Dear Wendy: “I Found A Pic Of A Penis On My Boyfriend’s Phone”
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Thursday November 5th 2009
I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. He is 24 years older than me and naturally we have our up days and down days. On Saturday night while he was asleep I went onto his cell phone and found a picture of another man’s penis on his phone. I am not allowed on his phone without asking him first and didn’t know how to confront him about this pic. So on Sunday morning I asked him if I could resend an SMS to my phone and ‘mistakingly’ went into his pics. But before I could see it he deleted it. I asked him what it was and he said a car. I told him he was lying and I know what I saw, he just said “why would I have a pic of another man’s penis on my cell?” Now I’m totally confused and worried at the same time. What do I make of this and how do I handle the situation? By the way, I sent a copy of that pic to my phone as evidence. — Worried Snoop
The first question I have is: what compelled you in the first place to look at his phone while he was sleeping? You must have had prior reason to distrust him. People don’t just wait until their partners fall asleep and then snoop through their phones or personal belongings because they have insomnia and the only thing on TV is an episode of “Oprah” they’ve already seen. You had reason to snoop, either because of past indiscretions, questionable behavior, or because he actually told you you’re “not allowed on his phone without asking him first.” I mean, who says that? Oh, right! Shady people who have double lives they want to hide from their significant others, that’s who!
The first red flag in a relationship isn’t actual evidence of shady behavior — in your case, a photo of another man’s penis on your boyfriend’s phone; the first red flag is a seed that’s planted the moment you suspect shady behavior, the moment your gut says “something isn’t right here.” Cheaters, liars, users, and abusers rarely exhibit bad or odd behavior completely out of the blue. There’s almost always a series of missteps and mishaps, like little bread crumbs that, depending on how long you’re willing to follow the trail, will guide you all the way to the witch in their house. Well, WS, you followed the trail all the way. You’ve found his witch. What more do you need? Run! Run as fast as you can from that house of his before he traps you forever. And next time don’t let the crumbs lead you all the way to the front door before you realize where you’re headed.
About a month ago I ran into a guy at our local bar who I went to high school with and have known for 14 years. We ended up dancing all night, kissing and hooking up at the end of the night and I thought, “Ok one-night stand ... whatever.” But we ended up dating and I can say he’s been very, very sweet…. up until a week ago. He’s gone from wanting to meet my parents to not even returning a text message. I have talked to him about it and he say’s “I’m not glued to my phone like you are,” and I have to end up just showing up at his house and letting myself in with the keys that he gave me!! You wouldn’t believe this is the same guy I was dating a month ago. Do you think he’s just seeing how far I will let him walk all over me? Is he stringing me along? He knows that I have a really big heart and I hate being mad at anyone. — Keys to his heart
Woah, back up, Nelly. A guy failed to return a text message and you show up at his house unannounced and then let yourself in with a key?! He probably can’t believe you are the same person he started dating a month ago. The appropriate response when someone neglects to return a text message or phone call in a timely manner is not to charge into his apartment unannounced, but to try again later. If he continues to ignore you over an extended period of time (we’re talking hours to days here, not minutes) or stands you up for a date, then, and only then, do you have reason to get in a huff. You still shouldn’t let yourself into his apartment unless you’ve knocked repeatedly and have reason to suspect something may have happened to him.
If it was just one text message he didn’t reply to quickly enough, I’d tell you to check yourself. If it’s a series of messages he’s been ignoring, then I’d thank your lucky stars you’ve been made aware of your incompatibility only weeks into the relationship rather than months down the road when you’re more attached. It doesn’t matter why he suddenly lost interest in you — maybe he felt you were too needy, maybe an old girlfriend reappeared in his life, maybe he met someone he likes better and wanted to pursue things with her — what matters is that he did lose interest and he didn’t have the decency to be direct with you. When someone stops returning messages with no appropriate explanation, consider that an indirect message that he’s moved on. Give him back his key and do the same.
Let me start off by saying I love my fiancé. We’ve been together two years and plan to marry when we graduate college. But I’m second guessing marrying him. He tends to be controlling and mean and very immature. And we’re 19. I’ve only dated three other people, and I’d like to shop around some more. How do I tell him this? — Unsure
As quickly and clearly as possible.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
tabby
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
Either I know (of) Keys or there are a lot of crazy women out there letting themselves into their “boyfriend’s” houses. Lady, you were dating for a month, stalker behavior is not warranted.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
picture of another mans penis is wierd… 99% of the time thats a serious red-flag, and his actions warrant your concern, imo. but. in fairness. once while on spring break in FL i sent a picture of my wang to a bunch of friends with the caption “spring break boobies!!!” and then when they opened it the message attached said “just kidding! believe in jesus!” so there COULD be a rational explanation… depending on your definition of rational…
luke15chick
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
I know the first letter was supposed to mainly be about the penis picture, but is anyone else a little surprised that the age difference is 24 years? And to the letter with the girl letting herself in the house. I just want to know, what makes you say “and I have to end up just showing up at his house and letting myself in with the keys”? Who said you had to? And just out of curiosity, whether you are a logical person or not I don’t know, whether you are one to obsessively have to contact him every minute of the day, I don’t know. Regardless, why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t reciprocate the level of communication you expect? I’m thinking a really good conversation with him right about now about his and your expectations of the relationship would be a good thing. If he has different expectations of what the relationship is then maybe he is not your man.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
Hold on a minute, people. I was walking through Charing Cross train station in London and received a “bluetooth” on my phone with the message of “hello” and before I even opened the picture which was attached, I knew it would be….(drum roll, please!) A DICK PIC!!!
Yep, against my better judgement, I opened the picture and there was a picture of some guy’s dick.
Come on, people, surely you’ve had a look at Craigslist. The dick pic is part and parcel for the skanks who try to get their end away on the web. I’m not surprised to see that it’s trickled its way into bluetoothing as well.
That is probably where the picture came from - or, after having re-read the write up again, it is most likely a picture of his secret lover’s willy and that is the reason why you have to “ask first” before using his phone. You’d be amazed at how many “happily married” men are sashaying down to the local “dirty DVD” shop to get a cheap jolly from another man…..
He could be in the closet, in which case, there’s no point in asking the other 6 billion people on this earth. If he’s gay, then, well, he’s gay.
draymond
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
Gee, maybe you should have titled this article ‘Dump the Jerk Allready! (3 examples)’
Example 1 is the most interesting one. That they have been together for three years and are so hidden from each other is a really bad sign. What it is a sign though of is something else. She is young enough to be his child and guess what, he is treating her like a child. And double guess what? She is behaving like a child.
Example 2: Who gives a house key to somebody who they have only dated for less than a month? And who presumes that they can just let themselves in after only a month? Finally who really presumes that they really knew the person that they only met a month ago.
Example 3. He’s controling, mean, and a little immature. Sorry, but the sex can’t be that good to keep you together.
msu.umich
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
In the second letter - the guy gave her keys to his apartment. Apparently he was cool with her being able to let herself in. If he wanted to break it off, he should have gotten his keys back. I don’t think she’s so stalkerish at all - if anything she AND he moved too fast.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
Letter #1: “I am not allowed on his phone without asking him first…” WHAT!? 24-year age difference and you’re being talked to like a little kid. Girl, grow a pair (figuratively speaking) and RUN!
Gloom
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
@dopaminer: I don’t see how the age difference could be a problem.
Anyway I wouldn’t trust the guy. He obviously was hiding something, especially after deleting the picture and claming it was just a picture of a car. My guess would be, he’s sending the picture to another woman. Probably even cheating on the girl.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
I would start by asking why was she snooping on his cell phone in the first place if she knows he doesn’t like her just randomly browsing through it. It sounds like there was an underlying issue or ongoing situation that caused her to be snooping in the first place. Her sneakiness and horribly cover story of getting back on his phone are annoying at the least. Someone that insecure and snoopy as hell? I definitely couldn’t be with them.
christinax4
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
dump him now
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
I just thought about that second situation listed with the girl letting herself in. I personally would call a psych ward to have some orderlies waiting for her.
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
I’ve heard of fratboy types sending each other wang pics in the vein (haha) of gross-out humor. But this guy’s in his 40s at least, which seems a little old for that kind of behavior. Still, I find snooping through your SO’s phone creepy and inappropriate. One shouldn’t have to tell his sweetheart that such behavior is unacceptable; it should be assumed out of respect.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
CMun i have a pic of some spring break boobies to show u. email me ur cell number.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
agreed C.Munro
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
@Macho: The last four digits spell “BEER.” If you can figure the rest out, I’ll make the “boobies” my new avatar.
Humble Bee
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
I found this to be hilarious.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
if u put a picture of my wang up as your avatar i would seriously consider changing my stance on mandatory notification…
C.Munro
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
@Macho: Haha. It may be considered false advertising, though.
Or not. After all, I’ve been called a prick enough times for it to be appropriate in a way.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
MuchMacho: I’ll put a picture of your wang up as my avatar. Sure, why not?
If you’re not comfortable with that, go to Craigslist where there’ll be dick pics o’ plenty…....
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
WANG , not just computers anymore.
Squidtermz
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
People send me crazy pics that I dont want all the time. Why just this morning at work someone sent me a pic of some VERY large people having sex. Mind you there is no way to filter what drunken old college buddies will send you at 3AM. But he’s really 24 years older than you? Errrr… some guys get bored with the ponnany when they hit a certain old age.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
im not up on craigslist… i know what it is, but ive never used it. i also am joking, which im sure most of you know, about sending my wang to any of you… but it would be pretty funny.
retro chic
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
N° 1: All kinds of wrong there. Where there’s rainbow smoke… there’s a beard. And, a man that much older wants someone who won’t talk back or doesn’t wantbe involved in any deep way. Esp when he tried to diminish her by telling her she wasn’t seeing what she saw like she’s 5 (like hannahsguy said). For her part, she as an adult, should have confronted him directly with any precipitating suspicions first – like Wendy said, the clues were there.
N° 2: Rewind. By my Gregorian calendar, they are in their early 30s and “dated” all of three weeks and keys are involved? There is no relationship. Weird and immature on both their parts. They came. They saw. They parted – only he forgot to tell her.
N° 3: Does this need a response?
Frederica Bimble
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]
MuchoMacho: Stay….away…from….Craigslist. I’m telling you that because I care. The cesspit of humanity can be found on that thing.
I’ve “seen enough to know I’ve seen too much” and I forget that just dropping in a reference to something like the awful Craigslist is only alerting others to it.
Don’t pollute yourself with it.
RobinUncommon
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
Working as a Pro-Domina has given me some insight into men and penis play. A lot of guys are open to experimenting with homosexual acts but don’t feel at ease sharing that side of themselves. Often times, they’ll see a woman who will do the things to them they wish a guy would.
I hope you’re using protection for any and all sexual acts.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 02:10 pm: [report]
@Robin - im using protection… i give them a fake name. BOOSH.
AnitaBath
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]
I agree that, in the first letter, there could be a lot of silly reasons why the guy could have that picture on his phones. His friends could’ve sent it to him in a drunken text, etc. However, what people seem to be missing is that he LIED about it. If he didn’t have a reason to try and cover for it, then he wouldn’t have. Explaining why he had it on his phone (if it wasn’t for shady reasons) would probably have been a lot easier than trying to convince the girl she’s hallucinating, in my opinion.
That being said, shame on the girl for snooping! That’s my number one pet peeve. Psycho much?
spanishdoll
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 08:52 pm: [report]
What I’m wondering is how did that guy tell her the picture of a penis was of a car? Damn. That’s a weird wang.
og217
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 01:12 am: [report]
the first letter - it could have been a joke sent by a friend if the guy in question was young. Having a girlfriend who is 24 years younger means that the guy is old. Middle aged dudes do not generally have frat-boy buddies. So, i’d say the picture and the prohibition against touching his cell mean he is seriously hiding something, like his homosexuality.
erinmystic
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
Sorry people, but red flag #1 was “don’t look at my phone without permission.” #2 he deleted the picture instead of showing it and explaining why he had it. My ex got dick pics A LOT! (He has weird friends). BUT he would always show them to me, explain it, and we would BOTH have a huge laugh.
bogart4017
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
The fact that he didnt delete the damn thing when he first got it is suspect to me. Please explain to me why a guy would keep a dick pic anywhere?
That said—-i am so sick of reading about these snooping broads finding exactly what they are looking for and then complaining about it. Whats the big search for? Everybody has a phone so the only reason you need mine is if your is not working. Knowing that i’m not gonna be dumb enough to keep sick joke pix, other chicks tns, suspect phone history or anything that causes concern. Why? I don’t feel like answering a lot of questions that you let upset you because you feel “i’ve been acting different lately”. Meanwhile you overlooked the fact that i cold-turkeyed cigarettes which will make a person irritable in the first place and downright ornery when they have to be interrogated!
Hilary
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 05:55 pm: [report]
@luke15chick & @dopaminer
I don’t see how the age difference has anything to do with it.
I’m with someone much older than me and well, age is nothing but a number.
Anyway, I think the snooping and the picture is just plain weird. Why does he have the picture and why does he want to hide it is the biggest red flag of them all!
ootie grl
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 09:13 am: [report]
If he wasnt hiding something he wouldnt have deleted it or lied.
cataclysmicdiva
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
Ssooo..I found something similar on my bf’s computer. We had been dating several months (& are still together) but one day he was on his computer & we were looking up something, and you know how when you google search and later you type a letter whatever you’ve previously searched for comes up? Well, that’s what happened. I only got a glance, but I knew what I had seen, but I just played it off and acted like I hadn’t seen a thing. He left shortly afterward to go to the store, and I went through his entire search history while he was gone…and there was so much stuff...I was horrified...It was a lot of “transexual” porn..with VERY explicit search requests..such as “blonde tranny with small tits”...Now, this might seem odd, but even as stricken as I was, I was still kinda miffed that what he was searching for looked NOTHING like me!! (I’m a brunette with a rather large rack). (Even now I’m kinda bothered by it…especially when he does things like he did the other day by commenting about Dakota Fanning getting ‘hot’ now that she’s a little older…normally that sort of thing wouldn’t bother me, but I kinda wonder what it is he likes about me when he’s ‘turned on’ but blonde chicks [w d*cks?]) When he came back, I left the pages up I had found and confronted him. I was kinda scared actually…I thought maybe he was a crazy in disguise…I just had these horrible thoughts like in the movies when you find some junk on your guy and he just goes crazy or tries to hurt you…I had no idea if something like that was about to transpire..so I had actually collected my things and had them waiting by the door, just in case I had to leave quickly once he got back…but I had to confront him. By this time we were already “in love.” He got choked up and started to cry!! I kinda went crazy, accusing him of “What is wrong with you?! Are you gay?!” And he said that I didn’t understand, and I said Explain it to me….He told me that when he was a kid his older brother (who is disabled) molested him, and he’d been kinda messed up in the head ever since. He kept crying and assured me he wasn’t gay. He said after he “got off” to the gay-ish porn that he felt really guilty & ‘bad’ afterwards. I told him he needed counseling…so he went…& he’s still going. Our relationship is fine, but I must admit I secretly have my doubts about whether everything is in fact, “fine.”