Dear Wendy: Being Alone Is Better Than Being With A Loser
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Tuesday November 3rd 2009
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have lived together almost that long. The relationship moved fast, we have known each other since college and stayed in touch on and off. He was not boyfriend material back then because he was a bit of a player and could not be trusted, but now we’re both 28 and, finally, last year we decided to start a relationship. Things began over phone/text because we lived four hours apart. He was super sweet and said very romantic things which I completely fell for… At the time he had two jobs and seemed to be a hard-working guy with lots of friends. He did not have a great job, but at the time I was like who cares, everyone takes their own path to their goals in life. He entered the army last fall to help him finance finishing college and went to boot camp in GA. He lasted a month, decided it was not for him and moved in with me. This is when I feel like the truth came out ... he went from having two jobs and working hard to being unemployed for months, spending most of what money he had on movies, and buying drinks for friends when we went out. Eventually got a job and now he pays cable, electric bills. While we do get along and have stuff in common, I find myself questioning his basic character and ability to man up and face problems without running from them. If I were 24, I would probably have already broken up with him. At 28, I feel like I may end up alone if I do not find some kind of relationship ... Help! — Bummed in Boston
Why in the world would you want to be with some aimless loser of a guy who totally mooches off you and seems to have very little in the way of redeeming qualities? What could possibly have changed in the last four years that would make you think this is an acceptable choice in a partner for you? I don’t care if you were 58 and tired of being alone: a crappy relationship is no substitute for a good one, and it’s certainly no better than being single.
You don’t need me to tell you that being alone is better than being in a lonely relationship. Just look at your own experience for evidence of that. Can you honestly say that you’re happier with your dope of a boyfriend than you were when you were single and not supporting a grown man-child? When you think about your future, what seems like a better option: remaining single until the right guy comes along who treats you well and is an equal in your relationship, or staying with a guy whose biggest accomplishment is kicking in a few bucks every few months for cable? Do you really need an advice columnist to tell you which option only an idiot would choose?
And since when did 28 become the verge of Old Maid-hood? You’re young. You’re in Boston! Lots and lots of single 20- (and 30- and 40-) somethings live in Boston. I suspect you have poor self-esteem and that this isn’t so much about lack of viable options as it is about you thinking you don’t deserve a good man and a happy relationship. Well, you do. You deserve someone who not only says sweet and romantic things to you, but shows you love and respect through his actions, too. I want you to make a list of the characteristics that are most important for you to find in a man. When you’re done, take a good long look at the list. Circle anything you are not willing to compromise on. The person you spend the rest of your life with should possess every quality you’ve circled on your list — if he doesn’t, you’re just setting yourself up for a life of unhappiness. Committing to someone who falls short means giving up the chance of finding someone who doesn’t. Remember: you deserve to have what’s important to you.
*Do you have a relationship/dating question I can help with? Send me your letters at dearwendy@thefrisky.com.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
bluefeevah
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]
Great advice, Wendy. I would only add that the list of “must haves” shouldn’t fill a page. No need to swing the pendulum from no expectations to unreasonable ones.
On another note… Is no one sending you letters that actually take thought to answer, Wendy? Your advice has been spot on lately, but I’d like to see you tackle something with teeth. It’s hard to debate a topic that only has one answer.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
By all means, send me something we can debate.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
Personally, I find it somewhat humorous that this situation was labeled as him being a loser even though he did eventually get a job and he only seemed to have not had one and been a little out of sorts after returning from the army. I mean really, is there no slack cut for someone who made such a major life decision as joining the military and then after some soul searching got out and had a stumble to take some time to get on their feet a bit? I just personally feel there is a gender double standard being applied here by bummed in boston. So he isn’t man’ing up to the task when he takes a bit to find a job after getting out of the service but we dare not say anything when we find ourselves in a situation where possibly a female is fretting over something trivial or acting irrational?
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
@Wendy: What is the appropriate way to eat an oreo?
mokti
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
My only quibble is the use of the word “deserve” since there’s nothing in the letter that offers any clue as to Bummed in Boston’s contributions. Perhaps they’re both (wo)man-children… who’s to know?
Noone deserves anything without putting forth an equitable effort.
sarahprotzman
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
Sounds like she knew most of what there was to know about this guy right off the bat and chose to look the other way.
Kate Torgovnick
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
I agree with Wendy, but with one big, huge exception: if you think he is a smart, talented, capable human being and this is just a phase. Everyone goes through periods of feeling directionless and not knowing what they want to do with their life—it’s depressing and normal. But if you think this is just who he is, yeah, donezo. You can’t be with someone you don’t believe in.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
@Wendy: I wish I could, but I’d have to make something up. I’m nauseatingly, happily married.
BlueVibe
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
This is totally more about her than it is about him.
Repeat after me: So what? So what if you end up alone?
No, it’s not what everyone wants. It’s not what I want. But it’s miles and miles better than ending up yoked to somebody you don’t respect and can’t trust, just because you panicked and settled for a poor match.
I’m 32 and finally over being despondent over lack of prospects. As soon as I let that go, guess what happened? I met somebody with real potential. If I had met him when I was freaking out about being single forever, I would have ruined it.
lindseylee21
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
GREAT advice!!! I’d rather have a relationship with a vibrator and a box of Triscuits that a guy who doesn’t act right or take responsibility for himself. At least the Triscuits can’t talk back!!
AlphabetJ
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I think Mokti has a good point.
When we make a list of the “wants” we would like in a mate, I think it is important to look at that list and see how many we can check off as qualities/features/characteristics that we can say about ourselves.
draymond
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I see this as a matter of playing the odds. What are the chances of finding somebody better? It sounds like the chances are way better than average, particulary when ‘nobody’ is starting to sound like somebody better too.
And who knows, maybe saying goodbye is just the tough love he needs to go back to being the responsible version of himself.
SueSue
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
As usual, your advice was awesome and is kinda putting the fire up my butt to take a look at stuff to.
@ EastCoastMale - Everyone should be allowed the chance to go through a transition like that and figure stuff out in the end. I don’t know about everyone else, but to me, the fact that HE moved in with HER and is now only paying cable and electric (not contributing enough…which depends on what he makes), and isn’t responsible with money (buying drinks, movies), makes him a loser, or at least a man-child.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]
Agree to disagree in that case =)
retro chic
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
I question both of them. Well, first of all, I question anyone who has to write a letter asking for advice from a stranger in e-public, but I digress…
She thinks she’s stale-dated at 28? And that’s criteria for staying or going? Pitiful.
His track record from Day-One speaks for itself as nonrelationship material if that’s what she really wants.
Ultimately we marry character, not looks jobs or sex.
nadine.
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
This is what I tell my friends. And myself. EVERY SINGLE DAY. While I know all these things to be true, it is hard to swallow at times. BUT I know I would rather be alone and happy then settle for a warm body in fear that there won’t be another. Blah, who wants regrets on their deathbed???
luke15chick
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]
I don’t back up bummed in boston, but i do understand feeling your late 20s is getting old. I’m feeling it, but I’m also not settling for losers.
TangerineGrl13
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
Thank You commenters
I am indeed the one who wrote to Wendy for advice. Needed a completely objective opinion/perspective. You all have helped also, even those who disagree. I have a lot to think about and the letter did not obviously contain all the details. I will make the right decision. Thanks again, guys
revivedlady
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:53 pm: [report]
good luck with it. I was with someone who also only paid the utilities while I struggled to make the rest. Yes he could afford it. Go with your instincts. Lol being 28 and worried about finding somebody else? Be 50 and worry, I am. I have no doubts about another relationship and if you are already worried about that issue then you do indeed have doubts with this one.