Dear Wendy: Can Couples Get Past Infidelity?

konstantine
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 08:10 am: [report]

Its almost as though she is trying to validate the cheating by saying, “yeah he cheated, but he’s going through a really hard time.” I agree with Wendy- life is full of hard times, and if you can’t maintain fidelity just because things got rocky then you have no business being in a relationship. Better to go down alone than bring down your loved one with you when you lose control.

Life’s tough, get a helmet! (not another woman!)

skywalk
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 08:26 am: [report]

I agree get out it’s only been a two year relationship with no strings and you may never get the original relationship back anyways so why waste your time trying to rebuild a relationship that may never be as good, when you could spend time working on a new relationship or at least meeting new people until you found someone you wanted to spend time on a relationship.

@konstantine:  Life is hard, I have done the same thing and not proud of it.  When I feel stressed, trapped or overwhelmed I have made terrible mistakes in my relationships.  I may need than just a helmet, therapy maybe.

SEMI-girl
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 08:40 am: [report]

I understand Wendy’s advice but don’t really agree with it.  Objectively, the obvious answer is to dump him, and this woman knows that.  But she’s not asking if she should dump him, she’s asking if it’s possible to get through this and stay together.  I say, you won’t know until you try.  There’s no way to know in advance if it’s possible for a) her to forgive him enough to see him as the man she fell in love with two years ago, and b) for him to truly fix his life, both his finances and whatever was going on in his head to cause the infidelity.  The only thing she can do is stick around and see if either of those things happen.  It might continue to go downhill until she leaves him.  He might cheat again before she’s had enough.  And she might wind up leaving him when he’s truly at the lowest point in his life and most in need of help.  But you know what?  He’ll have made his bed with the original infidelity, and she can rest easy knowing that she truly tried.

bjoontheupside
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]

I’m in total agreement with Wendy too.

I’m actually in a similar situation, (while he hasn’t fessed up to cheating yet even after I’ve asked him about it. And I’ve even found e-mail addresses and phone numbers) I can just feel that something isn’t exactly right between us anymore. I don’t know what to believe with him because he’s lied in the past before and I have right out confessed to him that I don’t trust him, yet here we are still together. Unfortunately, he and I do live together. (It’s technically my apartment-his name isn’t on the lease.) I guess for some odd reason I’m just having a hard time breaking it off with him. It’s like I start worrying about him and how or what he’ll do. He’s currently not employed (but looking, and does pay his half in rent). He’s also a bit emotionally suffocating to me. We’ve had many conversations about this, but it’s like things will get better for a few days then go back to the old ways. It’s so weird to me how I can’t exactly pull the plug on this relationship when I know deep down that we’re not right for each other.

catscratchfever
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]

@SEMI-girl - Good point.  Her question is “Can you ever get over being cheated on?”  I’d say that’s a pretty individual thing.  Getting over it, fuh real, means a few things, like not bringing it up during fights, not thinking about it randomly when you look at him across the dinner table and wanting to kick him in the balls, not checking his phone and email and pockets to see if he’s cheating, not getting revenge by cheating yourself.  Getting over it means forgiving and trusting again.  It’s hard, and it’s possible he doesn’t deserve it anyway, but maybe she can do it?  I don’t think I could.

Avah
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 09:37 am: [report]

Hear Hear Wendy!

CrimsonRose
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]

@ SEMI-girl/catscratchfever: I definitely agree with both of you. Actually, I was in a similar situation to the writer earlier this year. My boyfriend cheated on me, but we talked it out and have both moved on. He has earned my trust back, and we are quite happy together. If anything, the friction from the cheating caused us to talk about why he cheated and work through his issues together. So, is it possible to stay with him? Definitely. Just be prepared to take quite a risk and come with a large helping of forgiveness.

joyy
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

Wow, so she describes him as her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend?  It sounds like she ALREADY kicked him to the curb.  No one turns their #&@$% around that fast, so I’m with Wendy here.  If he truly does get his #&@$% together down the line, and they find that they still want to be together more than anything, AND she finds that with some time she had it in her heart to forgive him, maybe then they could get back together.

AlisonNoelle
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]

Ok. I am in a similar sitch right now. Been married for 7 years, hubby cheated on me for the first time after 2 years and then again about 3 years ago (turned out to be a 2 month affair) both times with the same hooker. Only the last time he got her pregnant. Ack. We have 2 kids together and we are working on working it out. The only thing is, the more time passes the more I wonder Why? Whats the point. I guess what I am saying is, if he is so self absorbed and if he is that stressed out,(hubbys excuse also. We had just moved to a small town and I hated it because I didn’t know anyone and was absolutely miserable) then what will happen in the future during another stressful time. It will happen again. So I agree with Wendy!

TOO_DOPE
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]

@AlisonNoelle- That totally sucks!! I’m sorry. So horrible!
@bjoontheupside- I’m with you. I don’t trust my boyfriend. I hate it because we’ve been together for 3 years and I know, like you said, that deep down- we’re not right for each other. :/

lawyrgrl
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]

@AlisonNoelle Wait - he got a sex worker pregnant???  That sounds really odd to me.  Sex workers 1) use birth control religiously and 2) if one DID become pregnant, how would they know which of their customers was the father?  Was there a paternity test?  (To be clear, I have no issue with paid sex work and understand the motivation on both sides of the transaction.  This just doesn’t add up to me.)

But back on topic, PLEASE take good care of yourself!  You have perfect grounds for a divorce.  If his actions are not acceptable to you then by all means kick him to the curb and nail him for all that he is worth in a court of law.

Queen Frostine
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]

My husband and I are a success story. College put a lot of pressures on us both and at one point we became emotionally disconnected, and he cheated. He wasn’t in love with another girl, just looking for the emotional connection we used to have. It was the roughest part of my life so far, and we took a month off.

After a month, we realized that we both loved one another and that BOTH of us had screwed up in the relationship, I was guilty too, of being wrapped up in my own life and refusing to support his. So we came back together and decided to make things a clean slate. We began all over again with dating, flirting, etc. It took months before we slept with one another again and a few years to regain the trust.

Today we are happily married and he is a faithful husband. We learned a lot about ourselves from the experience and we are now a better couple because of it. The saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is not true in every case.

My story is unique, there was a strong love between us and most important, a strong desire to make the relationship work. If you have those things, then yes, it’s possible to get past cheating. But it’s not easy. Forgiving is the hardest part. If he is willing to make it work, you have to be willing to put in just as much effort. If not, then go your separate ways. You have to ask yourself, is he worth it?

AlisonNoelle
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]

@lawrgrl….. No! I was just calling her a hooker! She isn’t really a sex worker. As far as I know at least.

lawyrgrl
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]

@ AlisonNoelle Gotcha - guess I was reading it a bit too literally!    Best of luck to you.  I really hope that you make the best decision for yourself and your kids.  Being an adult really blows sometimes, huh?

writergirl
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]

I don’t know.  I’m inclined to say kick him to the curb, but mostly for reasons that catscratchfever said in that I would wonder about it and would have a hard time regaining the trust.  Facing him over the cheerios would be difficult.

But if you can do that and get past it, more power to you. I think that’s great.

AlisonNoelle
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]

@lawrgrl…. It does suck sometimes but then its got its good moments too. Thanks!

ootie
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years.  When we had been together for about 9 months, he told me he had cheated on when we had been together for two weeks (we’d been ‘dating’ for months but had just become official).  We broke up for a while and some of my friends advised keeping it that way, but he tried as hard as he could to get me back and I gave him a second chance. Now we’re really happy together and I can’t see him ever being unfaithful. 
That said, our relationship went through a really rough patch as a result of the admission.  For months I was suspicious of him, held it over his head in arguments, and was a general bitch.  I felt justified at the time, but eventually I realized that even if he was being the picture of amazingness and trustworthiness, it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t make the effort to trust him again.  If you get back together with someone who hurt you, you BOTH will have to put in effort.  If you’re not ready to forgive and put a lot of work into moving forward, I would suggest postponing any reconciliation, if you decide you even want to at all.

bogart4017
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]

Generally i don’t like to look at things as black/white cause as you know there exceptions to all rules as well as underlying circumstance, two sides,etc. Here goes:
Speaking honestly as a man—the temptation is ALWAYS there to cheat. For every 2 women that won’t come near another womans man there are five that will as long as they don’t have to wash his clothes or cook his food. That said (and every guy knows its true) there is only one reason a man will cheat-because he wants to or he can (or both). Everybody struggles. So grow a pair of biceps. You scared? Go to church. How does cheating help you to handle stress. It sounds like the people that go out getting stinking drunk because they have the weight of the world on their forehead. Of course they wake up the next day sick with the same problems. If you are missing an intimacy in your relationship whats so wrong with sitting down and expressing that idea? Didn’t anyone tell you committed relationships are fulltime jobs?
Sorry to meander but i can’t take some of these lame excuses i hear for stepping out on a woman who has done you no wrong and if she did i wouldnt mind letting her know i’m two-stepping out the door. Then i can sleep with whomever i want with a clear conscience.

JennyPurr
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]

@ootie Exremely well put. 
You have to commit yourself to forgiveness.  And sometimes, you have to recommit yourself every day.

majicksand
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]

I’ve never had to deal with this kind of situation, but I honestly don’t think I could continue a relationship post infidelity.  I don’t have jealousy issues, and I refuse to deal with jealousy in a partner.  I practice absolute trust, so if that were broken, I’m not sure I could move forward.

Last weekend, my husband and I went out to a bar where we are regulars and ran into a friend who recently moved out of state but was in town clearing up loose ends.  I know her and like her well enough (through him), but she and my husband have been close friends for years.

They ended up disappearing for about an hour.  I joked with some other friends that I’d been abandoned and even speculated what they might be up to in the parking lot all that time.  I never once went out to check on them figuring they’d come back eventually.

When they did, my husband was full of apologies about getting lost in conversation and losing track of time.  I assured him I understood and wasn’t the least bit concerned.  As it turns out, they weren’t even alone.  Several other people had shown up and joined the conversation which is why they were gone so long in the first place.

That’s the level of trust I expect.  I just can’t see accepting anything less.  I’m pretty flexible about most things, but infidelity is not one of them.  I don’t believe I could ever return to that level of trust.  I would forever be wondering and watching for signs.  Feeling required to practice that level of awareness and vigilance in my marriage all the time would make me madder than the original “crime”.  I just couldn’t do it.

skywalk
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]

@majicksand: that is exactly the relationship my husband and I have.  Trust is absolute and we both have many female and male friends.  We actually own a bar so it would be impossible for us to be jealous have a happy marriage and run a business.

mrslimpy
wrote on August 25 2009 @ 08:00 pm: [report]

Dump the guy. once somebody cheats in the relationship, the trust is gone. you will spend the rest of the relationship second guessing where he/she is/was. the non cheating partner will have a hard time NOT holding over the cheating partner’s head. Likewise, the cheating partner will spend so much energy trying to convince the non cheating partner that they are trustworthy, and on an on.
most just don’t want to “break up” out of fear that there is noone else. There is.

My exwife cheated on me after 5 years of living together and 15 years of marriage. It took me all of 5 minutes to make the decision. I knew that after a few months of “penance”, she would have required that she had done enough, and I should get over it. It just was not worth the stress and anxiety of rebuilding, even with kids, and a mortgage and “history”. So two years is all you have into a relationship, and there was cheating involved? I don’t even know why this question needed to be asked….

Older But Wiser
wrote on August 25 2009 @ 11:40 pm: [report]

My ex-wife cheated on me once even before we were married, but I forgave her because she happened to be pregnant with our 1st child.  She managed to remain faithful for 11 years and the addition of a 2nd child to our family, and then all of a sudden, the military deploys me overseas for a year for Operation Iraqi Freedom.  I reluctantly forgave the 2nd indiscretion because my young children, without knowing the implications of what they said, unknowingly conveyed sufficient information when combined with other information proved beyond all doubt that their mother committed adultery while I was overseas.  I could not bear having my children blaminng themselves for the divorce, but at the same time, I could not forgive my wife unless she asked for it.  She chose instead to pretend it never happened and hoped that I would forgive without her having to apologize.  The end result is that the marriage limped along for another three years; during which the military sent me to Afghanistan for a year and I came home to a wife foolish enough to think she could juggle a marriage and an entiringly new boyfriend without me noticing.  $15,000.00+ in legal expenses alone and nearly 11 months later, I, my children, and my attorney are almost finished with what I so naively started back in 1993 when I proposed marriage.

I thank her for two wonderful children, but hope that they learn nothing from their mother about what it means to be an adult.  An inability to be honest, show a willingness to admit mistakes or learn from them; to support and care for our children rather than belittle them, and to never, never, never show by example, that it is ever okay to lie to avoid accepting responsibility for one’s actions. 

If I get custody of the children, it will be $15,000.00 well spent.  In short, Wendy is absolutely right.  Dump the fellow now.  He ain’t worth it.

prplmich
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 07:29 am: [report]

once a cheater, always a cheater

i have a lot of co workers that are men
and that’s all they talk about

and i’ve watched wives catch them,
take them back
and watch it happen again
they just don’t always catch them.

lostinthewild
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]

@prplmich

I agree.  About a year ago, I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me with her ex.  Sad thing was, she was 5.5 months pregnant.  About a month later, she left me for him, and for the remainder of the pregnancy, I wondered if the baby was actually mine.  Fortunately, we live in times where there are DNA testing available and the little girl was mine.  I will never trust her again but I do have to be kind for my daughter’s sake.  And unfortunately, the lack of trust has carried over and I can’t find myself able to trust another girl (maybe with time, but right now, it’s not happening).

Dump him and move on, even though it’s wicked hard.  And this is coming from a guy too…