Dear Wendy: A Coke-Dealing Boyfriend & A Serial Monogamist
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
2:30PM, Friday August 28th 2009
“I met my current boyfriend about six months ago and there was an INSTANT attraction. At first he was perfect: he would make time for me, we would go out and do things together. He wasn’t like any other guy I’ve ever dated — he was polite, open-minded, caring, funny, and RESPECTFUL. I was the one to kiss him first…he even waited longer than I wanted to have sex with me. Here’s the thing though: he’s a coke dealer. As the relationship has progressed, we’ve broken up and gotten back together numerous times and though we’re together now, and I can honestly say that I’m in love with this man, I hate what he does. We don’t hang out much and he blames it on his “work.” I see him MAYBE once a week… is that normal for people who have been dating for eight months? He tells me he’s going to quit his job one day, but I’m not sure, and I can’t push him to quit because, to him, it’s a nice way of making money. I know he sounds like a loser, but I’ve never been with anyone like him before and I can’t stay away from him. Should I just leave a person who I love and care about because of what he does, and try to find someone with a respectful job?”
Yes, you should leave the man you love and care about, not only because what he does is illegal and could get you in trouble with the law, but also because his “job” dramatically interferes with creating a stable, committed relationship. Let’s forget for a second that your boyfriend’s a coke dealer, and focus in on your relationship with a discerning eye. You’ve been together for all of eight months but have already broken up and gotten back together several times, you see each other at most once a week, and he constantly uses work as an excuse not to spend more time with you (Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got other girlfriends on the side keeping him busy. He already knows you don’t approve of his lifestyle — what’s keeping him from engaging in other behavior you wouldn’t approve of?). Even if your boyfriend were a busy doctor or high-powered investment banker, if what you really want is a committed relationship, I’d advise you to find someone who is more available to pursue one with. A relationship — a real relationship, not just an occasional hookup — takes an investment of time and emotion. It doesn’t seem like you’re getting either of those from him.
Now let’s put his coke-dealing career back into the equation. Do you really think a drug dealer is long-term boyfriend material? Husband material? Father material? What kind of future do you think you can have with someone who sells drugs for a living? And if you really believe he’s going to quit his job anytime soon, you’re fooling yourself. He’s already said he sees his job as a “nice” way to make money, so why would he give that up during a recession when well-paying jobs are so hard to come by? Does he talk about other career aspirations he has? Has he made any moves at all to obtain skills that may make him employable? If the answer is “no,” it’s clear he’s making empty promises to appease you.
Get out now before you invest any more of your time or energy. After eight months, the return on your investment is pitifully low — don’t take a chance of it falling any more. Go find someone else who’s “polite, open-minded, caring, funny,” and has a respectful job. You deserve better.
“I am currently “involved” with a man that I met through my ex-husband and have been friends with for over 14 years. We have very good chemistry as friends and we began feeling attracted to and spending more time with each other over four years ago, shortly after I split with my ex-husband. In that period, I’ve had one relationship that lasted seven months and prior to that, a 2.5 year relationship with the father of my son (no kids from the marriage). In case I’m not making it clear: I do not stay single or uninvolved for very long. The two more recent relationships moved very quickly and both ended badly. Now things are moving quickly with my friend (we’ve recently slept together) and I have been flip-flopping between stopping the situation and trying to have a relationship with this guy. He in return has given me very little emotional feedback. A part of me feels the need to stay single and uninvolved, but the other part tells me to run with it and see if something meaningful develops. I know I need to be fair to everyone involved including myself. Does time focusing on myself mean I have to cut this situation short?”
Color me confused, but if your friend has given “very little emotional feedback” about pursuing a relationship, what exactly is there to “run with”? I would imagine a man who’s known you for 14 years, is friends with your ex-husband, and has watched you speed through at least two relationships since your divorce — one that resulted in a son — might have some feelings about the possibility of getting serious with you. The fact that he hasn’t shared those feelings makes me suspect he knows they aren’t ones you’d want to hear. So if he doesn’t want a relationship, why doesn’t he just come out and say so? Well, because what red-blooded man who has a friend of the opposite sex he’s attracted to and gets regular sex from is going to rock the boat? He’s gonna ride that ship as long as it’s sailing.
Stop sleeping with him — go back to being just friends for the time-being. Focus on yourself and being a mom to your little boy. This man has been in your life for 14 years already – he’s not going anywhere. If things are meant to be between the two of you, it’ll happen eventually, but in the meantime, take a breather from the dating scene and cleanse your relationship palette so you can fully appreciate the next dish when you’re good and hungry.
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CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I’m amazed by what people call questions. Aren’t these simple to solve themselves?
ootie
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
I my opinion, if you don’t want to end up with a coke dealer, don’t date a coke dealer. If he’s going to quit doing it, then you can tell him to contact you when he does. Its never a good idea to be with someone because you think they might change into who you want them to be.
xifeng882
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
@cheese: unfortunately the problem is that people get so blinded by their emotions that they can’t see what is best for them, which is why they need outside help.
lostrun
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse..you’re a man, so it’s obvious to you, but for some reason, women convince themselves that those warning signs aren’t warning signs. We don’t like to see it for what it is which is why we always have relationship questions.
joyy
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:12 pm: [report]
@ootie - spot on. I have actually known people who sold drugs (not coke, though) and quit, then supported themselves with legitimate, legal jobs. So it could happen, but she shouldn’t bother until it does.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:15 pm: [report]
@lostrun: Thank you for confirming my suspicions about my gender. I can understand what you’re talking about, but come on, he’s a coke dealer. I draw the line at pot dealers!
bogart4017
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
If you’re the type of person that doesnt like the thought of doing time or visiting someone doing time i suggest you put great distance between you and this man. All i see in your future is prison bars.
moonblossom
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
Another problem dating drug dealers is that ANY act in furtherance of a deal makes you part of the deal. That means if she were to take a phone message for him and that message was about a “business meeting” or purchasing some “goods” then she is now part of the deal. And that could mean a long time in jail for her.
majicksand
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:39 pm: [report]
Drug-dealers are not nice people. They may put on a charming facade when it suits them, but they will turn on you like rabid wolverines if you get in their way. Get out before it gets bad.
ootie
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Not all drug dealers are like the ones in movies. Some are just irresponsible and need some money. I know a few really decent guys that used to sell drugs. I’m not commending their choices, but they’re good people.
joyy
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]
@majiksand - yeah I’m with ootie here. I’m not defending the letter-writer’s bf or anything, but sweeping generalizations are hardly ever 100% accurate, and this is a shining example. I’ve had friends who sold soft stuff (weed, shrooms, pills) here and there, and most of them are just decent people who make a lifestyle choice a lot of people (and the law) disagree with and are *otherwise* hardworking, taxpaying, law-abiding citizens.
I mean there are totally terrible people out there who sell too - sweeping generalizations usually start from something that is true. But to say all people who have any one thing in common are this or that just makes it sound like you watch way too much tv.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 02:58 pm: [report]
@joyy: Did they pay taxes on their deals? You may have to drop the tax-paying bit.
delovely
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
Last semester of senior year of college, I started hooking up with my friend…who also happened to be one of the drug suppliers on campus. He was/is a great guy and surprisingly loved his “job.” As he explained it, he could make his own hours, it was profitable, etc. Of course, there was the one time he unbuttoned his shirt to reveal long, red cuts over his chest…
I would never have dated this guy, but he had this lovely air of mystery and danger. Maybe this girl is more attracted to that than she thinks, or else she wouldn’t have stuck around.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
@delovely: What were the red cuts for?
majicksand
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]
Wow, we’re defending drug-dealers now? I suppose there are sex-offenders who are really nice people too, so we shouldn’t make sweeping generalization there either?
I actually watch very little tv. I live in the real world. I used to be a bartender and saw what happens when “good people” get into drugs—dealing or doing. The short version? They become not-so-nice people, quickly. Even the “harmless” pot dealer with the ready smile will kill you for ripping him off. It may not get that dramatic for a small amount, but if it costs him, it WILL cost you. We’re not even talking about pot here though, we’re talking coke. That’s infinitely worse.
Yes, there are those who get out of that lifestyle before anything really bad happens, but let’s not sugar-coat it. The drug scene is NOT a nice place filled with good-natured philanthropists. I’m all for live and let live, but there’s got to be a line drawn somewhere.
GreenAura
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Not sure where you live, but most of the pot dealers I’ve met where just hippie-ish, not scary at all. The only ones that were scary were the ones that dealt other things on top of pot (like coke). I don’t think anyone is defending drug dealers, I just think there is a big difference between pot and coke.
And regarding your “sex offenders” comment: I know a guy (lets call him Fred) who was 11 when him and a friend decided to show each other what they were packing. Friend’s mom walked it, freaked out, pressured her son into telling cops that Fred made him do it. Charges were pressed against Fred. He is now a registered sex offender and will be for the rest of his life. Unfair much? So NO, we shouldn’t make sweeping generalizations there either.
BlueVibe
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
This chick needs a serious reality check. What part of this does she think is a good idea? “Guilty by association” may not be fair, but it’s a common reality when you’re involved with somebody like this (especially since it seems to be either his main or his only job, not just a sideline). She needs to get out while she can.
majicksand
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
“Fred” only qualifies as a sex-offender on paper, not in real life. Children playing “doctor” or something similar is obviously not what I meant.
lawyrgrl
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]
@moonblossom Exactly. And what if you move in together? What is to prevent him from keeping some of his “work” at the house - even if he “promises” not too? He gets caught, bye-bye house!!!! And she’ll have to work really hard to stay out of jail herself at that point. If he had no visable means of support it will be pretty tough to convince a jury that she had no idea where all the money was coming from.
Bad enough that people get stuck in situations like that after a relationship develops but it sounds like she is working really hard to put herself in a terrible situation!
joyy
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
@cheese - taxpaying referred to their legit jobs, obviously
@majiksand - Don’t be so dramatic. I was making a simple point that you can never paint all people who have one thing in common as all bad on the basis of one common denominator.
I’ve definitely seen people who will f*ck you up over nothing, but really, there is no such thing as a homogenous “drug scene.” Drug use (and sale) is extremely varied based on the substance, the culture, and the people involved. Some of it is horrendous. Some of it isn’t. And yes, sometimes nice people doing stupid things like streaking and end up on the sex offender list.
We’ve got at least one sex worker on the Frisky - are you going to tell her that all sex workers and the people in their lives are on a fast track to nowhere just because it’s genuinely good advice overall to not get involved with stuff like that?
joyy
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:43 pm: [report]
And I still think the chick needs to ditch that guy, regardless though. He’s never around and he seems to be stringing her along with promises he shows no sign of keeping.
joyy
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
Oh, and I am completely agreeing with pot=\=coke. I have a profound hatred for coke (seen it destroy too many good people). I just hate sweeping generalizations.
wonderfultonight
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
Let’s not forget that some of these “nice guys” are selling drugs to kids. Why would you want to be with anyone who does that? What if those kids were yours - or the kids of someone you know? Would you still think he was so wonderful when he is making money from getting kids hooked on drugs?
Sooner or later, he’ll end up in jail. And where will YOU be then?
majicksand
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]
@joyy: Drug abuse has ruined friendships and a sex offender ruined my childhood. I have no use for either. If it’s too dramatic to take a stand on those things, then so be it. I can’t be ok with it, and I make no excuses.
That said, I’m not super hard-core about pot, but the article was about coke. I simply won’t have that crap or anyone involved with it in my life—ever.
majicksand
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:52 pm: [report]
Oh yeah, I also have a 16 yo son who is at the age where he’s deciding who to be. I can’t afford any latitude in my opinions right now.
joyy
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
@majicksand - I recently mourned the anniversary of a friend’s death that was directly related to coke, so you’re preaching to the choir on that one. I’m not here to sell drug abuse (or sexual abuse of any kind) as harmless or something that we should all welcome into our lives. Everything I’ve posted was in direct reply to a hyperbolic statement you made that belittled what valid point you did have (that the girl needs to GTFO), nothing more.
kmatter
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 09:44 pm: [report]
my current bf (of 2.5 years lol) was dealing pot for a little while in there… maybe like 3 months? it made me soooooo mad. so when i couldn’t take it anymore, i just said *stop it or i’m walking* i’m glad he stopped
cuz i loves him muchly 
but i don’t need that kinda crap.
gotta_love_it
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 10:39 pm: [report]
All I have to say to the one in love with the coke dealer…. Your not gng to love him as much the day your house gets raided and they find drugs. Think smart. Obviously he could care less if either of u end up in jail
ootie
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Eh, I still think you’re painting a group with far too broad of a brush. I don’t doubt that there are drug dealers will turn on you or sell drugs to children. But that is definitely not every drug dealer, and certainly not the guys I was talking about. Two guys I know that used to sell drugs got a ton of weed stolen from their house once. All that happened was that the group of people suspected weren’t allowed in their house anymore—they didn’t even think about going after anyone. What would they have even used to intimidate, their pellet gun? And there’s absolutely no way that they ever would have sold anything to a kid.
I don’t think she should be with the guy mentioned, because she doesn’t like what he does and it interferes with their relationship. However, I don’t think anything in the article suggested that he is a bloodthirsty, heartless charmer who might turn on her at any second. He could be, but I don’t think you can automatically assume that when the only thing you know about him is that he sells coke.
majicksand
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
@ootie: I’ve known a few potheads/dealers who were cool people too. Admittedly, as a whole, potheads are relatively mellow, but the article was about coke. You really can’t compare the two. I’ve met a few coke dealers. No matter how charming they seem there is always that underlying threat about them.
My huband’s niece recently lost her boyfriend. He was a dealer and got gunned down in a deal gone bad. The other guy took the drugs and the money and walked away without a thought while the young man he shot bled to death in his girlfriend’s arms. There had been no argument, no dispute of any kind. One guy took what he wanted with no regard to life or law. He was so complacent that the whole affair took place on a public street with witnesses.
My husband’s niece is a beautiful, intelligent girl (her choice in men not withstanding). She will tell you to this day what a great guy her boyfriend was and how much he loved her regardless of the fact that he was willing to take her with him into that situaton. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not off the hook in my book either. She should have known better than to get involved in the first place. She’s lucky to be alive, and the “great guy” is sporting a toe tag.
Coke dealers are NOT nice people. There is no argument that will sway my view on this point.
Gingee
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 04:36 pm: [report]
Oh my gosh. The gal who is “dating” the coke dealer: Come back to earth. You are in physical danger. This could be the nicest guy in town: But his customers are NOT good people.
It is almost a certainty that he has other female companions.
He has made his choice and it is not you. He is going to keep on with his illegal actions.
No guy is worth the jail time you are facing, in my opinion.
draymond
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 05:32 pm: [report]
I don’t care how nice a guy he is. Unless you can prove that you had absolutely no idea what he is doing the chances of being arrested and tried as an accomplice are extremely high. Even if you escape being tried as an accomplice you may well be called to testify at his trial. There is no spousal exception for girlfriends.
And even the nicest, sweetest, most gentlemanly coke dealers almost certainly are associated with people who are not.
Shasta
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 06:54 pm: [report]
@Wendy -
I like the idea of an answerlady, but these questions are insulting to we Frisky Readers.
How ‘bout ones that fall into the gray areas that we all deal with. Dating a coke dealer?
If you’re dating a coke dealer the best you can hope for is an appearance on “Intervention”.
retro chic
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 08:29 pm: [report]
Chiming in from the cynical side… these *nice* coke dealers can be gifted con artists of a lower order. His lifestyle and work choices are based on deception. And, sometimes people *are* what they *do.* We’ve been raised to believe otherwise in most situations, ie, you are not your behavior, good people can do bad things, etc, but I don’t think that applies here. He is an adult making conscious choices that involve and affect others. He’s not a child, or someone in a panic situation with temporary loss of judgment. Also, imo, she is also confusing a phantom one-sided “relationship” with love, with or without the drug issue. I hope she focuses on her own will and identity.
I agree with @Gingee and others re some very real life and death consequences.
@Shasta – I was trying to put my finger on it too (but I don’t feel insulted)... questions and topics in the gray, more complex, areas where most of us live would be great… ones that don’t immediately scream “duh, leave him.”
Gingee
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 08:41 pm: [report]
GINGEE stepping back in:
I met a fella at my doc’s office, thought that he was all right, if a bit down on his luck, and he needed a job. We hired him on an hourly basis.
We knew that he was a lush. What we did not know is that the guy is a dealer. He came by, wanting an advance on his wages, and said that he was in a jam, because his connection had taken his money and not given him his Cocaine and he had customers waiting.
His former Polite Self vanished when he was told that we would not bail him out of his so-called troubles, no to the advance on his salary, and we will no longer be needing his services.
These people are, in my view, a waste of skin. Do NOT let them take you down with them.