Dear Wendy: How To Handle An Overly Dependent BFF
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Tuesday October 20th 2009
I am a freshman in college and am loving it. I had no trouble making the transition and while I miss my family, I’ve found it relatively easy to settle into my new situation. Before moving in, I had to say goodbye to my best friend, which was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. For years we have shared everything. We agree on almost everything and love each other’s company. I really do not believe I will ever meet anyone who I could love and rely on as much as I do with her. The problem is that she doesn’t like her college. She’s been talking of transferring to my school and has been making repeated visits to see me. I love getting to see her, but like I said before, we shared everything. It almost got irritating (to me—I’ve never seen any indication that she felt this way). I would make a friend and then they would become her friend too. I would find something I had an interest in and she would adopt the hobby too. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t my own person. For the past few years I’ve actually enjoyed being her second half, but now that I’m in college I’ve been enjoying my independence. The bottom line is that I don’t want her here. More importantly though, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, especially since, like I said, I don’t ever anticipate caring about someone as much as I care about her. What should I do? Is there anything to be done? — Miss Independent
As you’re finding out, college is a wonderful time to enjoy your independence and broaden your horizons with new experiences, friends and influences. Too bad your best friend hasn’t figured that out. I don’t doubt the love and affection you feel for your BFF, but the relationship as you describe it sounds like classic co-dependence. While you’ve had no trouble making the transition to your new life without her, she seems unable to function without “sharing everything” with you. It’s not her college she doesn’t like — it’s being without you that’s making her so unhappy. Unless you want to be as miserable as she’s been, you’ve got to let her know how you feel about her transferring to your school before it’s too late.
I know you don’t want to hurt your best friend, and I admire the care you have for her feelings, but you’re not doing her any favors by keeping quiet. She has as much to gain in being apart from you and having her own independent experience as you do — she just hasn’t realized it as quickly as you have. It’s time to have a real heart-to-heart with her and let her know that as much as you value her friendship and as important as her role is in your life, you know in your heart you both need time and space to grow as individuals. If the bond of your friendship is as strong as you say it is, creating your own identities and experiences will only enhance each other’s lives. Let her know that you believe in the strength of her character to have a wonderful college experience without you by her side every step of the way. She needs to learn to function happily on her own and this her chance. More important, the survival of your friendship is dependent on the distance between you now. If she transfers to your school and mooches off your experience, you’ll only resent her stealing your independence. It won’t take long for that resentment to grow into ugly bitterness, creating a big ol’ wedge between the two of you.
Of course, you can’t force your friend not to transfer to your school, but you can let her know in no uncertain terms that you wouldn’t be happy if she came. It will probably hurt her feelings to hear such honesty and she may even resent you for it for a while. But she’ll be in a lot more hurt if you don’t tell her what’s on your mind and she transfers to your school and doesn’t understand why you don’t want to spend every waking second with her. You’ve just entered a time of great transition and you’re going to find that many of your friendships and relationships will be tested in different ways. These challenges might strengthen some of your bonds and weaken others, but if you stay true to your needs and treat the people in your life with respect — understanding that you’re evolving at different paces — you’ll be a stronger person for it. It sounds like you’re already on a great track.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Perceptible
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
I disagree. Telling your BEST friend, no matter how nicely, that you “don’t want her at your school” is just mean! And totally irrelevant since, grades and financial backing aside, she can attend any college she chooses.
She should be supportive of her friend, without being her only friend. Is she worried about sharing her “new” friends? This makes me sad. Her friend might not be transitioning very well, for whatever reason, and probably needs the support and love of her best friend. And her best friend sounds like she wants to ditch her. I can’t imagine doing this to my best friend. It sounds to me like there are other factors at work here.
snap
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
@perceptible - well said! i think this advice was not only way off-base, but cruel! the asker should—and could—be able able to find friends and things to do at college that do not involve her friend if she wants to, even if the friend transfers. such brutal—“brutal” being the operative word here—honesty in this situation is not only uncalled for, but rude, cruel, and disgusting.
lea322
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
Actually, I agree with Wendy’s advice. I do think that MI should try to really get to the bottom of why her friend wants to transfer schools before telling her she doesn’t want her there, though. If it really is mainly based on wanting to be with MI, then the relationship clearly has an unhealthy co-depentent factor, and MI should be able to tell her friend how she feels. MI should also encourage her friend to get involved where she is and get the most out of her experience. Most people struggle in the first couple of months after a big transition, and I’ve seen too many people give up on things that could have been great because they were afraid to really embrace their new circumstances and just wanted something familiar.
If her friend does choose to transfer to MI’s school, MI should not live with her, and she should continue to enjoy her own life. Her friend can be involved, but she needs to learn how to be her own person, too.
retro chic
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
Unless Miss Independent is a great actress, she sounds sincere about wanting to do the right thing by her AND her BFF. Let her transfer to the college! At least they get to deal head-on with their friendship, Miss Independent can assist her friend in her own independence with boundaries.
I think she is experiencing her honeymoon phase of independence but shouldn’t let it turn her head. This is a lesson for “Miss I” can benefit from too – she should welcome it.
There’s plenty of room for the two of them in one little ol’ university, whatever way it slices in the end. I think both the friend and letter-writer should be accorded a little more credit as problem-solving adults than automatically assigning an additional barrier of distance.
joyy
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
I disagree with the *assumption* that their separation is the reason for her friend’s unhappiness at school. There is NO way to know why it isn’t working out. Every school is different - if I had gone to my brother’s school or my best friend’s school, I would have been miserable. Not everyone initially attends a school that is a good fit for them.
Did her family pressure her to attend a religious school or alma mater that was a better fit for them than her? Is she finding that she wants to specialize in something her current school doesn’t offer? I agree with @lea322 though, she needs to find out WHY her friend isn’t happy ... but assuming it’s because they’re apart is nothing short of narcissistic. I mean it’s entirely possible, but there *are* other possibilities.
joyy
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]
er, that line in the first paragraph is supposed to read “There is no way for *us* to know why it [bff who hates her school] isn’t workign out”
luke15chick
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]
when I was in college I was friends with this girl who had a group of friends she had grown up with in her small hometown and they all came to the same college. She was the only one who made friends with people outside of the group. The rest of the group stuck with one another and missed the whole meet new people experience that college is all about. It could be the author is fearful of this bff having this same problem.
hlnbabe
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:41 pm: [report]
i think her advice is perfect.
friendship is also being able to tell someone how you feel.
this girl is overly needy and she’s not liking school because she’s pathetic. she shouldn’t be holding MI down because she’s a wimp and MI should be able to tell her that she would like to to enjoy a new experience.
tabby
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
I agree with joyy. Her bff may simply have chosen a school that is a bad fit and seeing the school MI is at makes her wish she had gone there. But, my best friend from high school didn’t like living without me and so she transferred to the school next to my school freshman year. (I went to the private liberal arts and her grades weren’t good enough so she went to the university next door). She was envisioning us spending weekends together and hanging out. I spent all my time with my new friends and in the theatre. She was hurt by the fact that I had other people I wanted to spend time with and so she moved back home the next semester and didn’t speak to each other for a while. So, I really think MI needs to figure out her friend’s motivation for a transfer. If it really is based on the co-dependence, then she needs to tell her friend that while it sounds good in theory to be right next door to each other, that the bff needs to understand that MI won’t be constantly available for late night slumber parties and that she needs some space. If MI still wants to be friends in the future, then she needs to make some boundaries now.
kr070707
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
I agree with joyy and everyone else who says that MI needs to get to the bottom of this. I really don’t think that someone should select a college based mostly on ONE person, no matter who that person is. Same goes for going to college for a boyfriend, to please your mother, etc. It’s a huge decision that affects your entire life and it shouldn’t be based on any one factor. At the very least MI should have a serious talk with the bf about why exactly she wants to come to this university. If the only reason is “that’s where you are” then she has a big problem.
If the bf has done all the research and thinks that the school would be a good fit even if MI weren’t there, then MI shouldn’t try to stop her. But MI has to set boundries before the bf comes to campus.
Personal note: 2 of my closest friends from high school were roommates their first year of college. They were super close, like MI and her bf, and were completely convinced that living together would be awesome and perfect. Fast forward to the end of the year and things were pretty bad between them. Now, several years later, they barely speak. Why? Different expectations of what college life and roommate life would be like, mostly. Differing personality traits that came out living together as well. I really agree with Wendy that MI and her bf’s relationship could disintegrate if they don’t talk about these things now.
freepeople1986
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]
Assuming the girl hates college because she is without her BFF is silly. It can take time adjusting, and people do tend to miss their “old” friends and cling to them. People who are quieter will take a little longer to adjust. It sounds to be like the BFF is the quiet one and MI is the ring leader. If this is true, and since MI is “loving it” I am sure she is making it seem attractive to go there.
As a BFF, has MI asked her friend WHY she doesn’t like school? Why can’t they just start with that, before MI has to go on berating her and assuming it’s because her friend doesn’t want to be away at school without her? Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she is staying in her room when she should be out mingling? MI should share how she assimilated so well.
Friends are supposed to be supportive, not assumptive.
bogart4017
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
Co-dependency can be very scary. Whether or not this friend changes colleges the relationship will have to be dealt with.
I had a friend years ago that developed an almost smothering dependency on our friendship. In the first place it was way late in the game for that crap (him in his 30s me in my 40s). I didnt presss him about it because i figured he was an only child, no real friends, blah blah blah. Anyway when he started buying the same type of clothes and shoes that i did i knew i had to do something. Luckily fate intervened and the company i worked for transferred me to another county and him to a different part of the state. Today he’s nothing more than an occasional voice on the phone (we have the same job title so there is some interaction)and he sounds so much the better for it.
CrashingwithLove
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 05:51 pm: [report]
I have a friend of mine. She is someone who considers me a very close friend. In fact, she’s so smitten with me, she has previously considered taking courses to ensure she and I have at least 1 class together. I will admit I am not at all smitten with this “friend” of mine. In fact, one can say she most definitely annoys me. She is childish, egotistical, and well… a bit bothersome.
The point of this is to show you my friend is just as clingy as this college girl’s. If Miss Independent were to beat around the bush, I can personally guarantee you that her friend would have no idea what Independence wanted. Better yet, her friend would become aggressive and threaten her.
It seems melodramatic to point out such a response, but I can guarantee you it has happened to me before.
draymond
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 09:15 pm: [report]
Am I not catching something here? She so loves telling her BFF about her personal thoughts and feelings, but now she can’t tell her about her feelings about this? What part of everything didn’t that include.
Of course there is being mean about telling her and there is being nice about telling her, but if she really is such a BFF then at least share your ‘concerns’.
How would I say it? I would tell her: what I really liked about college was the independence and meeting new people and becomeing a bigger and more varied person than I was in High School. And that my fear is that if we were together all the time we would fall back to being like we were when we were in high school. I’m fine with your transfering here but realize that I want to be the person that I am here and not the person that I was back in high school.
People change. Good relationships have to evolve with them. That too is a lesson to be learned.
majicksand
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
Either way she goes, MI needs to realize and be prepared to deal with the probability that her relationship with her BFF is going to change, suffer, and/or end.
ellie1202
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
i agree that they need to have a talk before the friend transfers to her school. as much as she thinks she might love it there she needs to do some more research before applying and transferring to that school. visiting a friend is far far different than actually attending that school. maybe instead of saying i don’t want you here, instead miss i could say what makes you want to come here versus staying at your school. maybe she could help her figure out what she really is looking for. in the end that might not be the school she’s at or the one her friend attends but somewhere else entirely.