Dear Wendy: Is It Still Cheating If It’s With An Ex?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Thursday October 22nd 2009
After being in an 11-year relationship with someone I met when we were 18, a mix of drugs and bad attitudes finally came to a head this past January and we ended things. About four months ago I met a really great guy. He is successful and stable — pretty much everything my ex wasn’t. We have a great time together and spend almost every minute we aren’t working together. Unfortunately, there isn’t that “chemistry” I had with my ex. And my ex has suddenly decided to barge back into my life. After our last phone conversation, well I wouldn’t really call it a conversation, more like him cursing me out for emotionally abandoning him and moving on with my life (gotta love the drug addict), he’s now saying he’s now completely reformed and wants to give me everything he wasn’t able to before when he was so screwed up. Like an idiot I continue to answer his phone calls and have even seen him on two different occasions. My question is, is it still considered cheating if it is with your ex who you were with for 11 years? I am not emotionally attached to my ex anymore but that chemistry or “fire” that has always been there attracts me and causes me to do things I normally would never do in my right mind. I have told him (my ex) how horrible I feel about what I have done to my new guy but he assures me that it is okay because to him, these are “special circumstances”. Do you agree with that? Or is cheating, cheating regardless? — Dazed and Confused
Oh, come on, Dazed and Confused, you know perfectly well that cheating is cheating, even if it is with someone you were with for 11 years. You’re so racked with guilt — and rightfully so — that you can’t even bring yourself to articulate what it is you’re doing with that no-good ex of yours. You think the “fire” you feel with your ex puts you under some spell in which you aren’t responsible for the “things you wouldn’t normally do in your right mind”? Oh, quit fooling yourself — what you’re doing is cheating, plain and simple. Furthermore, it doesn’t matter if I agree with your ex’s manipulative ploy that your relationship somehow constitutes “special circumstances” in which the cheating is OK; it matters if your current boyfriend does. That’s right; the only thing that makes cheating not really cheating is if the partner you’re committed to is OK with you sleeping with someone else. And then it’s not called “cheating,” it’s called an “open relationship.” I’m going to make a wild guess that you and your boyfriend do not have an open relationship.
What concerns me the most, though, is this idea that you aren’t in your “right mind” when you’re with your ex. Clearly, the dysfunctional relationship you shared with him through most of your formative years is one you don’t have emotional distance from. We know drugs were part of the relationship; we know he’s manipulative. I’m wondering if there’s even history of abuse of some kind. It should go without saying that you’re in no place for a relationship of any kind right now, but more importantly, if you’re to have any hope for a happy and successful relationship in the future, I urge you to not only cut off all communication with your ex, but to seek professional counseling. Your ex is a manipulative drug addict who doesn’t care about your happiness. What you do together isn’t love and it isn’t chemistry. It’s destructive behavior that’s detrimental to your emotional — and possibly physical — well-being. Please get professional help so that your “right mind” is something no man can ever shake again.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
Spot on, Wendy. Spot on.
SouthOC
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
In my opinion, cheating is cheating. The special circumstances regarding chemistry with the ex is understandable, but not acceptable. How would she feel if the new guy was still doin’ it with his ex? Move on.
tigerstripe
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
“Special circumstances?” That’s what guys say when they just need to convince you to keep banging them.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
did she really expect to get the green light to pork her ex behind her new guys back? she deserves whatever poop karma drops on her head…
hlnbabe
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
dazed and confused’s question should not have made it into the relationship advice column. anyone with half a brain already knows the answer.
CuteinOhio
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
Yeah, this seems like a no-brainer. I think that whenever you come out of a long relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, it’s hard to get over the fact that you don’t have the same intimacy with your new guy at first (and this is simply because you can’t compare your comfort level in a relationship that’s 4 months old to one of 11 years).
Pookie
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
Great advice Wendy!
Scythe
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
It doesn’t make a difference if its someone from your past or someone new if you are currently seeing someone and you sleep with someone else…its cheating!
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
Wow. Awesome job on this one Wendy!
venusian
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]
ive been in a similar situation and you just end up ruining both relationships… this new guy deserves a real chance and if you’re sleeping with you ex—or anyone else—you’re not going to be committed to a new intimate relationship with this guy. in other words, you’re not giving the new guy a chance to make some chemistry with you. figure out who you’ll be happier with in the long run and stick with it.
having said this… it’s easier said then done but GL
spatula
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
I call #&@$%. You’re not emotionally attached to him? Then there would be no problem.
I’m actually in a nearly identical situation; a few months ago I ended things with my ex(also a drug addict) of 7 years. It is hard to get out of. It’s more than difficult to feel as though you are abandoning someone, especially when they manipulate your feelings and the history you have (which is exactly what your ex is doing) by telling you that you are abandoning them. But you’re not. It’s not wrong to put yourself first, and that’s hard for some people to grasp. I know I had a hell of a time with it.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest. I realize the difficult place you are in, and you really shouldnt have involved another person. It’s too soon, obviously. As for the cheating thing, you already know the answer.
qnzmami718
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
right on point wendy!
and totally agree with CuteinOhio!
bogart4017
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
Please. “Fire” doesnt justify a damn thing. You’re in over your head and you don’t know how to tell your drug-addicted ex to go kick rocks. Why don’t you be the mature one for a change and break the lines of communication for good? While you’re at it tell your new friend to run screaming in the other direction also. You arent ready to give him the kind of love he deserves.
SueSue
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
Awesome advice Wendy - extra points for not sugarcoating it!
bumbler
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
The twisted justifications people come up with never cease to amaze me. “I can’t help myself”? Grow a freaking spine and woman up.
spatula
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
@bogart: your post was super insensitive and not at all helpful. How do you know she isn’t mature? I have it on personal experience that in an 11 year relationship with a drug addict, she very more than likely WAS the mature one. If you have no pertinent advice to offer, fine, but there’s no need to insult people.
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
@spatula: I completely understand why she (and you) would have a difficult time distancing yourself from someone with whom you’ve had a co-dependent relationship and for whom you feel a sense of responsibility.
I strongly suspect that “Dazed and Confused” started dating the new guy because he’s the antithesis of the old guy and is “safe” and “proper”, but that there’s no real chemistry there and the relationship will eventually end. And I hope she manages not to succumb to her feelings of guilt and desire for what she’s known for over a decade and thus manages to stay away from the ex.
But her question was whether or not it was cheating, and of course it is, as everyone agrees.
SunflowerEyes
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
What a ridiculous question. Of course it’s cheating - the fact that she’s cheating with someone she knows it didn’t work out with after 11 years is even more pathetic…
Secret Story Time
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
He cheated on you by being a drug user, addict. All is fair now, if you want my opinion. It’s always fun to do it with an old lover, see if they are better now, or if you are.
Secretia
bethlynn00
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:22 pm: [report]
Yes it’s cheating, she knows that. Maybe the “fire” she is looking for isn’t there in her new relationship because she is blocking it by thinking they could never have the chemistry she had with her ex. It’s all very self-deprecating. I’ve been there after dating some guy who was a complete jerk and bogged down in problems, then when I got with a guy who wasn’t, they were “boring” and there was no chemistry, but it was because I didn’t want their be. It’s all about how much respect she has for herself and she needs to work on her, because she is completely disregarding the feelings of this new guy and it’s going to backfire, when the new guy and ex, both move on and she’s left to think about about what happened and trust that is not a good place to be.
Rokkor
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
I think it’s amazing like questions like this get asked. You’d think that, halfway through, the writer would have realized that, not only is the issue fairly black and white, but you really don’t need to hear the response to know what the answer is going to be.
And, to me, “special circumstances” only entails accidentally falling onto a penis while not wearing underwear. Sleeping with an ex isn’t a “special circumstance”, it’s a fairly typical one, and it’s cheating plain and simple.
revivedlady
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:34 pm: [report]
Yup its cheating and really unfair to the guy you are with.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:21 pm: [report]
LOL I totally asked myself this same question when I saw the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
tttongue_tied
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:22 pm: [report]
advice: STOP CHEATING ON YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH THIS LOSER.
okay, now that that’s said, you’re really frolicking around with a guy who did drugs and is playing you by saying he’s truly reformed and who sucked up 11 years of your life by being a worthless dirtbag, instead of being true and reasonable with your now, NON-drug addicted boyfriend?
Cheating. Is. Cheating. Please don’t be That Girl.
vaiaster
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:03 pm: [report]
Wendy, agreed.
Oreo
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:21 pm: [report]
Wow. I can’t believe that anyone would ask such a question. This gives Bill Clinton a run for his money in the sexual logic department.
My definition of cheating is very simple: If you’re engaged in a physical act with another human being that you would not have done if your significant other were watching, you are cheating. I believe that there are various levels to cheating up to and including sex.
Even if you don’t agree with that, what you are doing is cheating by even the most liberal of definitions. Having a history with someone is not a lifetime free pass for guilt free sex when you’re in a relationship with someone else, but I’m sure that you already know that.
I suspect that you’ve asked this question so that others may confirm what you already know, but are afraid to face. You can’t change the past, but you can definitely control what happens from this point forward. Put away the chemistry set that has gotten you nowhere for the past 11 years and move on with your life. You owe him nothing.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:24 am: [report]
Seriously? This isn’t a Relationship article—this is one for Psychology Today or Co-Dependents Illustrated.
@Oreo
I would take it a step further. If she has these phone conversations with her ex wherein she seriously discusses whether or not she will leave her current boyfriend—yes, even that is cheating. I assume she hasn’t told her current boyfriend about the topics covered in these phone calls, or about the couple of times they’ve met recently. If she’s keeping secrets from her boyfriend—yes, that is cheating.
It sounds like she’s already made her decision, but she wants to know what people will think about her. She wants permission to have great sex with the Bad Boy, and then, since it’s not
“cheating,” she can still be considered a Nice Girl. It sounds like what she wants most of all is to not be labeled a
“Cheater.” If that’s her big worry, the solution is simple: Dump the current boyfriend (who it seems she doesn’t care too much about), and get back together with the former drug addict (who she has this great chemistry with). (Chemistry with a drug addict? Interesting…) I think everyone will be better off: she and the drug addict will have their great chemistry together, and the Nice Guy will (eventually) realize he dodged a bullet.
It seems that while the old boyfriend may be drug-free, he still exhibits some of the bahaviors of a drug addict.
og217
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:31 am: [report]
Yeah, I don’t see myself “understanding special circumstances” if my husband went and screwed his ex, so….
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:32 am: [report]
Oh, I guess I should also address the main question of the letter…
Yes, it is still cheating if it is with an ex. Ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, whatever. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, there really aren’t any semantic word games that make it ok to have sexual relations (or sexually emotional intimacy) outside of that monogamous relationship and still be considered to be in a monogamous relationship. There aren’t any loop holes or gray areas here.
SouthOC
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
“special circumstances” in this case is the unhealthy emotional attachment to the ex. Although it happens often, it’s not a good thing.
If you re-read what I actually said, I’m in no way saying its a good thing.
*scratching my head, wondering how this was misinterpreted*
theattack
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
Being in a similar (but kind of opposite, and not physical) situation myself, I think Dazed and Confused knows it’s cheating. I personally think that maybe she just needed feedback on the situation and didn’t know how to ask for something so general, or didn’t know exactly what she wanted an answer to.
What intrigues me about this situation is not the cheating or the co-dependence, but the fact that she just ended that relationship in January! That’s definitely not long enough to emotionally detach yourself from an 11 year relationship, whether there are dependence issues or not. Dazed and Confused, if you really want to get to the bottom of your feelings and who you think you should be, I really think you need more time to clear your emotional slate of your ex. Put some time between you and him. Get back to the friend level (or as close to it as you can - you may never get completely back there if he’s really the one for you), and once you’re there, you can re-evaluate from scratch the way you feel about him. Right now you’re running off of leftover fuel from your old relationship, and it’s going to burn out soon.
Meanwhile, maybe you should be honest and tell your boyfriend that you’ve had some feelings of doubt and that you’re working on it. Or decide whether or not you should continue that relationship.
But whatever you do, do not go back to your ex after such a short period of time! You are not starting over yet - only continuing the same thing you did for 11 years. Just wait and see.
Perceptible
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
If you have to ask if it’s cheating, then, yes, it’s cheating.
draymond
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 05:58 pm: [report]
The answer to this is so painfully obvious it makes me wonder who is the one that was on drugs.
majicksand
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
As long-winded as I normally am, I only need one word to answer this one: Duh?
wonderfultonight
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 12:43 am: [report]
Draymond - you are so right; the “chemistry” between these two was more than likely “chemically induced,” even though she doesn’t say that. It is hard to be with a drug addict for 11 years and not be doing it yourself, at least part of the time.
And if she’s still wondering if it’s cheating, imagine what her new guy will say if he finds out? She’ll know THEN!
I hope she drops them both and gets some help to strighten HERSELF out before she gets into another relationship.
Tart and Soul
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 07:54 am: [report]
Cheating with an ex is even worse, ask me. If there’s anyone your new partner feels threatened by it’s an ex, so to go back to him/her is a nice slap in the face. This letter writer obviously has unfinished business both with her ex and with herself (meaning, figuring out what’s going on inside that makes her want this guy and his addictions so bad).
The chemistry between the two of you isn’t the problem. It’s the chemicals.
Saxify by Canoodle
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 02:42 am: [report]
I have two key rules dealing with cheating:
1) Am I comfortable with telling my boyfriend about this situation?
2) Would I want it done to me
It does not sound like you deserve this new man in your life Dazed and Confused. It almost sounds as if you and your ex deserve each other.
almost
LAGirl
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
Sounds like a familiar situation I am (was ) in. I had the same question . Is it still cheating. GREAT advice wendy… I need to leave his A$$ alone.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]
cheating is cheating. Also, in my opinion, once a cheater always a cheater.