Dear Wendy: “I Want More From My F**k Buddy”

Posted by: Wendy Atterberry Filed in: relationships
1:00PM, Monday November 2nd 2009

Comments (46)

When I first met my good buddy, Zac, three years ago, I had a huge crush on him, but he let me know he didn’t feel the same and the feeling eventually went away. We’ve been on good terms since then, and recently we decided to become f**k buddies. Things have been going alright, and we really haven’t been experiencing any of the usual problems associated with the friends with benefits situation. The thing is, I sometimes want a more intimate relationship. I get the urge to just hug him or kiss him or the want to be held by him, and I look forward to the times we get to be alone together, even if we’re just watching tv and doing homework (we’re roommates too—easy booty call). I’ve started having daydreams about him, and I know it’s a bad move but I feel myself slipping back into the old crush habit.
He’s always given very mixed signals to me, one of the things that led to problems between us earlier in our friendship when I wanted things to move in a more steady direction with him but he turned me down. Our level of sexual chemistry is extremely high, and we’re so close on a friendship level that I feel like I almost want more. Am I being naive in thinking and hoping that a sex buddy could turn into something more? I don’t know whether to bring it up and risk ruining what we already share, let it go and keep heading down this path, or cutting it off before I get my heart broken. — More Than A Buddy

Aw, the old f**k buddy conundrum. She wants more, he doesn’t, and she’s convinced herself she’s getting mixed signals from him and maybe he’s simply confused about what he wants (also known as: “the usual problems associated with the f**k buddy situation”). Look, there are no “mixed signals” or “almosts” or “slipping back into old crush habits” in this situation. You very clearly want to be Zac’s girlfriend, you’ve always wanted to be Zac’s girlfriend, and he very clearly does not want to be your boyfriend. How is he sending you mixed signals? When a man says he doesn’t want a real relationship with you, believe him. When a man says he only wants sex and friendship from you and not all the hassle of a committed, monogamous relationship, believe him! He’s not confused, he isn’t in denial, and he’s not just sitting around hoping you make the first move because he’s too shy to.

Because you’ve exhibited questionable judgment in the past by moving in with a guy you had a crush on who made it clear the feeling wasn’t mutual, I’m going to spell this out for you as clearly as I know how: Zac is using you for sex because you’re there and you’re easy. He can’t be bothered to find someone who isn’t a roomie to bump nasties with because he’s lazy or unlucky or both, and since you’re more than willing, you fill the need. Sex does not equal love. Sex and friendship doesn’t even equal love. Love is about mutual respect — respect for another person’s time, space, and feelings. Not only does Zac seem to have a lack of respect for you, YOU have a lack of respect for you. You’ve given this guy permission to use you. You’ve given him as much as he wants from you without getting back as much as you want from him. You’re committing a crime on your own emotional well-being by continuing a sexual relationship with Zac.

It’s time that you be honest with yourself and with him. This cannot end well if it continues on the same path. Let Zac know that you still have feelings for him and if he isn’t in a place to return them and to start a real relationship with you, you need to stop sleeping with him. Then start looking for your new apartment with a roommate who doesn’t make you weak in the knees.

*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.

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Tags: love advice, dear wendy, friends with benefits

Comments (46)

comments

Perceptible
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]

Yep. Wendy, you’re spot on! She deserves to be with someone who can return her feelings, as well as provide satisfaction in the bedroom. (And usually, when your feelings are mutual, time in the bedroom is automatically satisfying.) Move out and move on!

maystar
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]

Oh my gosh , ur advice was awesome made me cry ...i needed to hear that !!! iam going through a similar situation and u hit the spot !!! thank u , u have opened my eyes!!

bethlynn00
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]

Yep, this girl has herself all confused. No one else sees any mixed signals with this situation, it’s all very clear, she thought by giving it up, she could make him her man, but like the old saying goes, why by the cow when you can get the milk for free. Time to wake up girlie and either just enjoy the sex and look for a relationship or end things all together and move on, and find solace in the fact that the Zac-ster doesn’t even sound like decent bf material anyways.

hannahsguy
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]

Perfect advice! by the way…where can I find a f*** buddy? oh wait! Craigslist!

EastCoastMale
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]

I agree that if it is obvious that the feelings of wanting something more are one-sided then you should either stick with it and expect what you get or drop him like a bad habit and be open to someone who wants some of the same things you do. The part that I don’t agree with is that every situation is different and I am sure that there are some couples out there who had a hot FB setup before and the chemistry in that way might have drawn them in closer to one another so they could explore the other person in non sexual ways.

skywalk
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]

Right on Wendy!!

SouthOC
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]

Great advice Wendy. Additionally, if and when he gets a girlfriend, it’s going to get really ugly. She’ll either become the scorned ex f**k buddy (and have to try to deal with seeing him with someone that he chose over her), or he’ll be a cheater. Not good.

C.Munro
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]

Shame on Zac for casually sleeping with someone whom he knows has deeper feelings for him. That just seems like a scummy move.

Wendy’s advice is solid. But I can identify with the letter-writer. A comfy friendship combined with hot sexual chemistry sounds like it should lead to more. But crushes on friends are almost always graced with unhappy endings.

In fact, crushes in general are bad news, as they are little more than loops of irrational desire, often based on a person’s most superficial attributes, which we allow ourselves to screen incessantly in the theatre of our minds. IMO, people need to teach their hearts some discipline while they’re on the road to self-respect.

Humble Bee
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]

I wish I had a FB. I don’t want a relationship, I don’t want distractions, No texts, phone calls, problem stories, i just want to meet you at your place, get it on, and see ya.
I have this unknowing attraction to sensitive guys, I have told them, let’s just be friends “wink wink” and they don’t effing get it. They don’t want to settle for that. They want me to be their gf. So i’ve just been single for a while now, and am horny as fu*ck. lmao.

Bertram
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]

From the time you declare someone a f**k buddy the clock is running until it ends badly.

MadMax
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]

OMG!!
Humble Bee; should we trade stories?!?!?! I’m on the same boat. Even though I kind of have a FB (if twice in 6 months counts). He has said a few times that he could see us as a couple; which is what I don’t want (should I send Wendy’s advice to him?).
Anyway, I want a more regular FB but I am so not going to Craigslist for it.
I wonder if I’m doomed.

dippythong
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]

I was in this exact same situation. Best friend, great chemistry, and I always wanted more. Problem is, when I finally got what I wanted (we decided to “try” dating) I fell hard, and he just wasn’t that into it. Now the friendship is pretty much over and I’ve got nothing to show for it. Listen to Wendy, More Than a Buddy.

tigerstripe
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]

She’s in for a rude awakening… Hopefully she takes the advice seriously.

Annabel Lee
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:33 pm: [report]

Ladies, ladies, ladies. The cardinal rule of the f**k buddy relationship—choose a guy that you would NEVER EVER date in a million years.

gcdc
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]

@C.Munro you are dead on “A comfy friendship combined with hot sexual chemistry sounds like it should lead to more.” Indeed. How does it not? But alas:

Crushes in general are bad news, as they are little more than loops of irrational desire, often based on a person’s most superficial attributes, which we allow ourselves to screen incessantly in the theatre of our minds.

I love this definition of a crush. Just have to keep reminding myself of all this good advice in the context of my own crush.

Humble Bee
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]

@Mad Max, thats’ what I’m saying! I’m scared to go on craigslist and just shag whoever. What if I end up dead, all because of one horny night. I’ll stick to porn, i guess. I wanted to do my ex, but I know that will just bring me problems.

MuchoMacho
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]

if we have sex, and we still dont want to date you… we dont want to date you.

strawberrymoonshine
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]

One thing that I think a lot of women who have been in this situation wonder is ... why doesn’t great friendship + sexual attraction lead to relationship material for men? What is the difference?

I’d say most women see their potential mate as some combination of friend and lover. This isn’t the first time I’ve read / heard that men don’t feel the same way though.

JLSGirl23
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]

Right on the money, Wendy! I think this woman already knows the answer to her question deep down inside, but was hoping for someone to say something different. Sometimes, these situations can work. And, sometimes they can’t. It depends on the two people involved, but I don’t really think he was sending this girl mixed signals. He made it perfectly clear that he did not want to date her, and was not interested in her that way. She let it go, thinking he would change his mind, and that hardly ever happens with these situations. So, she’s allowed herself to be used by him for sex, and not surprisingly still wants more from this #&@$% buddy situation. I’ve seen this happen more than once. Zac doesn’t sound like great boyfriend material anyway, so she needs to cut her losses, move out, and find someone who wants the same things out of a relationship she does.

LoveIsn'tAlwaysJustInFairyTales
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 10:18 pm: [report]

Wendy is exactly right on this one. You should have a greater respect for yourself. He is really just taking advantage of you, using you as a “booty call”. You should have kept things with him to a minimum when he told you he didn’t feel the same way. You agreeing to be his f**k buddy, was probably just your own way of hoping that one day you’d be something more with him. It’s better to just leave, find another roommate( ne who will respect you), and find a guy who shares the same feelings with you.

og217
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:50 am: [report]

These sitiuations never work. Any “mixed signals” are the guy using his charm and her obvious pathetic panting to get her to do chores, pay bills, or fetch him beers. And she gets all giggly and thinks that his winking and eye brow wiggling mean something. Whoever mentioned the future girlfriend scenario is dead on. This guy is going to get a girlfriend and kick this silly girl to the curb. She should salvage the few scraps of dignity she may still have and be the one to leave.

whatshesays
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:12 am: [report]

crushes on friends are bad, bad news when you know you would never actually date each other. STAY FRIENDS. (it’s too late for this unfortunate woman…)

Mint
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:33 am: [report]

If a man really likes you, he would never settle for being your FB. He’d be too jealous anyone else would get you and make sure you’re his gf. There are too many ppl in the world to settle for being a FB if you want more.

skywalk
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 06:23 am: [report]

@strawberrymoonshine: I am woman and I have the same problem with my men friends, (I’m married right now, so at this point it is harmless crushes) they think, hey we’ve been friends for years we get along great – sexual attraction on my end sometimes.. they think we should get together. The thing is there is a lot more to relationships then friendship and sexual attraction its called compatibility. So my point is it is not just men who think there is more to a relationship then friendship and sexual attraction. I think I’m an extremely hard person to date or even be married to but I make a great friend so for me it’s just I don’t think I (and/or the other person) would be happy just because we have always been great friends and there may be some sexual attraction. But didn’t Mind of Man – John Devore, right an article wondering why people don’t just date their friends – its that missing key element compatibility. But the difference with me and the man in this scenario is I would never be friends with benefits with anyone…

BedRocka
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]

they both enjoy the Sex so why blame Zac for not wanting more. Self respect has nothing to do with getting some or giving it up. So stop it with the Self respect nonsense. It’s actually more harsher when a guy likes a girl more than she does him but we don’t see guys writing letters saying ... ” I spend time with her, we go out, I listen to her and cheer her up when she’s down and I want her to be my girl friend but she’s confused and not ready” C’mon now ... it’s all about who’s got power in the situation. When the pendulum swings and power shifts the “oppressed” becomes “oppressor” bottom line is there is no script in relationships, sometimes it works, other times it may take a while to start humming and eventually work and of course others it’s just not there. So how bout she just has a coke and smile and enjoy the loving if not, close the chapter and move the Hell on!!

draymond
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]

I know that many may disagree with me, but I regard the f**k buddy to be a naturally unstable situation. Sex releases powerfull hormones in both men and women, particularly endorphins and oxytocin. To expect two people to regularly get that jolt from the same person and have neither of them develop a strong pairbonding is unrealistic.

Then as others have pointed out one or the other finds somebody else and the other feels all of the pain of a breakup without being able to feel justified in having that pain, which makes it harder.

So the f**k buddy situation is naturally unstable. It either ends badly (usually) or (rarely) ends with a full sexual relationship. So it is time for a ‘talk’. Tell Zac that you are falling for him and that your relationship has to either move up or move on. Because if you arent’t the ones for each other long term you need to get out of each other’s way so you can both find that. Four-to-one says it will be move on.

Now, you may think that will end your friendship with Zac, and it might. But there is actually far less chance of it ending than if you continued until it crashed and burned.

majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]

I can’t completely blame the guy for taking what is being freely offered. She told him she had feelings, he told her he didn’t, she appeared to accept that. After three years of “just friends”, he has every right to expect that, as a grown woman, she knows what the parameters of their relationship are. Maybe he should know better, but he isn’t the one changing the rules.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]

C. Munro: Very well said, indeed….I’d forgotten all about you on this site and that lovely photo. Those are very astute words and it is good to see them from such an attractive man.
Oooooh, I’m on a roll today. I’m getting my glass-eye changed and maybe getting another peg-leg to replace the one I have because the local feral cat used it as a scratching post when I fell asleep in a ditch last week.

draymond: Your post is good too. I’m getting bored now, so I have to stop reading…...

Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]

BedRocka: Way to negate your whole “argument.” Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…You come out with how it isn’t about self-respect but then go off on one about how it’s “much harsher when a guy likes a girl more than she likes him.”
We all know you’re not the sharpest tool in the box but at least TRY to proof-read and be consistent.
Also, if you’re about 12, then shame on you! You shouldn’t be on this site anyway.
Let’s not forget folks that there isn’t a fool-proof way to discern if people are adults on here. That Bedrocka fella does sound like a child. If he isn’t then geesh!
Oh, and dude, I wouldn’t reply because just doing so will make you look even more like a lemon.

C.Munro
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]

@Frederica: Awww, my heart goes out to all the feral cats in the world.

strawberrymoonshine
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

Bedrocka & Draymond mix together to form an interesting point:

Both Emotional connection & sexual connection release a bunch of addictive chemicals into our system. Which mess o’ hormones fiend the hardest for seems to vary by sex. Thus, the “friend zone” and “friends with benefits” complaints that mostly vary by sex.

Gal complains that sex isn’t enough without the reward of emotional bonding to back up the rush.

Guy complains that emotional giving isn’t enough without the incentive/reward of sex to keep it going.

I guess the key is communicating honestly (listening and deciphering clues being communicating too) and deciding if we’re going to get both parts of what we want and to give up when it becomes clear when we’re not. That can be as tough as convincing our bodies that stuffing as many calories into our bodies as physically possible isn’t actually productive, as much as our “chemicals” make us think it is.

onewriter
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]

He’s made it clear that he doesn’t care for her. She shouldn’t expect more. If she does, she’s deluding herself and gets what she deserves. If she wants more than to just be with him, she needs to leave.

wonderfultonight
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]

I seem to be in the very small minority here. I had a great F**k buddy for about a year. We met on vacation and WOW!the sexual chemistry! However, that was about all we had in common. I travel a lot in my job and he is in the Coast Guard. Neither of us was looking for anything permanent. We kept each other on speed dial and actually saw each other about every three weeks or so. Two things made it work - beside the great sex - we weren’t living together or even that near each other - a sad idea for this gal in the article- and we weren’t kidding ourselves that this would turn into something more. We talked this out in the beginning when we decided to keep seeing each other occasionally after the vacation was over. When it ended, it ended - no regrets from either of us.

If she wants more than a f**k buddy, she should move out and move on and find someone else.

xailabsyoo
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 07:16 pm: [report]

I might as well have written this letter myself, I’m going through the same exact thing except for it hasn’t been as long.

Great advice, hurts but definitely so true.

Ozymandias
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:16 pm: [report]

Wow, you’re officially my hero. Great advice.

Shriekback68
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]

Why is everyone bashing on Zac?? While the guy sounds like a bit of a chump, at least he’s being HONEST. And she’s agreeing to sleep with him!!

What the hell do you guys want from him? Do you want him to fake it until they make it? Sheesh.

og217
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 03:17 am: [report]

I don’t think people are bashing on the guy. He is taking his “friend” at her word - that she’s over her crush, and he believes that women are capable of just having sex for fun - what women want men to believe! I don’t see how he’s a bad guy for believing his friend and going with the flow. I bet he didn’t seduce this girl, either. She orchestrated the roommate arrangement and then probably came on to him.

DancingGeek
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:13 pm: [report]

FWB can be difficult, whenever you’re getting all close and cuddly with someone, the hormones do have an effect, moreso on women I think. The FWB thing can stand in the way of you finding someone who does want to be with you. In the other hand, if you know you;re not ready for something serious it can be a perfect arrangement.

VX967
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]

Wendy is wrong. This guy is open and honest. He doesn’t want a gf and the sex is ok so why waste time with the “dating” scene. It is her who does not have respect!! He is truthful so why make him the “bad guy”?
It is not about respecting yourself it is looking in the mirror an seeing the truth. He is not into a relationship.

wonderfultonight
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 05:58 pm: [report]

There is no way this gal is going to get “more” from her buddy than sex. He has already told her that. She needs to treat this more as the breakup of a relationship than hoping he will somehow morph into a steady BF.

First, she has to stop the sex - I know that’s very very hard when he’s so convenient and the sexual chemistry is already there. At the same time, she should be looking for a new place to live and put some physical distance between them.

Then hopefully she’ll be able to move on from this situation and date others. It will be hard at first, but this guy told her three years ago that he was not interested in being her SO. Long past time to take that to heart.

Shelbs305
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]

i remeber i was once in this very situation myself. Being young and so sexual charged can really get the better of you, yet i learnd from my mistakes. At the young age of 19, i’ve realized #&@$% mean nothing but trouble: i stear clear of guys who want to be one!

girl you need to drop this guy and find someone who want use you anymore!

Vfab
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 08:15 pm: [report]

Wendy keeps it real.

wilfredtr
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 09:10 pm: [report]

Your answer is right on.