all. Living a healthy lifestyle and taking care of yourself is very important; I sure wouldn’t want to marry someone who didn’t care about their health.
fluffysue
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]
Shallow, shallow, shallow. But then, that’s the world we’re living in now, isn’t it? It’s incredibly sad.
fluffysue
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]
equnsuocha: A man wouldn’t have written that letter….a man would’ve just dumped her and been done with it.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 05:05 pm: [report]
fluffysue - if my gf who i live with and love gained 40 lbs of fat, id be working with her to lose it out of concern for her health, and for the sake of our mutual attraction.
develange
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
Dan Savage just did a podcast with this same question. He did mention the double standard, i.e. that women would freak out if a guy wrote in about his gf’s weight.
Sure, but women’s body image have been WAY MORE picked apart than men’s. That’s why women might freak out about it.
Thankfully, Frisky readers have shown us that men and women can be equally shallow AND loving. So moving on.
I’ve never dated a man who has gained that much weight, so I can’t say how’d I’d feel in the situation. My boyfriend has developed a noticeable gut since meeting, but I still want to madly bone him. Perhaps it’s because the rest of him is still bangin,’ personality included. I wouldn’t love him any less if he got fat, but I can’t say I’d want to bone him as madly.
I do not think this reader is that shallow—sexual attraction is based off of so many things, and for some people, it’s very aesthetic. So what? Loving someone and sexual attraction don’t always go hand in hand. She still loves him, for Christ’s sake, and is concerned about him. That’s why she’s writing to Wendy!
twinkles
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:06 pm: [report]
Taking care of your health and wanting your partner to do the same is not shallow, whether you are male or female.
fallonthecity
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 08:51 pm: [report]
Wendy, this is really excellent advice. So many other people would have forgotten the medical part, and it is so important. Rarely do people change their eating/exercise habits drastically enough that they gain 40 lbs all at once.
Red_Lady
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:08 pm: [report]
I don’t find this girl shallow at all. There’s too many overweight people out there as it is- good for her for trying to prevent one more!
og217
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:43 am: [report]
40 pounds is a huge weight gain and a massive change in appearance. I don’t see how its possible to not change one’s reaction, since its a completely differen’t person now. Its obviously not a pleasant conversation to have, but I think an actual conversation needs to take place, not just “hon, wanna go for a walk, wanna eat an apple?” Put it out there, say the words. Maybe he’s in denial - women don’t care about the physical, women don’t even see the physical, etc.
Oreo
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
Yet another double standard rears its ugly head.
Reverse the genders and the discussion suddenly changes to how we should love each other for who we are inside.
Remember the last line of Wendy’s answer next time your husband or boyfriend asks you to shave a landing strip or wear something sexy.
DancerNinja
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
I dated a guy who put on weight, and really it didn’t bother me until (1) He started complaining about it a lot but not doing anything about it and (2) started criticizing the healthy and very active lifestyle I led. I’m betting these things happen often in relationships where one person gains weight. They realize, feel guilty, but would rather the partner join them in laziness than actually do something about it.
wonderfultonight
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
I think the possible medical problem is #1 to address. This is a lot of weight to gain. A complete physical including blood work, as mentioned, should be done BRFORE any trips to the gym - the workouts may be too strenuous unless ok’d by a doctor.
Then a proper fitness schedule and routine can be put together by a good trainer.
og217
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 07:10 am: [report]
Really, the medical “get out of jail free card” is overplayed. 99% of people who are fat don’t have a medical problem, they have an “I like watching TV while scarfing nachos” problem and a belief that a person NEEDS to snack all day long, like a grazing buffalo. I live in Scandinavia now and there are ZERO fat people here. Odd, that this desease only hits Americans?
This guy just got fat because he has a girlfriend, its chilly out, and playing x-box while drinking beer is a good time. And that is really not ok.
Lexington
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]
@Oreo- I don’t think it’s offensive at all for this girl to be worried about her boyfriend’s weight gain- I try very hard to maintain my weight (as do most girls), for the very reason that I want to feel attractive. On the occasions when I do have a significant other, not only do I strive to look my best at all times, partly for his sake, but I would expect that he try to stay attractive for my sake. I do think that aestheticism plays a huge role in relationships, and it’s not unreasonable for the other person to expect their SO, no matter their gender, to stay attractive to them for the health of the relationship.
Also, when I date someone, if I know they like something I wear, how I do my hair, et cetera, or if they make a special request, e.g. dye my hair red, I’ll make an effort to continue on that path, as long as the request is appropriate. I’m not one of those people who is only attracted to the inside- there has to be physical chemistry on the line for me as well, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for either gender to expect that.
I say all this as a girl.
develange
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
Agh, Frisky, stop refreshing the page!!
@ og 217 - I agree. And it’s not that unusual for someone to gain 40 pounds in a relatively short period. If you sit around eating lots of bad food and drinking alcohol (the drinking especially does it!), the 40 pounds will come. Some people gain weight more easily than others, and some people show it more than others. Sounds like this guy is showing it.
Perhaps he’s not taking care of himself because he’s depressed. A trip to the doctor will never hurt, not only to check for depression or some other medical issue, but to get some counseling on diet and exercise.
After my 21st bday, there was eating bar food and drinking booze 4x a week. I gained 10 pounds in less than a month. If you’re thin, that’s a lot. So if I kept going at that rate, perhaps I would have gained 40 in less that four months.
Depends on the person, yes, but, it’s easy to get fat when you are feeling unmotivated and there’s lots of fried food and beer around.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
if my gf ever gets fat im coming to you guys for tactful ways to bring it up…
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
I’m so fat that I have to buy an extra ticket when I fly on planes. I can totally understand why this woman isn’t digging her boyfriend’s weight gain and wants to tactfully tell him so.
It isn’t nice when one has to wash one’s self with a rag on the end of a stick. I wish my ex would have told me before I “ate all the pies.”
I now have to wear a giant piece of fabric - shaped like a tent - with a hole cut out of the middle for my head. I tie a rope around the middle to hold it all together.
I’m told there’s a “chubby chaser” night at the local tavern - I may get lucky….....
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
Oh, and I forgot - my body is shaped like the earth. Spherical, if you will.
Oreo
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 04:02 pm: [report]
Eh… If my physical appearance ranks anywhere on a significant others’ list of whether or not they want to continue in a relationship with me, I’d blame myself for dating such a shallow person in the first place and tell them not to let the door hit them on the way out.
og217
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:42 am: [report]
@oreo: If your physical appearance ranks anywhere on a list of whether to date you, you’d break up with them? Do you only date blind people? The only people who spew this sort of nonsense are extremely unattractive ones who date other extremely unattractive people and then sit around congratulating themselves for being soooo deep. When they aren’t busy watching porn and fantasizing about people who look like THAT, of course.
Oreo
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 05:29 am: [report]
No, og217, I’m pretty average looking, but I have a few pesky social diseases: integrity, loyalty, and the ability to love someone other than myself (rather than to just SAY the word “love” without the willingness to fulfill what it means).
Naturally, physical appearance plays a role in getting together in the first place. It’s biological attraction. If it has ANY role in staying in a serious relationship, you’re not worth my time. I wouldn’t even want to call a person like that a friend.
OG217, I’m sure you’re absolutely in support of the men in their 40’s and 50’s who leave their aging wives for a 21 year old on the grounds that she looks sexy in a bikini, huh?
Some people need to grow up and understand that life isn’t 90210. This is one of the reasons that divorce has skyrocketed in this country. We used to love our husbands and our wives. Now, we love only ourselves, but we pretend to love others…so long as they continue to impress us in some way. Imagine if we treated our children like that.
Shallow people are like pennies; we accept the fact that you’ll find them just about everywhere, but they’re not really worth very much of your time. In fact, they’re as close to worthless as you can get while still retaining some minuscule value.
brandyalexander
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
Wow, Oreo. I don’t think og217 was claiming that appearances should be the only thing that matters. Its not fair to say that any person who cares what their partner looks like is bound to trade them in for a younger, hotter model.
To try to be as attractive as possible, however you define it, shows respect and love for your partner, male or female. I work out daily, take care of my hair and skin, smell good, and put thought into my clothing choices. Its the level of time and thought that goes into it, and any discrepancy between partners, that makes those efforts seem unbalanced or shallow. For example, if it manifests in extreme forms, like extensive plastic surgery or anorexia. But for many people, their partners need to do little more than brush their teeth now and then. To each their own. Even you must have some standards which you would be upset to find violated by your partner. Perhaps if they stopped wearing deodorant you might write a letter to Wendy as well?
Simply caring about appearances doesn’t make you shallow. Its solely caring about appearances, while ignoring other traits like loyalty, compassion, and intelligence, that makes a person shallow.
smh
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
She sounds a tad shallow - however that maybe her writing skills or lack of same. If the weight gain is sudden a medical check maybe in order just to ensure he is in good health. A conversation to see if something else is going on that may be causing the drastic change.
Then as has been suggested - start planning activities that include physical activity presuming there are no underlying health issues that would prevent it. The goal be not so much to lose weight as to spending time together and feeling better. In a climate of acceptance - sharing and support both parties can be their best.
Susie
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 05:59 pm: [report]
Wendy didn’t answer this girl’s question. What is she supposed to do if she’s becoming less attracted to her otherwise-great partner? She’s not shallow, she’s realistic.
Shiny Objects
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]
Has nobody heard of the “love-fat” phenomenon? You get into a relationship and get comfortable. my bf has gained 60 lbs in a year. He likes mexican food, beer, and (watching) sports. I’ve gained 15 lbs myself. He likes my improved cup size and I like that he keeps my feet warm.