Dear Wendy: He’s Not Ready For Marriage
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Friday October 16th 2009
I am 26 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. Our relationship started off with many issues—I had just ended a very serious relationship and he was getting over an unrequited love. We had a blast together the first few months because there was very little expectation of our relationship becoming more than just a summer fling. But our feelings for each other didn’t end so we gave it another shot. The first few months of trying again were pretty rough because of our insecurities, but now things are at a very good place. We have been living together for a few months and share everything together. We’ve said the big L word, and tell each other that every day. But my boyfriend seems a bit phobic about getting engaged and married, and I’m not sure if he’s just afraid of that commitment or if it’s with me. We have talked about having children together, but more jokingly than seriously. When I asked him if he plans on marrying me someday, his answer has always been “I want to,” but I’m not convinced. He tells me that he loves me, but not enough for that level of commitment yet. I don’t want to be in a relationship if I’m not “the one.” Is this a bad sign that our relationship will not get there? Am I overreacting and being too impatient? — Hurt and Confused
Yes, you are overreacting and being too impatient. And what’s worse, you could be putting what sounds like a lovely relationship in jeopardy with your insecurities and nagging about marriage. You say you’ve been together for a year, but what’s unclear is whether you’ve even been together consistently during that whole time. Regardless, I think it’s completely reasonable and mature that your boyfriend, with whom you admit you had a few rocky months, would want to wait a little longer before making a lifetime commitment to you, especially since your relationship “started off with many issues,” and it’s only been in the last few months that “things are at a very good place.” I mean, what’s the rush? Why do you want to jump into marriage?
Enjoy the very good place you’re at for a while. He says he loves you and wants to marry you one day, and if your relationship is solid and happy, you should believe him. And if you don’t, it sounds like you definitely have some insecurity issues you need to work through before you start talking marriage with anyone. Besides that, it’s ridiculous to say you don’t want to be in a relationship if you’re not “the one.” Do you think everyone figures out whether they’ve met “the one” the moment they lay eyes on him or her? That only happens in movies! For lots of people, it takes months, or even years, of sharing experiences and deepening trust to realize they’re with the person they want to spend forever with. Revisit the marriage issue in six months to a year and in the meantime, take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the ride.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
skywalk
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
One year and she wants him to marry him and/or seriously discuss it when they’ve had problems and this relationship started as a rebound relationship. Give it some time, they are both young and there is no need to rush anything. Continue working on the relationship and see if you guys are both heading in the same direction. They both will be very different people by the time they reach 30 so visit it the subject again in a year or two. I rushed my first marriage, but have a beautiful daughter and learned a lot but I wish I had waited. We can make bad decisions when we are young and in love/lust!
H. Blue
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
good advice, Wendy.
Chebs
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
I’m wondering if maybe the letter writer is afraid that her boyfriend is going to keep saying “someday” forever and ever and ever, and he won’t ever make a commitment to her. I do think she’s coming on a little strong though. Waiting a little bit longer won’t hurt anything, and it’ll give her and her guy more time to get to know each other. If she ends up in a permanent holding pattern and her guy only ever says “someday”, then she can worry. But I agree, for now, she’s jumping the gun.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
I’ve edited my advice to suggest revisiting the marriage issue in six months to a year. While I definitely think she needs to let things rest a bit, she shouldn’t wait indefinitely either.
snap
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
I’m thinking this advice is missing the elephant in the room… it’s not that he doesn’t want to get married. it IS her. she is not the right person for him, as hard as that is for her to hear. if she was, he would be over the moon and want to commit. i know. i’ve been there, done that.
skywalk
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
@snap: I disagree with that. My husband and I have been together almost 11 years, we dated 5.5 years before we got married and we just wanted to be sure it was right. We didn’t even discuss marriage until 3-4 years into our marriage and I think if I had mentioned it sooner my husband my have said I’m not sure or not been into discussing it. I let the relationship run a natural course so by the time we started talking about it we were ready. This guy is just not at that place in that relationship (or may not want to marry her as you say but you don’t know for a fact that is the case), you are right that he may never be but it’s really too soon for some him to even wrap their head around marriage.
bogart4017
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
If a man tells you he doesnt want to marry you-believe him and take it from there.
If he says he wants to-believe him and then its up to you if you want to wait around for a firm date.
freepeople1986
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
Great advice Wendy.
BabysMomma
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
Is she kidding? 1 year!! and she’s already looking to get married.
I think Wendy’s advice is spot on. There were troubles in the beginning, and how well can you know someone after one year.
IMO, the Hurt and Confused in more interested in being married then in having a relationship. I think she needs to live in the moment of having, building and enjoying her relationship. Instead she is sabatoging the relationship by focusing and forcing her final agenda.
I’d say wait another year before revisiting the issue.
cooldad
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
26 is young and 1 year is still pretty early in a relationship. Let it naturally play out
sarahprotzman
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]
I would be interested in a perspective on this from a person who has been married a while.
Rose
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
@sarahprotzman, I’ve been married 17 yrs, so I’ll chime in. My husband and I dated about a year and a half before we got married. We did not live together first. He was freshly divorced and I had just broken up with a serious bf when we met. I was 21 when we got married, he was 27. We have friends who got married after similarly short dating periods and have since split, others who are still together, like we are.
I don’t regret what we did for a moment, but I wouldn’t necessarily advise anyone to do the same, and the reason is, only you know when you’re ready. Only you know if he’s “the one”, and you figure it out exacly when you figure it out, no sooner. If you’re writing to an advice giver, you’re obviously not sure of yourself. The last thing anyone should do is pressure someone to marry you, regardless of how long you’ve been together.
So, my opinion is, her age is not the point, the length of time they’ve been together is not the point. The uncertainty/pressure stuff is the point, and I’m with Wendy that they should give it more time.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 06:53 pm: [report]
Am I overreacting and being too impatient?
Answer: of course.
SouthOC
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
@cooldad: Right on the money bro… and great advice Wendy. It sounds like this girl has expectations of getting married by a certain age.
I’m a big believer in marriage, but to do it too soon, or with the wrong person usually ends in disaster!
Reading this girl’s letter reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw: “I’m not a brat… I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!
jambadreamer07
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 06:26 pm: [report]
1 year to get married is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. I’ve been with my current BF for more than twice that long, and both he and I agree that we do want be together forever, but we do not want to get married now, anytime soon, maybe not ever. I’ve just seen my mother go through two terrible divorces and I know that I NEVER want that for myself. One of them I feel she rushed into (10 months wtf? I thought adults were supposed to be responsible. I was 13 and knew that was dumb), but she had been with my father for 7 years before they married.
The lesson that I learned from her mistakes is that a marriage cannot be entered into based on a deadline, or an expiration date, or an ultimatum. It should be about the happiness that you share together, and being absolutlely ready is key. Maybe Confused and Hurt is ready, but she should not be ready to marry someone who is not ready to marry her. Marriage is scary sh*t.
skywalk
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
@jambadreamer07: you are 100% right
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
was on and off with my current gf for the first 1.5 years. have been together now for 3 years, living together for 1.5 of them. still not ready to get married. she thinks she is. we’re not. divorce rate is like 50%. im doing this one time, and really want to get it right. when im ready, im ready. until then, i truly hope to keep her happy, because i am. but if it ever became an ultimatum and i wasnt ready, i wouldnt be forced into it.
indigospice
wrote on November 13 2009 @ 01:47 am: [report]
I just got married last month to a guy I have been dating seriously and exclusively for over eight years. We are both 30 and have lived together for the last 5 years.
Whenever anyone asked about us getting married (which started around year 2) I always said:
I’ve never heard anyone say “I wish I had gotten married sooner.”
That tends to shut people up. I would have married him years ago, but what’s the difference, really? If he’s going to leave, he’s going to leave, and I’d rather we not be married if he’s leaving. But we were both clear to each other very early on that we were in it for the long haul and that’s what matters.
Besides, who wants to be in a relationship with someone (especially a marriage!) without being 100% sure that they really want (!) to be there?
I know a couple that has been “dating” for 40+ years. They prefer to think of it as a choice that they make each and every single day to be with each other, and I think its beautiful.