Dear Wendy: Defining A Relationship’s Status
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Wednesday September 30th 2009
I met Tim in February of this year when he was visiting friends in New York (he lives in Massachusetts) and we hit it off right away. Almost immediately after he headed back home, we started communicating every other day and soon began taking turns visiting each other. We have lots of mutual friends, so it was very easy for us in the beginning. The kicker was he was just getting out of a 4 year live-in relationship (she ended things with him 2 months prior to our meeting), but since I really liked him, I thought “the worst thing that could happen is that I end up with a friend.” Fast forward 8 months: Things are all good — our families each know about us, I’ve met his sister, we’ve both met lots of each other’s friends.
Sounds great right? Wrong. My problem is that we still haven’t had a talk about our status… not that it REALLY matters because we both know that we aren’t seeing anyone else and I think it’s basically assumed that we are in a relationship. But, part of me is almost afraid to bring it up because I fear that part of him is still pretty hurt by his past relationship… and I can’t help but wonder if he moved on to me too quickly and if having this talk will scare him. Maybe he likes the distance because it’s allowing him time to do his own thing and move on, but still have someone? So… I’m confused. I don’t want to mess this up, but at the same time - I want to know! I’m not even sure how to bring up the talk with him. Every time I’ve tried to, I chicken out because I think about having to drive all the way back home with potentially bad news. What do I do? — Status Quo
You may think you’re afraid “the talk” will scare him off, but it sounds to me you’re a little afraid the talk might scare you. After all, you may discover your fears about Tim are founded. Maybe he really is dating you because the distance allows him some space to “do his own thing and move on” from his previous relationship. Maybe he got so used to being part of a couple that he’s afraid to be alone and being with you means he doesn’t have to be. But maybe he actually really likes you for you and hasn’t given his previous relationship much thought since things started getting more serious with you. Maybe he hasn’t brought up “the talk” because in his mind there’s no need to — you communicate every day, see each other regularly, and neither one of you dates anyone else. If it sounds like a relationship, it must be a relationship, right?
But if it’s a relationship, you certainly deserve to feel secure in it with the knowledge that you’re both on the same page, and the only way to do that is by having a frank discussion with Tim. It’s time to ask not only where things stand with you, but whether he has any unresolved feelings/issues with his ex-girlfriend. Before he can truly commit to you, his heart needs to be free of the clutter from his previous relationship. Once you feel secure about your role in Tim’s life — and that may not happen overnight, as he may still need time to process his breakup — you need to have a discussion about the future of your relationship. LDRs can be successful, but not without an end date on the horizon. How long will you continue living in separate cities? Is one of you willing to move to be with the other? If these questions seem too intense or “scary” for someone who was living with someone else less than a year ago, you need to ask yourself how long you’re willing to wait until he’s ready to discuss them. Everyone deserves a partner who is equally invested in the relationship — the sooner you learn whether Tim’s as invested as you, the sooner you can move on with the rest of your life (whether that includes him or not). And if you’re afraid of driving back home with potentially bad news, have the talk one weekend when he’s visiting you, problem solved!
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
eggsandbacon
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
I’d say it hangs on how he introduces you. When you meet his friends and family what are you, ‘my friend’ ‘your first name’, or ‘my girlfriend’?
If he introduces you as his girlfriend, then that is what you are and there really isn’t much need to have a big ol’ conversation about it. Obvi, you’ve still got stuff to talk about but you can come from the starting point of knowing you’re in a relationship.
SouthOC
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
In my opinion, distance relationships are mostly fantasy because you never really see the person for who they really are, just what they want you to see.
If they’re going to build something that will last, somebody is going to have to move to the other person’s town.
Have the talk. Talking is good. Things might not work out the way you hope they will, but if they don’t you won’t waste any more time.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
Putting labels on anything isn’t all that great a practice.
spatula
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
Great answer, Wendy.
majicksand
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
These types of issues keep popping up. Am I the only person here who believes that two people who spend time together regularly, sleep together regularly, and introduce each other to family are in a relationship unless the arrangement has been stated otherwise?
One night stands are obviously not relationships. Friends with benefits is a relationship with specific parameters that are generally discussed ahead of time.
In my world, if I’m sleeping with you, I’m not sleeping with anyone else—and neither are you. I establish that from the beginning. Whether it lasts two weeks or two years, we’re in a relationship.
Am I crazy? For me, the realtionship part is established once we’re sleeping together regularly unless otherwise stated. Not the other way around.
workerbee
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
I may be in the minority, but unless we have that talk, then it should be assumed that I’m dating other people, and quite possibly sleeping with them too. I give the same respect to whomever I’m dating. Unless you have me on lockdown, I’m a free agent.
theattack
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 05:40 pm: [report]
The problem with just noticing how he introduces you is that gives him all the power to decide your relationship status. If I’m not sure what the relationship status is exactly, I’ll introduce a date by their name until we can decide that together. I would be a little freaked out if a man introduced me as his girlfriend without talking about it at least a tiny little bit first. I don’t think it has to be a formal proposal for a relationship (ie: cheesy “Will you be my (girl/boy)friend?”). But the conversation is necessary.
develange
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]
never assume that you’re “offocially” together, committed, monogamous, etc. Have the f’ing talk, even if you need to use alcohol first. But sober is ideal.
Just because he isn’t seeing other women doesn’t mean he’s ready for a committed bf/gf relationship.
Maybe he is wondering, too. But it’s annoying when one party is worrying about something and the other seems totally oblivious. ASK HIMMM
Jenn27549
wrote on September 30 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
I’m with workerbee. It may not be that you or the other person is seeing other people, but without a clear-cut talk and agreement, then its not an exclusive relationship. People can see each other “casually” for quite a long time and not see anyone else but not be exclusive. If someone else popped up then they would be free to pursue that, without ending the current dating arrangement either. Since everyone has different definitions its best to just be open and clear about it all.
In the same regard girls have to learn to take what is said at face value and not extrapolate anything from anywhere else. I have had several friends who are dating guys that clearly state “you are not my girlfriend” or “we are not in a relationship” even though all of their actions would speak otherwise. Then act hurt, angry and surprised when they find out they were not the only one. You can hang on hoping you will become the only one, but to think that because you believe it in your mind it is true never works out.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 10:42 pm: [report]
Have the talk. Put all your cards on the table and ask to see his. If you both decide that you are in this relationship and want to stay in this relationship—great. If not, it’s better to know sooner than later so you can move on with your life. Maybe you don’t want to ruin a good thing, but if it’s making you crazy, is it worth it? If having a frank discussion about such an important topic ruins this good thing, maybe it wasn’t really as good as you thought it was, and it would be better to find that out sooner than later. Fantasies are great, but there’s more to life than fantasies. Have the talk. Talk is better than uncertainty.
geekmother
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 06:30 am: [report]
This sounds like an FWB thing. Well, maybe you “like” each other, but it doesn’t sound like love, and it definitely ain’t serious. Has he even said “I love you?” Men don’t fool around when they’re in love. They can get almost creepily obsessed. Just because his parents have heard of you, and you’ve met a sister, it doesn’t mean too much. You’re higher in status than a one-night stand or a f*ck-buddy, but that’s about it. Your “relationship” is convenient and easy for him, and he will keep doing it till you get tired of it, or he meets someone else. So I say, either keep him as an FWB if you choose, or cut him loose so you can find love instead of wasting your time on a dead-end thing. If you’re having to ask yourself these kinds of questions, then the relationship really isn’t the way you want it. If you were his girlfriend, you would know it. You would feel it in your bones, and he would be trying to get you to move closer to him or to find a way to move closer to you.
Don’t waste your time.
Beans
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 09:37 pm: [report]
Been here done that. In an LDR for 9 months before having the “relationship status talk.” Once we did, it wasn’t good news. I think this guy like you, but not to the extent where he sees you as part of his future. Right now he gets to have his cake and eat it to. The result of your talk may not be pleasant, but it allows you to not have to constantly be in a state of confusion…and eventually you can move on.
Iammina
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 05:36 pm: [report]
It sounds to me as if he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship just in case his old girlfriend wants to come back, he is leaving is backdoor open just a crack.
I have had my share of intense relationships and the guy has always made his intentions very clear after just a few months. Usually, they want you to date them exclusively and they want to see you, or call you, everyday. Then it is up to the woman to either encourage or discourage this behavior. After eight months most serious relationships are pretty intense or should be if they are going anywhere. If the chemistry isn’t there by then I think its time to move on because he just isn’t that into you.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:12 pm: [report]
@ladydoc Some of us guys are able (even willing) to have a frank discussion about “just what is it we’re doing here and where is this thing going” without calling it
“nagging.” Please give us more credit than that.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 09:27 pm: [report]
Dear Everyone,
There was a very angry and mean post directed at me earlier today regarding this topic. I don’t see it here, so I guess someone reported it and it was removed. I got the email containing the comments while I was at work, but I didn’t want to post to the site from work. If someone reported it, I thank you. If it was an administrator who saw it and removed it, I thank you.
I know we all want a friendly site where everyone feels safe, but as far as my feelings (if I may be so emotionally secure as to use such a word) are concerned, it wasn’t necessary. Yes, both my manhood (whatever than means) and my heterosexuality were questioned by whoever it was who posted those comments, but they actually brought a smile to my face. I guess the writer was hoping to offend me, to hurt my feelings (there’s that word again!), to shame and humiliate me into responding with assertions about how much I “score with women” (which in my case would be a lie, because let’s face it—it’s been a while), but I just had to laugh. My first thought was that if I can get that kind of mean attack—just for being myself—from the type of person who would say those kinds of things, then I must be doing something right! I really just wanted to thank you (the writer) for letting me know I’m on the right path, even though you intended the opposite.
I know if the writer is reading this, he (or she?) will think this is just some mind game I’m playing (sticks and stones…; I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you, ...), but I really am sincere when I say this: Thank you for reinforcing my beliefs. Sometimes I really need to have someone tell me I’m doing the right thing. Take care.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
Of course, considering that his (or her?) language would likely be considered offensive and hateful to everyone on the site, it’s a good thing that the post was removed so quickly. I didn’t mean to make light of the anger and hate in the comments, just of the effect they had on me.
Iammina
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 07:31 pm: [report]
@The UnusualSuspect; I think that most of us here were attacked by that same poster. Hopefully, that bilergent person is gone forever. The Frisky is a frendly place where mature adults can have intelligent discussions about a variety of topics so don’t be discouraged.
I have been posting here for about a year and someone like that poster is very rare.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:10 am: [report]
@Iammina Thank you for the encouragement and reassurance. It is very much appreciated. I am very new to The Frisky and have found it to be a fun and informative place.
elansdale
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 04:34 pm: [report]
I think this forum is the perfect example of why you do need to have the talk. Because lots of people assume that a relationship is monagomous if sex is involved and you are spending lots of time together. For other people its the mutually agreed upon talk and labeling that makes it official. This is why communication is SO important. I don’t blame the girl though. I certainly would not want to be rejected and then have to spend a long drive home crying about it either.
Good answer BTW