Dear Wendy: How To Know When You’ve Found The One
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Monday November 9th 2009
Last year I went to Italy for my best friend’s wedding and ended up sleeping with her husband’s best friend at the reception. I was sure I would never see him again, but he hunted me down the next night and ended up driving me to the airport for my departure the next morning. We connected on Facebook and wrote emails to each other regularly. I decided to return to Italy for two months, and while I was living in Florence our love affair continued and intensified. When it came time for me to leave Italy, I cried uncontrollably all the way to my connection in Paris! When I got home I confessed my love for him via email. He responded that he also loved me but he wasn’t sure it was in the “same way.” In the year since then we email each other and he occasionally professes his love and how much he misses me, which sends me reeling. He came to visit me in August and we spent almost three weeks together in Colorado and out east. I daydream about moving back to Italy just to see if he is The One. I can’t discern my feelings for him anymore. Am I in love with him or am I in love with our romantic unreal experience? How do I really know if I love this man? — Is That Amore?
Wait, I’m confused. In his occasional professions of love, has your Italian paramour never once refuted his claim that his love for you might not be the “same” as yours for him? In all your email exchanges and his three-week visit to the States, has he never made a formal reply to your initial confession of love for him? Has he never made his intentions with you clear? Well, no wonder you aren’t sure what to feel or think. When we’re with someone who sends mixed signals, it’s easy to mix up our own feelings.
You’ve basically invested over a year in this relationship and you deserve to know where you stand with this guy. What are you to him? Obviously, you must mean something because he’s invested a year of long-distance emailing and the time and expense to make a three-week transatlantic trip to see you. Before you rush off to Italy to see if he’s The One, you need to have a heart-to-heart discussion with him about his feelings for you and what — if any — intentions he has. Does he envision a future with you? Are you just someone to pass the time with until someone else comes along? Maybe he’s hesitated telling you exactly how he feels because he doesn’t know how practical planning a future with you is. Have you ever had a discussion about the possibility of you moving to Italy or him moving to the States? Unanswered questions make us vulnerable and when we’re vulnerable, we do whatever it takes to protect out hearts, including tuning it out.
I suspect you already know whether you’re in love with this man, but are afraid to let yourself truly feel it because you’re unsure of his intentions and feelings for you. Enough with the uncertainty already! Call him up and ask him! Is he in love with you? Does he want to be with you? Would he pursue a real relationship if you lived in the same city? Sure, it’s scary, but no scarier than investing another year of your life in a relationship that leaves you with more questions than answers and feeling more vulnerable than secure. And if he tells you he’s not in love with you or doesn’t fantasize about you in his future, it’s time to cut your losses and move on.
Recently my 27 year old eldest son called me and asked “How did you know it was right to marry mom?” Yikes! I felt honored that he trusted me enough to ask that, but also that I was now completely beyond all of the advice contained in “Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care.” My first reply was that it was absolutely the obvious thing to do and he was old enough to be able to trust his gut. But this struck me as somewhat outdated. What was the obvious thing 30 years ago no longer is. Marriage now seems to be quite disconnected from starting a household, considering yourself in a permanent committed relationship for years, and even having and raising children. I am still pondering the answer to this big question. With marriage currently being considered such a completely optional act, how do you know that it is obviously the right thing to do with someone? — Outdated Dad
Actually, I don’t think you’re outdated at all, nor is your idea of marriage. Sure, fewer people today see marriage as a necessity or something they have to rush into as soon as they finish school, but that doesn’t mean it’s “disconnected from starting a household, considering yourself in a permanent committed relationship” and raising a family. On the contrary, that’s exactly what marriage means for the majority of people tying the knot these days. Your first reply to your son about trusting his gut when it comes to choosing a spouse is right on the money. I’d also add that he should be able to answer in the affirmative to all the following questions: Do you share similar values? Do you both agree on whether to have kids or not? Does she provide you with emotional support? Do you have fun together? Are you sexually/intimately compatible? Does she challenge you to be a better person? Is she financially responsible? Does she make you feel loved?
Marriage is still very much a leap of faith and there isn’t one sure-fire answer that erases all worry completely, but I’d say that answering “yes” to all these questions is a pretty good indication that a person’s found the right match. I’m going to open this question up to readers, too, especially those who are engaged or married: How did you know you found the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? How did you know marriage was the right thing for you?
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
og217
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
For the first question - it seems that the guy is just passing the time. An occasional facebook chat? Please. And after her professing love, his reply is that he maybe doesnt love her the same way? I don’t think this requires any figuring out.
O.Ste
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
For the first one, it seems like she’s in love with the romantic part of their relationship. Off galavanting in Italy for a short while and spending only three weeks together here in the states? It sounds like an episode of The Bachelor to me. Could she see herself running a household with this man, raising children? Love and relationships are the most wonderful thing in the world, but they’re not a fairy tale; they’re REAL LIFE. I feel like this women need to get a grip on reality. Ask him straight out what his deal is and either move to Italy or have him move here. Or else, you’re only wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak.
*sam*
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
re the 2nd: I think, looking back, it’s really easy to say “I always knew we’d end up getting married.” I was actually just thinking about this the other day. I always tell him that “I knew it all along” although, when I seriously think back to how I felt, I don’t honestly think I can claim that. Sure, there were plenty of times I imagined us being together forever with 2.5 kids, a Labrador Retriever, and a white picket fence, but, there were also plenty of times I had the “carpe diem” notion as well. Like you mentioned, there’s no guarantee in marriage, and I honestly believe the whole notion of “The One” is ridiculous as it’s usually portrayed. If this guy’s son is expecting to find “the one person in the entire world that I’m meant to be with forever” then, I would suggest that he re-evaluate his notions of romance and commitment. However, if he’s asking whether or not this person is “the one I want to spend the rest of my life with” then chances are, he’s on the right path.
Moreover, if he’s having difficulty discerning whether marriage in general is right for him, he could always take a pre-marital counseling class or workshop to help him figure that out. My fiance and I just spent 2 full days in one, and even though it was insanely boring at times, we both found it really helpful since it wasn’t based on religion. (it was on base and offered through the Marine Corps, so it had a lot to do with how to handle being a military spouse rather than that whole “can you fully live out your vows to one another under God” b.s.)
SCRMOM
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I never struggled with this decision because I just knew that I wanted to marry my husband. We complement each other - we did then, and we do now. Not only do I love him with all of my heart and enjoy being with him (we are best friends), I trust him completely. While we have very different personalities (I’m Type A, and he’s laid-back), we have similar goals, dreams for the future, expectations of our relationship (mutual respect, personal responsibility, etc.) and parenting choices. He makes me a better person, and I think I do the same for him. Last but not least, I think he’s hot as h*ll and incredibly sexy.
Coral
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
Although I don’t plan on getting married for at least 5 years, I am engaged in a sense. I knew I had found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when we were in a long-distance relationship at first and every time we would be together again, everything just felt right and we got so much closer and stronger with the time away because we had to be in order to maintain that connection. Also, knowing that at the end of each day, when I just want to relax, sit on the couch, watch tv, etc, I just want to spend time or on the phone with my boyfriend—just time where it could be comfortable silence or deep conversation. I just feel so comfortable with him, but it’s not comfortable in the way that I would be letting myself go and not take care of myself.
H. Blue
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
The first one.. totally a romantic love story. And the time you have spent together, isn’t “real” time- it’s you on holiday. You haven’t dealt with eachother under normal circumstances, through work and friendships, emergencies, sicknesses, family struggles. I did the same thing, sort of, with a British boy when I was much younger and unfortunately, not a lot dumber, and I married him. It didn’t go well. Please don’t put all your hope into something you haven’t really been in. It works for some people, but I always think it’s wise to proceed with caution.
As for the second one.. I’m a little insulted that this dude thinks marriage doesn’t matter to people anymore. It matters a great deal to most people. Thing is, we have different concerns now than 30 years ago. For one, most women work now, where then it was still not necessarily the norm, so they were looking for financial stability through marriage. The economy is screwed up, we know about all kinds of diseases and disorders.. that stuff mostly lends itself to the f-edup-edness of dating, but that’s what leads to marriage.. so.. really you can’t compare 30yrs ago to now. It’s just that people think of different things now.
I, personally, don’t think I’ll get married again. For one thing, it would be “again” and I didn’t have a good time the first time around. For another, I don’t have confidence that I’ll ever meet someone I’d want to commit to that way. But if I did, I would take it very seriously, just as I did the first time. As I think most people do.
hannahsguy
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
First questioner: If you have to ask if he’s the one haven’t you already answered that question?
majicksand
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
The good days don’t determine the value of your relationship—the bad days do. Every couple argues occasionally. When you disagree, do you resolve the issue or just move on so that the same problems keep resurfacing over and over?
Queen Frostine
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]
Why I got married:
I met someone who had similar goals, dreams and aspirations. Someone who enjoyed the lifestyle I enjoyed. Someone who understood me on the deepest levels and was always on the same wavelength. So we decided to marry.
We decided to commit to living and working towards our dreams together as a team. A team that would support each other no matter what. We felt that together, we each bring out the best in each other and enhance who we both were as individuals. To us, it was less of a romantic ideal, and more of a partnership based on mutual growth. We are each other’s best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener and cheerleader. Together we become better at being ourselves.
A.J.R.
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]
My perpetually single brother has asked me on occasion how I knew that I should marry my wife (methinks his claims of confirmed bachelorhood might be a bit overstated). What I came to realize time and time again was that the key to a lasting relationship was to stop thinking in terms of “me” and start thinking in terms of “us” and that once that way of thinking became the norm in my relationship, bingo. At all times, you should be ready and willing to give up anything for your mate and she/he for you. But if you love each other and treat each other as equals, you won’t expect or demand (or have to expect or demand) that they do.
Helynn
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
For the first question… have you ascertained whether his meaning for “I love you” is the same as yours?
I had a relationship with a German guy for nearly 4 years and at the beginning of our relationship, we had a really interesting discussion about the American vs German meanings for “I love you.”
In America, saying “I love you” is a huge deal because it’s so laden with expectations of a future together. In Germany, they say “I love you” much more easily. It doesn’t necessarily mean they care less, but it’s not so full of pressure and expectations. It doesn’t necessarily mean they intend to spend forever with you.
So, even if he does love you, I’d have a talk with him to discover if you have the same conceptions of what “I love you” means. If you think it means more than he does… you’ll just end up badly hurt.
And make sure you think about if you’d be willing to move to Italy, and ask if he has ever thought about moving to the States. If both of you can’t ever imagine leaving your home country, it won’t work.
draymond
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 05:45 pm: [report]
As for the first question: I agree with those who have said that this couple hasn’t spent enough real-world, real-life time together to know if this is meant as a permanent relationship.
As for ‘Outdated Dad’. That was my letter and I am glad that it is sparking some interesting replies. To H. Blue who thought that I said that marriage didn’t matter to people anymore. Quite to the contrary. Since society isn’t as insistent on marriage to start a household or family then only people for whom it IS very important are getting married.
To update on the letter, a couple days after the ‘go with your gut’ advice I talked with my son again and gave him one more thought on the subject. Two weeks later he called to say that he had proposed and she had accepted. So I certainly hope that it was good advice! What did I say? “When you look out to the horizon and what you see is one common future together rather than two separate futures that happen to be running parallel for a while, then it is right.”
SouthOC
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
For the 1st question, It seems like she’s trying to make a fantasy experience morph into a life partner. This seems a bit unrealistic to me. I know it happens, but the challenges of a LDR from one state to another is difficult enough - another continent? fagetaboutit!
SouthOC
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 05:58 pm: [report]
Why I got married:
I love her more and better than anyone else could (and visa versa). She is my best friend, my lover, and we share the same values and goals in life.
We shared a work friendship for about a year before the sparks began to fly, so we got to know each other really well before it got physical.
We’re as different as night and day in so many ways, but we’re also extremely compatible. I can’t imagine my life without her.
Red_Lady
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 07:11 pm: [report]
Queen Frostine, that was beautifully written, thank you.
kknepper
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 07:59 am: [report]
OMG. Facebook, emails, crying, he doesn’t love you the same way? Oh dear. Echo the “if you have to ask” thought.
SouthOC
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]
I think a long term relationship has to have 4 qualities. IMHO, if you don’t have all of these, a relationship will ultimately fail.
1. Physical attraction
2. Shared values
3. Respect
4. Compatibility
majicksand
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
@south oc: You forgot love. I have those 4 traits in common with a lot of people with whom I would never consider an intimate relationship.
Queen Frostine
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
Physical attraction will fade over time as your body ages, wrinkles, sags, hair falls out, weight is gained, etc. Best not to rely on it too much. Best to be attracted to what’s on the inside.
bonnykate
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
How I knew my husband was the one? I could be completely myself around him - and him with me - and feel incredibly comfortable about it. We do the goofiest stuff together, stuff that I would be embarrassed to do with anyone else, and we have an amazing time. It felt like I had known him forever when it had only been a couple months, and we knew we wanted to get married long before we actually got engaged. We are incredibly compatible in bed, but more importantly, if the sex disappeared, we’d still be best friends. Basically, I think the qualification list is spot on.
SouthOC
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 05:59 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Dammit! 5 things… I hope you can see from my earlier post that it’s love that binds it all together…
@Queen Frostine: You’ll get no argument from me here. Surely, age and gravity take their toll on all of us, but I think it’s really important to start out being hot for them!
27intelligent
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 02:57 am: [report]
I went out with this guy and everything seem to be ok but out of nowhere he stop calling me and then he pop back up out of nowhere and contact me again .Until one day i text him and said i’m not calling you anymore and i left it as that. that was strange for me
Oni_
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
@ “Is that amore” - he is playing you. You want to test him do not go back to Italy let him come visit you from now on until you get a proposal of marriage. Oh and if he you do not think he is being real with you and giving you mixed signals dump him…be a rational thinker…its hard but look out for YOU!
@Outdated Dad reply: I believe that all of those are valid questions to ask a potential spouse. Also think that individuals should keep in my mind when questions/answers of expect out of marriage, what do expect from your spouse if you get married, have a lot of faith, be open-minded, someone thats challennges you because you do not want to be in a boring marriage unless you are a boring person. I agree with queen that physical attraction does fade away so you better have something else that you can look forward too.